Can N’s really love someone else?
I don’t think that an N is capable of recognizing somebody as an individual enough to experience love. Don’t they see people around them as accessories or possessions? I don’t believe my ex loved me because she was capable of seeing me as a person.
I think love requires compassion and empathy, which N’s seem to be lacking in. There was a period when my ex girlfriend absolutely idolized me, but it wasn’t love. She didn’t really care about anyone but herself… she didn’t see other people as important enough to matter.
My H claimed he did, maybe they think they do, if at all ,it is a very limited capacity to love, their actions speak louder than than their words.
I love the microwave for reheating coffee,food, steaming vegetables, if it no longer works, I get another one, I don't cry or feel sad when I put it to the curb for pick up. I think that is how most narcissists feel about us, kind of like an appliance that serves a purpose, we can be replaced when we are no longer useful to them.
Hugs mamolieAll the world is a stage, the n has the starring role, and we are just the characters. Many mean little or nothing, but if we play a strong supporting role, we will pay a heft price to break our contract.
Nothings good with NPD.
xx
I have lost most of my friends to a narc daughter. Feeling very lonely but glad I have discovered what was going on. For years i thought I was mad!!!
My N brother is actually an “actor”. Can you imagine how my life has gone? All the world is a stage…Real life? There is no difference!!! It is ALL AN ACT!!!
“love” is a concept that even “normal” people struggle with in the sense that there are different kinds of love… romantic, friendship, mature, immature, the love of parent for child, sexual love, we wonder why we fall in love with some folks and not others, etc. Human beings are hard wired to desire attachment and to love… “normal” people who have developed and matured ‘normally’ or ‘good enough’ (none of us are perfectly developed) establish the capcity to give and receive love in our attahment to others and can withstand the feelings of vulnerability that go with that. Someone seriously emotionally/developmentally arrested, which is what NPD is, may experience ‘love’ but it’s primitive in nature, it is not well developed or mature…they are caught in a primitive, childish state, their capacity to love has not grown or matured. Like Mamolie said about the microwave, a baby does not really differentiate between the bottle and the hand that holds it, it is all one in the same, and love or sustenances is needed for survival in a primitive way. Only later does the child realize the hand is attached to a person who has their own rights and needs and begins to respect and appreciate the ‘otherness’ of someone else. So if someone truly has NPD, they would probably ‘love’ but it’s not the way a developed human being would give and recieve love…and that is why their “way” of loving (infantile, really) can be so frustrating and hurtful to a grown, developed adult…because the npd person is attaching in a primitive, childish way, which is not what an adult EXPECTS from another grown adult. It’s the kind of love that if it were coming from a 2 year old you would be fine with it…but from another grown adult, it seems very bizzare, frustrating and hurtful. And the NPD adult has the intelligence and vocabulary of a grown adult and that gets them into big trouble too! The hope is that they can ‘learn’ and develop later in life so that they do not stay in that arrested developmental place, but they have to WANT to grow for that to happen, and they would require a very safe environment for any growth to occur, and they have to be willing to face a tremendous amount of fear and pain because mature love involves vulnerablility…most npd people learned in childhood it is not safe to be vulnerable, they learned that vulnerability equals DEATH. Tender feelings of vulnerability (love, empathy, compassion) are frightening, and are to be fought off and defended against at all costs,even if your instinct is to WANT those things from others. If they don’t WANT to grow, or are too frightened to grow, or their defenses (protection) are too overwhelming, nothing will change and they will stay where they are safe in their NPD, in a state of arrested development, because that is how they SURVIVE. Not to be evil, but to survive in the only way they know how.
nic, bup,
Every once in awhile I had a supporting role with some lines to speak but for the most part I felt more like I was the stage he walked on to give his award winning performances, the soap box he stood on telling everyone how good and nice he was, and the door matt he wiped his feet on.
Surely they give awards for being the best stage, the best soap box, and the best door matt a person could be and at my age it would be a life time achievemnt award. Hugs mamolie
You should have seen me at my brother’s wedding! Of course my children weren’t invited to, I wasn’t in, they forgot to send me an engagement invitation to, I wasn’t invited to be at the head table with the rest of my family and they announced their love for every single family member, but me!..I literally should have had taps on the bottom of my shoes…NEVER AGAIN!!! Shouldn’t have to tap dance for ANYONE!!!