My Dilemma

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Where do I start, at the beginning I suppose.

In June of 1999 my Ex-Fiance broke up with me. We bought a condo together we lived together and we were planning our wedding. He broke up with me 4 months before the wedding. The dress was ordered, the hall rented, I was interviewing florists and I had just booked the band. Needless to say I fell apart emotionally. My friends were worried about me I cried all the time. He made more money then I did and I couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage on our condo alone so I moved out. I had to get a new job and a new apartment and rebuild my life. It was scary as hell. I worked for a dot.com in 2000 and 5 months later I was laid off. Then I worked for Barnes & Noble corporate offices for 8 months and got laid off. When 9/11 rolled around I had taken the summer off from job hunting to regroup then the bottom fell out of the market. No jobs, no offers, NY dried up. I worked temp for 2 years before getting my current job which I’ve had for 3 years. What I’m saying is that life has been incredibly hard for the last 8 years. I was very depressed after the break-up with my ExF and I never had time to grieve it. I went into survival mode, fighting to keep a roof over my head and rebuild my life. When this crap started with my current ExN I went over the deep end. I cried and cried and completely fell apart. Under my therapist urging I decided to take antidepressents. I’ve been on Zoloft since August. At first I thought this antidepressent stuff was a crock of shit. But I gotta tell you I feel so much better!! Who knew!! I spent all this time pushing and fighting myself because I didn’t understand that I was depressed! Don’t get me wrong it’s not a happy pill, I still feel sad, I still feel pain and I cry when I’m upset. I just don’t feel like the bottom is going to drop out of my life. I have hope. Looking back I see all the ways in which my depression damaged my relationships. Overreacting, being dramatic, obsessing, etc. And I feel kinda foolish, like I could have been on antidepressents years ago! wow! And that brings us to the present…

My Ex has been contacting me, he says I sound like a new person. In some ways I am. I can see how my depression/behavior negatively impacted our relationship. I’ve also done alot of reading on Narcissim and I’m not about to take any shit from him either. Before I would have cried and pulled my hair out screaming WHY!!! Now I just say NO I’m not accepting that get lost. I do feel bad about the drama I inflicted, I do see CLEARLY the dysfunctional circle we have been stuck in reacting to each other’s issues. Getting to the point he wants to try again and I don’t know how I feel about that. I see that the failure of our relationship is definately 50/50 BUT regardless I dont’ think I want to go there. Apparently he’s been working on himself and making some changes too. I do see an improvement…however, I just don’t know. Yes I am different, I’m relaxed, I let things go, I don’t obsess, I handle life’s problems with a bit more grace. I’m also exploring my spirituality and becoming more peaceful. However, I’m not willing to be waitlisted while he tests the temperature of our relationship, I am NOT interested in that and I told him so. I understand that I’m no princess but he’s no prince!!

Any thoughts?

#2

Not until you are totally fixed, mentally and spiritually would be my
advice and I think you should tell
your Ex that…It will end in a disaster…If he broke
your heart once, he will break it again…Trust
me on this one…And I think he will respect you MORE if you
don’t go back to him…

On Sep 25, 2007, at 1:48 PM, DoubleDee wrote:

#3

You have come soooooo far!I’m so proud of you!It takes time to get back on your feet after being so shattered and to come through with a sound mind.You sound as though your’e better than youv’e ever been so why look back?If I were you I wouldn’t question the past and start looking in ways that maby you were at fault if only I didnt act this way or that.Even the strongest people get shattered when in a relationship with an N.I know this personally.Everything has fallen back in place for you and your’e doing well-you have come through this with a sound mind and now you are standing!Look at yourself you’re clear now why do you think that is?Keep moving forward,that relationship didn’t work because it wasn’t supposed to work and with an N it can’t ever work.Tell him that you’ve moved on and wish him well,plain and simple don’t contact me no more.Your destiny is in front of you not behind you,and it’s probably just around the corner,dont let him ruin your future you’ve come too far.

#4

DoubleDee,
My situation is different to yours but since I have become stronger my N, seems more intersted in me, I saw him today talked a little for the first time in 6 months, I feel better but not fixed. Your guy will truly respect you more if you wait untill you feel completly healed, (if there is such a thing). Take your time, I know mine would hurt me again in a flash he just can not control himself, my friends say Love youself first, it’s only now that I understand these words.

#5

Hi Doubledee,

I need a little clarification…the ex-fiance is not necessarily the ex narcissistic boyfreind you write about it your story???..are they different people or are they one and the same?

I got the impression that the ex-fiance from '99 ended the realtionhip badly but was not necessisarly narcissistic? It’s been a lot of years, you have gone through a lot of growth, and have even recongnized and addressd your own part in any difficulties in the realtionship inlcuding depression.

Keep an open mind. There is certainly no reason to JUMP into something with ANYONE right away. Instead of ‘trying again’ how about just going to dinner a couple of times? I would spend a lot of casual time w/ him, no strings attached, before I jumped into an venue of “trying again”. If you want to feel it out…make a contract with yourself to take it very very SLOW and have a list of the things you want/need in a relationship available for reference at all times and be very upfront about what those needs are.

You have really come a long way…and boy, life can be so tough! I divorced my husband about 12 years ago and have been on my own ever since and it is a hard life scrambling to make and keep a career, raise my daughter, and hope that someday I will have the time and ability to be in a healthy relationship. You have worked very hard and have come a long way. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, and only hang out with those who feel the same way. The ex finance may be water under the bridge anyway; just keep an open mind and keep your eye on the ball (YOU!).

#6

i am amazed at what you have endured… so why take yourself backwards? just remember the reasons why an N is attrated to someone. you have have something HE is lacking. you have strength and resolve… don’t let him strip you of that again.

#7

Well no one can tell you what to do and when you are ready for either decision, you will do the right thing for you at that moment. BUT, please stop and think to yourself… what are you getting out of this? If it is good… try…

Also, do you see real change or just words? Words are easy to say and behaviors take forever to break!

I don’t know…

I know how i would feel if I were you and I would want to believe… but I also know… some people don’t change…

Can you keep a very close watch on every little thing and over analyze how he treats you?

He is is acting like an N, are you going to have the stregth to run?

he is does not act like an N are you ever going to believe it?

Has he done or given you any concrete reasons to believe in him? Besides “i miss you and I love you”?

Guys especially N’s know that … that is what we want to hear.

I don’t know… it is hard…

just know yourself and do what you want and need in your life.

sometimes… there is not always a right or wrong answer.

#8

Thanks everyone! After reading all your replies I will try to address all of you.

Unfortunately the Ex-Fiance in 99 and the Ex-Boyfriend are two different people. Both are narcissists and the relationship in 99 ended badly.

I have been through alot, sometimes I think about it and I don’t know how I’m standing! Honestly, I’ve had a permanent job for 3 1/2 years. I went from broke to owning my own home in less then 3 years? I pushed myself to the breaking point. At the same time I was a sad, obsessive compulsive perfectionist. I didn’t want to play only work and more work. I know that I wasn’t easy to live with and I don’t make any apologies for it. It’s simply the way things were and there was nothing I could do about it. I had no idea how depressed I was. He was no picnic either he was mean critical controlling and unsupportive. Like I said he was no prince and I was no princess.

I have seen alot of changes in him. It’s like he’s becoming an adult and remarks that he’s experiencing growing pains. I’m shocked and pleased but at the same time I don’t put any stock in it.

I’m not interested in risking my emotional stability. Taking all of your opinions into account I’m not going to make any sudden moves. I will focus on myself and my own spiritual growth and healing. I’m not thrilled about starting a relationship with him. If I could describe the feeling all I can say is YUCKY ICKY EWW! I know it sounds childish but thats honestly how I feel. If that makes sense, lol. I’m not threatened by his phone calls anymore I’m indifferent. If it’s meant to be it will be and if he really wants me he can wait.

#9

I just rejoined this group a few minutes ago so I need to ease into making any bold comments. Having said that – under no circumstances should even consider another round with a narcissist. For you to give a second chance to a N is like checking the red hot stove to see if it will burn you the next time. Sad as it is it is a huge mistake to think of a N as a normal person acting badly. It’s not just destructive behavior it is a state of being, one in which there is a sereve lack of human consciousness. The inability to feel empathy defines their hatred of relationship. A N cannot love because to love another separate person is to experience the overwhelming feeling of envy. Narcissism serves as a defense against envy. Instead of loving someone good, they envy them and want to destroy what they envy. Someone said that a N can only have their cake IF they eat it too.
An N is an N is an N. They may look like a human, sound like a human but are Zombies who are out to devalue you in order to preserve their illusion of superiority.
Was that too bold? LOL
Jim

#10

I absolutely agree with everyone here - please don’t “try again”. YOU have changed, he has probably NOT - he is showing you whatever behavior he needs to in order to have you react the way he wants you to. Remember that you were stronger and more centered when you met him - that’s what attracted him to you. When he broke you down and you didn’t fulfill his needs anymore, he “discarded” you. Now, he is probably thinking that the cycle can repeat itself and he’s interested again. I may be way out of line and completely wrong, but, I doubt it. Try looking at it in the third person - what if one of us had written this story and not you? What would your objective advice be? Obviously, it’s your decision - I just believe that you deserve a relationship that doesn’t at least even have the POSSIBILITY (or probability) of ending badly.

#11

HUGS
No one can tell anyone else what to do, we have to make our own choices in life ultimately…at times itd be great if someone could tell us…do this or do that…but so often if its not what we want to hear we wont do it anyway. I speak from experience here almost everyone told me to ditch my friend but Im too arrogant to listen lol

Youre not asking us what to do tho…youre just wanting anyones thoughts and that can be so helpful in making us see more clearly I think or at least to question our own imediate response. As a person desperately trying to keep going with their N ( tho as I keep saying its a friendship which I talk about and that is a huge difference to a partner ) Id be a hypocrit to say leave him well alone.

What I will say is…take time…theres abs no rush or if there is then thats a bad sign. You say you see improvements in him…are they real tho or just the N turning on his nice side? Its difficult…

Youve done so well to work this far thro such difficulties, well done and you seem to be being very level headed about this developement. Keep ypur head…take your time and whatever happens were all right beside you.

The very best of luck.

#12

The Narcissist as VAMPIRE or MACHINE

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4944

----- Original Message -----
From: “nandsjim” npd-cpt6065@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Wednesday, September 26, 2007 7:14 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] My Dilemma

#13

Angie, really good point!!

Honestly I’m not that interested in trying again with him. I enjoy being at peace. I just needed to hear what others had to say and get my head on straight. It’s tempting when they do and say the right things. But I just don’t feel comfortable. And I’m not supposed to be. Regardless of his obvious improvements I wish he would take more responsibility for his actions and he’s not really doing that. Because I mentioned my depression he’s trying to heap everything on my shoulders. Why, because I admit weakness (in his mind)? I’m not falling for it. I don’t remember every slight and injustice he’s done to me. However, he reminds me about things I did 2-3 years ago. I find that really odd for a man to do. Women usually hold grudges and I know he’s doing that to control and have the upperhand in our relationship. I’m glad he’s working on himself but long term improvements are yet to be seen.

Jim, no worries, I’m not offended at all. I appreciate everyone’s input, it keeps me grounded in reality.