Hi everybody I am new here. I was wondering if anyone could help me. My husband whom I love so much is bipolar. He has tried so many meds, but his temper is out of control. Everyone kind of walks on eggshells. The problem is, he feels it’s all of our responsibility to keep him happy.We try so hard but nothing seems to work. Everyday he comes home and rages about something. Our six month old is scared of him. This is a second marriage for me. He didn’t tell me he was bipolar until our wedding night. I was wondering, is there something I can do to essentially turn off his anger while he’s in a rage? I’ve tried to prevent it from getting that far, but the slightest thing gets him going. I don’t want another divorce but I don’t know if me and my three children can keep going like this. Thankyou very much! Shawna
Hi Shawna, I am new here too. My boyfriend is bipolar and currently in a manic state. He has left me like he’s done countless times before but always comes back. Maybe we can help each other. Is your husband on his meds now? I know how frustrating it is. You never know who you are going to wake up to. The moods can be quite scary. Feel free to talk and vent. This helps me too.
Hi Shawna, I am new here too...I am a friend of "can we talk" and I was reading your convo. I know what you mean when you say that you are afraid that this is going to traumatize your children. When I was married to my ex husband, I had already had a child from a previous marriage and I didn't know that my ex was bipolar until we were together for almost 10yrs. I always new there was something wrong with him, but he was never diagnosed so I just dealt with the major mood swings and the "walking on eggshells" every day. then he started treating my daughter like a slave and punishing her every day for some unknown reason. She is 15 now and she hates him and has no relationship with him at all. but she has learned a little about the disorder because a girl she knows has it and had harrassed my daughter to no end but I think by giving her info about it has helped her to understand the disorder....well I just wanted to tell you that I understand and I give you credit, I wish you all the strength to deal with it and I hope your husband can get the right meds to help him. Take care.......
shauni, I read your convo, too and wanted to add my 2 cents for what it's worth. I am bipolar II and know where your guys are coming from. It's just as hard for the ill one as it is for the non-ill one in dealing with bipolar. It's a rollercoaster of a life, and I'm not even sure why my hubby tolerates my moods sometimes. He definitely loves me!
It wasn't until I was in one of my really, really low down times and lost my temper that he realized how sick I really am. For the first time in my life (I'm 47), I got so mad that I raked my arm across the entire glass top coffee table and pushed glasses, candles, and all --- all over the living room floor. There was flying glass and crap all over the room. I was beside myself with anger! When he raises his voice with me, it reminds me of my mom & stepfather's arguments when I was a child. That adds fire to the already existing flame of anger and sets me off. I went off like a rocket, and he was SHOCKED! He started picking up the glass right away and came to realize I wasn't kidding. Afterwards I stayed in a deeply depressed state of mind for about 2 weeks. I was ready to divorce him! (I've been known to do that a few times) When the going gets rough for me, I used to fly the coupe and move on. I became so depressed and guilty over that and everything else in my life .. I just wanted to be dead. I just couldn't do it because of my children & God. I told my hubby that I'd be better off dead because I was tired of the ups and downs. It's horrible. It was then that he became more understanding and calm with me. We get along a lot better, too!
Well, the ups and downs of bipolar disorder are horrible and uncontrollable without meds (for me)! When I first got re-married (4 years ago), hubby thought I didn't need to be taking meds .. so I quit .. cold turkey. Hmmm, he soon found out it is a necessary evil for me. My irritability factor is out of control without a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and anti-depressants (Wellbutrin XL and Prozac). I would recommend anyone with this disorder to stay on their meds. Call the doc if you have to!
As far as the kids are concerned, it's a hard road for them and will most likely suffer the most in the long run. I grew up in a fighting, screaming, uncontrollably angry temper-type of family. My mom and stepfather were into drugs and alcohol, which only fueled their fires of madness. I still have nightmares and terrible memories of it all. I would not recommend that to anyone!! From what I understand and believe, the children's most formative years are in the first 3-4 years of life. All the years are precious but when they're very young, it has a very lasting impression on them. A bad childhood cannot be overcome, and the children must be put first (in my eyes). Nothing feels better than to have my girls tell me what a wonderful childhood they had and how much they love me. Unfortunately, my mom has almost driven herself crazy with guilt and remorse from my childhood days.
Sorry to go on and on, but this is a particularly touchy subject with me. Counseling may help? Meds will definitely help.
Hi Fredhead, I really do appreciate your two cents worth. Thankyou for giving your perspective, after all, that is why I am here because I want to learn as much as I can. At the time I wrote that my hubby had secretly stopped taking his meds. He just finished a stay at the hospital and they put him on litthium which he hasn’t taken since his 20’s. He has also stopped “self medicating” with other drugs, which I was also completely unaware of. The transformation with him on meds has been wonderful, and the therapist that was set up with me when he was omitted into the hospital has been INCREDIBLE! I now understand sooo much. I also know what signs to look for when he has decided to stop taking meds, how to diffuse situations on a daily basis (he’s a rapid cycler) and how to support him. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is not to make him feel guilty for the past. I know that this isn’t a fairytale ending, but it’s a new beginning. You know I was reading about your childhood and he recently told me that his dad is also bipolar and that he (my hubby) went through similar things that you did. He often wonders if he ever had a fighting chance to not be bipolar. Fortunately you sound like you are wonderful to your children and I comend you. It’s hard raising children as it is, but you sound as though you have always put them first despite the challanges of bipolar. Again thankyou so much for your response…see I’m the one rambling on.Take care!
That's wonderful news! Excellent. I'm happy for the both of you -- and the children.
How long was he in the hospital? Do you mind sharing the events that occurred to get him there and what it was like for him?
Hi Fredhead, Thanks for the response. Actually he self admitted himself to the hospital after a series of violent episodes. I actually wrote in the forum, it’s the “can someone please help?” but basically, after a particularily bad night he found me curled up on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. I’m usually a very happy go lucky person so seeing me like that hit him hard. Fortunately he does love me and it dawned on him that I was hurting and he didn’t want to do that anymore. I wrote a few online journal entries in this group about some things that happened at the hospital.At times it was a rollercoaster ride.At one point he was overmedicated and very very sick. It was very very hard for him. He had hit an all time low and was wracked with guilt. At times he pushed me away in anger because he no longer felt worthy of being part of our lives.At times he begged me not to leave. The group therapy was particularily difficult for him because when he heard other people with bipolar describe things that had happened he found himself relating which really scared him. He would sit there and listen and think " That’s horrible, that guy should never treat a woman and child like that." And then suddenly he would realize that in his own way he had. The therapist also made him face “demons from his past” which made him incredibly sad and angry. His family had coped by hiding and ignoring his dad’s bipolar issues. Pretending that everything was fine.The children were blamed for his dad’s rages.His Dad took priority and the children were secondary.Now that he is at home on sick leave, he seeks constant validation. He keeps asking "I’m like the man you love again aren’t I ? The meds are working right?"Now that the meds have kicked in, he remembers everything. And it hurts. I can’t begin to imagine that type of hurt. The children are just happy to have his bear hugs, to hear him laugh, to joke around with him. The baby hasn’t quite bonded with him yet, which is hard for him, but to his credit he hasn’t given up. At one point in time he honestly would have believd that she was trying to turn me against him. And yes it hasn’t been perfect. Last night for example his mom called. His dad was in a manic mode and she wanted my hubby to come over and “fix” it. (the sick helping the sick, does that make sence?) After he calmly explained that he was not able to take that on at the moment, she laid a huge guilt trip on him which sent him into a tailspin. He started taking it out on me and the kids in a huge way, but then managed to calm himself using breathing techniiques. I ended up going over to support his mom for a bit, and he called his therapist. I’m sorry I’m rambling…maybe I should write a book!!! Anyway now that you have heard my monolouge, I hope that you are doing well, and know that if you ever need to vent that you are more than welome to messsage me anytime. Please take care of yourself.
I hope all goes well for you and your family.
I am waiting on a disgnosis at the moment,but can relate to so many things you said,my husband has been my rock,however if i got really sick i would do as your husband did and admit myself,that in itself takes a lot of courage.
Good luck to both of you.
Fionax
Finn, I really do hope you get the answers that you are looking for soon. I really admire you for being in this forum and getting as much info as you can. That in itself takes a lot of courage. So many people kind of stick their head in the sand and try to igore things hoping that it will go away and that they won’t have to face it. I wish you and your family the best of luck.