My mother the alcoholic

Alcoholism
#1

I myself do not have a drinking problem infact I very rarely drink but my mother is an alcoholic and has been since I was young she is sick she has hepC as time has gone on her liver has stopped functiong properly and then for a while she did the things she was supposed to and things started to look better. She has never stopped drinking she has been to AA and several other support groups my father and my brother and I went to a support group for family members of alcoholics for a long time. Her drinking is causing issues in my life now eventhough I do not live at home and have not in years, she can not seem to understand why I will not let her have overnight stays with my children and why I stay at her house when I bring them to see her. She gets angry when we leave if she is drinking around the kids.

What I need to know is what is the better way for me to go about this up until now I admit I am intollerant of the drinking and I do not want it around my children but when I try to discuss it with her she just seems to drink more. I have been “the reason” for her drinking for so long that I just do not want to make it any worse then it already is.

#2

First of all, you ARE NOT THE REASON FOR HER DRINKING. Forget that for ever. Alcoholics have a disease and the disease takes over and controls us. We drink when we feel good, when we feel bad and all the times in between.

We can SAY that we are drink because of someone or some thing but that is a lie and most alcholics don’t know it is a lie. You can love your mom and pray for her but you can’t make her stop drinking. Keeping your kids away from her might be the best for you (so you don’t worry what might happen), for them (so they don’t perhaps get a taste of booze that might start them off, or so they don’t have a “positive” role model for drinking) and for your mom (with the kids kept from her maybe, just maybe she might realize she has a drinking problem - this is called “hitting a bottom”.)

I wish you luck and you can email me direct if you want at heidi90065@yahoo. com (Heidi is my dog).

SHERIDAN

#3

I have tried cutting her off in my case that dose not work she follows me I moved to a small town away from my whole family to distance myself (only about an hour away but we tried) and she moved to the same town that I am living in and on a weekly basis I have to here how much she hates it here and how she moved here for me. I just do not know what to do for her I have had the police to my home to have her removed more times then I would have ever liked. I love my mother it hurts so much to watch what she dose to her self every day she called me this morning from work and wouldnt you know it she was lit I asked her mom did you drink ont he way to work she said that she had a beer to settle her stomach froml ast night which means that she was up all night and three sheets to the wind and woke up with a buzz she was not ready to let go of. She use to come to school functions the same way. I dont know why after so long of things being like this that I am reaching out now I just feel like this is just one thing holing me back from being able to move on from a really bad childhood that led me to my own recovered addictions.

#4

if its that bad to the point where she is following you, you need to do something bigger. restraining order if you have to. i know she is your mom but if she wont stop with all that has been tried i find her dangerous and threatening to you and your children. your mom is sick and need help. if she wont except it then im sorry there is nothing you can really do. i was treated that way. left completely alone basically to die. my family put a restraint on me and i soon realized that absolutely no one wanted anything to do with me. i was a very dangerous person. i was physically violent and also mentally violent. i would follow people just like you mom did you. i finally realized i had nothing left. i could have died but i got lucky that i figured it out. your mom may figure it out but if not just remember that its not your fault. sorry if this is harsh advice but your mom needs help and she wont take it. nothing more you can do.

-----Original Message-----
From: keljo0698 alcoholism-cpt6956@lists.careplace.com
To: mysinsbleed@aim.com
Sent: Thu, 29 Nov 2007 8:17 pm
Subject: Re: [alcoholism] My mother the alcoholic

#5

Hi keljo0698, my name is Barb/or Mrs Barb. I am sorry that you are hurting so bad, i hear it in your email, i just wanted to let you know that I am a recovering alcoholic, and just stopped that crap that has ruined my liver and pancreas for good! I truely believe that you are taking the fall for her/mother and you should NOT be blaming anyone but HER! sounds like you have done everything you can to try and get her to understand where you are coming from, but no effort on her part. My daughter is 22 and blamed herself for my drinking problems and i had no CLUE she felt this way until I landed in the Hosp. The doctors told my husband and her that if I drank again i would be dead, talk about guilt. My daughter told me if I drank again that when she has babies they would NOT be allowed here/at our home with or without her. It really made me think about all the hearts i broke during this time of my life and would never ever want to miss out on my grandchildren, as i did her growing up…Makes me sad to this day (4 years) later. So what i would do is take control of your life your family/children and explain to your mother that it is NOT healthy for your children or you to be in that type of situation. It is not fair to you or your children…Please be strong, and stand your grounds with her and I truely believe you will be happier not having that worry, and your mother will come to terms with it, just like I DID. She has to want to HELP herself first, before anyone can help her. don’t enable her to making you feel guilty for the safety of your family and children if she loves you and her grandchildren plus herself she will come to terms with reality!! Ok it is late, but if you would like to chat more send me a email or privite messages ok…my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family…BE STRONGER then the BOTTLE!!! It will help your mom not hurt her down the path of recovery…Big Hugs and Love, Barb

From: keljo0698 alcoholism-cpt6956@lists.careplace.com
Date: 2007/11/29 Thu PM 02:49:38 CST
To: msboosting@windstream.net
Subject: [alcoholism] My mother the alcoholic

#6

Kelio, you are doing the right thing in not allowing your children to be around your Mom when she is drinking; and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT she is drinking. An alcoholic doesn’t need an excuse to drink, I know I am an alcoholic with 10 yrs. of sobriety. I am well aware of all the excuses we used for that next drink, good; bad; indifferent; hurt feelings; I had them all down to a science…and your Mom does too!!!
However, you do need to tell her why you are the way you are with your kids. They do need your protection from her. You do need to do what ever you have to do make their world safe, but your world also needs to be safe from her, so she can no longer hurt you. In order to help your children be safe,. you have to be safe so you can pass that onto your children.
Wait until she isn’t drinking, if that is a possible time (usually in the morning, but not too late in the morning) sit her down, and may you want to have another person with you, and tell her why, but make sure she is looking at you, you are sitting close to her, and she knows that you are NOT talking through your anger. IF she sees your anger, that is ALL she is going to see, and not the REASON for you protecting yourself and your kids. She will just reason away the reason, and just say “she was just so angry at me.” The bible says “not to heap coals upon a fire,” and that “a mild answer turns away rage.” You will have to be the one with a mild answer, as she has no idea how to be mild, nor not be angry. I hope this helps. It may not help. Remember, your mom has to WANT to STOP drinking, and all the coercision, begging, being nice, being angry, is not going to help, unless she wants to quit, and actually sees a need to quit. If she doesn’t stop drinking or want help after the above, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF and allow yourself to think that you have done something wrong. YOU HAVE NOT! She is the one making the choices to drink, and live her the life the way she is! IT HAS TO BE HER CHOICE to quit, just like it is your choice to keep safe from her for yourself and your kids.
love you,
bip

#7

Hi Keljo,
it’s prawney here, my heart goes out to you, and you have had good positive feed back, myself in recovery for a few years have had similar situations to deal with myself, Mrs barb and Bip moreorles has really let you know their expeirences and how they had to deal with it, brings back alot of painful memories with my own recovery journey, I understand for my journey how it is a family illness and how I just wanted to be in control of the whole situation at the time, yet I was so ill I just would not/could not listen to anything or anyone. I can see now how I managed to get every one, all my loved ones, friends, docters, pubs,shops, off liscences to enable myself to continue with the horrendous afflication of Alcoholism that I was totally swimming in 24/7.
It took 2 dear friends both in recovery and wise with the illness to rally round all and put in action a no go area for me at all, it felt at the time the world and all where ganging up on me, left to my own devices I slowly painfully wheened myself of, a journey which so many of us have to do. I only share this with you as now in recovery my loved ones where thinking and talking like yourself, and just did not know how to get away from my illness.
Keljo= there is a saying, THE CHOICES WE MAKE, NOT THE CHANCES WE TAKE, DETERMINE OUR DESTINY. It feels you have a choice to lovingly confront your mother over what you need for yourself and even more importantly for your children. I will not suggest how, only you will know the best way, you stated also you have your own issues to deal with, i agree and understand why all had to abandon me for their sanity and protection and I hope from reading all stories from all this will spur you on to do what your heart is already telling you.
Keljo, it’s not going to be easy and maybe you need alot of support spread around you and your children as like all of us who have been in your mums situation we just could not accept what was being done, said and put in place. At the time when it happened to me, I actually did not have a choice, not only with what all was doing to me, yet even harder, I just did not have a choice at all in actually stopping to drink. This maybe? is what is happening for your mother, once I had a supervised detox did I start to have a choice in life, yet I firmly believe the loss of contact to all was possibly the turning point towards recovery.
So Keljo, what ever and how you do it, the most important thing is you are protecting and looking after yourself and your childrens needs which is so essential! you are also supporting your mum in the long term. I do hope so much what you have read from all has re-inforced what I feel you know and that it gives you enough strength to put it in place. For your mum, just maybe this is what she needs to change her life and start having choices like you have today. My heart and thoughts are there for all of you. Be the change you wish to see in the world. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

#8

Thank you all so much, I will take what you all have told me in while I get ready to go and talk to her I am going to speak with my brother and see if he wants to be a part of this.

#9

Keljo, that sounds so strong what you have just replied to. what lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. take care and look after you prawneyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

#10

I AM SO VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU, and i hope my little ok long message helped you in standing tall to your mother!!! I didn’t talk to my mother for 12 years because of abuse, and now low and behold we can talk now that her husband has passed on! (thanks goodness) my fears and being scared went when he died! Like I said in my post to you, you can do it, and don’t let the guilt trips sucker you back in it happens, been there done that. The one thing I can’t bring back is my daughter growing up with a drunk mother!, it saddens me deeply but our relationship now is the bomb :slight_smile: Ok it’s late again so need to head to bed…Hope you have a wonderful night and pain free day…Email anytime: msboosting@windstream.net ok…Big Hugs and Love to YOU, Barb :slight_smile:

From: keljo0698 alcoholism-cpt6956@lists.careplace.com
Date: 2007/11/30 Fri AM 09:08:09 CST
To: msboosting@windstream.net
Subject: Re: [alcoholism] My mother the alcoholic

#11

hi this is karkie i no wot u mean about your mum the only difference is i had it with my dad.we had strong words about his drinking but wot ever i said maid any difference so in the end i left him 2 it i probley think u should do the same i no al we want 2 do is stop the drinking but we r powerless even if its our mother,i think u should b there 4 her but let her get on with it don’t let your kids c her in a state they wont understand & u have 2 protect your sobrity rember its not your falt u just have 2 except it good luck karkie