Wow…I’ve just read everyone’s posts in this thread and I can relate to every one of them. I am married to a cerebral narcissist. I have chosen to remain in this marriage and give it my all. I know…I know…I’m stupid. But I do love him…(why…i’m working on that with my therapist).
I’m learning to understand his behavior and toughening my outer shell to handle it. Why do we stay in relationships that don’t validate us as a woman and a wife? Like DoubleDee said…I know I’m beautiful…inside and out. I have great sexual chemistry with men, but yet I’m totally uninteresting to my husband. He would rather have a porno and himself. I realize now it’s because of his fear of intimacy. He was never taught empathy…never experienced it as a child. The only emotions he ever shows are the ugly ones. Living with him is a mix of 3 year old temper tantrums, nasty “fratboyish” type talk and a machine. Sound familiar to anyone?
Well, I have actual scars…my stbxh would rage on me, push my buttons, demand explainations for things that I had no answer for, wouldn’t stop no matter how much I engaged, didn’t engage, begged or cried. After about 4 years of this, I started cutting. Imagine that…cutting…actually scratching my ankles or arms where no one could see…at the age of 37. I was abused as a child and have never cut, but I have been driven to near insanity by this man. I have only been gone a couple of months, feel free and happy, don’t miss him in the slightest, but I have some scarred up ankles.
I’ve been wounded but its hard for me to separate what was caused by the trauma of the last relationship and the trauma of my childhood. I’ve certainly changed in a lot of ways for the worse since it all happened. I currently have a lack of empathy for most people, though it wasn’t always present. There’s a part of me now that will not allow myself to open up in anyway that would expose my emotions to more trauma. I always had trouble in these areas, but not to this extreme… its been magnified and I consider it quite a scar.
its unbelievable that someone can be driven to that.
But i dont think that there is one person who is not driven to complete despair by an n at one time or another…its like an internal"scream"like that bloody painting!!
I found that when i got to that point…it drove me to"blow"and suprise,suprise,that regresses the balabce…but it NEVER lasted for long…and did me nore harm than good.
I think they spend all their time trying to hit the right "spot"personally.
xx
Well you would have to have issues of your own for someone to drive you to that dark of a place. I have a lot of trauma from childhood, one being a really big, mean older brother that terrorized me…yelled a lot. My stbx’s rages on me probably triggered unfinished shit that I have. Needless to say, I got back into t fast. The point is that “normal” people would not push someone so far. They would see that the person they care about is experiencing distress and back off. As far as emotional scars, not sure yet…
wastedyouth…you are an emotional being,and the pathway to insanity is denial of emotions(so they say anyway)dont deny yourself!..feel what you feel and express it…its your right as a human being!
Old Freud surfaces again…repression…I fully agree it comes from childhood stuff…time to rebel?how many times can a person be hurt without building up defences…thinlkwe all do that one to survive this stuff…lol
I think some of the scars and wounds have turned into my own bad character! I used to be a nice person…mellow, polite, smiling and friendly. I have at times acted like a raving banshee, leaving numerous hostile messages, and saying things I never said before in my life. Of course when I do, I get the silent treatment and am treated like a crazy person that has no reason to be upset. Dummy me… I will clean his house, do his laundry or whatever else he wants, get criticized talked to like dirt, never appologized to and somehow he always turns it around into me being the bad guy and him oblivious of any problem!!! AHHHH!!! WHY do I keep doing this? I have kicked him to the curb at least 50 times and keep returning. I know he manipulates me like he does all of his other hosts. Where is Prince Charming!!! It isn’t my narcissist that prevents me from getting a life! IT’S ME!!
I have become the fruitcake that he has been insinuating that I am. I KNOW!!! Call the GHOST BUSTERS!!! 
repressed anger?you have a right to feel angry about the way that you are treated…its got to come out somewhere…that smiling happy person has been’ground down’to say",i used to be a smiling,happy person"…means you are still in touch with your real feelings/emotions and you are aware that you are’not yourself"…Emotional deprivation?isolation?..you are human,with your own wants and needs too…the world doesnt revolve around your man!
Wow spiral, thanks for that. Tears came when I read your post because I sometimes forget those things. And yes there is isolation and repressed feelings that occasionally surface from nowhere like a volcano. Ya know what I hate about it? He is toxic for me and is destroying me but I love him and keep finding myself trying to ‘fix’ him. Now someone needs to fix me!
YOU need to fix you.
You need to fix you by fixing your feelings/emotions…expressing them whether he likes it or NOT…be selfish…he is.
The old"yin\yang balance thing…meet him half way…not his way…
and if you have to FIGHT to regain balance,so be it…you are fighting for your rights as a human being…to FEEL.
(this is not so easy if he is physically agressive)
The SAS teach their soldiers to keep their spirits up,by sticking two fingers up for example behind ther captor/torturers/interrogators backs…in order not to"break"them…
Beat wishes…the tears will do you good x
My ex too is a cerebral narcissist. And what I want to share about my experiences with him is also fear, but fear during the 23 year marriage; that fear is no longer, but it was almost paralyzing. I was fearful of driving by trailor trucks, when at one time I zoomed by them. I was fearful of contracting cancer (when I was in my early 30’s), I was fearful of dying, and had so much anxiety that it made me want to crawl out of my skin. I went for help. It wasn’t until my actual divorce and the devastation and guilt (as my husband was projecting himself and behaviors on me) that I started to be so honest with my therapist and myself, that I was able to work on these irrational fears–the fears no longer. A cerebral narcissist is vicious and extremely vindictive. Be careful to the one who is hanging on. Why oh why are you tollerating it? What do you actually love about him? My therapist tells me that I was in love with an image (of how he presented himself), I do believe this to be true. For him to be able to walk away and switch families (that’s children and all) like he changes his underware is more telling. I believe I wasted 23 years of my life.
maewest will be interested in this one.
Mariel…nothing is a waste of time if we grow from it as human beings x we are/will be 10 x the people that we would have been without these’experiences"we only learn from bad stuff its true…so its all good!?
Mariel Lee,
You have been through what I have been through in so many ways. How can these N’s be so much alike? It seems to me that most of them have gone through life reacting and recreating their childhood traumas over and over as an adult but on remote control. It’s like they are asleep and simply choosing whatever makes them happy with no regard for anyone else. Believe me, though, inside they are stuck in childhood fears that prevent them from really being happy, even though it doesn’t seem that way. Your N like my N did not recognize or understand what a real mature marriage could look like. Although he changed families, nothing has changed his spots. He is the same person.
What I have learned I must pass on. We all have hang ups. As a host we are also reacting to our past. Think of the worst thing that happened to you as a child and remember how you felt at the time. Can you match that strong emotion and feeling with your reaction and life with your N? It is very overwhelming when you realize that we have been reacting the same way all our lives but we can change that! We can be happy after all.
Thats one thing I took away from my relationship and it even helped me heal. My ex is stuck in her ways, but I can move on and change and improve my life. Thats something she’ll never have, she can’t escape herself.
I think the scars and wounds that I carry is the fact that I am not able to trust people…but I can’t blame all of that on him it also stems from my childhood…father not there…mother abusive… Also, I think that after my ex I tend to not trust my judgement when it comes to anything… I thought he was a fabulous human being but he turned out to be something different behind closed doors… To tell his friends and family, they wouldn’t believe me…
I think healing came, however, about a year ago when I realized that it wasn’t him that was failing, it was me who had put him up on this pedestle thinking he was someone or wanting him to be this person that he just can’t be… Yes, he fooled me into thinking he was that person and I believed it, but now I get it and am better able to handle and cope with his failures… On one hand he’s intelligent, charismatic, good looking, sensitive, and a very good parent…on the other hand there is something wrong as to why he cannot hold down a job… I don’t know if it has been the death of his parents, or the demise of our marriage…that has contributed to this…according to him he became depressed after all of this and that lead to homelessness… Heavy sigh…it is very complicated!
TJ
I think that NPD leads a lot of us into making bad decisions, and I know that as time went on I did not take care of myself like I should have. I know now I have full control and choice in the situations I put myself in, and its lead to a better life and happier friendships.
Wastedyouth, I know I haven’t taken care of myself…especially being bipolar…most days I’m doing good to get a shower and take care of personal hygiene… My dd is suffering because of that… It scares me to think that the NPD is a result of my exhusbands behavior…yet some of it makes sense… I’m doing my best to take care of myself…but I wonder am I making the right decisions…
TJ
just go with the flow…go with what FEELS RIGHT at the moment and you wont go wrong.