i was just wondering what specific injuries have been left by the N battle, and wonder if certain battle scars can be specified…
my main one it seems is being afraid to"say the wrong thing"and a hatred of conflict.,and a very well controlled explosive temper,which i feel was caused by having to defend myself.
Im sure there are many,many more!
Mine would be a certain level of paranoia! Mostly being wary of any new person I meet.
But one good thing too, I have seemed to found my tongue 
I am never rude, but if someone crosses a boundary I make sure to stop them, there and then.
sounds like you wont take any crap anymore fancynancy…enough is enough isnt it!
I also have huge trust issues(call it paranoia!)…there is only one person we can perhaps really trust…ourselves and our own feelings…until someone proves us wrong that is?
But perhaps trust itself is within us…not “out there”?
Lets just call it wariness…once bitten,twice shy…not a bad thing actually
spiral
Yeah Spiralupwards. Lesson well-learnt.
another so called efect is feeling repressed…treading on eggshells with people…the old saying’dont be controlled by anything outside of yourself"is so true,but after being with an N they do it seems consciously/unconsciously condition their partners/family,…skinners work springs to mind…! when you press this button…this will happen,and resistance is such hard work!
I’m not sure the control my ex put over people was always deliberate. I think sometimes it was a panic of losing control that caused her behaviors. Regardless, the overall affect is that people gave into her every want and need in an attempt to keep the peace.
no…its not deliberate i feel,i think personally that it is down the"borderline"realms…fear of abandonment almost,control the enviro before it controlls you if you like.
Perhaps your personal growth scared her?
Well, yes, my personal growth terrified her and thinking about it I can understand. My personal growth would involve being an individual and not accepting bad behavior… and a knowledge of what I was dealing with. All that leads to my discovery of her flaws and eventual abandonment. I think personal growth leads to not accepting abusive behavior, which is incompatible with the erratic personality disorders.
Yeah, these traits are very borderline… but all these disorders seem to overlap at times. Sometimes I think I was dealing with something much, much, worse.
love the avantar by the way…my ex was a mass of contradictions that put my head in a whirlwind and took me on a wonderful/terrifying roller coaster ride…but i chose to pay the price and get on board…! this ride.
High highs…low lows.
How about something inbetween!everypne on here seems to be so’balanced"in many ways…perhaps they didnt want a smooth ride,so to speak…or perhaps they did,but their own instability put them off the rails.
sorry bout the metaphor!
What I say most often to myself is “ALL I DO IS WORK”. I thought my ExN would help me play. Well, he didn’t help me work and he wanted me to play all the time (like him) so things never balanced out.
My scars/wounds…A general feeling of uneasiness. Maybe even a lack of confidence across all aspects of my life. Though this seems harsh it’s the best way I can explain it. I was taught by my Mother to “do it afraid” so I move forward regardless, however it sure is tough second guessing yourself constantly.
Life with him was very erratic. If I said up he said down. If I said left he said right. And even when I agreed he would change sides. I was criticized constantly and that kept me off balance. Toward the end I gave up saying “I just don’t care” and I was screamed at because I didn’t care! Nothing worked to soothe him. In the last few weeks I’ve found out so much about him (through his disgruntled friends) that I don’t know who I slept next to!
So now I feel this general uneasiness. Like I don’t know what I’m doing no matter what it is. And I know I’m smarter than that. It’s like I need to get comforatable being me again.
I’ve been there, DoubleDee. After so much of the crazy making I didn’t know where I ended and she began. I still swear that all that negativity had a brainwashing like effect on me. I even read it somewhere today… its like it doesn’t matter if we know whats a lie and know whats right… being exposed to it constantly and consistently lets it all seep in a little at a time even if we don’t want it to.
I mean, I knew I was right, and I knew I was a good person. But by then end of it all, I didn’t know that… or who I was. It helped me to take better care of myself and fight those negative feelings, and find people to help me validate them and make them stronger.
wow,doubledee…,nice one.
so true…these blokes give us"messages"that we must’stay in ourplace"so to speak…i personally think that they are full of envy,they hate being equal to a mere"woman"but equality and balance means a good relationship doesnt it?
No wonder these relationships just DONT work…without give and take in equal amounts,what have we got/a relationship…i dont think so…we just end up scapegoats!
All of you have learned so much, reflected on the past, and are emerging as authentic, balanced, thoughtful, and good people. I can tell you that I have been through many of the same situations. The years of living with an N have scarred me in many ways, especially in the areas of trusting anyone, second guessing my abilities, and shattering my confidence on many levels. It is, unfortunately, a lonely place to be. I have read that many victims develop paranoia or a specific fear of some kind which creates panic attacks. I have a fear of driving on the highway many times. It’s the combination of speed, a fear of loosing control, and the noise combined. My N was very abusive years ago. Do any of you suffer from similar after effects? If so, how did you overcome them?
wow just had a thought…!
RE:do it afraid…that is so true…wise words from your mother.
I was brought up to just"get on with it"too…feel the fear and do it anyway…i keep coming back to one thing…the challenge,and there is NORTHING more challenging than an N…perhaps we were indeed brought up to’face our fears"?
kstrat…i have a fear of’saying the wrong thing"sometimes…as if its going to cause someone to"kick off"but something tells me to say it anyway…i also have a general mistrust of men…i think that they are all pretending now…there are trust issues post-n which is sad
My Ex had three girlfriends of which I was one. I didn’t know about the others for a long time. When I asked him why he needed the other women he said I intimidated him, I wanted too much from life. In his words it was easier to hang out with someone who didn’t have shit (1) or didn’t want shit (2) than someone with purpose and direction (me).
The second one (didn’t want shit girl) was the freaky one and his favorite. She did everyone and everything, many times with him in the room watching or joining in (if you know what I mean). It looks like I snagged a somatic narcissist.
So adding another rock to the pile I also feel sexually rejected. Like I’m not ENOUGH! Whatever enough is! I’m just not enough of enough! LOL And this is a freaking lie! And I know it!! I’m beautiful inside and out. I’m smart, funny, cool, sexy. I have alot going for myslef and everyone who meets me likes me! But yet somehow I’m not ENOUGH, because the man I loved rejected me for some slut who wants to bone everything on the eastern seaboard while he watches! Because this is “LOADS OF FUN” LMAO
Jeez, the world is a twisted place! LOL
love that one…we should have a spitting venom area on this…lol
no he sounds so up his own backside he was boning himself…as you so eloquently described it!
he was bloody well jealouse of you…take it as a sort of compliment!?
mine felt intimidated by me too I think…otherwise why would they need to put us down!
they like strong women but they cant handle them…basically because they are weak…so to be dumped by an N is a compliment(in a weird way)?
LOL, I’m sure he bones himself plenty between interludes. LMAO
But seriously, I don’t mean to rant. I guess I’m just peeved at the irony of it all. We should not be the ones walking away with emotional injuries! My last post sounds crazy and that’s because it is crazy. Yet I’m the one with the hang-ups! How dare I have hang-ups about such nonsense! Someone should smack the crap outta me!
I read that it’s important to have therapy after relationships with Narcissist. So you can work out the difference between your crap and theirs.
Hey DoubleDee,
See when you are involved with an N it’s like we move to the Land where no matter what we do is not good enough.
Mine used to do that too. It was ‘impossible’ to try to explain ANYTHING to him. He would just refuse to let it eneter his brain.
It was almost like he was looking to pick fights for no reason.
I think that a good rant is part of the healing…and there is a funny side…its like all the stuff we want to say to tHEM coming out .
Is it any WONDER we feel pissed off…!
These people just didnt realise how lucky they were to be genuinely cared about…We were all worth more x