New To The World Of NPD

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Hi all-

I stumbled into this world a few months ago and it’s like a veil has been lifted. It also feels like the muzzle is removed because now I finally can put words to the behavior that I’ve witnessed.

It’s becoming a bit overwhelming these days. The more layers I pull back the more it’s become clear that I was made an “enemy of the state” at a young age when my sister started a propaganda war against me. She was very effective. Classic divide and conquer stuff.

She convinced the family that I “deserve” to be beaten by my older brother and my sister’s boyfriends because I would go to school and get beat up there. And because I couldn’t “handle” what happened at school, I would come home and beat up my little brother. The problem was that I was not beat up at school and I did not beat up my little brother. Didn’t matter. She now had the excuse because I couldn’t “handle” what I “deserved”, I “deserved” more of the stuff I couldn’t “handle” all in the name of my little brother.

That clever game is still thriving to this day and my brother and sister have taught there kids the same routine. Pretty much has the kids doing there dirty work. My 5 year old nephew was almost dis-owned for saying “good game” to me. My sister went into what I now recognize as N rage. She flew across the room, got in the boys face and yelled at him. “NOOOO, YOU TELL HIM. YOU TELL HIM.” The boy then proceeded to tell me how much I suck as many ways as he could think of. This was a routine that my sister had obviously practiced with her young son. After I took all he had to say, I looked at my sister and asked, “Is this how your going to raise your kids?” She smiled ear to ear. She was so proud how she turned another young mind against me just like she did to my little brother.

Fast forward 25-40 years. As a direct result of my sister’s brainwashing, my little brother’s last words to me were, “YOU JUST WAIT, YOUR DAY"S COMING. I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.” This was a couple of days before my sister passed away. He flew into the N rage after I exposed to his wife his embarrassing behavior towards our parents when they passed away.

Anyway, I’m finding that most of my family have NPD. There is a lot of similar behavior throughout. Not on my dad’s side though.
The one common denominator is that EVERYONE in my family is “allowed” to tell me how awful I am and EVERYONE of them claim to be my “advocate”. Some how I’m made to look like the crazy one because I can’t “handle” what I “deserve”.

Before this turns into a novel, I should cut it short.

The amazing thing here is that I believe someone who reads this hear really understands what I am saying. Someone will actually understand my feelings, just as I have understood what others have written here.

Today, I don’t feel so alone and isolated because you folks have taken the time and posted your own feelings here. Thank you all very much. You might imagine what I feel like finding other people “like me”.

#2

Welcome! I’ve been on this site for over a year and it’s been great therapy for me. It’s sad to see how many people have been effected by NPD and how similar our stories are. Just wen you think you’re the only one dealing with the craziness you discover you’re one of many.

#3

Nice to be welcomed DoubleDee. It sure is a different feeling.

There is one question about therapy I’d like ask everyone. Is this new found awareness enough for one’s soul or is therapy something that must accompany this new world?

I’ve always recognized the NPD in my family and am aware of many “traumatic turning points” that were forced into my life. I just now have a name and for it.

Is there some perspective I should look to? Is there enough information on the various NPD websites to get me through this? So far, all the info has been very helpful. I think it’s time to take it to the next level, if there is one.

#4

RE:therapy.
I wonder how any therapist can help unless they have personal experience with an N?its down to the individual.
personally i feel knowledge is power and who knows us better than ourselves?its up to the individual as regards therapy…if it helps…do it,I say…as long as its a good therapist of course.
Hello and best wishes by the way.

#5

Therapy is more about understanding you. You will never truly comprehend why Narcissists do what they do. Simply because you are not a narcissist. Read everything you can get your hands on and make your own conclusions about therapy. Regardless it can’t hurt. I’m going to try and resurrect a post from last year on the books I read.

#6

Of the 4 therapists I’ve had in the last 6 years

one was horrible FOR ME, and I really do think she didnt take the time to gather enough information from me, have the necessary experience or knowledge on how to help someone who was with a N or S and I felt much worse after the 2 sessions I had with her

of the other 3,
-the first was and still is brilliant, she was with me while my relationship and my partNer went from bad to worse

  • the 2nd was a wealth of information that was helpful specifically regarding children and partners of N’s, that was beneficial to have my experiences validated and confirmed as typical and normal, and with whom I figured out I could never have made it work

but at a certain point a few months ago it became clear I no longer needed the kind of support one usually gets in therapy, I needed someone who specialized in EMDR and helping victims suffering from trauma bonding and PTSD because I didnt need to TALK about my feelings anymore, I didnt need to process them anymore - I had done all of that kind of work I needed to do - what I now needed was someone who could help me neutralize the trauma responses that were still running the show subconsciously.

And after 4 appts I can tell I’m on the right path. I have my 5th tomorrow. What I find particularly comforting is that in passing she has revealed a quite detailed knowledge of what N’s and S’s are like and how they can twist a person up like a pretzel. So I not only feel like I’m being helped, but I feel recognized without having to explain very much.

I tell my stories and she “gets it” (even the ones I think are most “extraordinary”).

Thats MY path. I’ve completed therapist training although I dont work as one. So I have a BIG bias where the benefit of therapy is concerned. Whether you want or could benefit from therapy is a decision only YOU can make. Having said that, I’m also big on trying more than one until you find the right fit for you.

My 1st therapist was brilliant, but I recognized when I needed something/someone different.

I want to say this though, if OTHER things work for you, I’m interested in hearing about it. The “bag of tools” can never be too full as far as I’m concerned. Someone whose opinion I respect suggested to me a couple weeks ago, that a spiritual path would be helpful, so I’ve been walking that path quietly and privately too.

I wish we talked more about what we’re doing and whats wroking and whats not and the fleeting or enduring moments of clarity and peace and joy. Theres so much to share thats negative and angry and hopeless…I wish it was balanced by whats positive, joyful and hope-full.

#7

The Phoenixxx…I agree with you 100%. In 1992 I went through a very traumatic divorce and I started seeing a therapist. I got so lucky to have gotten a “good fit” with the first one that I tried. Many times he kept my head above water when I just couldn’t tread anymore. I have seen him off and on for the last 16 years. He is wonderfully supportive and very smart and always gives me other ways to look at situations and ideas of approach and the pitfalls to look for.
Now, that being said. I met a man through work who is a psychologist. He and I hit it off…were very drawn to each other. He has been such a wonderful friend. My “real” therapist is exactly what he should be. My “friend” kicks my a.s.s. and talks straight up to me. He keeps me focused on the big picture in a straight forward manner…and i love that. I like dealing straight up. Not that my therapist doesn’t do that…but they have different styles. I have benefited greatly from both. And I agree with what you said about there comes a time when you are done rehashing the trauma you are currently going through and get down to the nitty gritty…which is…what makes us tick and why me make the choices we make and how to learn to make better ones…and to love ourselves.

#8

(edit)

The only learning I got about how to make better choices was that NOW I know what a N or S can look like INSIDE a relationship, I wont be doing that again. But that didnt come from therapy. What came from therapy is the acceptance I got hit by a bulldozer dressed as a thoroughbred.

The work for me THEN was surviving the devestation left behind…the work NOW is to clean up the subconscious debris of that trauma.

I have a lifetime’s history of making good choices before my exN came along, I just want to have a clear head and heart that I can have that back for whats LEFT of my life.

(edit : I know what brought us to our experiences with N’s is different for each of us, and what I have to say about msyelf likely doesnt apply to anyone else, and I apologize, I still harbour anger and I suppose still need to vent.)

#9

I apologize ohmicah

this thread isnt about me

I’m wishing you a lot of good things now that you find yourself here

#10

WOW

These messages are really touching spots in me that haven’t been touched for a long time.

Thanks for the advice. When I tried therapy back in '87 I was steered into a re-hab. The worse thing for me I think. I didn’t need more tearing down at that time. I did gain perspective but not what I needed. I’ve gotten more from these few posts than all that.

I also saw a therapist romantically a few years ago. Nothing professional at all. She quickly tore the soul out of me and told me she couldn’t even talk to me until I got my shit together. We worked together at another job so there was that tension too. I quit the job soon after and was made to look bad. This was at a particularly painful time too.

So you can see my reluctance to go in that direction.

I swear that the best thing out of my brush with the Howard Stern Show was the realization that Bigfoot, Stern and my brothers and sister all think the same way. Please read my story about that on my page. The whole situation is like a case study for me.

You should have seen the deer in the headlight looks I got when I stood up to all these bullies. It was actually quite sad to see the light flicker out but necessary to defuse the monsters. They are really confused by my passive aggressive approach. They will try every tactic except a little respect and that’s all it would take. Sad but true. They just can’t give me a little thunder.

#11

Phoenixxx-
No need to apologize. It’s all good. Keep it coming. I do want to hear your perspective.

#12

I did some tinkering. My page should be available to those on Careplace. :slight_smile: