No Good Thoughts

uh, pretty tired at this point - mentally. I’m just so tied talking to myself, keeping intact whatever integrity remains. I suffer from anxiety attacks. It’s been very hard as I am usually quite the people’s person, I get along with many different types of people. I don’t really want to be around anybody much these days, I don’t even like occupying myself, and that I believe is the hardest thing; The world can reject me, but when I lose touch with self and all the things I love about self, it’s difficult to love whatever “this” is?! I don’t give up b/c I remember somewhat what it feels like to be me and I’m in love with that. My Dreams no longer feel like my own, it’s like someone jacked me into a DVD player, playing movies in my head and there isn’t one moment I like what I’m seeing or feeling, I don’t even enjoy feelings of happiness, as I don’t have the fullness of myself to enjoy it, rather some impostor inhabiting my vessel and pushing out everything that is me so it can experience the world in my place. . .I feel corrupted at best. I just really miss myself, and I feel like I’ve lost so much respect from family and friends, no one seems to take me seriously.

Thanks 4 the listen

I pretty much felt that way when i was younger up until now but not nearly as severe. Spending most of my time alone, i created ways to channel that energy instead of filling my head. I was very much into art and writeing so i started makeing journals. I wish i still had the today, my mother did not approve of the writeing inside so she threw them away and for someone like me you might be able to iagine how devistateing that was. My energy today i use to really try and understand why i have felt the way i have for so many years, I still have the attacks and mood trips but thats what helps me make it through the days, also i just started up therapy and that has really taken the edge off…

take care,