Well, after many emails, my N only responded to my emails of apology and to the one where I said, I am going to date other people and wanted to question left in my mind… he said no question, go date other people. so why am i left here feeling like a worthless crazy woman? And I feel like he is out having fun thinking I am nuts and what the F is wrong with her. I am so great. i just want some emotion from him.
Read “He’s Just Not Into You”–great book that will give you total clarity and freedom. If you need more reinforcement–pray for strength to move on with dignity. You need to be free of him. I promise he’s not thinking of you. Move on, girl–life’s too short to waste on a loser.
On Sep 21, 2007, at 11:50 PM, hopetoday npd-cpt5999@lists.careplace.com wrote:
You feel this way because he let go so easily. He didn’t say I’m sorry, he didn’t fight for you, try to stop you, tell you he loved you please don’t see other people. You don’t feel important. You feel easily replaced. You are not easily replaced, this is the Narcissist projecting his lack of self worth on to you. I can’t say enough about how important it is to read about this disorder. You need to understand what belongs to you and what is clearly his issue. I posted some comments in another thread. I’m going to look for them now and post them hear for you.
This is a chapter from the book “Help I’m In Love With A Narcissist” after reading the recent posts I thought this important.
Why breaking up with a Narcissist is especially difficult
We asked people why they thought breaking up with a narcissist was particularly painful. Here are some of the reasons they gave:
You never really understand what happened or why it didn’t work; you lack a sense of closure.
You don’t understand why your partner refuses to do anything to save the relationship.
You can’t figure out why your partner seems angry with you.
It feels as though nothing that happened between the two of you was real.
Your partner acts as though he/she wants you to continue to be loving and supportive even as you are being rejected.
You can’t get over the feeling that you did something wrong or that you are somehow responsible for not making the relationship work.
You feel as though your partner doesn’t see you realistically and doesn’t know who you are.
Any tendencies you have to be jealous are being fanned by your partner’s behavior.
You feel as though he/she is the only person who can make you feel better.
Always remember how special you are and that you deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve love. Don’t be concerned with helping him right now, first you need to help yourself.
hopetoday
Nothing is wrong with you, DoubleDee is right he is just projecting his lack of self worth onto you. Please read Help I’m in Love With a Narcissist it will help.
For the record my ex N made me feel very worthless and used, I was so confused and very hurt I could not understand him!!
Read as much as you can it truly does help.
Taylor XX
Ok here’s a thing, all of these apply to me right now following break up with my boyfriend (albeit we have been off more than we have been on in those 9 months)
All of those reasons why breaking up with a narcissist was particularly painful apply to me. Thing is he is not a narcissist, but I believe he is a lost soul, and I am fairly convinced, schizophrenic. .
Hopetodays posting on thread “resolution and solution†are similar to what is plaguing me right now. My b/f – ex - troubles me because he touched my life and despite his many rejections of me I can’t help feeling he needs me, and that I can help him somehow. He is in my head before I open my eyes in the morning and I am achieving very else. He has no parents but many brothers and sisters and tho I don’t know them, I sense most of them have little patience for him and live their own lives. Sometimes lots of sibling render you not particularly close to any of them, and this is what I sense. He has recently moved back to their area, but I don’t know if he living with anyone or alone.
What strikes me is that the sicker person may well be me. I am sat here desperate to contact him, and desperate to re-assure him of my love and basically, I suppose, being pathetic. But then…….am I? I have compassion to share – I recently sold my business, and without closure on this relationship I am finding it hard to move on with anything in my life.
I just don’t know, I may contact him today. Its been nearly 2 weeks – about the longest i ever gone. His responses usually leave me cold, so maybe I just need more rejection – for my own re-assurance! But what if he is warm, its so risky, maybe i am hooked on the drama after 15 years married to a big fat N.
happy saturday x
Its such an awful feeling to know you can be let go of so easily…one minute you were sooo special but later u can leave or be kicked out as tho you were never anyone at all…someone else replaces you…
That really sticks in my throat that if I vanished hed just totally forget me after everything when Ill never be able to forget him…
But its NOT about us, its not cos were forgetable its their problem that their feelings are so shallow after a time…
Its funny you say he only responded to certain mails ,Ive had that too…all the lovely or soul searching ones were ignored ( when going tho a bad time) but hed reply if I ever sent one attacking him or so…
I must look for that book…Im busy reading Help Im in love with a narc atm…
Thank you all! I could not respond my Mother was here for a few days. Yesterday afternoon after she left, I felt drained and could not get out of bed and watched tv all night and woke up depressed. I realized that I really think my mom is an N and she created my brother who is an N. I love my mom and she is amazing!!! I feel bad for saying anything bad about her, i really do but I feel like I was the parent and she is the child but anyways, that is not what I wanted to discuss.
While she was here I wrote my N and just said:
"Subject: sorry
I apologize for everything. I totally now accept you and I am incompatible. After a day with my mom I realize so much and I have to accept you and that you don’t want the same things as me. I will let go…and not criticise nor expect anything from you. I am not being sarcastic, am serious and wi let us both move on and find new people."
he wrote:
"Subject: RE: sorry
It is hard because I still love you, I still have strong feelings for you, and at the same time I think we need to go our separate ways, and find other people. I am always here for you as a friend. Thank you for your email.
xoxo
-N"
I wrote this becasue I have been asking him if I should date other people becasue we are over and if he truly does not care. Also, it is mean of me but I wanted to know if that would push him to see if I was serious, so this is what I wrote:
"Subject: RE: sorry
So if I go out on a date, I know for sure we are over. Right? Just want to have no questions in my mind. thanks"
He did not respond, so I wrote this,
"Subject: RE: sorry
So… If you don’t answer I will assume no answer means you do not care. Ok?"
he responded with this,
"I just got your email… Right… no questions.
-N"
DoubleDee, I sat at borders reading that book and I got so angry! Thank you for pasting this and this is every emotion that I feel right now.
"
DoubleDee Posted yesterday:
This is a chapter from the book “Help I’m In Love With A Narcissist” after reading the recent posts I thought this important.
Why breaking up with a Narcissist is especially difficult
We asked people why they thought breaking up with a narcissist was particularly painful. Here are some of the reasons they gave:
You never really understand what happened or why it didn’t work; you lack a sense of closure.
You don’t understand why your partner refuses to do anything to save the relationship.
You can’t figure out why your partner seems angry with you.
It feels as though nothing that happened between the two of you was real.
Your partner acts as though he/she wants you to continue to be loving and supportive even as you are being rejected.
You can’t get over the feeling that you did something wrong or that you are somehow responsible for not making the relationship work.
You feel as though your partner doesn’t see you realistically and doesn’t know who you are.
Any tendencies you have to be jealous are being fanned by your partner’s behavior.
You feel as though he/she is the only person who can make you feel better."
SO… why do I feel like shit? Why is he doing this? Does he really just not care? How can this be happening?
I feel like my life is in Limbo and he has control and knows it. He pays our bills, I live in this condo.
Why did we buy this condo? What payoff does this give him?
I want to know if he is hurting!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I want to know if he truly does not care!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!
Why am I so angry? I am so pissed off I can’t stand it.
I have also flipped out the last time we saw each other and now I feel like i am the cray one.
I wrote him a ton more emails which he did not respond to expect that we are not right for each other and that how dare I judge or analize or say anything about him or his family. I wrote everything to him that I have told you guys. In a polite anazling way. I don’t know what I thought would change besides him getting mad at me.
My friend told me not to push him and that we need to make them miss us and want us and if we demand anything from a man that they will not want to give it to us, but I feel like I need to say what I want and tell him.
can you tell that I am in a mood today? Can you tell that I feel like I am lost and sad and hurt and wishing for something better?
Why do I feel like I can’t see the next?
Why do I still have hope that he wants me and will try??? Even after what he wrote?
what is wrong with me? All you people out there who feel like you have healed, do you really feel healed? Do you feel like you have truly moved on? Or is this our jail sentence for life?
This is my 3rd N in my life!
Will I go on to the 4th? Or is this it and the end? No more N’s???
Also, if you go on that theory, you chose mates to solve your issues with your families, does that mean that the rest of our lives we will be with N’s so that we can heal our childhood???
sorry, I know that this is a huge rant and craziness. I feel crazy!!!
Im sorry youre still feeling so confused and hurt…I can relate, I had a really bad few days and I could write a huge rant too…especially at myself for not being able to just let go when I know its the thing to do…
I too wanna know does he just not care at all? etc etc
Im trying hard NOT to contact him tho…damn hard …I wanna ask so much…but I wrote a nice text on thurs just saying hope hes ok etc and he ignored it and didnt talk at all while hes been home this w/e so Im trying to be strong and think IF he wants to hear from me HE has to make the effort…not saying Ill stick to it but for now Im trying…sometimes its the only way…take a step back …and defo he hates pressure and demands…
I wish I could answer your whys and my own whys…
I dont know if Im the only one here but this is the first person with problematic N tendancies that Ive known…maybe theres been others I just didnt notice, cant have been a problem tho. I had a great childhood my dad had some difficulites showing affection due to his family but he was great with my own children…I truly dont feel this has anything to do with my childhood and Im not generally attracted to these people…
I had a need I guess and am defo a person who tries to help others and my friend came along needing help and sensing in me he found someone he could trust… (and fool and use and hurt etc )…but I really cant think WHY it happened…just bad luck…
Oh well its more about trying to be ok again and not fretting too much how it happened…
it seems we are all struggling with the fact that they can let go sooo easily while we are still struggling. but, have we considered that maybe it is not that easy for them and that maybe they just have no other choice but to let go because they know that WE know! does that make sense? i truly do not believe that they do not still carry feelings about the break up but that they do not allow themselves to feel or for us to see that they feel! why? if he called you begging for forgiveness and said he was sorry then that would give you the power and the control. Most likely, we would reject them for their rotten behavior… we would feel strong…can’t have that! also, have we considered that it is THEIR rejection of us that keeps us coming back? we NEED their approval…why? for me… i have discovered that this was ingrained in me by my mother, i am trying to recreate my childhood in the hopes of FIXING her, me, it. just a theory but… i have been trying to convince myself that it was ME who rejected him… in essence this is true by my refusal not to accept his lies, hence the ending of the marriage. he has not ended the marriage; i have because i see him for what he truly is. he knows this and knows that he can not pretend with me any more. i do not feel that he truly wants to be with someone else but that he cannot be with me because he is not capable of living in truth. once their “mask” is revealed it is very painful and scarey for them. they cannot believe that anyone would accept their true selves! imagine if your deepest darkest secrets were revealed on the local news. would you want to leave town or could you try to live in an environment where you thought no one would accept you? though we may tell them that we could accept who they truly are they HATE themselves so much that they WILL NOT believe that anyone could not HATE them as well. no getting around that, they will not allow anyone to love them. period. instead, they just turn their feelings off, they have to in order to survive. i know this may invoke sympathy and may make you/us want to reach out even more… but you have to understand that you just cannot get through that wall of self loathing. also, they cannot trust anyone, they are liars and they BELIEVE that everyone is also a liar. it is just a viscious tornado of beliefs and counter-beliefs going on in their heads. nothing is true to them, not even our love for them…CRAZY!
hopetoday, I’m glad you took the time to read some of that book. It’s funny you mention how it made you mad. I was mad reading it too, several times I wanted to throw it across the room. This is a good thing! Your eyes are being opened! If you have the opportunity to buy it do so. Keep it by your bedside and when you’re feeling weak, like you want to send him an email or pick up the phone. Pick up the book instead, read about narcissim remember everything that happened to you. Stay grounded in reality and eventually you will be able to move on. You will still hurt and you will miss him but when you realize that there’s nothing you can do to effect the situation you will be able to let go. Even if you got back together, what would you endure? What would you accept just to be in a relationship with him? Why is he more important than your well being? Read everything you can get your hands on and keep reading!!! I can’t stress enough how important it is to your healing process.
If you read some of my previous posts or my journal you can see how much pain I was in. I can’t say that I still don’t feel hurt at times. I have accepted that there’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him stay, I can’t wish away narcissim no matter how much I try. Accepting reality is the first step to healing. Many of us have had horrible break ups with our N’s only to find they go away for a brief period then start calling with renewed interest. It’s like being on a nightmarish merry go round of pain and disappointment. Just when you think it’s over and you can move on here they come again. It’s enough to make you crazy and it sounds like you’re going off the deep end yourself. I hate to say it but that’s a normal part of being in a relationship with a narcissist. You get so turned around you don’t know if your coming or going. KEEP READING!!! It will set you straight. Read everything you can get your hands on. It’s better than any therapy session. It’s better than constantly discussing your relationship with friends and family. They don’t understand narcissim and they don’t understand what you’re going through.