So I spent 4 hours getting ready for the counselor - I even wrote down what I was going to say. Jamie went with me and I spent most of the time crying. So here is what I was supposed to say:
This past July Jamie and I had a nice night together. We at dinner, put the kids to bed and made love. Then he said he had to go out for a minute but he would be right back within an hour. It was about 10:30 pm. He would do this often and it would always turn out bad. That night he didn’t come home at all and the next day after waiting up all night, calling his cell phone over & over again, calling the hospitals, checking if he was arrested, and driving around looking for him I found him on 6th & Schulkill in an alley/dirt parking lot. He had never stayed gone this long – the latest he had stayed away was 7:30 am. This time it was 4:30 pm.
He tried pulling away from me but then he drove home as I followed behind him. When we got to the house he would not get out of the car – he looked sick and his eyes were all withdrawn. He would not open the car door. He would not speak to me. I started getting upset and yelling at him to open the door. He didn’t and he drove away. I tried to catch up to him but he drove faster and lost me. Four hours later I found him around the corner from the same parking lot. This time our son saw him and said, “There’s dad!†– I pulled around the corner and saw his truck. As I pulled up next to the truck – Jamie jumped into his truck and tried to pull out in front of me. Our son jumped out of the car and ran to his truck. Jamie stopped the car and our son started asking him why he hadn’t been home. Jamie then drove home.
I asked Jamie to move out of the house – I remember telling him to leave and how angry I was that he wouldn’t stop doing drugs and how he kept lying to me. He moved out after a few days and moved in with Ashley Williams. He lied to me for a month about where he was staying and who he was staying with. He kept saying it was one of his male friends. I hate Ashley – I wish she would drop off the face of the earth – she makes me sick. I had problems with her 1-2 years prior and Jamie knew how I felt about her but he moved in with her anyway. Jamie says he had no where else to go – he could have went anywhere but there.
During this time apart I have asked Jamie to do a few things to show me and the kids that we were his priority:
- NO MORE Drugs
- Get counseling/go to rehab
- Get a 40 hour a week job.
- Move out of Ashley’s and into his own place.
- Go to church with us
He has done this to me before – moved in with other women (Bobbie, Jodi). I don’t know why he would do that to me. It tears me apart inside. When I asked him to leave the house I thought he would realize what he lost and man up. I feel like he took the time to start a new life with Ashley and the two other girls that are chasing after him. There are so many things that he has done to me over the years. I am not saying that I was the perfect spouse, partner, wife or person in this relationship. I am only saying that the pain I have felt over the years never seemed to go away or even subside. It’s a good thing that my memory will not allow me to relive all of the things that he has done to me. I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of times he cheated on me or disrespected me. I don’t even know if he ever really loved me.
All of the women in his life used to tell me the same thing; that he was only with me because of the money. Its not that I am a rich person – I just have always worked hard and I always took care of him and helped him. Maybe its not a coincidence that when the money ran out he did to. I had already made him leave because of not helping the house financially and because of the drugs. But when he found out that I was going to lose my house, he didn’t even offer a nickel to help.
If Jamie even thinks that I am dating or seeing someone else he flips out and tells me that I am tainted. He tries to make me feel like I am a whore. I feel like he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to be with anyone else either. I have told him that I have been dating and going out with people but it was a bunch of lies to make him jealous. I just wanted him to realize he could lose me and make the changes in his life to come back home.
All I have wanted for the past 10 years is to be with him for the rest of my life. I thought we would be together forever. I thought he would eventually become the man he was supposed to be. I think he is depressed and that the drugs affected his better judgement. I think he resents me for being more successful than he is, that is why he messes around with such losers.
While we have been apart Jamie has told me almost everyday that he loves me and our family and that he wants to come home and be a family. He tells me that Ashley is just a friend and that they have never slept together/had sex/made love/screwed/kissed/hugged/held hands – nothing. I finally said that he could move back in and he didn’t. He told me that he is on probation and that he has to get approval. I talked to his probation officer (PO) and his PO said he could move back in at anytime – all he has to do is let him know that he is moving before he moves. Jamie had a session with his PO on Monday Feb 12, 2007 and did not tell him he is moving.
Jamie says he stopped doing drugs and that he had 5 sessions with a drug/alcohol counselor. If he has really stopped doing drugs then I am so proud of him. He has to take court ordered urine tests. However, he still hangs out with people who do and deal drugs – I do not approve of these people because they do not support our relationship or our family.
Jamie now has a night job. I am proud of him for getting this job.
Jamie has asked me to marry him too many times to count. In the past eight months he has asked me even more often. I have always been afraid to get married again. I decided to say yes to show him that I was completely committed to making things work with him. The last time he asked me was on Feb 7th and I finally said yes and he wouldn’t even go to get a marriage license with me. I think he was afraid Ashley would find out. I think he cares about her. I should not have to compete with her.
I feel like Jamie is disrespectful to me. He disrespects me in front of Ashley. Ashley is disrespectful to me and two-faced in front of our kids. She is only 21 years old. Jamie is 36. She is immature and a coward, she has tried to fight me, given me the finger, cussed at me when I have called the house and asked for Jamie, damaged my vehicle, and impersonated me. She has always known about me and the kids and has never shown one ounce of morality. I have spent almost 10 years of my life with him and I deserve better than this.
Jamie has until February 28th to move back into the house. He must stay off drugs, cancel his cell phone, and stop all contact with these women. He must contribute to the household. He will be responsible for the utility bills at the house. We will continue to go to counseling and go to church as a family. If he doesn’t do all of these things before February 28, 2007 at 11:59 pm then that will be the last minute that Jamie will be a part of my life.
My love for him will cease to exist at that very moment. I have spent the last 8 months crying over him, fighting with him, hating myself for loving him, and begging him to do the right thing. I have had to swallow my pride while being disrespected by women who aren’t even on the same level as me. I can’t do this anymore – this whole situation is tearing me and my kids apart. As March 1st begins so will my new life without him. My prior life will with him will become a distant memory. Sure we will have to talk about the kids and see each other for them but the wondering if he will be coming home will stop. I love him with all my heart. I hope he makes the right decision.
I only got to talk about 10% of this. At the end of the session Nate said that I have to stop internalizing what Jamie and Ashley are doing. That I have to focus on me and the kids and know that if Jamie really wanted to be in my life he would. He told Jamie that he has to be honest with me and that I deserve for him to tell me the truth about his intentions towards our family.
I have another session next Thursday - Nate said that no matter what I need to keep the session even if Jamie doesnt come. I will definitely be there because Nate will be able to help me get back on the right track.
