I was hit with a flood of emotions today. I felt anger, rage, hurt, sadness. I felt it all. I was just hit with every emotion flowing through me. I almost felt resentful because of it. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at somebody. Anybody. And i don’t even know why. For some reason when i left my AA meeting tonight i was pissed off. I mean Royally pissed off. And that’s when i started having mixed emotions. I was fine for a while tonight but i am fighting something and i am not sure what. Don’t ask me why i left pissed off but i did. I am not sure why i left soooo pissed. It almost makes me not want to go again. 
can someone shed some light on this.
~ashley~
Ok so i guess i am kinda lying to myself. I am reflecting back on the words being said in the meeting. The last words i remember before i blocked things out was how this person has hurt those around them because of their drinking. I am starting to cry now. Why couldn’t i do this earlier? I hold in alot of my emotions and that is part of the reason i started in the first place.Anyway this person HAD a family the same as i do. Two kids and a husband. This person lost everything. I am starting to feel this process is about figuring things out on your own. i almost lost everything.Kids,husband,car. I did lose my house. My family(extended).I was so close to the edge of losing everything.God i am in rolling tears here. I wish i could let all this out earlier. So now i feel like a horrible person for hurting those around me. No one ever prepared me for this emotional roller coaster. No one ever told me that i was going to have to figure things out on my own and that they were their to help with the process. but actually talking about it is helping.i mean really helping. I don’t talk in the meetings much at all. I have fears about showing too much emotion and being judged. I can do this whe i am not in person. But i can’t when i am seen i person. i guess that is something i need to work on as well. thanks jimmy.
well… yes, it does… but to get better we have to go through them… or we stay the same person that did “those things” that alcoholics do… tere is a reason the How It Wrks talks about honesty… it means we have to deal with the lies…
That answer just made my heart race a million miles an hour. I was hoping you would say no. These are the things i have been hiding from all my life and now i have to bring them to the surface…oh shit. Sorry i had to get that one out. Well if it means i am going to over come this then bring it on…(lots of fear) i have not been this scared to death in a long time. I guess i have alot of work to do. Thank you for being so honest with me.
just know, it is gonna bot hsuck and be freeing at the same time… and when you have gone through it…you will be amazed.
I can’t wait to be free from this baggage of hell i have been carrying around for so many years. I will keep you posted. Now maby i can get some sleep. This stuff has been racking my brain all night. It took alot for me to post this stuff. I don’t ever want to burden others with my problems/thoughts unless they ask. so it took all night to post. but you know… funny thing… i feel good about it.
hey, iy’s all good, and yeah, if you evet nrrd somronr to listen, i here. but now… i nrrd to hit the rack… i glad i cold help.
Me too. i am going to bed and getting some good sleep(i hope) talk to you soon.
Ashley, I am so proud of you! James, you rock as well!
I have to say that pain has been the best motivator in my life to be willing to make changes.
The first time that i came into the program I was very young and still had everything to loose. I had to go to get my ass out of a sling. to make a long story short, the last time I came into the program, I had nothing to loose except for my life. I was full of pain and emotional termoil. I had lost everything that was near and dear. It didn’t take going back to meetings for me to bring this stuff up,it was already in my face when i dragged my ass back to the halls.I need to share something here that was a huge turning point in my recovery,I celibrated my first year, four different times and the part of how it works that says " Half messures avail us nothing" was stairing me right smack dab in the middle of my face. I knew without a doubt that i had to be willing to go to any lengths if I was going to get clean and sober. I knew that I needed to thourohly fallow the path, wich for me ment getting a sponsor and doing whatever it was that he told me to do. It was the hardest thing that I have done. The emotional pain that I was carying arouund was consuming me in every aspect of my life. I was grief- stricken by the people that I had hurt and it was just killing me. until I was willing to face all this stuff, the promisses could not begin to come true for me. I was given some really good advice veary early on and that was to get a sponsor that had a sponsor and one that had been threw the steps, themselves.( a person that has these qualifications, is much more capable of helping and guiding us threw the work that we need to do.) and with that said i will say that my life is much better today than it was 4 years and 2 days ago. I will also add that I do not regret my past. i had to go threw excactly what i went threw in my life in order to become the person that I am today. wich is one that I love and have alot of respect for.
ash, I know what your feeling, I have been there myself and I can tell you from my own expeience that it does defenatly get much better. Remember, easy does it, and first things first. also know that your kicking this everloving shit out of your desease by doing what your doing.
The temp is up to 28 so I must get my ass in gear. Please take care of you today and know that your in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace to you~
Dave~