Pain and uncertainty

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I have to get out of this toxic relationship. EVERY time I go back, I feel bad and when I think that he is OUT of my life because I have told him not to call anymore, I feel better… lonely, but better. The problem is ME. I cannot get away. When I tell him to leave me alone, he pushes harder and when I move forward, he pulls back. I have told him that I cannot be a yo-yo anymore and he just looks at me like he has no clue what I am talking about. I wish that I could move far away to a place where he could not find me. Then maybe I would find peace.

But, I am getting increasingly more and more disillusioned and that is helping me to see the truth. The past few days I have moved closer to him, purposely so and he is uncomfortable. Usually, I remain very removed and that is more comfortable for him. I don’t want to be removed any more and especially now that i am grieving the recent loss of 2 people I loved very much (mother and my mother-in-law) I need to be close to someone. He will never be there for me and I know that.

I know that all things happen for a reason and this man came into my life with some kind of purpose, even if it is just to help me to get more self-awareness. Someday I will understand the “why” of all this and it will make sense. I have to have faith.

#2

lucia have you ever read "A Soul With No Footprints" Doubledee posted the site on this forum, check it out and read it. We have so much trouble because we can not make sense of it, and it is human to want to do that.

I have been away for a almost a week but went back to find something smg posted in a response . In the end of , if you are trying to end a relationships of this nature, the author recommends, NOT to trying to forget the person( trying not to think about something almost always leads to more fixation).....BUT to just move along. Keep your life moving forward, keep your brain as preoccupied as possible with other people, other issues, other projects....keep doing that everyday. Eventually the brain will stop fixating on that which makes no sense.

This is definitely something that will never make sense, and it keeps them in your head the more you try to. You are so vulnerable right now because of losing two people you loved and cared deeply about, try to be around family and friends that can comfort you, you do need that, we all have those needs. Are there any group meeting for grieving the loss of a loved one, who could be more supportive and understanding than someone who has shared your experience.

  I would not wish an NPD person on anyone, it is only the loving caring people that get hurt. I gave almost everything I had in me, but it does not cure them, it would have been worth it if it did. The only purpose I can find for this experience, is that maybe we can warn someone else and spare them years of living this way. Purpose, that we know how they feel, they are not alone and help them begin their journey to healing. We help ourselves by helping others. Before I found this site, I could not find one good reason or purpose for all the senseless suffering I endured. Be patient with yourself, this is not easy and we all understand that. We have been there and done that already, no surprises here, we are at different stages but all working towards moving on and healing. It is a very long bumpy road but with a little help we will get where we need to be. Hugs mamolie

#3

Lucia, I can’t tell you how many time I’ve been where you are. it’s really good to remember how you feel now, write it down, and if you get close again and the feeling comes up, reread what you wrote.

One of the things that helps me the most when I have an encounter with the narcissist who brought me to this forum is talking to people who are indisputably not narcissistic, as soon as possible after a bad experience. Take note of the difference. Pay attention to how this person who is not narcissistic makes you feel – or how they don’t make you feel. Appreciate the people in your life who are more normal. The contrast will amaze you.

I had an experience with the narcissist in my life (though he is more out than in my life at the moment). I got weak and actually texted him. He did the usual – responded right away, called me, said he wanted to talk, etc. So we made an appointment to talk today.

Well, we talked today, and he was cold, indifferent – to the point of making a show of how indifferent he was – and when I got upset he told me there was “nothing to talk about anymore”, except trivial things which he had no problem discussing. It was the push/pull in a much more condensed timeframe. It hurt as it always does, but the pain didn’t last as long this time and now just a few hours later I am feeling fine. Two months ago I would have been in a state for days.

One of the things I did differently today was I called an old friend who works near my office and spent a half hour talking with him (we met in person). His warmth, concern, genuine heart really turned my day around. I didn’t even tell him what happened (my friends are tired of hearing it so I don’t tell them anymore!), but I felt a lot better, and while I was still upset, it was different.

It’s a process…I used to give myself the absolutes too (“I have to get out of this relationship”, etc.) and ultimately the only thing that really got me out of this is losing interest in the pattern. It just wears thin after awhile. It will wear thin to the point of indifference for you too.

And, if you can, taking a vacation helps too! :slight_smile:

#4

Did I loose interest in the pattern, No. Did I loose interest in the person, No. Did I loose interest in NPD, YES! Understanding the disorder is helping me let go of the person. I understand that because of the disorder I will never have a normal relationship with my Ex. We could get back together and years later he will push me away, screw some other woman and break my heart all over again. Except this time I might have kids!! It’s a hard pill to swallow. I understand that he’s an empty scared little boy still trying to work out his childhood issues. He doesn’t believe in love or hope his view of the world is dark and his saving grace is immediate gratification. It keeps the demons at bay.

I don’t mean to be tough on you but there is no WHY. Why do children get cancer? Why do good people die? Why is there no cure for aids? Life is not fair, bad things happen to good people. You got sucked into the Narcissists web and why not, it’s extremely appealing. Like dangling diamonds who wouldn’t reach out and grab one! You were tricked! He did not present a real self only a veneer he uses to hide the turmoil within. Every time you go back you will feel bad, he’s not capable of giving you what you need he can only take and take some more. He will take as long as you continue to give. He can’t help himself. The problem my love is within you. You must recognize and accept what you’re dealing with. You are not dealing with a man, you are dealing with NPD. When you understand NPD you will understand his actions however you will never be able to deal with the unpredictability. Take your focus off the man.

It’s okay to miss him, still love him, want him. Sometimes being with him is better than being alone. But like SMG says, you wouldn’t let a drug addict into your home to destroy everything you’ve built. Your body is your house your temple, don’t let NPD in to destroy what you have built.

#5

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, ladies. You all make sense when you say that one cannot make sense of this craziness and I need to stop trying. My logical brain wants, longs to understand it, but that is fruitless at this point. I see that now. I just want OUT… for the 20th time. I have learned that breaking up always occurs in a series of steps. It is never a one-time event, at least it hasn’t been that way for me. I get away, then go back… several times until the final break. I think I am to the point of the final break right now because I am having absolute physical symptoms (chest pains, waves of heat, stomach upset) when I think about even just talking to him about my feelings and frustrations. This is worse than being apart from him. And that makes it easier to make a break. This is the first time that I am having such anxiety when still attached to him. Usually this occurs when we are apart.

Mamolie, I did check out “A Soul Without Footprints” and found it quite illuminating. Thanks for that tip.

Confused, I like your idea of getting tired of the “pattern” and that is what I am feeling right now. I am sick and tired of being pulled back and forth!

Doubledee, you are so right that every time I go back, I feel worse. And the pain just compounds. If I can grab on to that and remember it when I am not with him, it will make the break that much easier.

#6

I really appriciate what youre saying mamolie and I think for most people its honestly true.

But with me I dont think it is 100% true…in part it is, his N traits have defo made it all far worse cos of his lack of real understanding/caring etc…but I also know I dont love him in a normal way…from the start it was far too intense , too obsessive almost…tho I never wanted him for me exclusively…

wow Im really soul searching here cos itd be so easy to just put all the ‘blame’ on him as hes got this problem…but I honestly dont think I helped. Its not easy to explain… sometimes I wonder how did I fall for someone so young at all? but then online its easy to forget a persons age even when you know it…a good thing about it is that were not prejudiced by someones age or how they look etc but in another way it blinds us maybe? I dont know…

Im defo not saying its all been my fault far from it…tho at times I feel it is …but I have to take responsibilty for my part…

hmmmmm what came first? the chicken or the egg… I really cant think when did I start to become more irrational? was it cos of how he was or was it in me anyway? just no clue now…

#7

Why?

wouldnt we all like to know…why did we meet these people…why are they how they are…why is it so impossible to let go when we know its the right thing to do … there are so many whys that we wish to have answered…but sadly none will be

i too find it excruciating that its all so confusing… the whole time I feel my emotions have been so mixed up. Everything has been complicated I feel im being pushed and pulled in two directions and its just so exhausting…

Lucia Im so sorry to read of your 2 losses…HUGS…it makes it all seem so much worse. Ive just found out my mum has an acute myeloid leukaemia ( my dad died of acute lymphoblastic leuk 9 years ago) and that made me feel worse that my friend is like he is and he cant see what hes doing and how he should treasure the ones who love him for ever not just for now…

I read the advice about not trying to not think about them and I think its one of the best bits of advice EVER…its so true the more you try not to the more u do. Same craving food when dieting…I once read when trying to let go to allow yourself time to think about the person twice a day at first for maybe 15 mins then over time try to decrease the time…by allowing yourself time to think about them you lose a lot of the desperation to think about them.

I know Im trying to keep very busy doing nice things , worth while things or just anything that keeps me busy…ok doesnt always stop me thinking but its defo a help.

I think in a way too its important to think about our N and whats happened to us…its part of us but constantly trying to make sence of it is pointless…I guess we have to accept it happened and they are as they are tho we may never know why…

I also like the idea of talking to a normal person as soon as possible after a bad encounter especially NOT about what happened or the N…we need to see normality and that there are people who really care…

Im still feeling slightly overwhelmed reading from so many of you who know how I feel/have felt etc…Im so glad I found this site…

I dont have contact atm but reading Lucia say she feels worse every time she goes back reminds me to how things were for me…in all our ups and downs the downs felt worse each time…I know I should stay away NOW…

I still find it so hard NOT to blame me tho…I know my love for him wasnt normal…I still cant even explain it to myself… so of course Im thinking wow its my fault etc…

I try to tell me NO…its sure hes got N traits at least…and thats nothing to do with me… maybe Ive not helped the situation, maybe if id been a normal friend things would have been a bit different but ultimately hes still as he is and would still have probably chewed me up and spat me out by now… his need for me has gone…so I can go…

#8

lonelyplace
What makes this so hard is your love for him was normal,trying to work on your relationship is normal, understanding there is something wrong with them, but caring enough to work through that, also normal, Problem not many people know about this disorder. Everything you did would have worked, had you been with a semi normal partner(not sure there are %100 normal people). So you are left trying to understand your part in it also. I have said this before, what would you change about your self, you loved and did everything normal to have a relationship, we just all came in contact with someone who has a serious personality disorder, that does not think and love like the rest of us. We can’t stop loving and caring, we just have to be very carefull and recognize an N when we see one.You were not at fault, this can happen to anyone who has a loving caring heart. Hugs mamolie

#9

Lonelyplace,
Everything you feel is normal,we have all been deeply hurt and in need of healing.Before i Found out about his NPD I was going crazy,i just could not understand how or why he would treat me this way.I was in a state of shock.When we met i let him know that i thought highly of myself and i sold myself as such,so when he began to devalue me i stood up to him and i said no,thinking that he would respect that,however he became angry and felt like i was disobedient and not submissive.
As i talked to various people about what had happened,i was told that he was acting like he was either,using drugs,bipolar or narcissistic.As i did research,i found that he was a NARCISSIST.I got some closure,but the pain persisted.I have since dedicated myself to learning and sharing as much as i can.
We cannot run away from our emotions,we have to deal with them head on.It is also important to recognise that this takes time.There is work to be done on our parts.
Healed1