hi everyone… want to start by saying thank you to all of you for your support and your posts. through our interaction i find healing and understanding but most importantly, i realize that it is not ME who is CRAZY! i recently discovered many disturbing things about my ex that have helped me to see him in a completely different light. I no longer hold on to the image of the man he pretended to be and see him for the very tormented individual he is. i have been informed of his constant infidelities through out our marriage (5 years) and have had the displeasure of learning that he is a frequent user of escort services and has homosexual tendencies. I have also realized the very disgusting and hideous fact that he was sexually molested by his step father and am led to believe that his mother gave him no support when he told her. it is as if a whole new dimension of reality has opened up and I am just blind sided-having a hard time getting my mind around it! i feel sympathy for his inner child and severe hate for his family while at the same time absolute disgust at the way i have allowed myself to be treated! all the signs were there yet I refused to see them. finally, i have faced the fact that i married my mother! all of this may have been too much for me had i not recently began taking zoloft and seeing a therapist. there are other things i have discovered but they are just facts, lies, incidents… that only reveal more of who HE truly is…every new discovery leaves me to see him more differently than the last. like peeling an onion, each layer … so disturbed and tormented. i do not want him back, this i know, and it does not really hurt any more. now i am just struggling with the “what is wrong with me” syndrome that these poor souls impregnate into our psyche. i will pray for him and and myself, but for his family… they are sooooo …aaaahhhhhh! that is all i can say to describe… the mother apparently knew that step dad was molesting her kids…(boys and girls) and STAYED!!!what is wrong with woman! i wish i could go back in time and beat her and him senseless. not jsut for me but for the child in all of her adult children- (5 all by different fathers) so much damage and the cycle will only continue as each of them raise their children. i just can’t believe that i NEVER really knew him at all. thanks for listening and GOD bless all of us. them as well.
I hear you and I feel your pain and the same emotions with different but similar circumstances. My is not as bad but I feel the sadness and symapthy for that inner child and I hate his family. You sound like an amazing person. I hate it when people say this to me but deep down it is true and I know it… you deserve the same.
I also really feel like we have the Mother in common. Mine was just here for the past few days and I realized that he is like her and they both are N’s and I need to cater to them.
why is this so hard?
why are we so insightful and so smart and can see the truth but have such a hard time following it?
You said it so perfectly, it is like a onion!
Can I ask what your therapist says? I love mine and she has been there for me but I also feel like sometimes she does not know what to say to me anymore… but she is this amazing person who has been a constant in my life for years and I could not get through this without her. I love her so much and she is so dear to me and has been her for me … and is helping me… but I would love to know what other therapists say to do.
i do not know what theology your therapist uses, mine however… is christian based. he is not a preacher. when i talk to him about N he is sympathetic and understanding. he helps me to see the real man and his reasons behind what he says and does. however, he then helps me to focus on my feelings and issues. okay…according to my therapist we all have two people inside of us. one tells us bad things about ourselves and the other tells us good things. (this is just a quick review) in a co-dependent- (us) we listen to the little voice that says " you can fix him,
you can change him, you can be his magical fairy to take all the hurt away" but we also have another inner voice that says…“you do not deserve this, get away… run” in a codependent the magical side is much strogner that the logical side. we listen to the magic in the hopes of changing someone else and ignore the logical side. my therapist is helping me to make the logical side STRONGER that the magical side. he does this by using passages from the bible. Ephasians 4: 22-24:
“that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man wich grows corrupt… and be renewed in the spirit of your mind and that you put on the new man wich was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness.” what this means is to put all the lies and deceit out of your mind and focus on what is true. that God wants us to live in the truth and not the polluted lies that our unhealthy selves tell us. i ususally take a few breathes, close my eyes and focus on what is truth. EX:
old self says…" you love him, fix him, change him"
i then take a few minutes, review the passage and quote what is TRUE! “no, I cannot fix him, change him, etc…” what ever my old self says i counter it with truth. sometimes it is harder than others. i also use a passage from Phillipians 4: 4-8 "Rejoice in the Lord always. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to GOD; and the peace of God wich surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts amd minds through Christ Jesus."
okay, so if this is too deep… I apologize. According to Christian theology, Jesus is representative of what is TRUTH. this passage basically says that when you are troubled or worried about something…pray. thank the Lord for whatever you are greatful for and then let him know what you are worried about. take the worry from yourself and give it to God. EX:
“Thank you Lord for providing this forum for us to share our troubled hearts and Lord i worry that my ex may never find peace. I know that I cannot fix him Lord so I offer this to you because only through you can he find truth.” in essence, i give my heartache and worries and sorrow to God and let HIM worrry about it! some days it is soooo much easier than others. some days i turn my back on the Lord all together and blame him for everything! but, he is forgiving and understanding and he ALWAYS takes me back. my therapist tells me that I cannot fix my N. he does not say that he cannot be helped, saved etc…he says that the success rate is minimal. he does not tell me that N cannot be helped just that I cannot help him. again, he keeps me in the truth. i do not know if this makes any sense to you and am unsure if it helped at all. what i do know is that when i started therapy i was blind to the fact that my husband was an N. i prayed for guidance and with each prayer, over time, i have discovered what is TRUE about my N and about myself. staying in what is true is not easy. it is easier to stick my head in the sand and live in denial. sometimes i wish i had never learned the truth. most times i am greatful for the truth because i can see that i may not have survived the marriage…literally! suicide was always a constant thought… of course it was me! but, one day after N left a friend took me to church and asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my savior. i said yes and i have never known such peace. over the last few weeks i have turned my back on the Lord, coincidently, i had been spenidng time with N! i did not want to stay in the truth…can’t have both! My therapist has had two sessions with N- both of us present- and in ONLY two hours was able to recognize what I could not see for 9 years! so, i have faith in him when he tells me that my N is an N and there is nothing that I can do about it. I read someone stating on this forum… can’t remember who…“Let Go and Let GOD!” i have repeated that to myself every day ever since! hope i have helped… i know it is hard to understand him and all the why’s … but maybe it would be better to start trying to understand ourselves.