does any one has a personal story living with NPD?
I just read your story and my heart goes out to you. I understand your confusion, pain and despair you are feeling. My daughter has had to turn her back on her N of 6 months, she felt she didn’t have a choice. She has two young children (not his) that could be removed from her custody if she didn’t. He has never become physical with her, thank God but the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad. At this time she can not talk to him, she is bitter, angry woman, he has changed her. The woman she used to be was fun loving, bubbly, and caring woman, she isn’t anymore. He brought out the worst in her. His family accepted their marriage only to disavow it less than 2 months later because of a minor misunderstanding, my daughter became the evil one when she did nothing wrong. He never saw how his family disrespected her, and he never will. His mother is always right, even when she is dead wrong, he defended Mom, not his wife. The vial insults he would say to her were so hurtful, but he seem to always act like it what he said should not have hurt her, but be damned if she said any hurtful things to him. He told us once that he lies because that is what he is used to, all his family lies, but yet my daughter is supposed to accept that is how he is. How do you live with someone that you can not believe any thing he says, that is as crazy as it gets. Man should be as good as his word, my father taught me that you should always live up to your word, unless it is just entirely out of your control. I believe this and raised my children to believe this. Don’t most people live by the belief that you should live up to your words? How else can you trust anyone otherwise? He has left her 3 times in 4 months, and then coming back begging for another chance. I guess he can’t find anyone to feed his N supply, my daughter is just empty, she and the rest of us have nothing left to give him. He has hurt two sweet children and has broken their hearts, and he wants another chance. He keeps texting her and yes even though she loves what she is hearing from him now, she doesn’t trust it…It is difficult for me to trust that she may not take him back, remember she does still love him, even though I am having trouble understanding why.
I am sorry for your pain, in your situation, you can disengage from your husband, but from your son, that will be alot more difficult, believe me I understand.
Thanks for reading my post.
Your daughter needs to read about NPD so that she can start to get her head around the reeling in and out that her b/f is doing.
She is lucky that the children are not his, VERY lucky.
I was with my h for 15 years with NO idea what the problem was, just did more and more to try to make him happy. They, of course have no idea that there is a problem, apart from the poor beggar (/s when there are kids) who worships at their alter, who, if he/she dares to put a step wrong/step away from the alter, will be punished.
leaving them is not easy as it is the ultimate crime against them. Its a long game, and one in which the no contact advice once the decision to end it is probably best, tho can be very difficult because of the reeling in and reeling out and all the games and manipulations which will be played out, many injustices, bad mouthing, scaremongering, you name it, there are NO rules, and ANYthing goes. And we LOVE them, but the person we love just does not exist, he/she is a fantasy, and that takes a LOt of getting your head round. These are abusers, plain and simple, and when they find someone worthy of their special blend of abuse they dont really want to loose them, we ARE special, and we turned ourselves over willingly, to worship at their alter.
Your daughter needs to read, and needs to understand what is happening to her. This understanding WILL help, and getting out is something you can only do when you are ready. Keep supporting her, keep reinforcing what he is, without making her feel like a failure, because HE will fight YOU too, he will fight you for her, be nice to him on the face of things, like they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. He is not cleverer than you, but the energy for battle that these people can muster is awesomely awsome. Battle is their life and a good battle is a fantastic sourse of N supply. Nothing beats it, and they will fight to the death, they will use ANYthing, and the tactics employed will blow you away - no rhyme nor reason, not even really tactics wither, just all out WAR.
Your daughter is lucky that you even understand something of what she is dealing with, so many of us cant even begin to explain what we are living with, because nobody sees what we do, nor is subjected to the treatments we recieve, and people just dont understand the subtleties of the abuse, and often think we are crazy.
xx
Thanks for replying to my story.
The reason I understand what she is dealing with so well, is because they lived in our home, I witnessed his N abuse, we were all subjected to it, most of the time her children were not around when it happened though. I thank God for that. Her oldest child does miss him and we can see the affects on the children because of his absence in their lives, he was very good with them, which I can’t make any sense out of that. He supposed to love them and my daughter but yet treated her so very badly.
We did recognize that things seem to be worse after he spent time with his mother, she is N as well. Once his N mother decided that my daughter was not good for her son, that is when things got worse. N mom lost control over son and she didn’t like it. My daughter at times felt like she was fighting an affair of sorts with his mother, she often told him that if he had cheated on her that she could fight, but against his mother she had no idea how to fight that. With that being said, after he left the last time, he has accused my daughter of cheating on him, which is just impossible and wrong. I have been married for 30 yrs and only married once, to her father, YOU DON’T EVER CHEAT IN A MARRIAGE, it is just wrong. She had no way to cheat, she barely went anywhere without me or him, but yet he accuses her of cheating with an old friend, which she hasn’t seen in over a year, her pastor, and her ex-husband. What makes this bad is that he sent this accusation in a text message, typed, read it, sent it, and he doesn’t understand why she is so angry. He never apologized for it either, wow that is a shocker. So who really was cheating in this marriage, makes a person wonder. He had more opporutunity than she did, he would make excuses as why he would come home late, when he came back after the second time, there was a quiet a bit of money missing from his account. They have separate bank accounts, smart move on her part.
Right now he is going crazy trying to figure out what she is doing, thinking, etc. He texts her several times a day, she does not reply, he calls my husband once a day, he does not answer his calls, he doesn’t try to call me, I won’t baby him or feel sorry for him. He doesn’t want to speak to me because I turn everything back on him. He left her, not once, not twice, but 3 times, in a very short time, I don’t have time or patience for his excuses and lies. I have come across people that have lied to me but I have never encountered a person that believes lying is a part of life and that is all he knows. I will never understand or believe that is true, it just sounds to easy an excuse to me.
Sorry to go on and on but I am having such a hard time getting past the fact that he was able to do this to my daughter and our family. Maybe I am a bit angry at myself. I feel like I should have stopped it, but just couldn’t get my daughter to see past the love she had for him. I am just baffled beyond belief, we are all smart, honest, kind, and caring people and I feel like we are being punished for being who we are.
i know exactly how that feels. my h and I had a great business which my parents funded, we did really well, because i was god at running the business and did so for 15 years. He is battling with me because nothing is enough. 50/50 is not enough. I cant even begin to tell the whole tale, it is all too ridiculous and bizarre, but suffice to say there is complete delusion and dissatisfaction on his part, he now works as a handy man, which surprises me because he is not even handy!! but he is battling me in the highest court in our country and feels like the victim always and will do forever. I took away his sweeties and his cushy life, and boy is he hard done to and boy will i PAY. Whatever!!
I think I am beginning to accept thtat he is the way he is, i have a daughter to worry about. i met another guy who messed me up and have had a lot to deal with. It is the most frustrating and upsetting experience to have been embroiled with these people, certainly that is my experience. Rant and rave all you want, it really has to be done. And there is no end to the surprises they can spring - accusations which are completely ridiculous - their imaginations are quite something, sad thing is that they believe ALL their own press. Nothing is ridiculous if they say it or do it. NOTHING, its like an incurable disease which does not undermine the strength of the person it affects. All their energy is spent feeding the disease, and any of yours that they can secure is used to feed the diseas also. Hideous!!
xx
Thanks for the reply.
The ridiculous we have dealt with and of course we still will until they divorce. I just thank God everyday they have no children together.
He left about a week and half ago and low and behold puts up a myspace page looking for a new realtionship (victim), my daughter was livid to say the least. He called him asking about this, big mistake, that is why he did it, he needed is Narcisstic Supply, and she gave it to him. After the horrible arguement, he sends her a text message, processing how much he loves her. It makes no sense to any of us, the worse she treats him the more he seems to want her, but then when he was with her treated like she was in his way, it doesn’t make sense at all. Of course everything in the conversation was about how much HE hurting, how bad HE felt, how much weight HE lost, etc. It was all about him, him, him. He could have cared less how her children were feeling, or the rest of us felt, it was the “poor me attitude”. Unfortunately the children do miss him, there is a void in their lives and don’t know why he left, they are too young to understand. You of course know that they will think it is their fault, when it isn’t, he is just a sick and twisted man.
I remember before he left the last time they had a great weekend my daughter was on cloud nine, and very happy and hyper, the woman I hadn’t seen in a long time and BOOM, he pulled the rug out from under her, and broke another promise, that is when she had decided she had had enough of his lies and crap.
She finally had enough and told him to stop calling and texting her, that she just wanted her freedom back to find someone else that would be better for herself and her children. I am assuming since she has not heard from him since he didn’t like the text message. He is definetely an N as long as she was yelling at him and arguing with him, he was still saying he loved her, that makes no logic sense to me.
Hopefully we won’t hear from him for awhile or at least til one of them files the divorce papers, only time will tell. Thanks for reading, I am just trying to figure things out in my head, because I can’t make much sense out of any of this.
since my last message on my story we have had a new development which puts the whole mess of my daughter’s so-called-marriage into a new light.
In my original story I wrote that they did not have children together, well that is going to change in about 8 months, she recently found out she is pregnant, with the N’s child. She was willing and I guess hoping he would do the right thing, WRONG, not even close. She called and told him, he knows but has made a couple of comments about her cheating on him while they were separated, she did no such thing, the child is his, it would be so much easier if it wasn’t but that isn’t the case. He made comments that she could get an abortion in a neigboring state, it is illegal in ours, she would never be able to do that, so now we go from here.
My daughter had not seen or spoke to her N for 3 weeks after he had left and was willing to give their marriage one last shot for the baby’s sake, but it didn’t go so well. I am sure no one that reads this will be surprised by that, he couldn’t supposedly handle so much as a shopping to trip to price things for the baby, that was too much for him to handle. He has a diagnosed Anxiety/Panic disorder with generalized depression, as well as bipolar tendencies. He alredy started the same mind games, he is looking for an out before he even got back in, he seems to show no interest in the new arrival, because of course that means the baby will get all her attention instead of him, and we all know that N can’t stand that. I honestly don’t beleive he will fight her in court over the child, he and his family have some pretty dark secrets he doesn’t want out in the open and that is what she will have to use to her advantage to keep him away from her and the baby. He has already told her that he wouldn’t fight her in court, he doesn’t want to waste money on an attorney. He doesn’t have any money supposedly, he drives an old truck and is now living with his Dad, they are sharing expenses. He works under the table and is on disability thru the state because of his Anxiety disorder. So he has no real money or assets to fight with, not that I think he cares about this baby at all anyway.
Of course if he wants to beleive the baby isn’t his, then there is nothing my daughter can do to change that, God knows she has tried many times to change his way of thinking, but couldn’t, so she knows better than to try to convince him differently. She does not have the time to deal with him now, she is just so done. His last ditch effort to turn things around and prove himself to his wife and family and he blew it, he blew it big time. She never wants him around her or her children, she is not going to let him hurt her children ever again. Remember the two older children are not his. I wonder how he will deal with the idea that he will never see his child or know anything about him or her, or how he will feel with later in life someone else might raise his child instead of him. Probably won’t matter much since he wants to believe the child isn’t his, it is easier to beleive that than the truth right, since all N’s do is lie, so the beleive everyone else is lying too, hence he has himself convinced the baby isn’t his. What an easy way out for him, must be nice to live in a fantasy world all the time, with no responsibilities.
I am going to have my last say with him, but not for him for me and my family. He will walk away once I am done and wish he had never met us, even though he always claims he is so hurt, blah, blah, blah. He turns his mood swings on like a faucet, just depends on who he can get to feel sorry for him, at the time, but I am all out of pity and understanding. This child is coming whether he wants it to or not.
All we can do now is pray things don’t get worse, I honestly don’t know how worse they can be at this point in time. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.
simply as i have been in your daughters position…i know its crazy,but these men have "two of them"one lovely that your daughter prob loves very musc …and one evil.b…d,who she probably wanted to leave…but to leave the bad one…you lose the good side too…it is so hard honestly.
I do agree with you partly…at this point in time, she hates him, he has accused her of cheating on him after he left, so easy to live in the world of denial. she has not nor was she raised to believe that cheating is okay. She is just so done with him and all his drama, lies and crap. She will have this child and love it unconditionally with no strings attached to him, if that is the way he wants it. He made his bed and he can now lay in it. My daughter does not want anything to do with him and his twisted N thinking. She knows the truth and she knows that God knows the truth, and in the end that is all that matters.
He is spouting some pretty harsh accusations about other people, little does he know that slander and defamation of character arent childish games, and there can be legal consequences for his actions. Let him move on and pretend his child does not exist, my daughter and ALL her children are better off without him and his twisted family. I am just so angry at him and his N mother for convincing him that his wife isn’t carrying his child, he has no idea what he is going to miss, but we can’t do anything about how they think, we all know what is true. I just don’t like be lied about, and him pretending to be the only hurt party in all this, so sick of the poor me attitude from a supposedly grown man. Let him live with his twisted N mother, she is as bad or worse than he is. I am just angry at all this crap and just needed to vent. Thanks for reading any input or support would be appreciated.
Hugs to everyone