Everyday i wonder what will become of me
I can’t imagine the simple joys of the future
Like getting married and having children
I don’t because i don’t know if i can find someone that would want to take part in these things with me in full knowledge of the way that i am
I wonder sometimes how many years i will live
and how many times in a year i wish not to live
i wonder why i was chosen for such of a fate of dispair
What had i or my ancestors done
I wonder when i can be normal and how i long so much to be
How i took all the moments of normality for granted from before
I wish to be invisible
Not by sight but by smell
I think of myself as having all the potential
And insurmountable obstacles
I know because of the way i am people fear on how long i will live
as if there is something so wrong with me that i should not live
I’m normal doctors tell me
But what are their clean bills of health in societies eyes
I fear even opening my mouth in a public place
as if the very stench of hell rises from deep inside me and radiates through the air
I work so hard
I try so hard
I try to pretend, you know
That things will get better because i make them better
I try to pretend i have the oppurtunities available to everyone
And i am the controller of my destiny
But in all honesty i’m not
I’m tired
Emotionally
Physically
Mentally
Even if i don’t get out of bed in the morning i’m exhausted
Exhausted of this life
Exhausted of pretending that i can be like everyone else
How i long to be like everyone else
My dreams of being normal to me is like the stuff you read in fairy tales
You know you wish for it but you know it’s only make believe
Why dream at all
When your dreams are unimaginable realities
When i think of what i will become
i think of eight years of not moving forward
and staying in this misery that i am
I have lost hope of things getting better
I just hope to get through the day
I hope the stares will not come
the whispers and laughs
I am a walking joke
a disgusting freak
i know thats what people think of me
but ill try to get through the day
cause what are my options
i live
death is no better
I live in make believe
forever wondering what will become of me?