Pushing people away

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Anger-

I was wondering if anyone else had this problem..  I'm not sure if I am pushing people away inadvertently, or if maybe my state of mind is just keeping them away.

I expect to be treated respectfully, and when I feel I am not, I pull back from a relationship.  I am not sure if I am/have attracted the wrong people in my life or have just approached relationships from the wrong perspective, but lately I seem to be more and more isolated.  I do have some friends and am always open to making new ones, but maybe I am giving off a lot of negative energy.  i know I've been really down lately.

One example: when i had a car accident 2 months ago, I called a friend to pick me up(it was 1am).  she did come.  I could barely walk that night and slowly got better over the next 2 weeks.   the accident was on a thursday.  she called on saturday and said she was going out.  I'm not sure why she called.  I didn't call her again for about 2 weeks and then she yelled at me for not calling.  I said that I could barely walk and I had been recovering.  I pretty much hadn't called because I didn't want to be asking for thing and I felt very needy at the time.  She just about yelled at me the whole time, so I did not call her back since. 

Another "friend" I saw recently when I was walking the dog.  I snapped at him when he asked me a question, because I was very down.  The dog ran in the road and then by the side of his car. (he had been driving when I saw him) I was calling the dog and very frustrated, and he ended up saying "I just better go" and he took off.  there I was chasing/calling the dog who did come back.  

A 3rd friend and I and another friend were out having wine a week ago.  We were in a well lit area with virtually no crime, but she was concerned about walking to her car.  I offered to go with her twice, but she said no, so I said okay, call me when you get to your car.  Well she did, but it was loud in the club and I forgot to take the phone out. She left me a really snotty message and when I got home an hour later, I called told her I had forgotten to take out the phone and I didn't deserve the snotty message, but also that the area was very safe.  We went back and forth and she hung up on me.  I called her yesterday and left a message to see how shes doing. 

So I haven't talked to anyof these people lately, is it me?

#2

Hi blackdog, i just don’t know.  I know that sometimes when I have been at my most needy (I hate feeling needy) things seem to happen that confirm my fears that I am on my own. Maybe it is the people we attract.  I think that aleast some of the time I get angry with people for not reading my mind and knowing that I need them.  I also think that I am quite good at seeing when people I know need me to force myself on them abit, but people don’t seem to be able to get that vibe from me, I scare people away when I’m down I think.  I suppose it’s all part of it, being mis-understood and feeling like a round peg in a square hole.  I have found that people with depression are very sensitive to other peoples needs and have alot of empathy, it’s very frustrating having to deal with perfectly nice people who just don’t have that talent. Be good to yourself, I’ll be thinking of you.

#3

Hi Blackdog and Plum,

I have to agree with Plum: we folks with these mood disorders are very sensitive and empathetic to others. We are also very sensitive to how others treat us. And we depend a whole lot more on what people do or don't do, than what they directly say.  We tend to think in terms of black and white "Oh, she's not calling me.  She must not like me anymore."

I know that I often forget that I'm not the center of everyone's universe.  I don't mean that in a nasty way -- we are sensitive, we do get upset when no one seems to "pick" up on the fact that we NEED someone to talk to. We need to remember that our friends have other lives that have nothing to do with us. 

And sometimes I think out friends are a little afraid of our need, of being sucked in too much.  I know what you're feeling. I once wrote in a journal entry "your need is so intense that you can't openly let it out.  But people see the emotion and back away, because it's too much to handle, to acknowledge". 

We are all in the same ocean, floating among the waves and rough water:

"Uncertainty is the sea we swim in. Watching out for the waves welling up behind. Holding on to one another as the seas get rough."

As in the above, I often quote myself, because when I'm on a high, I know I'm so da** clever.

In this place, Careplace, we hold on to one another when the seas get rough.

peace, Christine

p.s. Darn this editor sucks!

#4

Blackdog - I adore you, and please don't be upset, but my opinion is the friends you mentioned aren't worthy of you - in fact, I think they rather suck.  I am sorry to be so blatant - but I would never treat my friends the way you have been treated.

It's NOT you - that's my professional opinion.

I love you, girl, and don't blame you for backing off those ones.

#5

I do understand how you are feeling...i find myself doing the same thing...I think i do it more to my family and close friends...sometimes I just don't feel like being that perfect person who has it all together...sometimes i would just rather be alone and i  think it is probably better that way! 

I don't think you did anything wrong, things happen... it is really ok to take  a break sometimes...sometimes that is the healthier than trying to be the person you think others would want you to be...take some time for yourself...relax...things will get better!

#6

Personally I do believe it's the company we're keeping.  I've had the same issues and have just about alienated myself from my so-called friends (who are never around when you need them most) and family (who absolutely drive me nutso).  I find my life is so much better without them.  They caused me more stress than being helpful and heart-felt.  A lot of people just try to avoid people like us b/c they don't know 'how' to help and their world is all about themselves!  Like my mom, who truly doesn't know how to help anyone - not even herself.

The others are right.  We tend to be more sensitive to what others are saying and acting toward us AND reach out and truly care about others' feelings and illnesses.  It tends to be mostly one-sided - our side.  I don't really have the answer, but can only offer what I have done and feel pretty damn good about.  I just feel I'm better off without the added drama.

#7

Thanks for the feedback from all of you - so much.  It is good to hear all of the different perspectives. 

Thanks again Time for coming thru for me, you always do!!  (I hope work is still good for you).

I suppose we all have a percentage of a part of everything and its a lot of who has the greater % of helping, being needy, etc.  Some people have more needs that seem more valid and others are more needy with less valid needs - or so they may seem to some people.  Its all relative to where you are in your life. 

One of my friends is separated from her husband which is a big deal, but it has happened before and it just seems dramatic now. Although when I was getting divorced it was huge.  Now, neither seems like such a big deal, but they really both are.

Anyway, you guys are helping me to see and just making me feel better.  any more comments?  I'd love to hear... from anyone thanks so much....

Maybe part of this whole thing is growth and being able to move and grow and be stronger to reach out, And maybe to see what is really important---   

#8

You are a wonderful person...thats for sure!

I can only speak from personal experience and that is that often when im feeling let down by my friends, it's generally when Im feeling very vulnerable and looking for a bit more support (but of course I dont always know how to ask for it) AND because Im down on myself and more sensitive to the way others treat me.

Also, regarding the friend that took you home after the car accident - it sounds like she was truly worried about you. Her frustration at you for not calling was not the best reaction she could have picked, but perhaps it came from a good place?

Hugs,

Poppy x

#9

Hey blackdog...

We can't help our states of mind... and sometimes it chases people away.  Some people however, are chased away easier than others... some understand and some just don't.  I too have seemed to pick the people (NOT HERE) that don't understand... and now Im left with NO "real" friends.. 

All my friends are here... and I'd do about anything I could for any of them when I'm able.  When I 'm not.. I sit on the sidelines and send silent hugs and hope everyone knows I'm lingering.

Hope you get to feeling better soon... we all need a NICE vacation... a cruise perhaps.  Then we can all just stand on deck and 'SCREAM OUR HEART OUT'  to the fishies...