Why is it, there are no public discussions about this disorder on any national TV shows? Why have you never been invited to talk anywhere that would reach a national audiance? This is vital information that should be in your baby books on raising children, if you miss this stage of developement you will end up with a child that will never connect to anyone. It then ends up under the heading of domestic violence, but 90% of the American public does not understand emotional and verbal abuse.They are told to just leave, the core of the problem just moves on to another victim. Shelters and leaving are not the answer. No one is aware of the torture and torment that goes into custody battles because of this disorder. The courts and the general public are oblivious to this disorder and the victims, THE CHILDREN, are the ones who suffer. Why is this disorder a secret? Why is there so much confusion on the diagnoses with mental health professionals? They debate its cause, they have no treatment plan, while innocent, unsuspecting men, women and CHILDRE all over the world are suffering the consequences of it. An iformed and educated public would certainly make better choices for themselves and their children, and also the courts, had they known something like this existed. You have some notoriety, how does one call attention to this disorder, We are small in number on a few boards, but everyday many other do not have a name for the pain they and their children are suffering.You have an in to some shows, You have a book, You are the so called expert on this,why don’t you contact people, why don’t you call more attention to this. You read the stories of the people suffering through this, lets get this disorder out of the closet and get some real attention and debate going, or offer some suggestions to those of us that want to do something. Lets stop blaming the victims that found themselves caught up with a disordered person and deal with the problem, the disordered people amoung us. mamolie
Mr Vaknin,
We were all very fortunate to have found your extremely educational,informative and helpful sites.However,for some this has taken many many years of suffering.Most of all the innocent children who have to endure the pain and uncertainty caused when both the NPD parent as well as the victim are emotionally unavailable to give the quality parenting that he or she needs.
We,the survivors on this forum who are willing to pursue getting media attention to this disorder,are grateful for your awesome contributions and know that you are the man called to bring this to the forefront.I have a vision of you sitting with Oprah discussing NPD.This show will have ratings of the highest magnitude.
Sam Vaknin, I would like to express my gratitude to you for giving me an understanding of NPD.It has helped me in my healing process.Your knowledge and wisdom has put a name to my suffering and has brought all of us together on this site.We have been able to give and recieve comfort from each other and without you none of this would have ever happened so to you I say thank-you!I do however have to express to you something that’s very heavy upon my heart.All of us here on this site have endured tremendous pain because of NPD but nothing in comparison to that of our children.They are the ones who have no voice or protection.The people who hold the power to protect our children need to know about NPD and for that very reason is why I’m writing to you.We need you to take this a step further to reach the public.You can be the voice that will be heard and the light at the end of the tunnel for millions.The way I see it it’s a win-win situation.Oprah reaches millions in just one hour,she has a heart for abused women , men and especially children.Will you help us?We are counting on you,thank-you so much.
Mr. Vaknin,
I’m not an eloquent speaker like most of the posters here. All of the mothers here are asking you to be the voice for us and our children. Like someone else posted, our children don’t have a voice and need protecting. Won’t you please consider the great help you would be in bringing this issue to light?
Mr Vaknin,
The most famous ,full blown, narcissitic ,psychopathic, person everyone knows about, is in the news, O. J. Simpson. They will be talking for months, they call him narcissistic, but no one explains the disorder. You are the expert, you can explain his behavior and call attention to this disorder, now is the time, please help us, get to Oprah to talk about this devestating disorder that is a secret to many. You deserve the attention your book has helped so many of us, but too many do not know about this. How many lives have to be destroyed, how many children have to suffer? mamolie
I AM GOOD AT LETTER WRITING. SHALL WE WRITE OPRAH? I 100% AGREE WITH
YOU MAMOLIE. OJ WILL
BE THE “JUICE” OF NPD THAT WILL LET PEOPLE KNOW TO BE ON GUARD OF
PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO BE
ABOVE IT ALL. BECAUSE EVEN IF THEY HAVE MONEY, FAME OR FORTUNE, THEY
STILL ARE HUMAN BEINGS.
On Sep 17, 2007, at 12:31 PM, mamolie wrote:
Mr Vaknin,
This is your moment in History.You are the person most capable of addressing NPD.Your book is filled with extremely invaluable information;a sure New York Times best seller.Just close your eyes and picture it!!!
Mr. Vaknin;
We all here thank you for helping us understand this disorder. I think it is very important of others to know what this disorder is all about. You can help others underdstand what this disorder is and how it impacts others lives. Please help us inform others and let them know they are not crazy and that there is a word for what is happening to them. Many people that are willing to help us get the word out don’t know what this disorder is themselves. How do we let them know without your help? I know you feel others should know about this disorder or you would not have come out with such a helpful book. You have helped all of us here in this group why stop here? Lets get out there and help others.
Hello Mr. Vaknin
I’m so glad I had your book to guide me through the winding halls of Narcissim. I hope you can join us in our quest to bring this disorder to light. Many people would benefit, men, women and parents from learning more about Narcissim.
Your input on this forum is always appreciated.
Thank you!
Sam, I have to say that I had no idea what I was dealing with until I read the information on your website. For nine years, I did not know why things were the way they were in my relationship. Then your information opened my eyes and gave what I was going through a name. Since I started with your site, I have read so many other book, websites and shared stories with others that have gone through this. This information needs to be out in the mainstream and needs to be talked about in as many national forums that are willing to listen. This is a major issue and there are so many people living through this and they do not know what they are dealing with or they are trying to approach or resolve their relationship issues the wrong way with the wrong diagnosis and wrond information.
I am 46 years old and have been around the block a time or two and am aware of the ways of the world and yet I knew nothing about this until after 9 years of walking on egg shells and afraid to do or say something that would set her off. I didn’t know about this until my counselor mentioned the N word and I started looking it up on the web and found your extremely informative and helpful site. Others need to know more about this, otherwise, we will have to endure yet another generation of this extremely hurtful and cruel human disorder.
I hope you will assist with this.
Thanks.
I have read a lot of Sam’s stuff. What makes me so mad is that if he has so much insight, why can’t he help himself and help others recover? And stop this. Isn’t this created by environment? yes, OPRAH needs to have a show on this!!! I have written her before. I have never would air my dirty laundry on oprah but in this case, if I can save people I would. When you look at me you would never think I am the girl to put up with this stuff and I am stuck in hell. I am still sitting her going what it. What if I did this or said this. WHat if I did not rage. Why and how did this happen? I am so angry and it is frustrating and hurtful and I know every single person here understands and is going through this and as soon as I am out of my funk I intend to help others. Everyone has been so great and sending me messages and sharing and responding. It is helping me get through the day. I finally feel a little validation like I am not crazy. My therapist tells me that I am not crazy but I have known her forever. i hate feeling so helpless.
the more I think about it, I think my mom was a narcissist but so caring too. she had a Agoraphobia where she did not leave the house. I had to take care of everything the day I turned 16. I took care of her after my dad and brother left. I stayed with her and helped her learn how to drive and go to work and now she has had years of therapy and is doing quite well but cannot help me and cannot understand my problems and feels helpless and does not want to hear about them but I have to hear about hers. my mom is amazing and she adopted me and would sacrifice her life for me and I love her dearly but she is incapable of being there for me emotionally.
i crave that in people and all of my girlfriends are empathetic if not going through hard times like this too.
so if my girlfriends are not narcissistic why are my boyfriends?
i am sitting here in a condo that could be taken away, i can’t pay the mortage, i have no salary, starting a company on my 401 k. he has control over my website and email. won’t update it becasue I am crazy and I disgust him.
he is holding the fact I can’t make the payments over my head and I just wonder, is this going to get worse or will it stay the same? Or get better.
My ex boyfriend was a huge N and told me so all the time. He said the words and “I am more important”. No secret, either deal or leave. I ended up leaving after never leaving bed and being sick for months. Wanting to just end things forever. But I got the courage to leave. I did leave. When I left, he felt so bad for me, he sent me money and paid for a therapist that he suggested I go and see and I still see her to this day 6 or 7 years later.
I wonder, does life ever get easy and you just coast through being happy?
Or do I just need to accept it will always be hard and not get upset over it?
My needs are so simple. And I can’t even get those met.
here is an email that I wrote to my N and here is how he responded. 
I WROTE: Last night made it clear as to why you never responded to this. So, you had time to go to school, workout, sit in a sauna, go out to dinner, go to a football game, but this was not a priority. Thank you for responding to this email. Thank you for making it crystal clear that you don’t care and I am insignificant to you.
But just so you know, I will clarify what I said even though you did not ask.
pasted old email to him - wrote this and he never asked. He just said agreed. so i pasted this here to remind him what i am refering to:
I know what I need and what I want. And will share my needs and wants with you if you decide you want to know. I hope that you are the person that I can share my life with and grow with but if you are unable to be the type of partner I need then I will accept that and we need to come up with a parting strategy.
What I need and want:
• Someone who includes me in their life and not just something that is there when they feel like it
• Someone who takes responsibility for their actions, the good and the bad
• Someone who invites me out with their friends and family because I am a part of their life
• Someone who remembers a 1 year anniversary and does something special for it. Gives me a gift and celebrates it.
• Someone who wants to plan to get married and plan a future
• Someone who can do the work it takes to be in a relationship
N WROTE: These are outstanding goals, and I wish you all the best.
I think we need to put the condo on the market ASAP. I can help you move, etc. and I am also happy to help w/ your website. Just send me whatever you need.
hope…
In writing about your relationship with your mom you just described a phenomena referred to as the ‘parentified child’. Your mother may not be a full blown narcissist…but she is developmentally immature…too immature to parent you as needed, instead, you ended up parenting her. This kind of role reversal sets the stage for big time unhealthy co-dependence. Your mother is acting narcissistically when she clings to a stance of ‘learned helplessness’ and can’t even be present or supportive of you and your issues…but expects you to be supportive of hers. It probably just felt normal to you. Why do you have empathic girlfreinds, but your bf’s always seem narcissistic? I would venture the following explanations…first, it would be harder to find a narcissistic girlfriend, not that they aren’t out there, it’s just less common. However, you may subtely take on more responsbility than required even w/ your girlfreinds and just not realize it because it does not create the same level of chaos as the bf does. Also, even if you did have narcissitic girlfriends…your demands, expectations, and the level of intimacy required to sustain a romantic relationship or a marriage is vastly different from that of a friend. It’s is our LOVE relationships that bring up all our stuff really really big…not so much the friendships. If you were gay, you would probably have lots of great girlfreinds, and be puzzled as to why you keep falling in love only with the gals who YOU have to take care of and struggle with…how their needs are always more important than yours,how you work so hard but never really feel your needs are getting met in the relationship. We intuitively locate and fall in love with people that ‘mimic’ the way things were with are first love…and our first love is our parent(s). It is the role we are most comfortable with, it’s instinctual and often we do it with little or no awareness of what we are doing. This is why it’s so important to focus on YOU and not HIM…Think of him as a very loud wake up call from the universe trying to show you that YOU are important and YOU need to come first…the npd bf just brings up in almost cartoonish porportions how little we are actually taking care of ourselves and thinking about what WE NEED and honoring ourselves. You will keep repeating that pattern until you start working on yourself. I think of my bf as like one of those cartoon characters that hit the mouse over the head w/ the frying pan…what will it take before we wake up and see? Not getting your needs met is not getting your needs met. Abuse is abuse. Pain is pain. It doens’t matter if you call in npd or anger issues, or the peter pan syndrom or any fancy name you want to give it…if you are in pain, there is something wrong. Attend to yourself. How many times do we have to be hit over the head? A pattern was established in your childhood…start examining that…you should have had a mother that MOTHERED YOU…not the other way around. Grieve the loss, heal yourself, and learn to love yourself.
smg, the analogy you used is so funny becasue i thought to myself, maybe if I get him to hurt me more then I will be able to leave! LOL, why?
Thank you for every single word you wrote and you are totally right.
Do you feel like you have made it to that point?
Why can I not let go of the fact that I cannot stand this Sam guy!!! I feel like he is just making excuses! He has insight! Why can’t he help heal people and solve this instead of cater to the N’s???
SAM, if you are reading this, please answer yourself!
Celebrity narcissists
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq19.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal73.html
Take care.
Sam
----- Original Message -----
From: “bup” npd-cpt5928@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Question For Sam Vaknin
hope…
I don’t spend much time on the “s.v.” thing either…I prefer learning from sources who have a more ‘balanced’ approach when it comes to important things in life. This person can certainly speak to the worst case scenario, which apparently he represents and thus has first hand knowledge of (I guess) , but as we have I think come to understand on this forum, everyone is different, and I get weary of the horror stories. Focus on youself and trust your gut.