Rambling

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

i have been counting the days, and it would be three weeks on wednesday, but f…k it i am texting him tonight. no great purpose, but i guess 17 years of being up close and personal wi a npd’er just gets like a bad habit and i am not used to being at peace.

i had a business, dependant children and an amazing boyfirend ( who wasn’t lol) 4 months ago, and now am treading water in some strange place i do not recognise, i think that is wy i “played” wi sam, am not used to a life without antagonism, i have a void. I know what my ex hub is, and i know what my ex b/f is and i dont want to know what my daughter is, but I dont know what i am yet, I am floating in a void.

You all sound so sorted and in touch wi selves, and then theres sam, who knows everything and never changes his stuff, just adds more pages and more links. I follow his links and they dont portay it for me - tho they did wen i only had one N to think about. now i have 3, all so very different and it just does not work for me any more

where i live, we dont do therapists - and am sure i am not living as remotely as some, am not thick, but i cant write the way that people can and do. what do you do wen you cant get it out by words or art or poetry or thro therapy?

i am sorry i interacted with sam the other day if that pissed anyone off but hey, i poked and boy o boy did he go for me!! maybe i needed that!!

I dont know,

hey ho,

a good night to all xx

#2

Whew, Blitzen, perhaps Quakerism or Buddhism would be a nice fit for you. Simplicity and serenity.

I see life at every moment now. I can’t put my life in the hands of others. I think of myself first , not how the Narcissist “feels” about it. Because I know now, they feel nothing for me. And never will.

Cherish those who cherish you always. And then life gets more simple. If you cherish yourself first.

#3

I am sorry Blitzen. It is very sad to me. But perhaps sad is not in your vocabulary either.

I am appreciative to have the gamut of emotions, even though one emotion is pain.

I am sad for you GD, who ever you might be.

#4

Nick,

I feel sad reading your post.

I recall all the times I felt the draw to contact my exN over the last year even though I KNEW, I just KNEW he didnt love me, didnt care about my feelings, was perfectly happy to neglect me and abuse my trust and good faith…but I emailed him anyway with kind or anatagonizing words, or I picked up the phone to cry in his ear. It was awful.

It was all the more awful because as well as not having respect for myself reaching out to someone I knew wasnt worthy of my good faith, I of course…OF COURSE, would end up disappointed and more hurt because he didnt have time, or yelled at me in front of his new friends, or refused, outright refused to say anything kind or supportive despite my obvious pain. What I had done in making those calls or in sending those emails was offering myself up for more pain “please Sir, could I have some more?”

I know 3 weeks is not a long time unless youre suffering and then it seems like an eternity. And just hearing a familiar voice for a few minutes can change everything. I hope if you do that it wont turn out badly for you, but I fear it will.

If you would like to make a different choice but youre not sure what that would be, I’d like to recommend you reach out to other people who know you, support you and love you.

I found many times, it was good enough…no…it was better than good enough when I just called up one girlfriend after another and chatted about life, and their concerns and difficulties and triumphs.

It not only took the focus off of my own suffering, but it was contactful, it was making contact, reaching out to touch someone who was happy enough to touch me back.

I found one of the cornerstones of my recovery was after years of having been neglected, rejected, injured, deceived, betrayed, stolen from and abused, and DENIED contact by my exN for years while we were together…CONTACT from others who really DO care about me, was damn fine medicine.

I’m wishing you lots of luck and strength and peace tonight.

Take good care of yourself.

#5

You all sound so sorted and in touch wi selves

WOW!!

Then I must be a better liar than Sam is! chuckles

No kidding, if you knew half the stuff going on in my life now…no, actually, if you DID you wouldn’t believe it ANYWAY…

I live pretty remotely myself, and we CERTAINLY don’t do “therapists” in the Wicklow Mountains. Oh we have a few significant shrinks, but that’s more like having a son in the Priesthood, but for agnostics, than anything particularly useful…

I don’t think I ever really got it out through art, or words, or poetry…

Well I did with poetry till I left home aged 13…I think I only wrote two poems since then, in 2000 (and maybe one this year, would you believe, I honestly cannot remember??? Menopause and Asperger REALLY don’t mix well some days).

After my first elective adult run in with a real psychopath in 1980 and beginning the long haul of facing the reality that my own family is riddled with them, for years I tried to write the concept “psychopath” out of my system, coming to terms with the fact that most of the only family I have, and the type of people I grew up most familiar with, are effectively, not really human. Until 1997, when a switch flipped in my head and I managed to get inside the head of a real, 3d, warm blooded human being who wasn’t me. Since which my abortive efforts at creative writing have been escape and communication rather than catharsis - I’m just not good enough to make a career of it or driven enough to make an hobby of it.

I learned I could write music in 2000, but the things that came out through music were the benign aspects of my earlier life that had previously been thrown out with the bathwater…like the influences of steam, heavy engineering and “dark satanic mills”, as well as healthy cathersis, like a piece written for a four year old girl who died in a fire while sleeping over with the granny who couldn’t save her. It hurt to think of them all…

I haven’t written music for years, but since I quit smoking and my concentration changed, not sine and major life event.

I have tread water in strange places I do not recognise, many times in my life and may many times more…

I have a very dear old friend who is doing something similar right now…I don’t know why, I don’t ask…that’s not my job, my job is to love her and recognise how amazing she is, WHATEVER, no conditions…

I think that might be a good starting place for your attitude to yourself?

Cathartic Sam-prodding is a very, VERY healthy approach…I only wish more people would do it, more often…

The little sod is SO, sweetly, responsive and it is not like you would need to feel any guilt or anything if he squealed in pain…whatever, he deserves it at least thrice over, and besides, he enjoys it really.

:o)

And yes he thinks he knows everything, so he never learns anything to change anything anyway.

But oh my own life is so fecked up, tangled and convoluted it is unreal. I suppose the different these days is that it is no longer fecked up with damage, wounds and scar tissue…

It’s the “fecked up” of a room in the process of slow and painstaking renovation and recreation…

GD

#6

Nah Bup,

I think I’ll stick with my even simpler Atheism! :o)

Tell you a funny thing, never once, even as a baby, have I experienced what it is to be loved, cared about and cherished…

I have never, once in my whole life been in a position where it would be safe to put my life in anybody’s hands, so I never learned to do it. Trust is an alien concept that was never installed.

My response to that always tended to be trying to insure against others ever finding themselves in the same position (hmmm, as a vocation for a schizoid Aspie, “loving the world” maybe needed a little fine tuning? :o) ).
GD

#7

Of course I know what “sad” is Bup…

It was one of my constant companions for most of my life…along with fear and despair…

But the past few years, my NOW, is the best time of my life…there is sadness, yes…plenty, all over the place…and fear…but far more joy than both, and no despair at all.

Finally, after all the nightmares, all the different trips to hell and back courtesy of one predator or another (usually, but not always, blood relatives) I am finally free to breath and open my eyes, explore and discover the world around me and see what it has to offer me…

So that there is nothing in my life to be sad for now…

GD

#8

But I personally think sorrow and pain are large parts of life. Those who avoid it, unfortunately feel more of it in the long run. Perhaps that is where religion or belief steps in. That is why I think my father and brother have NPD. A protection mechanism against any form of pain. But the problem is, you deflect pain, and itwill absorb onto others. The need the chronic grandiosity chip to feel high and happy. Normal life brings them to a place that is too scary and sad.

#10

Maybe Bup,

You have hit in the essential difference between feeling real happiness, and just feeling “high”?

GD

#11

SAM, I didn’t know you were born in 1961. For some reason, I thought you were older, wiser. I guess that is because I am a codependent of narcissists…

Interesting that you are 46? I gave you all nobility and you are only 46… You are not old enough to be my father, but in my same “generation”…just a wee bit more bell-bottom experienced than I…

#12

Now there’s a funny thing Bup,

Because when Sam first showed up on the internet in October 1998 we were all convinced he was a degenerate little old man of about 90 until at least Christmas.

He sort of has that pompous “old man” way with him…

GD

#13

I am living proof that wisdom (or, rather, the lack of it) is NOT a function of age (smiling at bup).

Sam

PS:

Where did you found out my year of birth ???

#14

The Author Sam Vaknin was born in Israel in 1961. A financial consultant and columnist, he lived (and published) in 12 countries. He is a published and awarded author of short fiction and reference and an editor of mental health categories in various Web directories. This is his twelfth book.

#15

Yeah, well BUP,

That information wasn’t available in October 1998…

So we used to call him Dr Zorba the Yiddish Greek and picture him as the wizened old roue hanging out full of ouzo in some obscure corner of Greece playing a poor man’s version of John Fowles “Magus”…

Actually, in some ways, that MIGHT not have been such a bad guess after all?

GD

#16

I didnt do it!! i didnt make contact.

I took your advice pheonix and reached out elsewhere.

I am just angry with myself for screwing up another time and being led on a merry dance, and yes you are right - there is nothing to gain from contact - it CAN only be bad for me.

My daughter is winding me up- desperate to draw me in to drama that is not mine, she has fallen out with her fathers girlfriend and was demanding that i collect her “if i love her” i am trying to be strong and have succeeded so far, altho it has meant avoiding speaking with her this week, and being clear and concise by text regarding my position. It also involved minor contact with her father - always risky - to make sure she was safe (turned out she was at a party - not “living at the train station”)

To give you a bit of history, my daughter lived with me and loathed her father - i was weak and she liked life with me, until I got the b/f, and found some strength and stood up to her. She left during a fight one day, dadddy took her in without question or other side of the story, and i expected her back every day. Instead, I got the bombshell that they were all leaving the area - kept sectet from me. My ex hub had re-invented himself as super dad and has got a new g/f who lives with them, according to my daughter “he’s changed” and thats wy she can suddenly get along with him and live with him. He’s using her, she’s happy as long as things go her way! She says things like " if you dont do this or that for me - wy would i want to see you at christmas" then denies it or twists it - she knows deep down its wrong (i soooo hope) , and I will not be bullied.

But I constanly recognise her wanting the best of all things and thinking that she can get exactly what she wants because I got dumped by her and will be fawning after her and desperate for the scraps of her life. She really thought it was ok to expect me to go running for her.

Not a pleasant situation.

Anyways - feeling better today, and soon be a month of no contact with the ex b/f - maybe soon i stop counting the days - lol xx

#17

NickInstant

hiya.

It soiunds like a difficult situation all the way around.

The only thing I know with certainty is that children, small or grown, do well with one consistent thing from their parents…attention/love/affection.

They can live apart, be poor, sick and it wont matter as long as they know theyre loved.

I think if your daughter knows you love her, even if she wont admit it in anger, then she (and you) will survive a Christmas without one another should that be the way things work out. Indulgence isnt love…but care and attention are.

Good luck.

I think parent/child dynamics are sometimes the most difficult and the most important things we tend to.