The beginnig of the recovery process is when you become conscious of the fact that you have been abused by a narcissist and come to the realization that YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. The next step is to let go of your compulsive endeavors to ‘CURE’ the narcissist and give up your ‘HOPE’ that your partner will be miraculously changed into the LOVING, EMPATHITIC and CARING PERSON that you want him/her to be. You have most likley been trying to bring about this “DREAM” for a long time and it is not easy to come to the point of LETTING GO. The GOLDEN RULE is that if what you have been doing hasn’t achieved your goal, YOU NEED TO STOP DOING IT, THAT IS LOGICAL AND SENSIBLE. When you let go, you have to be prepared for the experience of GRIEVING. You have given everything you had and got nothing in return from the narcissist. Ideally for the sake of your mental health, it is important that you face your feelings of loss. Many peolpe avoid and retreat from the pain into various defensive positions, such as anger and rage which often results in living a life in a grievance compulsive activity, self destructive and substance addiction or depression. It is normal to feel anger and even rage when you realize and face what has happened to you. Then you grieve about the life you lived and the life you tried so hard to have with your partner, then facing, you can not have a LOVING,CARING, RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST EVER!!! It is imperative that you talk about your hurt and share the feelings you have about it so that your REALITY is confirmed.Some people will find your experience hard to believe because of the dual personalities that narcissists have, keep talking till you find someone to believe you. There are more support groups on line, like this one. You will find others who have had a similar experience and they will not only have some sense how you are feeling and an idea of the depth of your pain, but they will affirm the reality of your situation. Now you are at the point of a new beginning, a new phase of your life. You most probably feel DEPLETED and EMPTY from years of endeavoring to provide your narcissist with the energy that he has needed and stolen from you, in order to function in his/her every day life. The goal is for you to have a healthy love of yourself by claiming the LIFE FORCE with in you and regaining or embracing for the very first time, YOUR PASSION FOR LIVING. This implies that you have YOUR OWN MIND you will need to go through a process of deciding WHAT YOU BELIEVE about almost everything and deciding on a set of values that ARE YOUR OWN, NOT THOSE THAT HAVE BEEN THRUST AT YOU BY YOUR PARTNER. Take care that you do not accidently put yourself in positions in which you are vulnerable. Culitvate freindships with people who are emotionally healthy, those who genuinely affirm you. The test of whether a friendship is enriching for you is determined by how you feel after you have spent time with that person, If you feel drained and exhausted you have your answer. You may feel that you need a counselor or therapist. If you do be aware of your susceptability to being emotionally abused.Many therapists have narcissistic personality traits and you have been or are in a situation in which you are unaware of many of the subtle dynamics of the verbal and emotional abuse, you have been subjected to, there fore you may have difficulty recognizing it particularly if you are in a setting that claims to be caring. If you don’t feel you are getting any help, find another therapist, many are not aware of narcissists and the damage they do.
mamolie…seems like recovering is harder than dealing with my N. I’ve sought help from a counselor and so far, I see the things my N does and has done are not healthy, and I know my still wanting him is not healthy (still working on that) but I still can’t pull myself away from him. I know if he would just “drop off the face of the earth” I’d be devasted, but I’d grieve and get over it. Whereas now…he’s always there, out of reach, but there. I think the relationship is over, I grieve, I think I’m over him, then there he is again. I want him to go away, but at the same time, I crave him. Most of your posts say it’s them that are sick…I’m begining to think it’s me. I’ve been to the co-dependency sights, the narsiccist sights, I’m overloaded with info. I just want him to be normal and I’m having a hard time accepting the fact he never will be.
wondering, I don’t know how long your relationship was,but nothing is easy when dealing with a narcissist, the longer you were in it, the harder it is to get them out of your head and get on the road to recovering. I have been trying to figure out how they invade our minds and change our thinking about everything, we end up questioning our sanity and wondering who we are. I think that is what makes recovering so hard. They destroyed our hearts and minds, took everything they could from us bit by bit,slowly we did not realize that we were being robbed, till we were depleted of everything.Then you mix in the confusion of good times, appears to be human and bad, something not human. You think you will be able to get the good one if only you turn yourself inside out for him. You know there is that side of him, so he has you hooked and thinking you can get that good guy. You love that guy, you know he exists, he is connected with pleasure and good times. . Your focus and goal in life now, is all about him and you no longer are thinking about yourself and what you want out of the relationship. A narcissists is at war with the world. You became a prisoner in his private war, he brain washed and tortured you every day of the relationship. He told you what to think and feel and when he felt like it he rewarded you with some crumbs of kindness. We are so deprived of human contact from them that we eat up those scraps of kindness and crave our next meal from, they then have all the power over us, because we are staving for a human being to appreciate and love us back, but they can’t, they are at war, every day of their lives, taking prisoners. When it is over , dumped or trying to get away, you have survived an emotional holocaust, brain washed and tortured, and you wonder why you are having a hard time getting over it. You have to sift through the rubble and find pieces of your self, and try to remember who your were to even begin to put yourself back together. You try to think, what you did wrong, what more could I have done, how could you be so stupid, why would I put up with all that, why didn’t I leave, why an I having such a hard time moving on nothing but never ending questions trying to make some sense of it all, but it will never make sense. Then you are told you are codependent, you enabled him to abuse you, you loved too much, you have no self esteen to have let this happen to you, on top of it all you start feeling ashamed of your self for letting it happen. He blamed everything on you made you responsible for everything that happened, then you are basically told you brought it all on your self. Maybe there are some people who are codenpendent but it does not apply to everyone. It does not apply to prisoners taken in by a narcissists, but not many people understand or can imagine what we have gone through, so most of do not get the help or support we need to begin the journey to healing from it all. So as long as we question and try to make sense of it, we keep them in our heads, Some things in life do not or ever will make any sense at all,A narcissists is one of those things, They are from another planet, they come here for hearts and minds of the caring people on the planet, They need a never ending supply to live. A normal breakup or divoce is hard enough, but when you have been tortured and invaded by a narcissists, it is no easy task because you have to put yourself back together and remember who you were. You were a kind, loving , caring human being, with an outstanding capacity to love, they have none of that. They tried to suck you dry, but they lost, you may be suffering but your spirit to live is in there, start taking of it. Focus on you, you are worth it, Get on your knees and thank God, you did not stay in this relationship, you got a ticket out of hell, just don’t forget what it was like and how hard it was to get out, you never want to even visit that place again. Have you read " A SOUL WITH NO FOOTPRINTS", do a search with those words and read it. This women put our experience into the words that most of us can’t explain, it is a good read about how we feel and why we feel the way we do. I am here if you need to talk. Hugs mamolie
Mamolie,
I am just overwhelmed that you have captured my experience. You must have been living a parallel life.
I truly thought I was losing my grip until I found Sam’s website. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. It would take that long to summarize all the craziness that I have kept hidden from all but my mother and recently from a therapist I am seeing. My husband is a pathological narcissist in what I believe to be its most psychologically agressive form because he is extremely intelligent. I could only say this to someone who has experienced it. He has conned counselors, collegues, friends and family. He is charismatic and at one time, was very attractive, which made it easier. Now, as he gets older, he has become more agressive as it is harder to get his suppy.
We are both lawyers. I am general counsel for a corporation in a medium-sized southern town. He is a trial lawyer which gives him a forum for his self-proclaimed brilliance. This is the second marriage for both of us. I know that I need to leave him, but I just hate like h*ell to have another broken family. We both have older children from out first marriages. I have been through child support arguments, graduations and weddings with parents and step parents and I have seen the trauma to the children. My narcissistic husband and I together, have a beautiful 13 year old daughter, who adores her father, and a precious 11 year old son, who is neglected by my husband for the most part because he is viewed as competition for the husband’s supply or maybe it is just that husband is so busy obtaining the supply he neglects both. In fact, soon after our son was born, my husband began a two year affair with a 24 year old secretary in his office.
Suffice it to say, I have been through the ringer with this man. In 2002, on the heels of discovering his affair, I found out he has stopped paying our income taxes for the previous five years. I contacted the IRS and began the ardous process of dealing with the penalties, late fees and interest payments in getting the taxes paid. It cost a fortune. We finally caught up this year, but it was financially and emotionally devastating. That’s just one of many financial decisions he hid from me.
I could go on and on. Now he is convinced that the partners in his law firm are being obstructionists and conspiring to contain his brilliance by not implementing all his business ideas. So he is thinking about leaving the firm after 20 years.
I have tried for the whole marriage to make sense out of nonsense. I have worked and worked to “fix” him, doggedly determined to hold on to this fantasy of a dream marriage, clinging to that tiny handful of good times that fed my belief that life could be great with this man. As I look back, I see me working literally 24 hours a day to be what I thought he wanted and not having a clue how to pull it off.
If I dare say a critical word, which I have learned not to do, he very skillfully pushes buttons that get me angry. Then he says I am the problem because I go to anger and fear. He has been to enough counseling to use psycho lingo to convince me I was the bad actor. He is shaming if he has to be. He is a bully if he has to be. He is pitiful if the bullying doesn’t work. He has a thousand faces. He has lied so much that I can’t tell the truth from fiction. He twists facts to make me crazy. My mother has watched this play out for years and has begged me to leave. She fears he will cause me to go off the deep end. Naturally, he is critical of her because he knows she “gets” him.
As I write this, I think maybe I am nuts. I can’t even begin to describe what life with this man is like. His goal is to keep me off balance. And honestly, I don’t even know if he is aware of what he is doing or not. My mother says he is, but I am not so sure. In his world someone else is the author of all his problems and he has to create a world he can live in.
I stay for the kids, but his meanness has greatly escalated lately. He is hypercritical. I almost can’t speak without causing him to criticize what I said. My confidence is eroding. I am feeling more and more dependant on the escape a glass of wine provides at night when he is at his worst. He says that the criticism is healthy. He says that as a middle child, he always said what his mother wanted to hear to get her approval, so telling me all the things that I do wrong is a healthy and honest.
And apparently I do nothing right.
I didn’t mean to write so much, but I need to add a quick word about me. I am 52. I have a fantastic job that pays well. I could support myself and the kids-- but we have a very nice home and are socially connected which, if I am honest, I hate to give up. I know I would have to scale back drastically to live on my income. I also like living life as a couple. I am attractive, keep a clean, well appointed home and I paint in my spare time. It looks, by all outward appearances, like we are the perfect family.
We have many social friends who have absolutely no clue that there is a problem, as my husband is very charming in public. It sounds like I am making this all up as I write it. You would have to live it to know the work that goes into protecting this lie.
The hell of this man is beginning to outweigh hanging on to the lifestyle. But I still hate to divorce until the kids leave.
Mamolie, can I hang on for another 7 years til our son graduates from high school? Will I truly lose my mind? My counselor says just simply don’t engage in any way with him. That works for awhile, but how long can I do that? Do I refuse sex? He knows the family and lifestyle are hooks to keep me here. I am so so confused and crazy.
Hi Mamolie,
Have been reading your posts and I feel so acknowleged by your responses and your story. It feels so lonely to be in this marriage with My NH. Others just do not know what it is like. My abuse is so co-vert that even I have a hard time understanding how it is occurring. Thanks for your openess and willingness to help on this site. I wanted you to know that your words were exactly the kind of supportive statements that I need to hear. God bless you.
kellyj
kelley, I use to cry because I felt so lonely in my marriage. You know, I never in my life had that intimate relationship that most people experience in marriage. And I probably never will.
thought I would get this back to page one for Hope, photomens, and any one else new to the site. read it over and over. hugs mamolie
mamolie- it seems you have esp … every time i log on i read something from you and it is like you are in my head. thank you for your support and your words of encouragement and understanding. its been nearly one month since i had contact with N. he called last week ( the same day he filed his response to my divorce petition) but i did not call him back. not even when i got his response in the mail. i am sure he was expecting me to call, as i always do to try and reconnect- but i did not and have not. i dream of him every night, i cry over him every day, i mourn the loss (death) of the man i will love until the day i die. but… HE is not that man and no matter how painful it is and mind blowing it is I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND DIED MANY YEARS AGO! it is how i go on, it is how i cope. knowing that this person still exists rips through me… instead… I choose to let the man I love die. morbid? maybe. In a sense i kill him every day. every time I think about how much I miss this or that… i remind myself that even though we were both there, I was the only one who’s mind created an honest memeory. his memeory will be clouded and confused. he will remember being at a certain place at a certain time but chances are he does not remember WHO he was with. Me, another woman, a friend, whatever… so many times we have been places together and he will catch himself recalling we had been there before or seen a movie together only to realize it was not me he was with. people are just object to them so remembering a person is not important, what is important is their remembering the pleasure THEY experienced… painful for me … but effective. I have to murder the memeory of the man i thought i married by replacing him with the reality of the “person” he really is. every romantic intimate moment i remember- i have to recreate with the realization that he was not making love to me but to the memory of another woman, or the fantasy he saw in a magazine, or whatever messed up dillusion was really going on in his head. i’ve been angry, sad, depressed, and even suicidal. now i see that it is not me that i have to “fix” or even him really. what i have to do is relive every moment of my marriage and rewrite it as it should have been in reality. basically, i am killing the phantom in my head. eventually, and i can feel this, i will not love him anymore. it is so much easier now that i do not have to see him, talk to him, or drive by his house. some days are better than others but for the first time in 6 months i finally feel whole again adn as if there is hope and most importantly… I FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME! thanks for listening all. just wanted to share the first beginnings of joy… something i have not had in a very long time.
Thank you for reposting this!
So funny, I thought about making a grave site and having a funeral last night after my hours of crying. LOL.
Bruised, i read your post and your question at the end. I left 2 years ago and discovered a whole year later about NPD. That brought further confusion for a while, but I got over my husband and he is a stranger to me now. It was a long process, and i did mourn and grieve. We have kids, who are 14 and 16 now. We lived close to one another and had one child with each of us. When my daughter and I had a big arguement, he manipulated the situation and managed to take them both to live somewhere else behind my back and the past months have been hell as I have been pushed so far down the food chain that he is trying to keep them from seeing me at xmas.
I have been heard to say that on reflection, had i known what I was dealing with (NPD) i could have/should have stayed and managed my world better with my knowledge until my children were of an age where things could be better. Its easy to say when I am struggling with the realities of my present circumstances, but I know its not true. My life had I stayed would be deteriorating and i would be loosing myself more and more, it is a downward spiral, there is no up path, unless you leave, this is what I believe.
I cant tell you that leaving is the easy option, cos my god, its not. But i am on a road to recovery and wellness, depite many silly mistakes and screw ups and heartbreak. it has been hell, and continues to be in many ways - BUT NOT ALL. I cannot free my children of their father, nor save them from him, staying would not have done that. My children are here with me for mid term and I know that I can be me, despite their fathers place as ultimate boss, judge and jury, i can be me to them. And I keep telling myself that they are my children for ever, noit till they 16 or 18 or 21 - FOR EVER.
My heart goes out to you, its a whole world to walk away from, and walking is part one of a long and painful tricky process. It takes every ounce of your strength to stay with them, I understand what you are going through and what you are contemplating doing. Dont be rash, prepare yourself through the knowledge you have and the advice offered here. I wish I had this kind of knowledge and support wen I left.
xx
You sound like a lovely person. Keep on keeping on.
Lee