Relationship problems

[nowvoyager]

Am having serious problems with a relationship with a BP sufferer and am very fearful of the possible reaction if I end it. You see, I don’t think I can put up with the threats, the screaming and shouting, the emotional blackmail, the requests for large amounts of money, the fact that we cannot go out together in case of an episode, oh gosh, you name it I have had to put up with it.

My partner truly believes that this behaviour is something that I should be prepared to put up with if really love her: my goodness, I do love her, but the strains are becoming overwhelming and causing difficulties with my own familiy and friends.

It’s not about love: it’s about not being able to cope, and she just doesn’t see that. I am fearful that her reaction to an end to this relationship could result in actual harm to herself, or at least a descent into self-deprecating behaviour. Someone once told me that no one is responsible for how others may react to certain situations…but I do feel responsible.

I have even sunk as low as creating a list of pros and cons regarding this relationship - how awful is that?! Sadly, there are rather more cons than pros.

Ultimately, I guess I cannot risk falling back into step again and believing the promises that meds will be taken religiously and therapy sought on a regular basis: when these promises are not kept the anger, rage, and sometimes violence, is always directed straight at me: it is ALWAYS my fault, and I am left feeling abused and in emotional turmoil.

Someone, please, who has been on either side of this kind of situation: am I being a coward by backing away?

[emptysoul]

I don’t think you are being a coward by backing away…you have to take care of your own mental wellbeing! Your partner should be on medication for her own sake.

It is true that you cannot be responsible for how others react to certain situations.

Take care

Anne

[trapped]

I am so sorry you are having such issues with this person.You have to decide for yourself and protect yourself as well.It isn't always about the sick person.You can only do so much and enough is enough.You will become as sick as she is if you keep living with this person.You can't let her do that to you.These people have control problems.They actually think since they have such little control over themselves it is ok to control others.or once they regain control with meds it is a duty they make sure all others are doing what they want you to do. I have a husband who was married to a bipolar and she believes she can call him up any old time and invite him to dinner and manipulate what we do here even when we have their son here for a weekend she calls to see what deoderant he wants because she is at the store shopping.Our weekend gets canceled out because she needs him to do her yard and do his homework even when he was home the weekend before and the leaves were in the yard then. I do not see how anyone can be around this illness.I can't take it and it is his ex wife.Then I hear my husband say poor thing she is affraid of her son.He has had outburst of anger at her because she snoopes into his stuff and listens to his phone calls.He is trying to be a man and she won't let him. I am so sory but get out and find a way to be happy.It isn't your JOB to fix this womans problem.In my opinion it belongs to her parents who brought her into this world and the doctors who have to work with her.These people have to be made responsible for their own actions and stop blaming others for it. Hope all goes well.Leave now. --- On Thu, 12/6/07, nowvoyager wrote: From: nowvoyager Subject: [bipolar] relationship problems To: threefiftyzgirl@yahoo.com Date: Thursday, December 6, 2007, 10:52 AM

[tmk]

nowvoyager, sorry to hear of your troubles. i agree that if she is not willing to get the help she needs than i would move on as hard as that may be. this is ruining your life and stealing your happiness. you are not responsible and do not have to put up with that. i wish you well.

[ikesrecovery]

nowvoyager, i haven’t talked to you before, but just read your post.
I am bipolar myself, and am on medication.
Let me say something…YOU are NOT responsible for this person doing harm to themselves…or them sinking lower then lower!!!
Your only responsibity is YOU!
Since this person isn’t willing to take the nec. steps to help themselves, then it isn’t your responsibilty to stay there and die along side them.
It is SLOW suicide on your part to stay and try to make someones life better or good if they are not willing to help themselves to feel good. we can ONLY MAKE OURSELVES FEEL GOOOD! This may sound selfish, and it is sometimes, especially when someone is in a relationship like you are describing! This person isn’t doing good with YOU THERE! So how can you staying make their person any better?!!!
YOU can ONLY CHANGE YOU!!!
Let me give you an illustration:
You give this person a match, a flash light, and put him in a completely darkened room, with a light switch on the wall; and they only cry: “I’m afraid of the dark,” but don’t use the flashligh, the match, or try to find the swithch, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HELP THIS PERSON TO FIND THE LIGHT IN THE ROOM WITH OUT DOING IT FOR HIM!!! WE can NOT live someone’s life for them They have the same tools we have to “get that light turned on” and if they can’t access those tools, or listen to someone that knows where the tools are, then there isn’t any way you can help. this person is going to have to stay in that darkened room until they turn on the flashligh, or light the match, or turn on the lights.
love,
bip

[scubagirl]

Nowvoyager,

Like everyone in the forum has mentioned, it sounds like you need to let go of the guilt and let her go. Seeing as how you don’t want to leave her while she is in a bad state of mind, maybe you could make sure before you go, see to it that a parent/guardian/friend is aware of the situation and will be there for her. This may not be so much for her benefit (though it well could be) but more as a way to make you feel better about leaving.

Have you spoken with a counselor? She may be the one with the mood disorder, but it sounds like there are some co-dependancy issues. You were supposed to be her boyfriend, but now the job description sounds right on par with a caretaker. I’m guessing it’s a very poorly paid position! Before you leave, a visit to a counselor/psychologist/clergy member would be a great way to let out a lot of the pent up emotions and get a look at the bigger picture.

It sounds like you could be in physical danger. You are already vulnerable to her in so many other ways. What could be next? From your description, the risks far outweigh any benefits.

There is a clear consensus amongst all the responses from bipolar sufferers here: don’t stick around.

Take Care,

scubagirl

p.s. write anytime, and be sure to keep us posted

To: katypeterson@hotmail.com
From: bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com
Subject: [bipolar] relationship problems
Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 10:52:12 -0500

[nowvoyager]

Hi Scubagirl,

Thank you for the message.

She does have a network for friends and family in place, and access to
meds (if she takes them). I have recently been through a long period of
counselling, which did help enormously: I know I need more though!

I guess I may have some dependency issues…but when is it dependency
and when is it love? Maybe I need to be a little more honest with myself
and admit that I just cannot imagine being without her: love or
addiction? Hmmmmm.

You are right, I am a kind of carer, which is not a role I am equipped
for nor want: I already have a family to look after and be Mum to, I am
not looking for an extension of that role with another adult, as
charming as she may be at times. We are a gay couple by the way, at the
moment, anyway! Lol!

I have been threatened and physically hurt before, during violent
drink-filled episodes. The problem is, when she is not cycling or manic,
she’s fabulous, loving and kind. But I know, enough is enough: everybody
(on this forum and elsewhere) all agree that I should move on for my
own, and my kids’ sake. Ouch. The truth hurts but needs to be addressed.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it means a great deal to
me.

Take care,

Nowvoyager

-----Original Message-----
From: scubagirl [mailto:bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com]
Sent: 07 December 2007 04:32
To: Waller J.E.
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[nowvoyager]

Hi Bip,

Thank you so much for the reply.

No, I am not helping am I? How can I be? I am actually at the receiving
end of an awful lot of manipulation and emotional blackmail, as well as
the occasional thump. But the good parts always seem to stick more
firmly in my mind and heart. Daft, eh?

I need some certainty and peace in my life…time for me to be brave and
sort myself out.

Take care

Nowvoyager

-----Original Message-----
From: bip_moreorles [mailto:bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com]
Sent: 07 December 2007 00:28
To: Waller J.E.
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[nowvoyager]

Tmk,

Thank you for the reply.

She does take meds, but in the past this has only been for a few months
maximum, before she feels she doesn’t need them…then it all starts
over again. Thank you for your good wishes, I shall certainly try and
move on from here, hard as it may be.

Take care
Nowvoyager

-----Original Message-----
From: tmk [mailto:bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com]
Sent: 06 December 2007 17:29
To: Waller J.E.
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[nowvoyager]

Trapped,

Thanks for the message.

Yes, the control aspect is VERY familiar to me - it’s all very
manipulative.

My goodness, it must be awful for you, and so difficult I can imagine
for your husband too.

Much of your story sounds similar to some of my experiences: the needing
attention; constant phone calls and texts - followed by accusations and
abusive words if I don’t respond immediately; unrealistic demands on my
time; acting plausible and understanding, then BAM! All hell breaks
loose!

I know what I need to do: just got to find the backbone to do it.

My knowledge is somewhat limited, although I have done quite a lot of
research in BP, but I don’t think she can be “fixed” as she often
refuses to stick to taking her meds and refuses all other help.
Ultimately, she says the problem is not hers, but everyone elses for not
accepting her the way she is, AND, she wants me to take care of her and
her life. But I don’t think that is possible.

Take care,
Nowvoyager

-----Original Message-----
From: trapped [mailto:bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com]
Sent: 06 December 2007 16:54
To: Waller J.E.
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[nowvoyager]

Thank you Anne,

It’s not easy but at least I can take responsibility for myself and sort
out this mess.

Take care
Nowvoyager

-----Original Message-----
From: emptysoul [mailto:bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com]
Sent: 06 December 2007 16:42
To: Waller J.E.
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[ikesrecovery]

Hi nowvoyager,
I do know where you are coming from. I’ve been there done that, and ain’t doing it again.
But seriously, it is called codependancey, gay or not. It happens to the best.
When we are codependent we don’t take care of ourselves, we think the person we are with needs more care then we do, or they will leave us, or they won’t love us. This is codependent thinking. This is what alanon is for.
Actually I am trying to start up a group in cp for alanon, phoenix has also got one going. but we need a chat room where we all can chat and talk about alanon, but i don’t know where to go.
I am bipolar as well, and i know it is easy for us bp’s to go off our meds just because we start feeling better. I personally believe, it isn’t only the bipolar that causes us to think this way, but it is a lack of accepting step one of the either the AA, alanon, or EA (Emotions anonymous)programs, as the first step is: We are powerless over…in our case over our bipolar: unless we are on our meds. But we get cocky and think we can do without them, thus the “stinkin” behavior. All bp’s are usually sweet, loving, etc when on our meds; and even for a while without them; but either the bp behaviour comes back, or we abuse alcohol and drugs to self medicate. This makes it very difficult for us to live with our loved ones. It makes it very difficult for you too, for those that live with us. However, keep in mind, we are not happy with ourselves at this stage in the game, even though we may think we are. But as long as he is drinking, then leave! If he isn’t
willing to help himself with meds, AA, then there really isn’t any thing you can do for him. Think of the SERENITY PRAYER: GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
The difference, is whether it is you or them. YOu can’t change them, you can only change YOU!
love you,
bip

TOMORROWS RAINBOW
"THOSE WHO DESERVE TO BE LOVED THE LEAST, NEEDS IT THE MOST, and sometimes that means ourselves"

----- Original Message ----
From: nowvoyager bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com
To: ikesrecovery59@yahoo.com
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 3:52:54 AM
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems

[ikesrecovery]

Nowvoyager,
It is love when you don’t have to sacrifice your health and well being for the other person! It is the way you think about yourself, the other person in the relationship, not so much what you are doing or not doing. You will know you are getting well, and not being codependent by the way you respond to the other person.If you are different by the way you respond; being more responsible not only for yourself, but giving them the opportunity to be responsible for themselves, instead of blaming you for their actions.
Think of a young baby in a crib. IF the parents are not able to take care of that baby because they are high/drunk/or even lazy, that baby will die. Why? Because the parents aren’t taking care of themselves in the first place, so therefore they have no way to take care of that baby, and that baby dies, and they die little by little.
YOu too, my friend, is that parent, that has to take care of himself, in order to be able to take care of someone else appropriately! Loving them enough to grow and become responsible for themselves.
love,
bip

TOMORROWS RAINBOW
"THOSE WHO DESERVE TO BE LOVED THE LEAST, NEEDS IT THE MOST, and sometimes that means ourselves"

----- Original Message ----
From: nowvoyager bipolar-cpt7026@lists.careplace.com
To: ikesrecovery59@yahoo.com
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 3:41:42 AM
Subject: Re: [bipolar] relationship problems