So I was with a covert narcissist that went into schizophrenia for 3 years. He has been stalking me for five in total and his ex for 8 years.
He nearly cost me my life due to the stress sending me into an autoimmune episode that had me bedridden for 1,5 years and caused me to have heart failiure. The health care where I live is in a crisis and overloaded, thus wouldnt see me so I laied in bed and fought alone and he knew this. He sent me a message saying “Would you like to go out and party? Im having anxiety” In other words there was NO understanding of how sick I was and it was at the same time a mockery of my state because he never went anywhere with me otherwise, we hadnt been to a single place outside my apartment for these yearsexcept once when he uninvitedly joine dme and my friend on a night on the town where he left after an hour probably bc he didnt get any attention, having placed himself in a corner. I felt as if he was ashamed of me but later understood he was ashamed of himself.
Now to make you understand my point of view I’ll have to tell you about some things he did to me. He would do things like take my hands, sit all calmly (everything he did was calm, he never shouted or got up in gear) while looking into my eyes and telling me "Maradingo, I think you’re ugly. I think you’re ugly because… " and he would part my face into 5 categories and in detail tell me why they were ugly. Funny thing is he didnt mention the one thing I actually have a complex about, lol!
After that he would tell me how he loved his ex “I will always love that woman!” and how we should never have any physical contact again. After this he would get big eyes and watch me intensly like a kid on christmas eve waiting for a present. When I asked him why he was doing this, he said “To get a reaction!” I didnt know about narcissism then but learned about it later so I didnt understand why he acted this way but replied calmly with a smile “Okay…Well thats okay everybody cant feel an attraction for everybody so lets just be friends then” while swallowing my hurt and pretending like I was fine. On the inside I was crying in pure pain.
He then went into my bedroom and went to sleep just like any other night and I sat by my computer chatting with my friends as the hours passed. He came out three hours later and seemed confused wile asking “Why arent you in bed cuddling with me? Why are you still out here?” And thats when I understood something was very wrong with him. What he said now didnt go an hour later, it was always the same thing. “I like yellow flowers” —> 2 hours later “I never said that! I’ve always liked blue!” an hour after that “Blue? No I said orange!” It was complete confusion 100% of the timeand my brain was aching from trying to follow and understand what he meant wanted and was about.
So things like this went on for in total 3 years until I stopped opening the door for him after he raped me. You see he also as a classic narc, I suppose, refused me sex and when I finally lost my drive and I told him no, it angered him and he raped me very harshly. I wasnt physically hurt but emotionally…the damage’s still there. It honestly would have been nicer of him to just use me as a urinoar instead of that.
That did it for me and I never saw him again. It also helped when my friend told me to report him for emotional and verbal abuse and I after the rape actually did. I remember the police woman stood i nthe door after the questioning and before I went, laied her hand on my arm and said “You can NEVER see this guy again. If you do, next time you’re here you’ll sit here beaten black and blue”
I thought “if a police officer says this…She must have seen some things in her line of work…It’s gotta be pretty bad” And havent seen him since. She also called him and told him I had filed for a restraining order and explained to him what that was, bc I knew the prosecutor would close the case since in my country most cases of violence against women are closed, unless we are killed or so and even then the murderers often walk free. So she said “Yes , its possible so let me call him and shake him up a bit so he’ll leave you alone” She called me back afterwards and said he had gotten irritated with her so it seems he showed his true colours with her. She didnt think he would bother me again but boy was she wrong, he kept at it and its been 5 years now.
So now that you have the background story (And Im physically fine now, I recovered well actually) the problem is he comes by every 3-6 months ringing my door for a few minutes hoping I’ll open, which I havent bc I’ve been busy and wasnt expecting company.
However, my plan has been for a long time now to open and act all happy telling him I met someone and he lives in my building and we see each other all the time, basically living together. I know this will make him very sad because it means he lost his only supply outside work (he’s an incel) but…It can also come with risks. What if he comitts suicide? He is very depressed and his antipsychotics and antidepressants arent working. This is somehting I feel could push him over the edge but then again I’m angry enough to think "If he chooses death, is it really my responsability? I know that sounds extremely cold but after everything he’s put me through I am FURIOUS with him and cant get that rage out until I tell him.
I know I probably shouldnt do this because of the risks but… I really want to. I NEED to get back at him, I NEED revenge to be able to move on. Everyone I tell keeps denying me to even feel rage “Thats so inmature!” But it isnt, rage is a part of healing, it’s the stage before we stop caring so please don’t deny me that because I will be angry wheather people likes it or not.
The question is should I do this or keep ignoring? Ignoring has no effect, he still comes by and he even moved in across from my place a couple of months into the contact so he lives here aswell and I cant move so dont tell me to move either. I HAVE to deal with him one way or another and this is my plan.
What are your thoughts on this? He did drugs back then which he told me about 2 years into the contact because he knew I would dissaprove since I live a very healthy life withvitamin supplements and the gym because of my illness but he have supposedly stopped using drugs so theres that to consider aswell. He used ketamine, amphetamine, hasch, benzodiazepines (hope I spell this correctly, dont know the english terms) and alcohol and on top of this he stopped his antipsychotics and only uses the antidepressant who one day he claims has an effect, the next doesnt so I dont know if it helped. His mood is very unstable as I’ve explained before. One hour I got a slap across my cheek, the next a stroke as If I was the most valuable of jewels. He was completely unpredictable and I was so afraid of him my body shook around him so I really need to get rid of his attempts of contacting me again since its stressing me out by once and for all hurt him so badly he wont want to come back.