Hi. I also have multiple children with my N ex husband. When we were married, I was an at home mom for almost 10 years. My ex did not take much interest in the kids or school, or anything else for that matter. He could not even name one of each of the kids teachers prior to our divorce. We have been divorced for over seven years. He also has 50-50 custody. I was named as “primary custodial parent” which drives him INSANE. He suddenly became the dad who pretended to be interested in the kids and their schoolwork, teachers, etc. He attends all of the open houses, used to attend all of the practices. We went to a carwash fundraiser for my son for a group he is in at school. Guess who was there drying off the cars!! YEEEAAAHHH. Anyway…it is a part of the sickness to gain the adoration of people around them. I have finally got to the point where all of that work he does to try and be super dad…that is fine. Good for him. I do what I feel is necessary…and consistant with what I have always done…volunteer in the kids classes…help with their homework…go to their games and events, etc. I don’t kill myself to over-volunteer, etc. Yes…there are many people who think he is awesome, super dad, mr. wonderful, but I know the real him. If anyone asks about my situation…i tell them, otherwise, I let them think what they want.
My suggestion to you is that you be happy that he is involved…even if it is fake. so many people are surprised that our kids are products of a divorce, because they are so well adjusted. I attribute that to the fact that we are both involved in their lives. yes…he calls and texts them OFTEN. I believe it is to annoy me. I try to not let it bother me.
We both remarried last year and since then, his new wife (no kids) tries to pretend my kids are hers. If he could cut me completely out of their lives, he would. He has tried to prevent us from taking our last three family vacations and we have spent over $4000.00 in attorney’s fees just to have the judge tell him to knock it off. he has tried to undermine my authority by “rescuing” one of my sons when he got mad at me when I tried to hold him accountable for slacking off in school. he tried to use the police and justify his picking up my son. The police told him to bring our son back home (in our state, the police DO NOT get involved in custody disputes…fortunately, this policeman saw through what he was trying to do).
Also…when he has the kids…try to enjoy the time you have alone with your husband. My husband and I take frequent vacations and spend a lot of time …just the two of us.
When the kids come back home…make a HUGE effort to talk positively about their dad. Don’t put him down. When they get older…they will know who was truly there for them. My kids know that he is weird about them calling me to talk to me when at his house. They know to come to me when they need something…not him. They eventually see thru that. Be the best YOU can be and try to ignore the stupid, annoying things he does to try to irritate you.
I went thru years in court trying to show that he was not doing school work with the kids and causing problems, but the courts really did not care. They only cared that they were with both parents. My daughter told me the other day that she has three small school projects this year and one major one. She said that she will do the two small ones at “dad’s house” and wants to do the one remaining small one and the major one with me. THEY KNOW who is there for them.
I think you are correct to limit the time on the phone.
My ex was evicted a little bit after we got divorced. He told the kids that it was my fault he was evicted. I did not even live there. One of my sons believed these lies. It is tough to hear all of these lies about you…knowing the ex is totally manipulating and trying to gain sympathy at your expense. I remind myself all of the time that the kids will always love their mom. Just do your best and they will eventually see.
Yes, it is difficult to see your kids suffering, but they are resilient. They have a way of surviving. It is sad and difficult, lots of tears, but JUST DO YOUR BEST!!
As far as the projecting…I also kind of find this humorous. My ex does the same thing. It used to infuriate me, because I felt like, how can I defend myself against something I did not do?? Now…i realize everything he accuses me of, he is doing himself. I use it as insight into what he is doing or plotting. If he accuses me of something…I know, really, it is what he is doing. It is almost like being able to read minds or something.
I can tell you…it is horrible…watching your kids suffer. Keep in contact with the teachers. Most schools now use email, so it is pretty easy to talk to them on a regular basis. Volunteer when you can. Sometimes, the teacher sends stuff home for me to correct, when I cannot come in the class. You can build a good relationship with the teachers w/o having to be there every day. Once you establish that relationship, you can have the teacher contact you with any concerns, etc.
Anyway…I have been rambling on and on long enough. I need to get to bed. My best advise…lots and lots of prayer and a good sense of humor.
