So afraid

Hello all,

Some of you may remember my story. I went totally psychotic and ‘smashed’ my rented home up, I was sectioned and evicted. I loved my home so very much and felt ‘safe’ there…I still cannot come to terms with what I did.

Its 4 years since then and when I came out of hospital in 2004 and got my lovely dog back (my best friend)

I rented a small house in a ‘not so good area’…for all the wrong reasons I got involved with a guy who was ‘no good’ and things went crazy again. When I split with him he said he was going to take my dog. I became terrified and asked a friend to look after my dog (I was not looking after myself or my dog) my friend took my dog and lost her…my life ‘collapsed’ again and I ended up living on the streets. I believe at that time I was ‘psychotic’ again because the seriousness of living on the streets and the danger never seemed to ‘bother me’. I got involved with some very strange people and stayed at various ‘dodgy addresses’. I got badly beaten up twice…one time hospitalised overnight.

I was ‘locked’ in a flat by one man who was using my money. I was locked in there over the christmas of 2004 on my own with no food.

I gradually began to realise the ‘dangers’ and managed to get away from him…I use to spend nights sat in the police station foyer.

Another man let me stay at his house but he was a drinker and I was scared so I left to go into a night shelter (the majority of those there had either drug or alcohol problems) but they were ok with me. From there I went into a salvation army hostel (I had by then gone into a severe depression) for 6 months again many had drug/alcohol problems.

I was eventually give a flat in a supported housing project, so depressed and frightened…it was women only but some of them set fire alarms off in the early hours of the morning and ‘banged’ on your door in the middle of the night. The woman in the next flat murdered her girlfriend although not on the premises. I became suicidal, no point in living. I spent the days at my mothers…mainly laying on the couch and slept at the flat.

I now live with a friend until I can find somewhere…I am still so very depressed. I have severe osteo-arthritis and I am in constant pain…I never want to get washed or bother with myself.I spend days laying in bed. I smoke almost non stop and I am literally terrified of the future. My life is a mess and I am not ‘brave’ enough to end it.

I am due to have a scan on my stomach because it is enormous and one GP thinks it is just fat…but the other wants me to have a scan…if it is just fat I don’t know why I don’t eat that much!

I am terrified of living alone and things going wrong…terrified of being alone…where will I end up? what if people hurt me again?

I had a beautiful home before I destroyed it…I lost everything…photos of my children, keepsakes…everything!

I shake with fear and feel so annoyed with myself for not being ‘brave’.

I needed to try to express this. I am currently on an anti-depressant and a psychotic medication…but still feel ‘wobbly’.

My head hurts with all this and I never get a proper nights sleep…my friends says I shout out in my sleep and cry!

What can I do? I no longer have a life I have an existence.

Sweatheart, this situation sounds just awful.

I’m so sorry to hear that you can’t get yourself off the couch. Have you a good doctor? How about medication? It’s amazing how much you can get accomplished simply by finding a good, compassionate doctor. Some good therapy and medication may help you regain a desire to live, to find a sense of purpose. I can only speak for myself here, but I have woken up mornings to find myself wishing I weren’t alive anymore.

When that happens to me now, it is usually a sign that something’s off with the meds. I hope you can find a living situation that is comfortable and acceptable to you and that you can come to peace with your recent difficulties. We are here for you on this message board if you need to talk. Take care and please keep us posted on how you are doing.


keep with us all, i know the feeling of not wanting to exist and that breathing becomes a hard task, please keep in touch and a bit at a time even a centimeter you will move forward, stating the obvouis but there you go ! be safe and reach out - fizzy

I wouldn’t have believed I would find someone like me, but much of your story has happened to me. I had a psychotic break last year & tore up my house. My husband put me in the hospital, got a restraining order to prevent me from returning to the house, & filed for divorce. It took 10 months for the divorce to be over, & last spring I was hospitalized 3 more times.

I’ve been staying with a man who is a bad alcoholic, but last July I tore his house up too & went to jail. Now here I am back in the same negative environment & I have no place to go. I got behind in all of my bills last spring, & now it will take a full year to pay off credit card debt. I’m scared about living alone, as you mentioned, & I can’t afford to rent a place.

I plan on applying for low income housing after the first of the year when I have paid off traffic fines & can get my car repaired (my room-mate has been fixing the clutch for 2 months.) I have no furniture & no job. I worry about my future & am severely depressed. I’m taking lithium & trazadone for sleep. I almost always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

My dog was run over by a mac truck last May & I saw it happen. She was my world. I feel so empty without her but my room-mate doesn’t want an indoor pet & I can no longer afford dog food. Please tell me how you’re feeling now. Maybe we can swap stories since they’re very similar!


I so can feel what you are going through. I’m in a bad way at the moment very depressed. Waiting to see psychiatrist to get back on lithium.

I went to view an house, agreed to take it, put down a large deposit and then could not go through with it so lost the deposit.

I live at a friends and she does the shopping and most of the cooking because I’m just a mess.
Yes lets keep in touch I’m in the UK are you in the USA?

Take care

Hi Lori,

I was not ‘aware’ of what I was doing when I smashed up my home…was you? Its terrible that you went to prison…how long was you there for?

I’m 51 years old and feel crap that I can’t get myself together to live alone. My mum died on October 17th and it was the week after that I said I would rent the house…I think I was a little manic…like I said I lost the deposit on that.

Are you still living with the guy with a bad drink problem?

Please do keep in touch, its amazing that we ‘share’ so much!

Take care
Anne x

Hi Anne!

I wasn’t aware of what I was doing either. Bits & pieces come back to me, but I don’t know what caused it. It’s definitely psychosis, & while I’ve been okay off meds before, I can’t chance it again.

I’m so sorry about your mum. I’ll be 51 in January, too…& at this age I should have my life together & don’t. My parents live in the Northwest US & I live in the southeast. My daughter, who’s 30 lives in California & my step-son who’s 23 lives in the midwest. So I’m miles from family & it makes my depression worse.

I still live with the man who’s an alcoholic, because I can’t afford a place of my own right now & I’m not working. He buys the groceries & does most of the cooking, too. I want to get on a wait list for a low income apartment, but I have to wait to pay off some traffic fines & get my license back.

Sometimes I want to run back to Colorado where my son lives because his girlfriend is bi-polar, too & I’d just feel better there. But they have a small one bedroom apartment & I would feel like I was intruding.

I was in jail for about 2 months. My room-mate brought the charges of destruction of property against me, but he bonded me out of jail & paid to have the charges dropped. He realizes that I needed to be in a hospital, not jail. I’m trying to put that behind me now. Seems if I stay on the lithium I won’t go manic.

Then there’s menopause! I don’t know about you, but I seem to be going through it & that too is depressing.

I want to get my act together & start working again, but my license is suspended & my car is a piece of *! The room-mate is fixing it, but I don’t think it will last much longer. I have so much credit card debt, a student loan, car insurance, cell phone bill…I won’t be able to get another car unless I get a job, & I have so much anxiety about that it’s unbelievable!

You’re going back on lithium? Do you take anything else? I have to take trazadone to help me sleep. I’ve probably been on every kind of medication there is at some point in my life. Most of them don’t make me feel better. I’ve been off of everything before & did alright, but after about 2 1/2 years I became manic & delusional & all of that. Now I guess it’s going to be lithium for life because it’s terrifying to be that manic & I lived in my car at one point even. It’s shameful. Right now I feel stable as in not manic, but I have a hopeless feeling & sort of feel numb. I try to be patient about paying my fines, getting my license back, getting my car running, getting a job, & most of all getting a place of my own, but you know…it seems daunting.

Do you think you will be able to live alone again? I think if I don’t, I will lose my mind! My room-mate is just a friend, not a lover (although I think he believes something may come of that eventually.) But his alcoholisim sometimes gets scary because he gets mean. It’s not healthy for me to live here.

How did you meet your room-mate?

I’ve never been to the UK. You’re very far away from me, but I’m glad we can become friends. If nothing else we understand there are some times better than others with this disorder.

I hope we can both get & stay stable enough to get on with our lives. I think about how bad things are now & realize they’ve been worse in the past. Not much to do but pray for better times.


Hi Lori,

I also don’t remember much of my psychotic episodes…but parts come back to me and I hate the memories.

I am on effexor for depression and olanzapine an anti-psychotic…but I still feel so depressed. I am on the menopause also.

At my age I should be settled and secure, but due to this terrible illness I’m not. It makes me feel so upset that I lost my lovely home and there is nothing I can do about that.

My friend who I am living with I have known for 8 years and she also gets depression so understands me.

I will have to live alone again at some point…but after just losing a rather large part of my savings on the house I was going to take (I rushed it I think) I will have to save up some more money.
I have two sons 27 and 26 the 26 year old lives miles away but I see the 27 year old at least once a week. They both lived with me prior to my psychosis so they lost their home also and had to get flats. At least I am no longer on the streets…but I still feel lost.

I am so anxious about my life I feel so overwhelmed.

You say you want to get back to work but your license is suspended what license is that?

I pray that we both get out of this mess.

Take care
Anne x

Hi Anne,

It’s good that you are able to live with a female friend. I wish that was the case for me. My room-mate is Bipolar II & doesn’t take meds. He’s a functioning alcoholic, & by that I mean he’s able to maintain employment. He’s either very nice, caring, generous (leaving me feeling like I owe him something) or he’s agitated, closed-minded, opinionated. Sometimes I just want to move out & be by myself, even if I have to sleep on the floor (I don’t have any funiture of my own…lost it in my divorce.)

I went to see my counselor today & told her how severely depressed I’m becoming. I’m sure she could see it because I look tired & have been having a hard time getting up in the morning (even though I only sleep about 5 hours, I stay in bed & try to fall back asleep if possible.) I get to where I don’t want to wash my hair & put on only minimal makeup.

I cancelled my test/interview with the bank for tomorrow. I lost my driver’s license & when I went to get another one I was told it was suspended for not paying speeding fines & missed court fines. It was 3 tickets & they totaled a little over $1,000. My room-mate paid off one (& I’ve only been able to partially pay him back.) The 2nd one I can pay in December, & I won’t be able to pay the third until January. The thought of going back to work after almost 2 years of unemployment, & 4 manic episodes in the past year…that’s scaring me. If I were to have taken the bank job I’d have to get a ride from my room-mate every day & I’m feeling terrible about keeping him up (he works 10pm-7am & then has to sleep during the day) & I also have no sense of independence or freedom. Lack of transportation combined w/sleep problems & depression…it just wouldn’t be good for me to try to work until I have my car running, my driver’s license reissued, & even my own place to stay (his work hours & drinking mess with my sleep schedule.)

To an normal person (if there is such a thing!) I probably sound like I’m complaining or exaggerating. I’m not trying to find excuses not to work, but there are plenty of them! I’ve also outgrown my clothes due to the lithium & remeron I was taking. I don’t have a bunch of dresses or work clothes anyway & now nothing fits. It’s just fuel to my depression. (In spite of the meds causing weight gain, I plan on going back on the remeron because it helps me sleep better than the trazadone & I think it might help with my depression more. Problem is I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist 'till Jan. so I get worried because I know I’m sinking.

Are your sons helping you at all or are they angry? My 23 yr old step-son is a phone call away & understands better than most people that I have this disorder because his girlfriend is bi-polar. He’s a young adult & has enough financial worries of his own. I couldn’t even think of going back to stay with him unless I had some of my debts paid off. (His girlfriend is on an amphetimine stimulant for ADHD, lamictal to stabilize her moods, & ativan to help her sleep. She nonetheless is capable of working. Maybe being 22 instead of 50 is a little different!)

Have you worked in the past? Are you able to think about returning to work? It’s not like we’re lazy people & I know we can be creative! But I also know there are people like us that are unable to work & right now that’s where I’m at.

Thank God we aren’t living on the streets! I have been there, too. Not for very long, but last spring when I was manic I pretty much lived in my car. I don’t want to be that out of touch with reality again.

Have I “talked you ear off?” It’s just so nice to know that my mirror image (when it comes to chemical imbalances) is truly out there…somewhere in the UK! Take care, Anne!



I think I just wrote to you this morning but the message didn’t post. I’ll check back later & see if it posts. If not, I’ll have to re-write the whole thing, but I don’t mind. It’s nice to have a friend in you, & I enjoy writing to you! Take care,


Hi Lori,

I have also put on weight since being on my latest meds and now have few clothes that fit, that also adds to my depression when I look in the mirror its not me that I see (if that makes sense).
Like you I also get to not wanting to wash my hair or shower and I also try to ‘fall back to sleep’ thats all I want to do is sleep, I know it is because I don’t want to face the day and feel the pain of depression.

My eldest son is ok with me now, the youngest I think still feels ‘angry’ with me for what happened… although he does ring me occasionally.

I have not worked for many years due to my physical disability but I did use to do voluntary work before I went psychotic. I had a lovely life before and I find it so hard to accept that its gone.
I want to get back that feeling of security, I feel so insecure and I know that is because I do not have a ‘safe’ place of my own.

I also have no furniture and when I do get a place I will have to sort that out. The house I was just going to rent that I backed out of, I think I backed out because the thought of needing to start from scratch was so overwhelming. If I am finding it hard to just ‘get through the day’ how hard would it be to try and get an home together.

I have days when I don’t want to go out, here at my friends I can choose not to go out, but if I lived alone I would have to. I would have to go shopping and pay bills and some days I just can’t get out.
My CPN (community psychiatric nurse) is trying to get my deposit back from the landlord I was going to rent the house from…so fingers crossed! I have even started regretting not taking the house but had I signed for it, it was for 12 months and if I had not ‘coped’ I would have had to pay for 12 months, so I probably made the right decision, my decision making is very bad.
Its winter here and getting cold and I am never good this time of year so I will wait till the spring to find an house. Hopefully by then I’ll feel able to face the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I get very anxious and have what I call anxiety attacks, I shake and feel disorientated…its scary!

I think this illness is the worst because it changes us so much and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Take Care
Anne x

Hi Anne,

Last night I upped my dose of lithium (what I’m supposed to take) & still had that not wanting to get out of bed feeling. When I finally did get up & bathed & got dressed I felt so much better (but sometimes the lithium makes me feel nauseous & gives me a dull headache. That’s how I felt today.)

I sure hope your CPN can help you get back your deposit! I bet she does! I’ve had a doctor in the past who wrote a letter to the gov’t lender on my $70,000 student loans that were accumulated between college & law school & they dismissed the loan altogether! I still have about $14,000 in student loans that were from a private lender to pay back. I’ll be 65 before that’s paid off. I would like to go back to school one day, but find it so hard to concentrate. I too have a difficult time with decisions. It’s just so hard to think about how I will pay the bills I have already, without taking out more loans.

I have had panic attacks in public places, too. I’ve been unable to sit through a movie without going out for a cigarette. I especially don’t like to go shopping with my roommate for groceries or anything because it never fails that he runs into someone he knows & I am uncomfortable just standing there while they talk. I haven’t had the shakes in awhile (except a little from lithium.) Mostly it’s this uncontrollable urge to get outside when I’m around people.

I’m like you in that I don’t want to go anywhere, but on the other hand I find I want to be alone…live alone. I think it would be good to shop for myself again & cook things that don’t make me nauseous! I don’t know how I’ll afford rent, utilities, & groceries…but I really want to try. I get very scared about working again, but I know if I can get into a routine with it I should be alright. (I just think it may have to be a spring time thing for me, as you said about your house.) I don’t do well in the winter, but today is very sunny & it doesn’t get too cold until night time.

The thought of starting over is kind of exciting because I’ve been married (3 times) & now I will get to pick out foods I like & furniture…things just for me that I won’t worry about losing in a divorce. I have no idea how I’ll buy anything, but I suppose it will be a slow process. Do they have low-income housing there in the UK? They have it here & rent can be as low as $60/month. Of course you still have to pay utilities & internet service & that. But if I get 2 credit cards paid off by May, I should be able to swing it. That’s where the job comes in. If I can work just a part-time job, I should be able to have my own place. I look at my debts & realize that if I don’t work & just stay here, it will take me about a year to pay off all of my credit cards. That just doesn’t seem like progress. At least not fast enough for me, so the job is almost a must!

Well, I hope your day is going along okay. Try not to think so hard on the past. The future will hold better things for you, I’m sure. You aren’t psychotic now! You & I are sort of in a holding pattern…a little stuck, perhaps. But every now & then we have good days & hopefully there will be more of those in 2008!

Take Care,

I tore up a place we were renting. That was way back in '79. I was an addict and came home from the bar one night and my first wife told me she didn’t love me any more, so I told her to take our son and leave because I was going to wreck the place. It didn’t make me feel any better; made me feel kind of ashamed.

I was partly to blame for the second long relationship biting the dust. This one was rude though. She knew how to make someone hurt. After 14 years, 2 children she gave me the kids and told me she never really did love me.

A year after she left I was in the hospital with accute mania. I had God talking to me and He was showing me the coolest things in my head. After 57 days of hospitalization I was diagnosed as being bipolar.
The psychiatrist I see now said my mind went into another dimension where I experienced a higher consciousness. I was like that for about 8 months.

After the pills and injections brought me out of the dimension my mind was in I began to think…holy shit. My whole life was beginning to make sense. Bipolar explained the 35 years of drugs, the feeling of not fitting in with bunch of people. I even felt that way toward my own family, that i was not worthy to be around them.

Bipolar didn’t explain all the beatings I got from my Dad all the way up till I left home at 17.
My boys still live with me. They are 20 and 18. We are the best of friends, and I bet it’s partially because I never laid a hand on them all through their lives.

The things I don’t like about this disorder is the terrible downs, the nightmares I get from my night pills and sometimes feeling dead inside and a feeling of uselessness and stress.

Those damn pills had me eating so much I went up to 295 pounds, 2 years after being diagnosed. Shit; I couldn’t even bend over to put my boots on in the winter. It was weird, like I hardly noticed how big I was getting. 295 was when I said “that’s enough” and I put myself on a strict diet. In 10 months I had gone down to 235. Since then I’ve gone back up to 250.
Crap. That;s like 50 pounds more than I’ve ever weighed before I started to take the epival, zyprexa, valium, deseral, and effexor. and these damn pills mess you up. Try going without them for awhile. It’ll feel just like going through some kind of withdrawal. I got confused, paranoid, edgy; and that was when I dropped the epival and the zyprexa for about 3 months. I had suicidal thoughts a lot and violent thoughts, so I went back on the pills.

I know what you guys and gals are going through and trust me when I say 'I feel for ya."
Let’s all try to make it through to the end and fight this disorder as best we know how. My way is laughter. When i laugh I feel a weight come off me.
Feel what we all hope to feel; at peace with ourselves and the world around us.

Hi Anne,

That’s a pretty name by the way! “Ann” is my middle name & I always thought I’d have liked the name “Annie” but I suppose that’s a little juvenile for me at 51! (My birthday is in January & all I can think about is making it through my days here so I can put 2007 behind me.)

My little dog was only 3 yrs old. And she had surgery on one of her knees last year. That was when I was married to a much younger man who was a soldier & his income allowed for that. Now I couldn’t even afford the dog food anymore. I think when she died I was very psychotic and couldn’t care for her…certainly not trying to live in a car with her. She was my world though. My ex got her for me before he went to Iraq for a year & I did so well that year. Wasn’t even on meds. I think my life gets chaotic when I have too much stress on me (even being in a relationship isn’t always easy. I get paranoid that my partner is cheating or I feel too dependent on him for my well-being.) But as far as you having a dog or me…I really think that will be a help to us.

Don’t worry about your geography! I know nothing about the UK! My parents live over 3,000 miles from me. As much as I love them, I have a hard time being around them for very long because I smoke & my mum can’t stand smoke. She pestered my Dad to quit & he hasn’t smoked in probably 35 years! I always feel “weird” around my parents…as if I’m the problem child who never grew up. I just would like to be in a position where I could afford to fly to see them & like I’ve said before…I can’t even afford my own place just yet.

My daughter, Lyza, lives just as far away & since she has a new boyfriend & is trying to do free-lance graphic work…she seems to have too much going on in her own life. The past few years have been hard on her where our relationship is concerned. I think sometimes it’s best to give her a break from her mum! She’s 30 & so much more together than I am. I’ve been hospitalized in '03 for suicidal depression. Then this year when I got manic I think I was calling her a lot (& everyone I knew!) & I don’t think I made much sense. So I need to get stable & stay that way because I’ve made even my family tired of dealing with it.

Your days don’t seem much different from mine. All I do is get on the computer or read. I rarely am able to take a nap during the day because my mind seems to be jumpy & I get this strange anxiety in me. I think part of that is because I’m a little intimidated by my room-mate. He just went storming off to bed tonight at 7:30 & muttered something about being suicidal. I don’t think that’s the case, but when he gets angry (after drinking) he scares me. It eats at me & I think I’d be more safe on my own than if I live with someone who only drinks, works, & sleeps. It causes me so much inner turmoil. That’s my biggest anxiety.

So you know the pitfalls of lithium, too? Well, after reading your e-mails I sort of feel like I’d just better stick with the lithium. I don’t ever want to be psycho/maniac again! But you know what? I go through more depression than mania, too. I don’t think the lithium does much for that, but the doctor says I just have to enjoy life without the mania. Yes, I got alot more accomplished, until it got out of hand & then I wasn’t doing anything constructive…just destructive.

Cleaning? I sweep & mop the kitchen & my bathroom fairly regularly. I take out the trash & load the dishwasher, & do all of the laundry. If it were my own place I think I’d be a much tidier person. Something about having your own things around you. I don’t do that much here because it’s just not going to make a difference. I shouldn’t say that, but that’s how I feel.

I had Jack take me to the bank & a store today to get a money order for one of my traffic fines. We also got a few groceries in the town we live outside of. It’s 5 miles from the house, so I didn’t have that “I don’t want to do it” attitude. I’m one step closer to getting my driver’s license back!!! That is freedom for me (but that’s saying that Jack will finish working on my car & I sometimes think he’s afraid of the day I leave so he doesn’t want to finish the job.) My car is 15 yrs old & I’m going to need a newer one soon. I have no idea when I’ll be able to get one, but I have to make do with what I’ve got until then.

I live in an area of the US that is very sparsely populated. Not a whole lot of jobs & people are very poor. I long to go back to a city area where there are more jobs & the pay is better & I’m near familiar things. I moved to this state in '04 when my husband had to report to his 1st duty station. Now that the marriage is over I don’t really want to stay here, but in Colorado the wait list for housing is very long & I wouldn’t know who to stay with in the meantime. Last year, I dated a man & got all excited about moving in with him. Well, he didn’t smoke, he had 3 kids (youngest one was 2) & he worked 2 gov’t jobs. It didn’t take long to figure out I was just looking to be rescued from my current living circumstances & probably the wisest thing I can do now is realize I need to make my own way & be self-sufficient before I’ll make a good partner.

I still have some weight to lose, but I’m almost resigned to being at my current weight. It makes me feel lethargic though & I don’t like that. I guess it’s the price we pay to keep from being manic.

I hope the lithium doesn’t make your arthritis worse. I have bouts of arthritis, but nothing too terrible just yet. The worst of my problems now is just my mind (&menopause…I don’t think I’m getting used to that!)

You know, many people who have had a mental illness have gone into social work. I don’t know why that is, although I think perhaps we can understand the pain & stigma. I’d say for where we’ve been recently, it’s understandable that it will take some time to get back some sense of normalicy. I believe that we can do it, Anne! And so maybe one day down the road we will go back & get our Master’s in SW! I know it won’t be anytime soon, but we can dream (& encourage each other!)

Well, I don’t know what the time difference is there. I suppose you are sleeping. Enjoy your day with Ben & Emma!

Take Care,


Hi Lori,

We have council housing here owned by the government and rented out cheap it depends what they give you some of it is not very nice! Plus at the moment I am ‘banned’ because I went psychotic and also trashed a flat when I was locked in by the man whose flat it was so my CPN is fighting that for me, it may be that I can get a flat from them initially and then try to save enough to rent an house in a nicer area…we will see!
You sound positive about your future and that is a good thing. I think I’m still down from losing my mum I miss her so much…she was the one person I could really talk to and she loved me despite all that happened.
I try to stay positive but it is hard and I keep slipping back.
I am going to my sons on sunday to help move his girlfriends belongings to his flat…they are moving in together and I am very happy about that I did not like him being on his own…I want him to be happy and he is with Emma.
Do you smoke alot? I do I am terrible.
I found it hard to find your post I changed the setting to ‘newest post’ to find it so hope you find this one ok.
My friend who I live with use to breed pomeranians and has 3 bitches for pets…the eldest one got ‘caught’ by the yorkshire terrier next door and had a puppy on the 20th september my friend gave him to me and I call him peanut…he is very cute and will move with me when I finally get the courage to move.
I know what you mean about being out and people stopping to talk I also find that uncomfortable and don’t want to meet anyone who I use to know.
Its Saturday today and I will just laze around watching television and try to relax. It feels like ages since I could relax I always feel on edge. When I use to be on lithium I felt very well and hope for the same again. Just need to wait for appointment with pdoc.
I hope I do get some of the deposit back it feels unfair for him to keep it all.
We have a benefit called disability allowance here and I get that so my finances are ok even though I don’t work…I wish I could work though the days are so long. I use to work with young people I was a Youth Worker and loved my work but had to give it up due to my physical and mental health. I went to university when I was 40 and got a degree and then intended to do my masters but my mental health was not good and I ended up not doing it. I may try again in the future but not at the present time my concentration would not be good enough.
I continue to pray for us both and send you all my best wishes.

Take care



PS I am praying for you also Starpass

Hi Anne!

I got notified of your response at my private email address & so found that I need to set the forum for most recent. Thanks for telling me!

The housing here can be pretty bad, too…but I think I only want a place here in Georgia for about a year. I’d like to see if I can handle the living alone part & save some money to go back to Colorado where I have a friend & then my step-son, of course.

The gov’t has disability income here, too…but it’s not really enough to live on & pay bills with. I think it’s meant as an assistance, & people with disabilities are really encouraged to work. If I had to pay for rent, utilities, internet service, a phone, gas for the car, groceries & cigarettes…I don’t think I could do it. (Yes I smoke. I wish I didn’t, because the friend I live with doesn’t smoke & I have to go outside for that. You’d think it would make me cut down, but it hasn’t really.)

Your puppy sounds precious! My dog, Mojo, was run over by a truck & I still have a hard time falling asleep with her gone. I’d like to have another dog, but alot of places don’t let you when you’re renting, or they charge extra. I do have 2 cats & would like to take one with me…just because I think having to care for something outside of yourself is a good thing. Boo (my little white kitten) & Earl (the larger one) live outside on the screened in patio because my room-mate doesn’t want indoor pets. The sad thing is that means they have flees because Georgia is so humid. If I move out I think I’ll have to take Boo, the little female to a vet to get her fixed & to get some flea stuff for her. But with me she’ll be an indoor cat & that shouldn’t be a problem for long.

My room-mate is sleeping now. I guess he satyed up all night to keep his schedule straight. (He works 10pm-7am Mon-Thurs & 3pm-11:30pm Fridays.) I’m trying to stay quiet so as not to wake him, but this is hard to live like this. His hours sort of make mine “off.” Today I’m just relaxing, too…but eventually when Jack (my room-mate) gets up we’ll have to go buy a few groceries & cat food. We live about 10 miles from where he usually likes to shop, so it can be a pain. I’m used to having things nearby & here I don’t. It feels so isolated & I want to think positive, but mostly it just feels like I’m not making progress.

I’m almost out of my trazadone (which helps me sleep) & I have to call my counselor to get a refill. I was feeling so bad the other day that I asked to have my meds switched back to remeron (for sleep.) I think it works better as an anti-depressant & helps me sleep, but I gained 16 lbs between the remeron & lithium. I’ve lost 6 lbs just being off the remeron for a month & I don’t know what I want to do now. Lithium is not without it’s problems, either. I know you’re trying to get back on it. Sometimes the constant having to pee & the nausea get to me. I also get a terrible headache & I don’t know what that’s from. Have you ever tried lamictal? I guess I should just stick with the lithium, but I hate the weight gain & hair loss (plus my hair feels really coarse. Do you notice that?) I’ve read that lamictal helps with BP depression. I know that last spring my problem was mania, but I seem to go into depression much more so than mania. How about you?

I was thinking, I may not have furniture…but I do have a computer! Since that is more fun for me than t.v…at least I’ll have something to do if I move out!

So tomorrow you get to help Emma move in with your son? That will be nice! As I’ve said before…I sure do miss my son! He always made me smile & laugh & he’s quite a character!

I can’t imagine losing my mum or dad. They live on the west coast of the US so I haven’t seen them in years, but they send me a little extra money each month since I went through my divorce. I had to ask them for help, & I feel so bad, but without a job, my bills eat up all of my disability money. When I get real low I pray that I will get my act together soon so they will be proud of me before they die. (They are 75 & 76 yrs old.) I think I am too old to be asking them for assistance, & yet I don’t know how else to survive.

Well…I’ll close here for now & look forward to hearing from you later!

Take care!

P.S. What was your degree in? Mine was in Political Science & crminal justice, but that was 16 years ago for me. I think about getting my Master’s in Social Work (because my Criminal Justice credits were mostly social work) but I can’t scew my head on straight to figure out how I’d do it & I don’t want to accumulate more loans at the moment. Perhaps one day, like you(!) but not right now.

P.P.S. Hey Starpass! Where do you live? It’s good you joined our chat. Hang in there. Maybe a little med change would help us all!

Hi Lori,

So sad about your dog that must have been terrible for you. How old was she? I miss Pebbles (7 years old) my dog so much she was beautiful, I miss all her little characteristics. I just hope she found a loving home. Peanut my little boy dog is slowly finding a place in my heart though,he is a lovely little pest at the moment and occupies my time.

I also tend to have the depression more than the mania and often wish it was the reverse, at least in mania I get things done…sadly it quickly turns into psychosis and then I don’t know what I am doing.
I spent a lazy day but thats par for the course I do so little in the way of ‘normal’ living I hope I can live a ‘normal’ life again. My room-mate spends all her time on the computer or in bed and I spend my time watching TV or staring into space (sad but true). We have someone who cleans once a week…we go shares for that and to be honest the way I feel I doubt I would clean. I need to find a place of my own to want to look after. I use to be a proper homemaker but after so long without an home I feel I have lost that!

I did my degree in Applied Social Sciences…and was due to do my Masters in Social Work…don’t know if I will now I think they cut off funding here when you are 52 for Social Work! But never say never I may do another course or two when I am ‘sorted’ again!

It will be nice for you if you can take your little kitten with you…you are right having an animal to look after helps. Although, when I went psychotic last time I did not look after myself or Pebbles…I shudder to think what she must have felt like… a male friend took her and she ran away, bless her, like I said earlier I hope she found a good home.

I know the ‘pitfalls’ of lithium I have been on it before but stopped taking it on the advice of my then pdoc who thought it was making my arthritis worse…I think if I had stayed on it I would not have ‘smashed up’ my house. My mind felt clear on lithium…now it feels all messed up and not ‘stable’… It feels ‘jagged’.

10 miles to the shops!!! that does sound isolating…I use my friends car if I go out, but the shops are nearby. I need to get a car of my own before I move out because I cannot walk very far with my arthritis which seems to be getting worse. I think thats another reason why I backed out of renting the house…I would have been too far from the shops with no car. Hopefully by the spring I will have been back on the lithium long enough to make a difference and will do things in the right order!
My biggest fear is that I can’t cope alone and end up psychotic again so I will spend the next few months building up my support systems and getting the meds right.

Can you not get to see your parents? my geography is terrible and its probably a long way for you! Will you be nearer when you get to Colorado?
I’m sure your parents feel useful helping you out financially…my mum use to help me all she could…once a parent always a parent. Do you have contact with your daughter?
I’m looking forward to helping Ben (my son) and Emma tomorrow…they have gone out tonight for a Christmas meal with their work.

I wish I could lose the weight I have gained I feel enormous and it really bothers me and makes my knees more painful. So much to do so little energy!

Take care, Lori


Anne x

Hi Lori,

Well we did not get Emmas stuff moved because it was blowing a gale and raining hard so we will do it one night this week! I still went down and spent a few hours with them…which was nice.
I went on the world clock and I am 5 hrs in front of you so its 7.40 am here and should be 2.40am there!

I understand what you mean about your daughter…it must be hard for our families to cope and understand what is happening with us. My youngest son Andrew is, I feel, quite dismissive of me now…we use to be so close…but since I lost the house and he moved away with his girlfriend…we are no longer close…that hurts so much.

I don’t know about you but I am terrible at ‘looking back’ to the time when I was well and felt secure…I am trying not to because it does not help and only makes me feel worse!
I also understand what you mean about feeling ‘weird’ around your parents like a problem child that never grew up…I felt similar around my mum…she helped all she could, bless her, but I had lost my home and so lost my role of homemaker and it felt strange not having anywhere for her to visit me at. I use to be so independent and ‘in control’ when I had my own home and now I just let the hours slip by.

What are you doing for Christmas? I am going to Ben & Emmas on the Saturday before to exchange gifts, they are going to Emmas parents for Christmas…again because I no longer have my own home they cannot come to me. Hopefully, by next Christmas I will have an home and they may spend Christmas with me.

I have a welfare worker coming to visit me on Tuesday to see if they can help me get my life back on track…they help with housing,budgeting etc…it feels strange that I need their help…but I am hoping they can help me with housing,although not till the spring, I cannot face moving in the winter.

I can’t imagine having an home of my own again…I wonder where it will be and how I will cope and what I will do with my time. I cannot wait to get back on the lithium I want to feel ‘balanced’ again and if I can feel like I did last time I was on lithium…many of my worries will be solved. I am going to ring my CPN today and find out if my pdoc appointments been sorted out yet.

Its very cold here now and I hate the cold and winter makes me more depressed so I am not looking forward to the next few months.

I was wondering when I went psychotic I smashed the windows of my house…did you do that? I still can’t believe what I did or the horrible things I have gone through since!

Yes,it will take time for both of us to heal and maybe one day we will get our Masters in Social Work. When I do eventually get my own home again…I will have to do some type of course so I have a purpose and will do some type of voluntary work also.

Do you have any contact with your ex soldier husband? I take it he kept all the furniture etc…did you get your personal belongings back?

I was married for 14 years but have been divorced now for 15 years, I can’t imagine I will ever get married again or even have a relationship again…too much hassle!

Well I will close for now…hope you have a good day.

Take care
love Anne x

PS Hello bip glad we are helping you understand bipolar…hope all is well with you!

Hi emptysoul, weber, and all others in this converstation that I keep reading in my inbox,
I too am bipolar and on meds. I have had my moments of being “out there” but thankfully for the last 15 yrs. have been as stable as I can be. I’m what the doctor calls minor bipolar, but still bipolar.
Even though I haven’t been hospitalized, I’m not sure I wouldn’t of been if I had of had insurance, and would of gone to a therapist or pdoc like I “should” have done.

I’m on Welburtrin and Neurontin. Neither on makes for weight gain, but right now I’m not sleeping. Some, but not much. I drive taxi on days on Tues and Wed and nights on Fri and Sat. I love my job! However, bkz of the changing schedules, it interferes with sleep, what little sleep I do get.
But my biggest problem is not wanting to be around people on my days off. I want to vegetate/ which is good for me, sometimes, but not nice for friends and family. I don’t even answer the phone when I’m off, even when I do work. I know it isn’t bkz I work; bkz when I have worked before I haven’t had this problem.

I do have some health problems as well. I have Fibromyalgia and I hurt all the time. I can’t take the medication that would help, bkz I’m in chronic kidney failure, and have one kidney. I also have a bad back. I have DDD, degenerative disk disk, so I have two gone, one that is bulging, and in between my shoulder blades, they are calcifying, so that hurts all the time too. Then of course Arthur has to be here too.

I am not trying to sound depressive, and I’m sure I do, nor am I trying to feel sorry for myself, which I’m also it sounds like I am doing. But you know sometimes, it feels like the whole is against me when I’m hurting so much. I think my "home’ is the safest spot on earth!

I can really relate to those of you that don’t want to be alone, or not knowing for sure if you can be alone. I didn’t know this was part of the bipolar. I don’t like to be alone either. I’m married now, and have been for 20 yrs. This is my second marriage, so when I divorced him 21 yrs. ago, I found I didn’t like being alone either. I’ve had many fears about working, but was pushed into having to work.

I’ve been a CNA most of my life (nursing) and worked a lot of group homes, hospitals, and institutions. But I am burned out on helping people all the time. I don’t have the patience any more. I’ve also had many jobs in transportation, which I have liked the best. But I never thought I would be driving taxi. I started driving bus in '92, and have been driving since. It kind of gets under your skin. But it lends to my manic episodes.

In '85 when I divorced my ex-husband (he was abusive) I went into a manic episode that lasted 6 months, and I drank and now am a recovering alcoholic of 10 yrs. But the depression was the worse. I’ve tried suicide three times, and the third time was when I was diagnosed with bipolar.
My husb. is a recovering addict of 2 yrs., and that tells you the last 18 yrs. wasn’t the best, but certainly not the worse. But the last two yrs., have been wonderful for our marriage, and me. I used to be the bread winner, and the only one that paid bills, and enabled him in his drug career/but now, the tables have turned completely. He is on disability (his heart, triple bypass, stroke, which you can’t tell unless you knew him before and diabetic) and a small VA pension. He pays all the house bills, with some left over. I work so we can have money after the first of the month, at least a little extra after the bills are paid. I pay for my internet, and that is about it, unless there is an emerg. during the month, as I get paid every week. Plus, I feel better working, even though at times the bipolar makes it difficult to work without anxiety. If I’m off too long, I have anxiety about going back to work, not wanting to, but wanting to, it’s a weird feeling any way.

Any way, you guys, I have appreciated all of your conversations, and has helped me to understand more about my bipolar, as the books and therapists don’t tell you like it is, bkz they aren’t bipolar. So thank you for your encouragement!

Sorry this got SO LONG! But you know how it is with us bipolar, we tend to ramble on and on and on and on!!! lol


Hi Anne (& BIP if you read this!)

I’m having a hard time with my room-mate because he gets angry & sulky & drinks all day on the weekends. He’s sleeping now (I think) because he will return to work at 10pm. I just detest weekends because he gets so bad, but coming up on a work night for him is good for me! I will enjoy the quiet (when he’s awake he plays the same CD’s over & over on the stereo so loud! When he 1st brought me back to live here (I was in jail for those 2 months for trashing his house) I think he was on his best behavior for awhile. He didn’t drink so much & he was good about getting me to my appointments. Now he’s like a paranoid hermit & we don’t even talk too much because he sort of scares me & he yells a lot. I wrote to another lady on this site who is BP & she said I should get out & get to a shelter where they can help me. I just don’t want to do that until I’m ready to go out on my own.

The thought of a shelter scares me even more than being here. I don’t even have extra money for cigarettes right now & at least I know my clothes & kitten are here until I’m ready to get in my car & go. It’s not that I want to complain, for I have a warm bed & shelter & (when I can hold it down!) food! The paying off of my court fines & a hospital bill & all of those credit cards is staggering! I get it done now, but I couldn’t do it if I had to pay rent & utilities & get food & furniture. Yes, the ex soldier husband kept the house & all of the furniture. I got my vacuum, 2 oriental rugs my parents bought me when they lived in Japan, a microwave, some silverware, & a vanity & bench. He has a restraining order against me so that I can not contact him. When I was manic I trashed the house we lived in in Sept 2006. In July 2007 I did it to my room-mate’s house. So I should be happy that he let me come back, but I truly think my mind snapped from all the anxiety I have living here…not just going off my meds.

In other words, I have to stay on my meds religiously so I don’t get out of control & every now & then I get scared that the meds might not even be enough. I broke out a window once when I had lost my keys & had to get into the house. There was a time that I would go off & just drive hundreds of miles just to get away. Of course a lot of my credit card debt is because of those trips. When I would come back my clothes would be out of the dresser & closet & in my suitcases or in a big pile out in the carport. Basically every time I left I’d return to a situation where my things were tossed out. (The room-mate did this to his ex-wife 8 or 9 times, too.) So I know my stay here is tentative at best.

I don’t talk to my ex-husband because even though the restraining order is up, he would pursue charges (he has a new girlfriend & that’s another story!!!) I’d just rather not get involved just yet. I feel lonely & I know part of my depression is from the loss of a marriage & even the material possessions…but I just don’t know if I really want to be with a man now. It is a hassle! And my last husband was so young, he wanted someone young as well. I think I’ve been best on my own (when I was capable of working.) I still email 2 men from a dating site, but I’ve never met them & I think it’s better this way. Someone could rescue me…but that’s unlikely! Where I live is so far from a big city. I’m not getting out so I won’t meet anyone. I feel like I’m babysitting here as it is (& trying to hold onto my own sanity!)

Getting back to your question about smashing windows: I felt “trapped” here when I went ballistic! I took a hammer & smashed up a wall in my bedroom. Then I moved all of the furniture in the dining room & slashed the couch with a knife. I took the food from the refrigerator & threw it in the front yard. I wrote on the wall in the office (a sentence or 2 that makes no sense to me now.) I threw many of my clothes in a pile in the office (I think I was planning on switching bedrooms… closer to the front door because mine is at the end of a narrow hallway, directly across from my room-mate’s, & after I had broken out my bedroom window to get back in, my room-mate put plywood up over it & the room was claustrophobic by that point. Even switching my selection of bedroom’s was not something I should have done without asking this owner of the house!) I have to tell you it does shame me. I have given this man a $500 check from my parents to defer costs of damage. I also sewed the couch back up & you can’t even tell it was cut. I know what I did wasn’t right & I can’t believe I did it twice!

When it was my own home, the air conditioner was broken & I went to the attic where all of the duct work is & threw down all of the boxes in the attic so I could “fix” the problem! I also put all of my husband’s clothes in my suitcases & broke the screens off of the upstairs windows & threw some of his things outside. I went through some of his military papers & started burning them in the fireplace (I thought he wasn’t even in the Army!) I also burned a bunch of letters that we wrote to each other when he was in Iraq. He had me hospitalized & when I was discharged he left me on the front doorstep & said, “I have to think about things before I know what to do.” I didn’t have money (he had closed our joint account) & there wasn’t much in the fridge but frozen pizzas. He said I threw a beer bottle at him & told him I’d kill him if he returned. Back to the hospital I went & then when I was discharged the 2nd time I had to get a locksmith because he had the locks changed. THEN…I had the police come out & tell me he had a restraining order on me & I had to leave. The house was in his name only because although we both had bankruptcies, his was older than mine (& it would just have been harder to qualify for the loan…or so we were told! Personally, I think it’s a negative thing the US Army feeds their soldiers! They believe everything should be in the man’s name.) So anyway, I’ve done that manic stuff more than a time or two & I don’t like thinking about it either…especially when I know it’s not “me.” I am usually very caring & tidy when it comes to keeping a home nice. So we can stay on the mood-stabilizers & I don’t think it will happen again.

If I think about how my life was before…I know I’ve been more depressed than I am right now & I pray that won’t happen again. I guess I’ve always been a little manic & I would miss it except I realize now you can go over the edge into psychotic mania within a heartbeat.

I called my therapist & she said I could pick up my med refills. I mentioned it to Jack & he just gulped his beer & went back to bed. Good thing I have enough for tonight! I’ll have to set my clock & be up & ready when he gets home in the morning (before he starts drinking or needing to go to sleep.) This is the part about my illness that scares me! Not being able to pick up my meds without asking him for a ride. And I’m going back to Remeron instead of the Trazadone. It’ll probably make me gain back the 6 pounds I recently lost, but I don’t know what else to do! I need to sleep better as I was & I don’t want to sink into a bleaker depression. How long ago were you on lithium? I know what you mean, I’ve tried other mood stabilizers & lithium just works best.

Christmas I will probably just carry on as if it were another day. That’s sad, but my family isn’t here. I hope to be in Colorado next Christmas. Then I can see my son & his girlfriend Julianna. I may go live with a female friend of mine. I did that before & it didn’t work…but I’m more coherent & able to at least help her with housework & dinners now. I just don’t know!!! I’m scared that when I do move out my car will break down again & I’ll be stuck somewhere! I’m still debating about moving back there because it is so cold in the winter! It’s been in the 70’s here in Georgia. It will get down to the 20’s & 30’s by January & February. I just have a hard time dealing with the darkness, too. I think when I’m able to I will buy one of those SAD’s lights. An ex fiance of mine built one for me & it was wonderful! (Just another thing that got left behind in the many moves I had with this last husband. Every time I ended up in the hospital he sold MY car or gave my furniture away. I don’t ever want to live like that again!!!)

I’m sorry that it’s cold there. That does make it hard to deal with things! I have to smoke outside & that too is a hardship in the winter!! I’ve made it through winters with ease before…but most of the time & get to feeling down & I don’t like to be couped up.

The room-mate is stirring, so I suppose I shall be polite & chat with him or see if he’d like me to fix dinner.

Take Care Anne!