Some of you may remember my story. I went totally psychotic and ‘smashed’ my rented home up, I was sectioned and evicted. I loved my home so very much and felt ‘safe’ there…I still cannot come to terms with what I did.
Its 4 years since then and when I came out of hospital in 2004 and got my lovely dog back (my best friend)
I rented a small house in a ‘not so good area’…for all the wrong reasons I got involved with a guy who was ‘no good’ and things went crazy again. When I split with him he said he was going to take my dog. I became terrified and asked a friend to look after my dog (I was not looking after myself or my dog) my friend took my dog and lost her…my life ‘collapsed’ again and I ended up living on the streets. I believe at that time I was ‘psychotic’ again because the seriousness of living on the streets and the danger never seemed to ‘bother me’. I got involved with some very strange people and stayed at various ‘dodgy addresses’. I got badly beaten up twice…one time hospitalised overnight.
I was ‘locked’ in a flat by one man who was using my money. I was locked in there over the christmas of 2004 on my own with no food.
I gradually began to realise the ‘dangers’ and managed to get away from him…I use to spend nights sat in the police station foyer.
Another man let me stay at his house but he was a drinker and I was scared so I left to go into a night shelter (the majority of those there had either drug or alcohol problems) but they were ok with me. From there I went into a salvation army hostel (I had by then gone into a severe depression) for 6 months again many had drug/alcohol problems.
I was eventually give a flat in a supported housing project, so depressed and frightened…it was women only but some of them set fire alarms off in the early hours of the morning and ‘banged’ on your door in the middle of the night. The woman in the next flat murdered her girlfriend although not on the premises. I became suicidal, no point in living. I spent the days at my mothers…mainly laying on the couch and slept at the flat.
I now live with a friend until I can find somewhere…I am still so very depressed. I have severe osteo-arthritis and I am in constant pain…I never want to get washed or bother with myself.I spend days laying in bed. I smoke almost non stop and I am literally terrified of the future. My life is a mess and I am not ‘brave’ enough to end it.
I am due to have a scan on my stomach because it is enormous and one GP thinks it is just fat…but the other wants me to have a scan…if it is just fat I don’t know why I don’t eat that much!
I am terrified of living alone and things going wrong…terrified of being alone…where will I end up? what if people hurt me again?
I had a beautiful home before I destroyed it…I lost everything…photos of my children, keepsakes…everything!
I shake with fear and feel so annoyed with myself for not being ‘brave’.
I needed to try to express this. I am currently on an anti-depressant and a psychotic medication…but still feel ‘wobbly’.
My head hurts with all this and I never get a proper nights sleep…my friends says I shout out in my sleep and cry!
What can I do? I no longer have a life I have an existence.