Hello,
Does anyone have any advice for a woman who has a husband with Asperger’s? He has not been diagnosed by a doctor, but after doing a lot of research after my son was diagnosed with autism, it sure explains a lot. I don’t know what to do, how to make our lives together more connected. I feel so alone, even when he’s around. Can anyone relate or have any insight to share?
Dear Cma,
I am a husband with ASD. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I know that my wife finds it very hard putting up with me at times.
If you are lucky then both your husband and your son will be responsive to dietary changes.
See the link below:
http://www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info/factsheets/Factautism.htm
My wife and I thought that I had some kind of dyslexia when we first sought help for me. I would drive her crazy by putting things back the wrong way every time and not realise it!
Once I was diagnosed (that was a shock!) we did some reading on the topic of ASD’s and we heard about foods having link with behaviour and ASD and started experimenting with removing foods from my diet. We are both scientists so that helped us to sort through the information out there. You have to be very systematic about how you find out what foods are a problem. The websites below will help to guide you in this:
http://www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info/failsafe.htm
http://www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info/information/references.htm
We took out milk and gluten first. You would not believe the difference in my ability to think more clearly. I had horrible withdrawal symptoms like coming off a very addicitive drug.
See this link for more information about food intolerance. The site is run by an Australian researcher who works with a hospital in Sydney. She has written some very good books with lots of tips and recipes to help you.
http://www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info/
I have to say that diagnosis and food changes save our marriage. I thought I was going crazy because I just couldn’t control my mood swings and paranoia, irritability and severe depression. I hated myself because I just coudn’t stop arguing and fighting all the time over the stupidest things. I was in a constant state of fear and anxiety and I was afraid of what I was going to do or say next.
Turns out that this could be corrected with a combination of food changes and medication. I take Lexapro, an antidepressant which is quite common for ASD’s. No side effects at all (note that different people may need different antidepressant medications and you may have to try several until you find one that works for you). The antidepressant helped with underlying depression but the food changes made the biggest difference. If I eat the wrong food now by accident I still have the same reactions I used to.
Also, some research has been done into the role of sulfate metabolism in Autism:
I have been in contact with other people who have sulfate metabolism problems and many have food intolerance issues.
Epsom salts baths and bicarbonate baths help to reduce reactions/tantrums when they are occurring and in some cases prevent them from ocurring. Have a look at the articles at the LHS of the page on this site.
I am now much more myself and we are much happier. I think that my wife is much happier too because she is living with more of a human being. Even though I know I will always have the ASD strangeness and obsessiveness I now think that I am more affectionate and caring towards my wife.
Don’t give up. There are treatments that can help.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.
Yours Sincerely
Kingfan
Dear Cma,
In regards to your husband’s diagnosis. That is not essential but maybe you could try putting the whole family onto the new diet if you think it is worth trying and see how it goes. Takes time to get used to but it is worth it in the end.
Regards
Kingfan
Hi, Cma -
I am at the beginning, middle or end of a relationship with a man who has AS traits. He’s never been diagnosed. He says he does not have AS and is actually very high functioning, with lots of accomplishments & goals.
We recently had a falling out over an email that didn’t get to him and he assumed the worst of me, sent a hurting email to me, and does not acknowledge the situation or apologize. I’m using this as an excuse to distance myself from him for a while.
I’m a widow from a very loving marriage and I am not sure I can live without the displays of affection. It has been hard for me to “feel loved” and when I ask him if he loves me, he says, ask me in 20 years.
Socially, he functions, sort of. He chairs some committees but apears stiff and uncomfortable. The members accept him the way he is - good for them! And they prompt him when an action is needed. At first he interacted with my adult children on holidays, but has resisted that lately.
My friends and family are urging me to end the relationship. They do not see the wonderful, intelligent, fun person I see. I enjoy being with him, but would like to have more, on occassion. Go to museums, concerts, parties.
I suggested we have a “date” once a month, but he made some excuse and changed the subject.
I love him and would accept his way of life - basically a “desert rat”. I’m just not sure I am strong enough and secure enough in myself to do so.
Right now, I wonder if he is hurt because of my distancing myself. I’ve tried to explain to him, but he doesn’t understand, of course.
The ball is in my court and and I don’t know what to do.
Hello,
I am new to the forum but not to asperger’s. My husband has AS as does my 11 year old son. I have been married for 17 years. The first 17 years were a nightmare because my husband was undiagnosed.
He is extremely bright as is my son. They are both extremely high functioning. My husband and I could not communicate for 15 years without the fights. I always felt like he was putting me down. My family couldn’t understand why I stayed married to him.
When my son was diagnosed, we had my husband evaluated. He said he would do anything to help our son. I began researching AS through websites and books. It saved my marriage.
My husband never realized that what he said was a putdown. That was never his intention. We spoke honestly to each other and told each other how we felt about things.
Since then he is trying so hard and has told me that when I feel l put down to let him know so he can correct it. I think that talking is one of the best things a married couple can do and do it honestly. With a man with asperger’s syndrome, you cannot beat around the bush because they don’t understand the social cues of hinting.
If you are straightforward with him and he is with you, it can really be worked out. It isn’t easy but I felt my marraige was worth saving and these are the best two years that we have ever had in 17 years. I wish I would have known sooner because we could have stopped a lot of pain on both sides.
Good luck.
Thanks for taking the time to write to me. It sounds like your situation
is quite positive now, and I don’t know how you would have survived for
all those years to be honest. The way that I have coped is to live
separately from my husband - we’ve been together for the past eight
years and for half of that time we have not lived together. Two months
ago, however, we decided to move together for practical reasons, and the
relationship is now at the point where it is probably over. What has
been really very distressing for me is our complete breakdown in
communication. It seems to me that we cannot deal with the most basic
conflict, and it quickly spirals into a very serious problem. He deals
with my confronting him by withdrawing into his maths studies (which he
does at every waking moment that is not given to practical affairs, like
his job). I’m at my wits end with him - problem is that he is
undiagnosed and unlikely to be diagnosed any time soon because he is
very sensitive to the idea of being pathologized in any way. I am slowly
beginning to see that despite loving him a lot, I really don’t think he
cares about the relationship to the extent that I do, and I cannot cope
with the lack of reciprocity or intimate understanding. I wish you well,
and thanks again for sharing your story with me. C
My husband was not very affectionate at all. We were living like strangers in the same house. We had our separate lives but lived in the same home. When he put me down, I had to think, you may be a chemist but so am I so you ARE NOT better than I am.
I had to find ways to bring myself up until I just couldn’t do it anymore. He left for a business trip while we were trying to find out what was wrong with our daughter. I felt that he should of been home with me to support me. It was my final straw. I did something that he never thought I would do.
I cancelled every credit card that had his name on it with mine. I called a divorce lawyer. When my husband called to talk to me he told me that none of his credit cards worked. I told him that I thought that he took some that were only in his name. He didn’t. A co-worker had to pay for his room.
I told him that I wanted a divorce and that I couldn’t live this way anymore. I was through with it. I told him I wanted to be able to enjoy my life with the kids without worrying how he was going to react to everything that we did. I just laid it all on the table. He asked me to wait until he got home before starting the divorce proceedings.
After that, when he called, I would let him talk to the kids but I would not talk to him. When he came home we had a long arguement. He told me that he felt like he wasn’t part of the family and I told him that he did not act like part of our family. We tried again.
I am not going to lie. It was hell in this house for many years. I thought of divorce many times. When I married I had believed it was for life but I just couldn’t take the non-communication and when we did communicate it was to fight.
From what you are saying, I think the only thing that may help save your marriage is if you go to a councilor that specializes in asperger’s syndrome. A regular councilor will not be able to help you. You need someone that understands what asperger’s is. If he isn’t willing to go, go by yourself.
At times, I actually talked to my 11 year old son’s pscychiatrist and it helped me a lot. He understood what I was going through. I needed someone to talk to that understood what I was going through. I felt like I was losing my mind. Talking to someone that understands you will help you a lot.
Please keep me informed on how it is going with you. If he won’t give an inch then you should seek help for yourself.