well, i had something i wanted to get out, and after i posted it... i felt i should put it on here
i know when i first came around, people were talking about "living life on life's terms"... and i don't know about you guys, but i had no clue what they meant for a decent amount of time. I mean, i was like, "i am alive, so i am living it, ya know?" I had no clue how true it is. Throughout my sobriety, i have had both good and bad times. I have had family members pass, been cheated on, had to deal with all that emotional shit that i have both had done to me, and done to others(i had a conscience again). I learned to laugh, love, where all i knew was hate, because I might have faked the other emotions well, i wasn't able to truly experience them because of all the self hatred i had. This whole loving myself thing is awesome!
But yeah... i can say this, now that i have a few 24 hours, and i am just starting to get a clue on how life works... What i can say is this. Staying Sober is not easy. There are times that life gives us some pretty big things to handle(i know, i am going through some right now), but i do know that i will not drink over it, because i would go from keeping my head over water... to drowning... and i don't know if i would be able to resurface again. So I stay where i know i can live a good life... so i never forget how to love, both myself, and my fellow man(and woman).
Now, what I have to say to those of you just coming around, trying this whole sobriety thing, I don't care if you are homeless and have lost everything - If you have the house, kids, and job still - or if you have gotten in trouble with thew - or anything to where you think you might have a problem drinking... find AA... it has literally saved my life. I know for a fact that if I had not gotten sober when i did... that i would be dead, wither by my body giving out on me(i was in horrible health), or by my own hand, because i hadn't gotten to committing suicide yet... but it was close... and the scary part, i never told anyone because i wasnt going to do it as a cry for help... i literally wanted to die, i thought that i was a piece of shit... and that i did not deserve to be alive on this earth. Thank whatever higher power is out there that i got in trouble when i did... and i got to the rooms before i did take that blade to my skin.
I don't know where i am going here... but there is something going through my head i am trying to get to... and sitting here at the keyboard, i have been letting my words flow... i know what it is i am trying to say now.
With the recent news i have gotten of me being medically booted from the military, by paperwork, not because i can't do my job... it hurts. And my natural reaction to that is to get completely hammered, and stay that way. But now... i have to work through that emotion. And i am tired of people saying that I can't do it. I have had people trying to drag me down this entire time. You know what i have to say to that. Either join me. get behind me, or get the fuck out of my way because my sobriety means my life, and you trying to drag me down ain't helpin', so fuck you and that high horse you rode in on.
Now anyone who is trying to get sober... get the help you need. Anyone that demeans you, or says that you aren't ready... fuck them. The only person that can decide if you are ready or not is you. If you want, sobriety can be yours too... just get with the people that have that powerhouse of sobriety.
Now i am going to tell you the greatest gift that i have been given in this program. The ability to cry... and not only that... but when i am crying, it is because i am feeling an emotion... and it is awesome.
james