Struggling

I am finding it so hard not to have a drink.  I am thinking about it all the time.  Convincing myself that I can have just the one to relax, that I have drank in moderation in the past, I could do it again.  But to be honest even when I didn’t drink for a year, I smoked dope.  Dope was so much better for me but within months I was on 10-15 a day. I have given up ciggerettes and dope so it isn’t an option to go back to.   I haven’t been ‘straight’ for any length of time since I was 15.  I have always had a crutch.  I know that I need help learning how to deal with my emotions but I am reluctant to seek help because I think my partner will worry and/or become insercure. I’m scared.  Scared of not being able to do this and scared of who I am without it. I want to sing like I can’t be heard, dance like I can’t be seen and love like I’ve never been hurt but how do I live fearlessly without cover?

well, i will answer your last question first... you aren't living fearlessly now... WITH you cover... and you are right... you have been living with a crutch... and as long as you live with that crutch, you will be afraid. As well as you will never be able to grow, mentally and emotionally... you will be forever shackled.  To be the person that you sound like you want to be... sobriety is a necessity... the courage to face your fears... as the old adage goes, "face your fears, or be slave to them."

Now then, you fear of how your partner will deal with it... well... i say worry about that one later. Take care of yourself first, because if your partner is worth their weight in salt, they will respect and support your decision to be sober, because that means they will be getting a better partner out of it. If not... well, well, let's not worry about that one yet.

If you want sobriety, get to an AA meeting, they are everywhere nowadays... and a lot of your questions can be answered there.  Such as why a person htinks that they can safely drink when time and time again, they have proven that they can't.  Sure, might have been able to do it a few times, by sheer force of will, but eventually(at least for me), lost all control again.  That is the definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results...

Well I've looked up my local AA, just need to bite the bullet and go.  I'm working on it.  Had a joint today.  The frustrating thing is I know I am making myself worse in the long run because it will muck up the balance of chemicals in my head, just like the alcohol.  Balance would be so great to achieve.  Completely get what you are saying about doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results.  It is one of the great sayings that give you a bang you on the head with it simpleness and accuracy, and the serenity pray about accepting the things you cannot change etc.. (I'm not religious at all but I ask it of myself).  It has helped me through many a situation.  I feel I have worked so hard to take a good hard look at myself and be true to myself.  I realy felt I had it sussed, its dauting to know that now I have accepted my past and learnt from it, as hard as it was to let go, it is even harder to move forward. To risk believing that I might be able to achieve things that mean so much to me is like being at the edge of a cliff and believing that if I believe I can fly I will.  Thankyou for your words, you are right, I have to deal with the here and now, not the 'what will happens'. The important thing is that I stop the dope and alcohol and take it from there.  So sad to be at the beginning again. Take care

hi there plum....just read your posts and just wanted to let you know that i read it, and think that you made a good first step by coming in here and posting. period. of course we are all safe, this is very supportive place, but you need to worry about yourself first. i have been clean and sober for 12 years and had used drugs and alcohol since i was 9 or so. so most of my life this was my crutch. this crutch got me kicked out of two colleges, helped me to total my parents car, put me out on the streets, homeless and cold and hungry, cost me my fiance, who i loved very much, and eventually turned me into my very worst enemy. i crawled on my hands and knees and asked my father to take me to the hospital while my 2 1/2 year old daughter, and 4 year old son stood there, looking at me, completely broken, begging my father to help me, to save me. but there's a point in between where we are aware of the problems we have with addiction, but we haven't destroyed our lives yet; that sounds like you. you are very lucky that you are here, asking for advice and being honest. that's a good first step. you can start today to turn your life around before you look back, like i did, and wondered where my whole life had gone. i had wasted it, as it wasted me. that time, plum, you can never get back. you are blessed if your partner understands, and is supportive. if that is not the case, then you need to just take care of yourself and let it go. don't let people who don't want to see you clean get in your way. they obviously have their own battles to fight, and you have yours. personally, when i got clean, i finally found a person who was kind and supportive of my recovery and really respects me for how i have turned my life around. love, life, friends, they are all real when you're sober. the dangerous people are the ones who don't want to lose their party friend. and yeah, it's hard to let that life go, unless you get as bad as me, but you don't have to be crawling on the ground, although it is so incredibly humbling, it is not pretty.

it's okay to be afraid, losing your crutch is a huge thing, we depend on that to create a sort of shaded comfort level with life, but it's not real. living life without my crutches allowed me to become this person that i actually liked. i was afraid of what i was going to find behind the influence of everything i was on. you know, it was kind of like peeking out of a closet, after being in the dark for so long, and opening the door slowly, to the world. it's not a grand entrance, so you need not be afraid. it is a slow entrance, as you find a comfort level in sobriety that allows you to keep opening that door. but you can't get anywhere until you consciously decide, i mean, really decide that you want to stop. look at what it's doing to your life, and decide which way you want to live your life. but i'll tell you, addiction just gets worse. it gets uglier. it takes over everything. it owns your thoughts, your actions, and you are out of control. and at the bottom, where i was, is a big black pit. it's lonely and it's terrifying and it's a place i never, never want to see again. please don't go there. i don't know what else i can say. i just thought i'd put my thoughts out there.

i wish you the strength to make the right decision. it's not an easy one, but you have support. lots of support if you just look for it.

 

You are right about where I am, I'm aware that I have a problem but so far, it hasn't taken my life.  I reached a point when I stopped for a year because I felt I had reached my rock bottom by being in a situation that was my parents all over again with my son asleep in the next room. I vowed never to drink again.  I know that situation will never happen again, actually I don't, before I really thought about it I felt it could never happen because I'm in a different relationship, but do the same thing get the same results right? On my last binge I thought I was going to lose my mind, I felt insanity closing in and it was terrifying, that's when I realised it was back, I had no control, I had drunk myself stupid for no reason at all other than I couldn't stop.  I dont want to reach rock bottom before I climb back up, I can't do it to my son.  He deserves more. I have to make a choice a real solid choice.  I know the path my life will take if I carry on and as scary as it is, I want to walk the path that I don't know.  Thank you for sharing your story with me it really is so beneficial for me to hear it straight and true right now as I fall into a trap of convincing myself that because I am not as bad as I was I will be fine, but it is only going to get worse.  Thank you both. Take care

 

Plum I just wanna say Hi.Its nice to see newcomers.It wasnt bery long sense I was where you are at.I have eight months clean and sober and that my friend is a first for me.It was a hard fought battle and I’m proud to say I did it just one more day.I have three kids and a man that is a normal drinker.We have had our share of struggles.Some time even daily it seems.He supports me thakn God but this is no easier for him then it is for me.We have been on the verge of breakup more in this short eight months then I every thought would ever happen.But he loves me and he is willing to wait and see who I become.Because the thing is as you get sober you will find a new you.And as scary as that may seem to you and or him it will be a prosses that you can one day pass to another that is struggling to find there way.AA is a program that is made out of suggestions only.No one thing will keep you sober evey time.Some days I stay sober for my kids and other I do it for my sanity,and there are days That I do it by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth.And all those things are all good reasons.Because its adds one more day to your own battle fought and won.If your are not sure go to a meeting sit in the back and just listen.I bet my bottom that you will go and hear something that you need to hear or find a diffrent way to stay sober.There is a way out of that muck if you want.You my find this hard but many of us on this site stay sober by just dropping a line to a new friend.I just stayed sober one more min by just saying hi.Well…mabey a long hi but a hi all the same.Find someone to reach out to.Then hang on this is one trip you might not be able to afford to miss!!

Ravineagal, don’t know whether I’m nervous excited or nervous scared. My partner is a normal drinker too, I feel so guilty that this is going to be just as hard on him.  He is so good to me I don’t want to ever hurt him, but I worry I will as I drag him through the shit with me! I don’t know why I think it might hurt us because I have never felt so loved in my entire life.  I sort of feel that I can only deal with the alcohol right now, not holding our relationship together aswell.  Maybe he’ll hold on instead? Don’t think I would have ever considered that he just might if I hadn’t read your post. Thankyou. 

hi glade my mail did a bit of good u have 2 focos on your self it will all come clear in the end your boyfriend will b fine & if he loves u he will b there 4 u just think about it 1 day at a time i no your sick of hearing that but it does work im trying 2 stop smoking i do it half a hour at a time its driving me mad but i no it will get better with time do u go 2 any meetings it might help wont hurt 2 try have’nt been on this site long & it does help me specily 2 speak 2 people who have been sober a long time it gives me hope speak soon karkie

plum alcoholism-cpt2171@lists.careplace.com wrote:

hi baird sorry its been a bit but im not good at this sort of thing wot u
said helped me its good 2 hear that people can stay clean all that
time.u give me hope that i can do it a day at a time i dont think
about drink much i drink on problems i started again because
2 of my cats got killed i really loved them u might think im daft
but it took me over the edge but hopfully im back on track & talking 2 people like u really
helps.hope u carry on giving me advice thanks a lot

Baird alcoholism-cpt2171@lists.careplace.com wrote: