Taking the blame

My husband has AS. and as I have written before it makes for a very difficult relationship. I think my most frustrating situation at this time is the blame. He blames me for everything. I’m pretty sure blame me is tatooed across my for head. Conversation is always one sided and if I do try to respond he shuts down and says i’m inturuping. please someone give me some advice.

Ti think the best thing you can do is to talk to him
if not in words then in later

Hi Meshka,

Blaming works! Say the dishes need to be done, he complains without accepting rebuttle, and the dishes get done! And when you learn something works, you do it again. Yet, it seems you could have a good reason, and can’t get a word in. Plus you get discouraged and just forget the dishes, and it sets him off. (Substitute in other things for dishes.)

  1. Take some of the things that create the blame situations, and assign them to him, with his agreement! (AS guys are good at getting things done that are routine, in fact they like routine. And they don’t get so hung up on what is Macho, so they can do dishes. Yes, I do the dishes now, and it saves a lot of blaming, for dishes at least.)

  2. Write out your response and leave it for him to read later. It gives him time to think it over, outside of the “heat of the battle”. (Yes, I get these little notes, and while a few make me mad, most of the time I find I need to apologize. Time to think it through helps a lot.)

  3. Pick your battles. Could he be right at least some of the time? Is it worth the grief? Sometimes, if it is true, or for some little things, agree you were wrong, do what needs to be done, and stop the blaming instantly.

  4. Let him know, probably in another little note, that there are otherways to communicate, and see if it helps, at least sometimes.

  5. Scheduling things, like bills are discussed twice a week at set times, may at least take the surprise out of the blaming, and have you both prepared for the discussion.

Thanks for your note. I need to watch myself for too much blaming, and with your pointing it out, I will try to do better.