The female Narcisisst

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Sometimes I feel as though people see NPD as only a male disorder, with NPD being the an exaggeration of the worst traits that a male has to offer society. I don’t doubt that male N’s are sexist, but I feel the need to point out that there are female N’s who are everybit as selfish and cold hearted as the male. To me, NPD expolores the worst traits that human nature has to offer. Women suffer at the hands of N’s, but so do men, friends, and little boys and girls.

Just my two cents to offer support for those males who come along…

#2

The only N/S I ever knew was my ex “soulmate”. I know I walk around intimacy phobic about ever letting my guard down around a man again, and I hadnt entertained the thought I was being sexist but I’ll keep that awareness in mind. What it is for me is protecting my heart from what it has now come to perceive as too much pain to bear a second time.

Having said that, I’m glad this post has brought that awareness to mind. And I remember how much I still do love the company of men platonically, and so there must be hope that one day, a good man will touch my life in a non-platonic way again.

Years ago, in my first year class in therapist training, a classmate spoke of her diagnosed N mother. She was in chronic emotional pain, and it seemed unable to have healthy friendships, let alone even consider a romantic relationship. She couldnt stomach the intimacy that group therapy required and so dropped out. I often wondered what happened to her. I’m aware not of female N’s, but of the damage they leave behind.

So to any of the male victims of N’s who may be here, you can count me among those women who dont see all men as N’s…or all N’s as men.

Just to add, I’ve spent part of this summer corresponding with an admitted N who used to be a member of this forum, who has been incredibly self-effacing, honest…and kind. And I find being detached from him emotionally except as a friend…hmm…whats the word…well, its helped in the process of letting go of my earlier perception that all N’s are evil and dangerous.

So to any N’s who are lurking and afraid to post, we’re not a lynch mob. I’m pretty clear on who the person is who hurt me, and I recognize its not any of the males on Careplace.

good luck to everyone…and thanks WY for keeping the male perspective alive and well here.

#3

No there are not as many femail Ns…but apparently they are far WORSE than the male variety…widow spiders is one term that I have read about…catching poor unsuspecting men in their’webs"of distortion an lies…and remember…that femail sopiders eat their mates!
im glad that i am not a lesbian…god forbid id probably end up with an N partner.(again)

#4

Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that a woman was sexist for not recognizing the female N’s or anything. I don’t see it that way. Lord knows I look at women differently after my own experience.

I learned a lot talking to some diagnosed Ns and BPDs too. It was very educational and not a negative experience at all, which still throws me for a loop sometimes. How can that be, ya know? Its not the kind of conversation I could have with my ex.

As far as Spiralupwards comment, why would you say they are far worse? I see the male and female N’s behaving in the exact same ways. I see little difference in their behavior or what the people involved go through. I’m not saying you are wrong, but from where I sat they matched point for point, and the sexes involved didn’t even seem to play a part at all.

I imagine the male N biting his partners head off after mating, too.

#5

I said that.because emotionally speaking…women have the advantage over men in general…an evolutionary thing apparently…so women have the emotional weapon to use…and the seduction thing…i just think that womenare emotional beings…although with arrested development as regards emotion with femail Ns…i just dont know.

#6

I think all we have to base any of our perspectives on

is our experiences.

It makes sense if you were hurt more by a male or female N, that would colour your understanding.

Its one of the reasons I keep refering to myself and my experiences with my exN/S. I am trying to keep myself aware that that was one person, and I cant colour all N’s, or all male N’s the same way. I can only comment on my own experience with any confidence.

#7

WY - It is difficult to imagine female Ns, I think only because the stereotypical “cold” “manipulative” “controlling” etc. handles that are assigned to Ns, seem to be behaviors which are more often found in even normal men. I have to admit that I think you, as a man, may have had an even more difficult time than us females here simply because understanding and making sense of any female having those traits - N or no - is already a pretty foreign concept. Does that make sense? I can just see where the survivor of a female N might have a harder time getting through it. I applaud you and thank you for being here and being so open and honest about all you’ve been through…

#8

Thanks for sharing your perspective, Angie. I’m talking about it elsewhere and it is enlightening. These N traits are things that are attributed to males, and even worse, it seems society is more accepting and forgiving of these behaviors coming from a male while they look down upon a female doing the same thing.

What you say does make a lot of sense. These behaviors from my ex did appear to be very masculine in nature, and I don’t mean that she was “butch”, but her behaviors seemed as such. I’d go so far to say I thought she was posessed by a male eprsona once. Maybe it was even easier to spot a lack of compassion in a woman than it would be in a male. I suppose it was easier for me to imagine a male N based off a female than it would be for someone to do the opposite.

I don’t know that I had a harder time than any of you because of it though. =) It absolutely sucked for all the same reasons.

And thanks for the kind words!

#9

there seems to be a breed of women who want want want, and get get get, yet stil treat their men like shit and talk down to and about them in public. My brothers ex-wife was this way, always shreiking at him and the likes. he adored her. she eventually left him for her previously “gay” friend. Gay so she could flounce with him at my brothers expense, under his nose and in his home while slogged it at work.

He had dropped his friends, and pretty much all of us. I dont think femae Ns are that uncommon. I wonder if it has to do with girls, at a young age engaging so much more with each other that it kind of knocks some of the arrogant behaviour out of them.

I really dont know where the statistics on NPD come from. For me there is way too many N mothers spoken about on these forums for me to accept that it is a condition which afflicts one sex more than the other. I think diagnoses and statistics is one thing, and real life, quite another.

Just my garbled thoughts
x

#10

Thats a good point, Nic. I don’t know where those statistics come from either, seeing has the majority of these people never visit a doc it they might not measure much at all. Oddly enough, telling people her male friends were gay was also a tactic my ex used. There was something wrong with my mother, too. It sure seems like Nism is almost common around here.

#11

The more I think about it, the more I think it was a miracle my dad was just a selfish guy and not an N, because his mother many here would call N, she was VERY much like Livia Soprano’s character. But like Livia she was probably more accurately Borderline.

By the end she had estranged everyone in the family, although my mother took the brunt of it and continued to hold her head high for all our sakes.

And in the end my grandmother, if it werent for me swallowing the sour apple and sitting with her for 3 days/nights, she would have died alone, after a miserable life in which she made everyone else miserable.

Maybe it is more common than we think, especially that generation and earlier, before there were labels, before people cared about much else than putting food on the table and staying alive?

#12

I only know of one serious femail n…my mothers friend…who dragged a jesuite preist out of the preiesthood…gave him hell…and ended up in catholic retreats when she flipped.
she was seriously scary…but after he died…her spark went and she is a subdued version now…she needed him it seemed to’spark"off almost.
His training helped him to cope…patience of a saint perhaps.

#13

So how devastating is the effect of the Nmother on the son?

Does this make a difference? Is this where the Nmom becomes obssessed with the son and that she is the only who can meet his needs?

Sorry, too impatient to read Trapped and don’t have it yet… :slight_smile:

#14

N mothers seem to haver a devastating effect on their sons…unless they rebel.
My ex was the son of an N/borderline mother…and he sort of became her??it seemed that out of fear he went’inside himself’by what he said)and he was alm0st possessed by the woman…is that engulfment?