making an investment into anyone or anything is risky,as the investment does not always pay off.
is this perhaps why we hang on in there,and if soi,s it the challenge and therefore,is this possibly to do with our challemging relationships with N parents?
fingers crossed I hope you are right wastedyouth about being able to heal completely.
So unfair though! They’ve wasted so much of our time!
I agree with you on that, spiralupwards. Speaking from personal experience, I feel that was the case with me.
As children of an N parent. We are used to not being treated properly, not expecting much from the other person.
Unfortunately, such behaviours become a part of our comfort zone. Even though we know that they are not normal/good behaviours, we are brought up in an enviornment where these things are ‘acceptable’. Maybe that is what makes us stick around for such a long time.
Another thing which I felt made me stick around was the ‘shock and awe’ factor. As to how low and petty can a highly educated professional get. Seriously, it’s only now after a year of being in no contact with him that I realize how petty a person he was. He wanted to out do himself in stoopig to the lowest levels of humanity.
I don’t feel that investing in relationships or people is worth it, but to be clear thats my damaged view after dealing with NPD/BPD and not so much a conscious choice. I’m past all the pain, obsessive thinking, and resentment of that old relationship but I’m still not at a point where I feel safe exposing any vulnerable parts of me to anyone in that they might take advantage of or exploit it. My parents helped set me up to be vulnerable of these things, but now that I’ve been through it and fought my way out my brain just flat out refuses to let those damaged parts of me be exposed or at risk again.
I have become %100 N-proof, but thats not working out well. When having relationships or relating to the world we have to offer up a certain part of ourselves which involves risk. I don’t think its worth it at the moment, but in that respect I think I’m wrong. Is it better to have loved and been hurt or never to love at all? I’m at a point where investments and risk are a bad idea, regardless of if I’m dealing with disorders or not. My subconcious is not ready to take chances and I wonder if it ever will be.
This is actually my biggest issue to tackle at the moment and will be for some time.
fortune favours the brave as they say…!and yes it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all…but…perhaps loving yourself is the first step…as long as its not narcissistic of course…!!
its coming out of that "safety zone"that is an issue though granted…we end up with injuries that need to be healed too…but remember…scar tissue is far stronger/tougher!
Yup, yup, taking care of myself is something I definately wasn’t doing but I’ve improved a lot in that respect. I’ll eventually get there…
perhaps with too many 'defences"we could shut out others and ourselves in.!
what a dilemma…!
My question is…All relationships bring happiness and hurt. If we are ever to enter in a relationship in the future we should know that we WILL get hurt at times, we will cry, we will want to run away at times.
But after having such a horrible N-experience I fear we might run away even if there is no need to run away. We are all too scared now. N’s have broken a part of us, they’ve done some pretty permanent damage.
“But after having such a horrible N-experience I fear we might run away even if there is no need to run away. We are all too scared now. N’s have broken a part of us, they’ve done some pretty permanent damage.”
I don’t believe its permanent damage. People can and do recover from these things all the time, but thats not to say that its easy. Some people make it through without a scratch, some need a whole lot of support, many need therapy, some need advanced therapeutic methods. Most of us here are damaged in some way, and we’re all on different paths, but I believe the destination is the same. I believe healing is possible. I know because I’ve done some, and I have the rest of my life to heal more.
out of bad comes good…they can make us or break us…its up to us!
but the time was not wasted …as we learned something and grew as people.
once bitten…twice shy as they say…wisdom comes at a price…but worth every penny perhaps.
I guess you are right spiralupwards.
then in a way,this was an investment into ourselves!!?
just time to recover and reap the rewards…at least our cup is hals full,not half-empty as they say…i dont want any more half-empty relationships,only equal amounts of give-take,and i am sure we have loads to give whoever truly deserves it…no more"wasters"
Note the positive statement"WHEN i give my heart again"briliant… i cant imagine giving my heart again at this PRESENT moment in time,to be perfectly honest…kudos to you.
Done! 
No more! It’s like a re-birth isn’t it?!
A whole new prespective of looking at things. Almost like we all we living in our own shells before the ‘n-storm’.
Well, one thing is for sure. After being with an N you surely get your priorities in line.
First priority, SELF-RESPECT!
And theres no compromise on that one!
oooh …so right.
they take away your self respect,(or try to)they use you abuse you and coldly "toss you aside"so to speak…leaving us feeling empty.
But from that emptiness hopefuly comes renewed confidence,wisdom,insight and the very spirit that is needed to survive an N relationship,is something that they never had and will NEVER have.!
xx to all
Not everything that we face can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced - James Baldwin
Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to living with a Narcissist. To cope with a Narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons around the Narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice?
Narcissists cannot love. If you love only in order to be loved back - this is narcissistic love. Loving someone is not dependent upon emotional reciprocity. If your child stopped loving you - you do not stop loving him. You simply cannot NOT love him. The same applies to narcissists. They are incapable of loving. Does this render you incapable of loving them? If your answer is positive, then how different from them are you really? S. Vaknin
In my internet travels today I found these statements. I don’t regret my time with my Ex-N. I only regret that I stayed so long. I don’t regret loving him. I regret putting his needs above my own to the point where I compromised my values. However, as you say this is a learning experience and all I can do is take the good with the bad and be better prepared for when I open my heart again.
Spiral…You will give your heart again someday. To someone who has earned and deserves the precious gift of “your heart”. I know you are wary, frankly so am I. Some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
My Mom told me today “keep your eyes open, don’t listen to his promises, pay attention to his actions, trust what you see”.
I know it’s hard to do right now cause like I said, I’m working on it too. There are people who’s hearts get broken and never venture into relationships again. I know one of them. His wife left him for another man when he was in his late twenties. He never married again and he won’t let anyone get too close, he’s 48 years old. I don’t care how much of a jerk he was or wasn’t nobody’s worth that. Nobody.
Im sure you are right…what a waste when we have a lot to offer the"right person"its just a case of not giving it to someone who cant/wont give it back!
And i agree as regards Ns and love…how can they give what they dont have to give…its sad all round really.
still…at least we had a go…and as wastedyouth says"its better to have loved and lost,than to have never loved at all."
in this respect…we are far luckier than ns…
Everyone here seems to be very empethatic,strong and all have taken a real battering,but im sure, like you say double dee…we will love again and hopefully it wont be shoved right back in our faces!?
Best to all x