Wasted Time: A Narc Log

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Has anyone tried to figure out how much time they spent dealing with the Narc in their life?

A few years ago, I did a “co-dependency” log. Every time one of my “friends” or family, or my Narc Dad called me for emotional dumping then I logged it into my journal how much time I spent doing this.

Then I logged how much time other people emotionally supported me.

I was shocked. Talk about wasted time!!!

Sometimes it would be 2-3 hours per day on the weekend and I had about 10 emotional dumpers. Meanwhile only a few people would actually call to ask me how I was doing. No wonder I never had time to schedule a dental appointment or go to the gym.

During the week, I have a long work commute so I would usually get a call from a co-dependent because she knows she can dump on me for at least an hour.

Things came to head on 2005 on my birthday when two of my so-called best friends left 5 minute messages on my voicemail about their boyfriends and didn’t wish me a happy birthday (even though they knew it was my birthday).

I guess this is where I hit my co-dependency bottom.

I set a clear rule for myself: No more than 10 hours of co-dependency per month.

The month started on the 1st. If my Narc Dad called on the 2nd and wanted to talk about how it is unfair that his girlfriend is mad at him just because he cheated on her and took up an hour of my time then I wrote it on my co-dependency log. If a leechy friend called to bore me about some stupid designer outfit they bought or their pot smoking boyfriend without asking me about my life then I logged it in my journal.

Usually by the 7th I hardly picked up the phone because I had already ate up my 10 co-dependency hours.

I could believe how much more time I had after the 10 hour rule. It felt like everyday had a few more hours. I had time to do little things like clean my closet, get my car washed.

By the end of 2007, I dropped the leeches/friends altogether so I don’t do anymore co-dependent logs.

I no longer talk to my Dad because besides being a Narc thief, he is just a womanizing, vain, rich, bore. I mean how long can I listen to his stories about playing tennis. I have no beef with tennis, but his tennis stories are really boring. I couldn’t believe how long I was spending with someone so boring.

I am kind of a practical person so somehow logging in the hours I spent being a co-dependent was helpful for me.

Nat

#2

I spent 24 hours a day for about five and half years dealing with it. =) I suppose I could factor out sleep, but I lot of time was spent sleepless worry and dealing with the problems that were created. We lived together, and we worked together, and every single day was a serious struggle and battle for self respect. The whole NPD thing consumed every waking part of my life. It felt like I was constantly under attack ( because I was! ). It no wonder people sometimes suffer from PTSD after these relationships. You’re body spends alot of time working of its survival instincts. Its no different than running from a grizzly bear for 5 years…

#3

Hmmmmmmmm…I lived with my N-Husband for a year. So that was one year 24/7 of his idiotic issues taking up my time.

But man! WastedYouth I just read that you lived with your N and worked in the same place too for more than 5 years!

Wow! What are you made of? Nerves of steel I must say :slight_smile:

#4

Haha, “nerves of steel.” I wish I could say I behaved in such a way, but it was an awful experience and I probably had numerous mental breakdowns throughout the ordeal. I did not handle it elegantly at all, not until the end. I never met anybody who did either, and I’d have great admiration for somebody who could pull that off. I can’t imagine anybody going through it and not falling apart at some point.

#5

So we are all in agreement? Its a 24/7 waste of time? I can’t think of any moments that werent ruled by the chaos that NPD created. It was always on my mind.

#6

yep its the time wasted that is the grief,i believe
loss as regards childhood…loss as regards all the effort put in to a relationship perhaps…with no"just rewards" for the investment of time/energy/effort…perhaps?..does anyone agree we are all fighters who like a challenge?and that "mentality"was gained through the childhood experience?
"nothing is a waste of time if we learn something from it"
Perhaps the time is not wasted if we reap the rewards now…!

#7

It was a challenge and quite a fight that is fruitless. It ended with no contact but somehow I still see myself as the victorious one. I beat some of my own demons. I don’t know if my childhood gave me more of an advantage or if it created a person who just willing to put up with irrational and unhealthy behaviors.

#8

an interesting thought!..but as one of the things necessary for psychological health(apparently)is a challenge…!..it cant be all bad…!

#9

I guess we are all the ‘savior’ type. In the end you realize that you just have to save yourself.

#10

you are dead right fancynancy…but the"dynamics"as regards the "needy-strong person…seem very distorted dont you think…they are the control freaks…we are percaived as "needy"when in fact…it is the other way round!!perhaps they "tune in"to our rescuear capacities???..in an unconscious way…and we tune in to their neediness…born rescuers perhps…but we have to rescue ourselves…lifes a b…h sometimes