What did you give up in order to stay?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

A question asked me by my therapist. I heard the words but couldnt get a firm grip on what the answer would be, so I guessed, and then have been thinking about it ever since.

We saw so much insanity and unfair treatment in our relatioNships and yet we stayed for however long we did. For me it was 7 years in and another year out that I tried to remain friends at his request, but the abuse and neglect continued.

8 years of maltreatment could not have happened without my agreement and participation, because I could have left after his first rage at me only a few months into the relationship. But I stayed, and tried to “make it work”, which near the end meant I was helping him bend me into an emotional pretzel by actually believing the problem was I STILL wasnt giving him enough or changing enough or sacrificing enough or learning to be happy with even less than I was getting.

This is not an easy question for me. I want to demonize him and be done with it. The truth is, I DO get to demonize him, he is a bad man, he’s a criminal…he’s no Robin Hood. He is the kind of guy who assaults strangers just because he was stressing out. But I’m not guiltless.

What are you guilty of in order to have stayed? What did you give up in order to keep the relationship going?

#2

I’ll start with some of what I know, although I feel the real bottom line is still a little elusive for me just yet.

I had to give up my common sense, or what else do we call it? trust in my gut? my sense of right and wrong?

I heard witnessed and experienced things and my first reaction was “this isnt right”. His response was “the world is not black and white, dont be black and white”. So I sort of checked what my sense of morality, ethics, respect, justice at the door and tried to have empathy for a guy who had been terribly abused and would see and react to the world in a different moraliuty or ethic than me. I tried to see things from his point of view. And eventually even his abuse of me I tried to see from his point of view “maybe I do have too high expectations, maybe other couples dont need this much consideration, maybe I am needy, maybe he cant face the fact he is a liar?”

The problem was, or maybe thank God I never was fully convinced, I fought all the time for what WAS right.

It was ultimately what destroyed the relationship but there is some small comfort in knowing I shelved my common sense for years but I never lost it during that time.

#3

But I stayed, and tried to "make it work", which near the end meant I was helping him bend me into an emotional pretzel

What did I give up?  I gave up my voice.  I knew what was right and what was wrong.  But I kept the illusion that we were separate and what he did was not my problem.  I was never embarassed by his behavior,  I allowed him to "fall" on his own.  I didn't enable him in his drinking or rages.  But I didn't have a voice in my own home.

 This was my third marriage (and no,  third time is NOT the charm, lol).  I could not be a failure again.  I was the first person to divorce in my entire family,  and this would be my third failure.  So since I had grown up hearing "you must give 100% and work hard to have a successful marriage",  I gave 100% and worked hard.  Trouble was, HE didn't work hard and gave barely 1%. 

I also felt very good about continuing the marriage,  while everyone around us was splitting up.  I felt high and mighty and righteous.  Because I could work hard and maintain a marriage, while others were giving up.  Stupid idea #1. 

 For my 9 years,  all I got was wasted time.  If I had been smart,  I would have cut my losses and run 8 years earlier. 

 

wahela

#5

I gave up my hobbies, my friends, my family, and my hometown. I gave up several nights a week when I could have been doing homework, but instead had to attend parites or co-host them, or have “blow-off steam” barbecues starting when N got home until he was ready for bed.