Well today I finally did it. I called an attorney and made an appointment to file for divorce. It made me sad. Sad for all of those hopes and dreams that I had that I can see now will never be. I finally took my wedding band off and put it away. Not that it ever meant anything to him anyway. He was drunk on our wedding day and stumbled over his vows. I now that it all just for show with him. Its been 5 weeks now. I found out that he filed a false police report, saying that I had showed up over at his ex wife’s house ( yes his ex-wife, the one that is now married to the man she was fooling around with while married to the NPD) and threatened her, kicked her door in and beat her up. Isn’t it amazing how strong I am, even after having had a stroke last year? Yeah, right. Its funny how the police never showed up to arrest me. He has his adult son, also living at home believing a ton of lies about me. I am the one that’s crazy, violent, unstable. That really bothers me. I know its par for the course but I still don’t have to like it. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I think that while healing is coming, its going to take me a long time. I remember being so shocked when my therapist said that I was grieving for a man that never really existed. Some days I still can’t believe I’m here. I hope that he won’t fight the divorce, I just want to get free of him. I appreciate all of you on this list, you are helping me to see, helping me to heal. Is there anything I can do about the lies he has told? Remember this man has NPD, is an alcoholic and a child predator. It makes me sick on my stomach to think about it. I do know that I don’t want a fight with him, I just want him to go away.
A lot depends on what you have together in terms of assets & children. If there is anything he can make a fight with, my guess is, he will. This is an adapted article from the website noted at the bottom, which pretty much describes my situation:
How Personality Disorders Drive Family Court Litigation November 1, 2005, William A. Eddy, LCSW, Esq. I was first exposed to the concept of personality disorders in 1980 when I was in training as a therapist at the San Diego Child Guidance Clinic. Now that I have completed five years as a family law attorney, I have frequently witnessed the same underlying issues in hotly contested family court litigation -- yet these remain undiagnosed and, therefore, misunderstood. Since more flexible and cost-conscious people nowadays are resolving their divorces in mediation, attorney-assisted negotiation, or just by themselves, those cases remaining in litigation may be increasingly driven by personality disorders. The Nature of a Personality Disorder Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress, which causes self-sabotaging behaviour which causes significant problems in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce - over 80% of whom are recovering significantly after 2 years. A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship -- such as several years in a counselling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don't fade away -- they just change venue. Personality Disorders Appearing in Family Court includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) -- more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self, to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger. Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment. Cognitive Distortions and False Statement Their perceptions of other people's behaviour is often distorted -- and in some cases delusional - they often see all people as either allies or enemies in it. Their thinking is often dominated by cognitive distortions, such as: all-or-nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, minimization of the positive and maximization of the negative. They may form very inaccurate beliefs about the other person, but cling rigidly to those beliefs when they are challenged -- because being challenged is usually perceived as a threat. Projection Just as an active alcoholic or addict blames others for their substance abuse, those with personality disorders are often preoccupied with other people's behaviour while avoiding any examination of their own behaviour. Just as a movie projector throws a large image on a screen from a hidden booth, those with personality disorders project their internal conflicts onto their daily interactions -- usually without knowing it. All the world is a stage -- including court. It is not uncommon in family court declarations for one with a personality disorder to claim the other party has characteristics which are really their own ("she's manipulative" or "she's hiding information and delaying the process"), and do not fit the other party. Spousal abusers claim the other is being abusive. Liars claim the other is lying. How Family Court Fits Personality Disorders Family Court is perfectly suited to the fantasies of someone with a personality disorder: There is an all-powerful person (the judge) who will punish or control the other spouse. The focus of the court process is perceived as fixing blame -- and many with personality disorders are experts at blame. There is a professional ally who will champion their cause (their attorney, the judge). Seeking to gain the allegiance of the children is automatic - they too are seen as either allies or enemies. What can/is being Done In California, for example, Family Code Section 3190 allows the court to order up to one year of counselling for parents, if: "(1) The dispute between the parents or between a parent and the child poses a substantial danger to the best interest of the child. [or] (2)The counselling is in the best interest of the child." Even short-term counselling can help. Therapists, in addition to being supportive, need to help clients challenge their own thinking: about their own role in the dispute; about the accuracy of their view of the other party; and about their high expectations of the court. Likewise, attorneys need to also challenge their clients' thinking and not accept their declarations at face value. More time should be spent educating them to focus on negotiating solutions, rather than escalating blame. As it applies to California, the court should make greater use of sanctions under Family Code Section 271 for parties and attorneys who refuse to negotiate and unnecessarily escalate the conflict and costs of litigation. The court must realize that the parties are often not equally at fault. One or both parties may have a personality disorder, but that does not necessarily mean both are offenders (violent, manipulative, or lying). A non-offending, dependent spouse may truly need the court's assistance in dealing with the offender. The court should not be neutralized by mutual allegations without looking deeper. Otherwise, because of their personality style, the most offending party is often able to continue their offender behaviour -- either by matching the other's true allegations for a neutral outcome, or by being the most skilled at briefly looking good and thereby receiving the court's endorsement. The court is in a unique position to motivate needed change in personal behaviour. In highly contested cases, counselling or consequences should be ordered. Professionals and parties must work together to fully diagnose and treat each person's underlying problems, rather than allowing the parties (and their advocates) to become absorbed in an endless adversarial process. Because their largest issues are internal, they will never be resolved in court. Related Website: www.eddylaw.com
Nic,
very intresting considering the person who put Vaknin’s book in my hand originally is also working as a counsellor for parties engaged in conflict in Family Court.
…it all comes full-circle…
(hoping today is a relatively calm one for you)
cant even begin to tell you the nonsense of my past three years in “negotiation” LOL
My H is not crimially minded or cruel or particularly clever. Just jovial and funny and helpful. So it seems, and so it is. To everyone except me.
And he has re-invented, so he has a whole new audience. A whole new world, and a fresh start. i dont envy him, am sure it suits him perfectly.
You have to keep rising above this disorder and seeing the bigger picture, its a bloody challenge, that much is for sure!!
Am going to have to put things into perspoective, cos i can tell you this much, the lawyers are eejits, its not their life, so whadda they care?? (I just keep tryin to be nice to mine - maybe thats my probelm - in the hope they will be on my side)
I want to use this second degree that i am about to embark on, and make a difference, I want to try at least.
Rising above this is my new mantra. What will be will be. I can see the end of my light at the end of the tunnell for now. I just hope he does not up the anti with the kids when money and divorce is said andIdone, and it is in this department that I i need to concentrate my energies.
Nic:
That information is so interesting, every attorney and judge should have it. As I read it, I was reading EXACTLY, verbatum, what my ex-husband did and who he is to a tee. There is no question, it’s crazy! I just got finished (May 20th) from sitting on the stand for over 6 hours (breaks here and there). My ex was trying to get me for common law marriage. He even hired a private investigator who presented herself as someone who was doing a spa survey, she looked like she needed a spa. She was trying to entrap me to write out the man in my life’s name on the dotted line where it said, “husband,” she was so crafty, that when she was leaving, she said, “Oh, you forgot to write your boyfriend’s name,” as her thumb covered the words “spouse” before the dotted line. The bottom line is I won, but it wasn’t after a lot, that’s A LOT of emotional abuse. These people exhaust the hell out of you that you don’t know if you are coming or going. It’s only when you are healthy minded, and that you can stay away from them, not communicate at all, that you gain your strength back and begin to really see things clearly. They definately accuse you of what they themselves do.
Lelee:
You have GOT TO GET RID OF THAT MAN!!! He is never ever going to change—EVER! And once a child molestor, always a child molestor. Stop pipe dreaming! I am sorry to be so poignant here, but you really need to get clear minded FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. Both you and your daughter need to stay in therapy until you’re both healed. It’s a very long journey. I am still going seven years later. Your therapist is correct when he/she told you that you are grieving an “image.” That’s a hard one to decipher. I was told the exact same thing. Twenty-three years of loving an image, who, more than not, hated me for being me; really hated me. The abuse is horrific, and what’s worse is the sometimes subtle abuse, when you question your own self, because you can’t possibly believe that this person you are married to is doing this on purpose. My husband would not pay the gas bill or the cable bill before going on his long business trips, so to punish me for not taking over the bills (I did everything but bills), so more often than not, when he went away for a week or two, our gas/cable was shut off, and I would have to go through hoops to get it/them turned back on. My ex-husband is very successful, it was never about a struggle to pay the bills. This was always done deliberately, and so often that I was dumbfounded, that is until I realized that what he was doing was exactly what it was, a punishment! But, who on Earth would ever suspect that a husband would do this to his wife and inadvertantly to his children? It was so subtle that you would never believe such a thing. There was a lot of that going on in my house, along with the R A G E S, and not so subtle stuff.