What the heck am i doing here?

I’M HERE BECAUSE I HAVE INFILTRATING DUCTAL CARCINOMA- STAGE TWO. I WASN’T EVEN LOOKING FOR IT. NO WAY I WOULD HAVE KNOWN…BUT IT STARTED TO BURN A LITTLE, AND I THOUGHT I HAD PINCHED IT SOMEHOW IN MY HORRIBLE CURL OVER THE LAPTOP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED. …I FELT ONLY A FIRMNESS THERE AND SAW NO BRUISING. THEN THE BURN CHANGED TO AN ITCH LIKE IT WAS GOING AWAY AND I THOUGHT, “PHEW! GOOD!”. BUT IT RETURNED AND I BEGAN TO HAVE SHOOTING PAIN TO MY NIPPLE. I HAD JUST BEGUN TO LOOK ONLINE FOR BREAST “INJURY” AND MADE AND MISSED 2 APPT. WITH AN UNKNOWN GYNO DR. (LONG STORY). SO, TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS- LITERALLY, I TOOK HOLD OF EACH BREAST IN THE SAME PLACE AND, DAMN! THE LEFT WAS LARGER AND FIRMER THAN THE RIGHT. (FIRMNESS HAS NOT BEEN AN ISSUE FOR SOME TIME, SO I HAD MY RED FLAG IN HAND!) I CALLED THE NEXT DAY AND WAS FIRM ABOUT THE MAMMOGRAPHY ASAP, AFTER ALL, SHE WOULD WANT ONE. SO, MAMMO, ULTRASOUND, THEN “YOU HAVE A MASS”…NO SHITE, DR…TOOK 2 NEEDLE BIOPSY SAMPLES OUT OF THE 5 HE SAID HE’D TAKE AND PUT A MARKER IN IT. THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW. NONE OF THE HAND PATTING AND SAYING “DON’T START WORRYING YET, IT COULD BE SUCH AND SUCH…” LIKE THEY DO. I SAW IT ON THE ULTRA SOUND AND ASKED IF IT MIGHT BE A CYST. SHE SAID, “NO, A CYST LOOKS LIKE A BLACK HOLE” MINE WAS A VISIBLE FORM, SHAPE, AN ENTITY. AND EVEN WHEN I JOKINGLY ASKED THE DR. IF IT WOULD GET ME A FREE BOOB JOB, THEY DID NOT LAUGH. GREAT. I WILL SAY HOWEVER IF I WAS GOING TO GET CANCER, HAVING A BOOB JOB THAT IS COVERED BY MY INSURANCE IS A DREAM COME TRUE-CALL ME SICK, BUT IT’S THE TRUTH.

I HAVE ARMED MYSELF WITH SUSAN LOVES BOOK, SIEGEL’S MEDITATIONAL CD’S ON PREPARING FOR SURGERY, RADIATION AND CHEMO. ANOTHER ON POSITIVE IMAGERY, WHICH I’M LOUSY AT, AND A FEW MORE ON ACCEPTING LOSS AND CHANGE. PREPARED? NOOOO. NO CONCEPT.

MY BIGGEST CONCERN IS HOW MY BODY WILL REACT TO TREATMENT. I AM SERIOUSLY CHEMICALLY SENSITIVE DUE TO MY POISONING (SEE MY PROFILE/STORY) IT AMOUNTS TO CENTRAL SENSITIZATION, OR CENTRAL PAIN SYNDROME. SO HAVING THAT PRE-INSTALLED, WHERE WILL IT ALL TAKE ME? JUST AN AGGRAVATION OF IT OR FURTHER PERMANENT INCREASE? AND THE b~ OF IT IS NO ONE CAN TELL ME, NO ONE KNOWS, AND I CAN’T DO A DARN THING ABOUT IT!! RIGHT NOW, I TAKE NEURONTIN AND JUST A FEW DRUGS AND HOUSEHOLD ITEMS STILL WILL AGGRAVATE IT. STRESS WILL TOO–I START BURNING. DURING MY EPISODE WITH THE CAR, I BURNED INSIDE AND OUT LIKE I WAS SPRAYED WITH ACID. NON STOP. I FROZE AND BURNED AT THE SAME TIME. MUCH MORE I WONT GO INTO. IN ONE SENTENCE, MY CNS VOLUME GOT TURNED UP AND CREATED UNNATURAL AND DISTORTED SENSORY “PAIN” EFFECTS. THE RESIDUAL EFFECTS STAY UNDER CONTROL WITH NEURONTIN, USUALLY. BUT I KNOW THAT IT IS THERE, 5 YEARS LATER, AND TOTALLY “ACTIVATABLE” AGAIN. IF I MUST ENDURE IT FOR A LIMITED TIME, I WILL GRIT MY TEETH, PTSD INCLUDED. I JUST DON’T SEE HOW I WON’T BE LEFT WITH A HIGHER RESIDUAL LEVEL OF PAIN.

HAS ANYONE BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THIS? CAN ANYONE WHO HAS HAD TREATMENT COMMENT ON IF THEY HAD SIMILAR EFFECTS? i ALREADY HAVE A FIBRO DIAGNOSIS FROM IT. I HAVE TAGGED MYSELF WITH CPS BECAUSE I’VE DEALT WITH IT FROM THE BEGINNING. I’VE BEEN MY ONLY ADVOCATE, SO THE INTERNET HAS MADE ME CRAZY, BUT ALSO ALLOWED ME TO UNDERSTAND I WAS NOT CRAZY-MY BODY WAS! CHEMICAL RAPE WAS WHAT I RELATE IT TO-HAPPENED-CALL ME SILKWOOD!

OK, ENOUGH BLATHER. MY QUESTION AGAIN IS–HAS ANYONE HAD SIMILAR EFFECTS DURING TREATMENT-I’M NOT ASKING IF THEY STAYED, I’M SURE THEY WENT AWAY AFTER TIME. I KNOW IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD, BUT I’D APPRECIATE KNOWING…

AS THE SONG SAYS, HOW BIZARRE…

THAT’S WHY I AM A PHOENIX, i’VE BEEN A SURVIVOR UP TIL NOW AND I DON’T PLAN TO QUIT, BUT GEEZ! I JUST CAN’T STAND IT WHEN MY A@@ IS ON FIRE! ~~~P