When you know th fight is over

Pancreatic Cancer
#1

How as a caregiver to a loving wife, do you handle knowing the fight is soon over, when she still has the desire to fight?

I have been dointg this for almost two years and the Onc is at his last option. Laine still has the will and desire to fight. How do we try yo understand. Once this chemo quits working the only thing left is a trial. Walking into something un proven, out of town, and away from our support. How do you face it? how do you tell your wife its over, and its time to accept?. We all, including her know there is no cure. how do we tell them its time to turn it loose and accept?

wish I knew

Ron

#2

I would suggest finding an alternative oncologist to give
another opinion. I would suggest Benjamin Chue, MD

Benjamin Chue, MD, Seattle Cancer Treatment and Wellness
Center (associated with Cancer Treatment Centers of America [CTCA])
Uses integrative approaches including innovative chemo treatment
using ‘metronomic dosing.’

This is where my wife is being treated.

http://www.seattlecancerwellness.com/

The only cancer center in the Northwest where medical oncologists work
side by side with natural medicine practitioners as a collaborative team
in your fight against cancer.
*122 16th Avenue East
Seattle, WA 98112

  • 206-FOR-HOPE
    (206-367-4673)
    1-800-321-9272

For Driving Directions
Click Here http://www.seattlecancerwellness.com/directions.html
Parking is Free

http://www.seattlecancerwellness.com/

Kyle Elwood

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slowhand1843 wrote:

#3

(((((((((((Ron))))))))))))))) ,

There is no easy answer to your questions. There are stages to grieving both before and after a loved one’s death.

I was widowed previously, over 10 years ago and I remember so well going through the processes of grieving. Both of my parents died within 20 months of my husband, so actually I was grieving all three losses at one time and getting tangled up in that web.

I did learn alot … mainly through support groups I attended after losing my hubby and parents. There are actually five stages of grief that people go through when faced with losing a loved one. They are:

      Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

      Anger (why is this happening to me?)

      Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

      Depression (I don't care anymore)

      Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Everyone progresses through the process of grieving at their own pace, and sometimes stay (get caught up) in one of the stages longer than others. It’s also not uncommon to move back to one stage for abit before going ahead to another stage and there is no particular order.

I don’t mean for this to sound CUT AND DRIED … it’s just what I’ve learned from personal experience and also the stages talked about in many, many sites online.

I’m now faced with losing my second husband … this time to PC. When Fred died in 1997, I thought I would never remarry again because I couldn’t stand the pain of losing someone that I loved that much again. I did remarry, and I guess this is the price that I pay for taking the chance of loving again.

I’ve always been a “realist” and I suspect that you are too. The greatest fear that people have is the “fear of the unknown” and I think quite often that is what we are facing when dealing with the death of a loved one. We want our focus to be on LIVING the time that Gary has left and not on the PROCESS OF HIS DYING.

I’ve been a care giver for most of my life, both in my personal life and as a psychiatric nurse. I also know that we need to take care of ourselves, because without our health we aren’t much good to those we are looking after. Sometimes we have to take a deep breath, cry (for ourselves and those we are faced with losing), work at building memories to hold onto later, maintain a strong support system and just do what we can on a day-to-day basis.

Keeping you and Laine in our prayers.

Diane

#4

Subject: Re: [pancreatic-cancer] when you know th fight is over

Wow Ron, Wish I had some great advice for you. The only thing I can suggest is prayer. Please know that you and Laine are both in my prayers.

My view, is to let my husband make the final decision as to what he wants to do. I guess that I see it like this; although we share our lives and the lives of my 2 children and our one young son, in the end, at the very basic level, it’s his life. He is the one facing death. I’m facing a life without him but I’ll still be here.

At this point in our fight I believe that I will support him no matter what
he chooses. If I don’t really agree, I tell him. If it ever gets to the point
where I don’t understand why he’s continuing to fight, I’ll listen to him,
tell him my thoughts, keep standing beside him and do my best to make his wishes happen.

Right now, his PC seems to be kept in check with Tarceva and Gemzar. We both know, I guess we all know, that at some point the chemo stops working. We’re not there yet. Don’t really want to arrive at that point. None of us do. There are miracles. I stopped and thought about that the other day. When he was diagnosed over a year ago and we still didn’t know that the tumor was inoperable, we spoke openly of miracles. Yes, pancreatic cancer is probably the worst cancer to get, but miracles happen.

When we found out the tumor could not be removed, we then spoke of and prayed for a miracle chemo that would destroy the cancer. When that didn’t happen, we spoke of and prayed for the miracle of the chemo working indefinately. At least 5-10 years. That’s asking for a lot.

I realized the other day that we’ve gotten our miracle. Not the first or
even the second one that we asked for but we have received our miracle.

Don’t know how long this miracle will continue, but we do have our miracle.
We watched our oldest graduate from high school and move from central
Missouri to a Chicago suburb to attend college.

We’ve watched our daughter turn 15 and start her high school career.

I think most importantly for us, we not only watched our only child together turn 7 years old but we will soon celebrate his 8th birthday.

My Mom died of cancer many years ago. Up until the last month of her life
when she first went blind and then into a coma, she kept telling all of us that she was going to beat it. We let her have that even when we all realized that she was starting to slip away ever so slowly. We let her fight and loved her the best we could.

I don’t think I’d be able to do that with my husband. I’ll love him and help
him keep fighting any way I can but I won’t pretend that it’s all going good
and the fight is being won when in fact it’s not.

I guess that because we are all special and unique, there is no answer that
fits for all of us. Just love her and do what you think is best for her.
Whether it’s telling her that you believe the fight is over or pretending that
she’s still winning. Whatever is best for Laine and Ron. I pray that you know what it is and have the strength to go through with it. Please know that you have a good support group here and it sounds like your well off with family and friends where you live. I don’t usually write but I read and I pray for everyone.

(((((Hugs)))) to you both. Toni

#5

I guess I also believe that as a spouse/caregiver one of the most important things that we can do for both of us is to keep the lines of communication open … discuss everything and anything. I totally agree with you Toni … in the end it is our spouse who is losing their life and it should be their decision as to how things proceed. Gary and I have the same sort of relationship as it sounds that you and your spouse do … we always feel free to say anything and if we don’t agree, neither of us is afraid to let the other know.

I want for Gary to have control of all decisions for as long as he is able. I will support him in whatever he wants to do, whether I totally agree with his decision or not.

Diane

#6

Ron, I agree with Sunflower and Toni. You have done all you can do. And what a wonderful caregiver you have been. I believe it is now in God’s hands.
God bless both of you. I pray to God to give you strgenth.

Sammi

#7

Ron,
This is my first time posting. I have been reading the boards since May of this year. I wanted to let you know that you and Laine are in my prayers. From what I have read, you have been one of the most supportive and hands on caregivers I have came across.You have done everything humanly possible for your wife. It is in God’s hands.

My husband was diagnosed with pc with mets to his liver in May. We started on Gemzar but he had a lot of complications from the chemo. The oncologist was hopfull that the chemo was working because his tumor marker numbers were coming down. In July, he started having a different kind of pain in his stomach. Took him to the hospital and after a day of testing he was getting fluids built up in his stomach and they had to do a draining. The next day the fluid had built back up already. He was having a hard time urinating. Come to find out, his kidneys were shutting down. Apparently the liver had gotten worse and there was nothing they could do. I went in and talked to him explaining the best I could that there was pretty much nothing more they could do. They could runa bunch more tests and try to get the kidneys working, but at the end of the day, it was not going to help. All Brett wanted was to stop being in pain. He had unbareable pain since March. After talking to the doctors and nurses we decided the fight was over. He went to hospice on Wednesday and passed away on Saturday. We have 5 children between us. Our youngest is 6. It has been like living a really bad nightmare and as a matter of fact, this is my first time really talking about it…
Fight the fight, live everyday the best you can and just tell Laine, everytime you think about it, how much you love her…You two will continue to be in my prayers…

#8

Ton …

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. You have your hands full with all the kids and sometimes that leaves little time for you to grieve.

Take good care of yourself & hang in there.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Diane

#9

Hugs and prayers and my sympathies
Karin LM> To: kalmuel@hotmail.com> From: pancreatic-cancer-cpt6533@lists.careplace.com> Subject: Re: [pancreatic-cancer] when you know th fight is over> Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2007 07:02:37 -0400> >