? Years have passed and the wound is still open and raw? I walked the same path. I understood you.I have been a self taught student of human behavior since I started with the concept (idea) of "Know Thyself "’ before I started tinkering with anyone else. I wanted to know where my fears and shyness came from. I wanted to know why I felt “not as good” or damaged in some way. I wanted to know why with a room filled with humanity of all shapes and sizes and different levels of intellect, did I feel separate and alone. I was not only taught humility it was beaten into me. And through years of unraveling I found I was lied to. I was manipulated. I was taught to be ashamed of my very existence. Not only by family, but by my early teachings from the church. My one positive picture I hold in my mind is one of Jesus with the children with his arms around them in love. You can keep all other depictions. All I want to see is a mirror of love. Have you ever approached some one to hug them and they froze. Have you ever paid a compliment to someone and they couldn’t say a simple thank you. Instead came back with denials of thier beauty or goodness. We live in a wounded society. I think its up to us as individuals to be as loving as we can. To set an example of love. To absorb so much that it spills over onto others. But It starts with me as one person who is continually healing and seeing the good, and love within myself .I wrap my arms around you with warm love, because that is the most precious gift I can offer you. I,ll be your mirror of Love,so you can see yourself as whole and perfect. gramms XOX
May 11, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (3) | Attach file | Edit | Delete


      For years I was totally involved with my first husbands addiction to alcohol. So I was all primed up when my sons started using drugs. They all called me The Narc. I did  all the things that codependants do thinking I was just "trying to hold my family together" I had no life and I had no happiness. I was a champion at wringing my hands, searching all the bars for my drunk husband. And when the boys turned to drugs, I pled with them. prayed for them, flushed the grass, and  turned all the paraphenalia into the cops. Funny how nothing seemed to work. Then a bright light went on, and I joined al-a-non. Thanks to the kind and sensitive people telling thier stories I found out I was a co-dependent mate and parent . I was living with three addicts and I was suffering . Nothing was bothering them. They were all stoned

The time of decision came. Was this the way I was going to live out my life, being warden to three people who had no concern for me.?

By this time the boys were were 17 and 18. They wanted no help and thier father went right along with them. I was the crazy one. I just didn,t know how to have a good time.

It took me 3 months to finalize my divorce. Yes I had put up with enough and was moving fast. The boys went with thier father. The ten year old daughter went with me. I went from a very nice home with all the side dishes to the poverty level. I had to go on welfare till I got a job. It was a kick in the ego but it was better then I had. I never recieved child support. And I never regretted my decision.

  Now Life is full of terrific addictions.I had a brother-in-law that was addicted to ice cream and banana pudding . I stopped crocheting because I don,t know how to stop. I'll drown in afghans. Right now as you all know my addiction is collecting jp,s and animated gifs or just anything plain funny. I,m all in favor of addictions. As long as it doesn,t make you sick or sorry. I,m a totally self serving fool nowadays and have learned to enjoy life 

        The most important thing I learned is to not get involved in other peoples addictions. It's none of my business. My choice is to run like hell in the other direction. I,m not letting anyone getting between me and my happiness any more. So here's to addicts. Choose wisely. Run 5 miles, eat ice cream, collect buttons, anything legal. 

But if you want to choose suicide, do it on your own.

May 3, 2007 | Permalink | Write a Comment | Attach file | Edit | Delete


A very dear friend of mine pointed something out to me today that made me realize something very important about myself. As you all understand and know, each of us have been very programmed in early childhood. And little by little layers are peeled back in life to reveal to us what ideas we are basing our behavior on. My programming was negative. I was called stupid, spoken to with derision and disgust and beaten. I lived in fear. We were not allowed opinions. Other people say to me “well that was the way back then.” I didn,t sit up straight enough , so a board was attached to the back of my chair with nails in it. Believe me , I learned to sit up straight. I learned not to ask for anything and was taught not to expect anything more then the most basic needs. A roof, food that was served , and complete obedience. Just enough clothing to get by. and at Christmas a new coat , an orange and a new pair of mittens. No toys or frivolous wants were allowed. When TV came along we were not allowed to watch because it was non-educational. Punishment added was to copy a full page from the encyclopedia starting with aardvark.

I grew up with an excellent vocabulary and knees that knocked from fear.My shyness was obvious and I compensated by trying to scare people away by screaming and throwing things.

As I,ve mentioned before I,ll be 70 next November. And I,m still reacting to criticism or what I percieve to be criticism. It still hurts. The child within me is alive and well. Well I,m going to make a new promise to my friends today.

I Marjorie aka gramms am going to try to be less thin skinned in the future. I,m going to try to grow up and kick off another cobweb that I don,t need. I,m going to try to be more patient and not get pissed off when I read certain things. And yes, I,m going to rely on my new friends to support me in my efforts and to be patient with me also. After all I truly believe we need each other to keep on the path and practice goodness.

We are all products of our programming and life experience. I think we all have to remember that to be a loving friend. I am going to try harder. Warm hugs to my friends on Careplace. I,m grateful for each and every one of you. XOX

April 30, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (2) | Attach file | Edit | Delete

WOW, GRAMS, WOW, I thought that I had a messed up childhood and marrage. But your words really hit home with me. I still feel wounded and damaged at times, even to this day. I too beleive, that what you go through in life, makes you the person you are today. I tend to put other peoples needs before mine. I’m a caregiver I took care of my alcoholic husband for 18 years before he threaten my life one too many times and I divorced also. I also went to Alanon where I learned that I could learn to ignor his mean words when he was drunk. I lost my only chance at having a child at age 30 in December 1990. I have been on disabilty for major recurrant depression ever since. I now have several other illnesses and have been in and out of the hospital.
In September of 2005 I went to a weight loss Dr. and lost 60 pounds. I became less depressed and was hiking 3 to 5 times a week. I had made a lifestyle change and I felt great. I dropped from a size 22 to a 16. I loved to buy clothing. (something I had always hated to do) My self esteem was comeing back. I started dating and met Addel. I was winning the hardest battle of my life. I was coming out of my depression. I was caring about taking care of my self again. My goal weight was in site. I was even talking to my therpist about going back to work.
Than BAM, Breast Cancer, a new battle to fight. I thew my all into it. 100% focused in it. Books, internet, questions. The life style change went out the window. I stoped eating heathly and ate what ever was quick. I am a black and white thinker, all or nothing. I put 20 Lbs. back on. I had the lumpectomy and am finishing up the radiation. The depression is creeping it’s way back into my life. My self esteem is low. I found this site right from the beggining and have made many friends and have gotten lots of support. I went to the social worker that deals with just cancer, on Wensday and she told me that I have been so busy dealing with the treatments, that I haven’t delt with the emotional side of having cancer yet and it won’t hit me until I’m done with the treatments. She was just warning me so I can be prepaired. It is kinda true. My mind has been focused on treatments. I haven’t thought much about recurance in the future. Is this what others have gone through?

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