All opinions welcome- what do you think about this?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I would like to get some feedback on this situation. I welcome all opinions.

A man I know tells me that he has fallen in love with a woman he works with. She is married and has a young daughter. Her husband is in prison for domestic violence. He divorce is pending, and while they have been out a couple of times, about six months ago, she won’t progress any further in the relationship because of her religious beliefs about divorce. That’s what she tells him after a couple of dates, anyway. She won’t go out with him now.

He told me that he just googled her name and stumbled upon her dv court records. Curious, he looked them up and found a graphic legalese description of her abuse and rape. He then described it to me in detail, telling me that he just felt sick over it.

I understand the compassion he claims to feel. I just don’t understand why anyone would look at court records of such a sensitive nature - once they knew what they were reading. And - why elaborate over the details? She obviously hadn’t shared that with him.

What are your opinions about this?

#2

If you stumbled on such info, would you read on? I don’t know if I would. I say I wouldn’t, but I say that from outside the situation.

#3

If I stumbled on it? It’d be hard to resist knowing things about people I cared about. I don’t know that I’d go around telling other people about it though.

#4

Here’s the weird part. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that, by telling me, he wanted sympathy. For himself. I told him to be careful not to let on to her because she might feel violated that he had taken it upon himself to access the info. I would be uncomfortable at the least to know that a coworker had done this. He became angry and said that you “don’t care anything about me - I am traumatised by this information about the woman I love”

Oh KAY - but they aren’t even dating…

I appreciate your responses!! Thanks

#5

I think its disgusting that those records are published on the web.

A total disgrace.

How very humiliating. Being abused and raped, and having the details put out for the world to see.

If this man is interested in/loves this woman, he would be curious. Are you bothered because he shared the details with you? The woman obviously is denied the option to share or otherwise, thanks to the laws and the systems that supposedly protect us.

As if reporting a rape and your abuse was not bad enough but to have it permananently in the public domain is just horrific.

#6

I think info is way too accessible on the internet. What bothers me is that they are not actually dating anymore and he chose to google her name. It really bugs me that he told me specific details - details she chose not to share with him, details that he had to go digging for. It kinda creeped me out.

#7

I wouldn’t want somebody digging around my personal life uninvited. Its a bit of an invasion of privacy, and it is way to easy to do that with simple google searches nowadays. People following my exes stories have been pulling up criminal records for all to see… even the 911 calls are available. People have a right to privacy and to choose what private things they share with others.

#8

basically its violation and lack of respect or acknowledging boundaries…it was up to HER to tell him.the gory details if she wished!.he was bang out of orderthere.
i could never do that to be honest…would feel’dirty"and as if id violated someones rights really.

#9

I agree with the rest. It’s not a good thing to go around announcing it to people. I don’t want to sound judgmental but it kinda shows that this guy has no respect for other people’s privacy (for future reference just be careful about the things you discuss with him).

#10

Hi.

Well. I also felt that it violated her boundaries. I feel like this is some mild form of stalking her. The reason I asked for other opinions is that I come from an abused perspective. I struggle not to perceive the world the way I did 12-17 years ago, but I can empathise with someone recently out of a dv situation. The world is a scary place. It’s been 12 years since I left that situation, but since it’s how I feel, percieve it, it might be how she feels. I tried to explain that to him, telling him to keep it to himself, but he went ballistic. He turned it all around to me abusing him, and just NOT GETTING IT. I was a little taken aback, but I admit there is always that possibility, so that’s why I wanted other opinions.

You folks are very sweet - thank you.

#11

I completely agree Angelina and am sorry this hit a cord in you r history.

the worst and original perpetrator of course is the authority that exposed her in the first place.

#12

Thanks again. Angelina, I felt the same way. I was alarmed that he took the trouble to google, if that’s what he did. As defensive as he got, I wondered if he might have taken the trouble to access records not available by googling. He has been talking about her for a long time, before and after the dates they had.

Yes, being abused or stalked does heighten awareness, doesn’t it? I had a little moment, too. After one blind date, I was stalked by a man who worked for the water company. I never gave him my phone #, but perhaps from my auto license #, he was able to get my address, and from that, my cell phone #, not published, but listed with the water company as a second contact. He would call me and tell me he was driving past my house, and ask me to step out and wave at him. He had his 16 year old daughter, who I had never met, call and ask me to dinner. I quickly learned to ignore his calls.
On the day I moved he called to ask where I was moving to. I had only ordered the shut-off, no turn-on at a new address. I moved in with a girlfriend for a while, before moving next door. Turns out he reads the meters in my neighborhood.
I really think people who haven’t had this type of thing happen to them don’t realise the lengths these people will go to to obtain information.

#13

Hmm…

I’m a person who believes secrets can be toxic so I welcome anyone interested in me to find things out about me. I dont thbink there’s anything in my past, even my traumas that makes me look like a big risk as a potential partner, however, if there was, and my prospective partner wanted to bail then I think thats a good thing, better he/she finds out earlier rather than later when I can be accused of lying by ommission.

Having said that, even if legal records were not accessible online, they are a matter of public record and accessible somewhere. Unfortunately (or fortunately) thats the culture we live in and its a fact of life.

The only thing we can do is either choose to live a life that doesnt include things we wouldnt ever want anyone to know, or take the responsibility not to leave a trail for people to discover if we dont live a pristine life.

I dont know, I’m a big believer in accepting the consequences of my behaviour if I dont ponder the behaviour enough ahead of time.

The only thing that bothers me about this story is the guy who had obvious interest and feelings for this woman. If that were true what is he doing discussing things with a mere acquaintance rather than a trusted close confidante? That part doesnt make sense. Discussing things with a close friend makes sense, I’ve done that with my gf’s MANY times. Someone who feels free enough to blab that kind of information to a mere acquaintance I dont think cares very much about the other woman, in fact it seems a clear demonstration he didnt care much at all from the get go.

I also, when I was single and dating 10 years ago belonged to a community of singles in which it was encouraged and supported that we ask for others opinions of someone else in that community if we wanted feedback. It kept predators at a disadvantage and let the rest of us feel a little safer. I imagine way back when we were more communal, and living in smaller villages and towns that kind of healthy gossip was a part of life. Mothers and fathers knew whom they didnt want their children courting. So that concern seems like a healthy and normal thing to me.

I know for myself, after having been in an abusive relationship, anybody I see has to be patient and tolerant while he/she is “checked out”, and that could mean just about anything. If thats a problem for them I’m Ok with them leaving for easier pastures.

#14

Oh yeah, as far as the original subject. There was no need to go into graphic details with you about a third person. I’d have my radar up with this guy. Even with the N girlfriend I described, I still wouldn’t share any of her deep dark secrets. There is no call for it. He could’ve just skirted the issues with you instead of embarrassing her behind her back. If the issues even mattered at all.

As far as the guy snooping around, I’d be aware of him too. He sounds just socially awkward but just let your radar work. Must be nice on some level to have someone sniffing around? No?

#15

there it is again…the opposite sex parent attraction thing…!
i am starting to think that the imago theory is far more than just a theory…!?

#16

From definitions.uslegal.com :

 STALKING.

A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order.

Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.

 

It doesnt appear that searching through publicly accessible documents is considered stalking.

#17

“It doesnt appear that searching through publicly accessible documents is considered stalking.”

Maybe it should be. There’s plenty of ways to violate people’s rights and privacies that aren’t considered illegal. Monitoring people online and gathering information seems to be an issue with Cyberstalking, especially when used for harassment or its known having the information would cause the victim distress.

If you’ve got a stalker and they’re pulling up your records, I feel very bad for you.

#18

Well maybe stalking was too strong a term for what happened to me. All he did was get my address from my license #, phone # from records from where he worked. I guess that’s not illegal.

It posed no threat that I knew of at the time.

Maybe I should have said “unwelcome,unauthorized snoopy unremitting amorous pursuit but ok since he wanted me”

#19

DBE

just to calrify I was refering to the case you posted originally and asked for feedback for.

You can call your personal experience whatever you want to. Trust your gut. If it feels bad, walk away.

#20

I think what bothered me about my acquaintance is that she won’t go out with him again, but he keeps trying to get information about her. Personally, if someone doesn’t want me, that’s enough for me. I’ll direct my energies elsewhere. Harassment might have been a more accurate term for what happened to me.

Now why this bothered me was his total oblivion to what I was trying to suggest to him. That’s why I posted it on this forum.

I appreciate the responses.