Books that help you grow

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Many of us are doing our own research and I felt others could benefit from what we’re reading. Please take a moment to talk about what you’ve read (and not necessarily on narcissim) and provide a brief critique. I think this would go a long way in helping careplace members.

Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss, James F. Masterson, James F. Masterson

I liked this book, very helpful a general overview in easy to understand terms. Also had some good insights into my own behavior.

Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

This is like the bible on Narcissism. Excellent reference material. Can be difficult to grasp (I had to use a dictionary sometimes, lol) however, I got alot out of it.

Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter, Julia Sokol, Julia Sokol

Asking for this book at Barnes & Noble was hilarious! It took some courage, but I throughly enjoyed it! Lots of references to relationships, many stories of what happend to others in relationships with Narcissists. I’ve found this book the most helpful.

Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie

Very good, gave me lots of insight into my own behavior. Refers to alcoholics alot which I found a bit annoying however the underlying message is not lost.

#2

Doubledee,Girlfriend,
You have come a long way!!!I was reading another of your postings regarding "Clarity"as it relates to your revelations as you read "Help,im inlove with a Narcissist"You also mentioned that Its either you or him and that you no longer feel sorry for him.This is a big step and a great place to be.I thought to myself that as we read,learn,heal and move on,it is important to continue posting so that others can be encouraged.
Thank you for listing the names of books that were helpful to you.
Healed1

#3

Thank you healed1 I definately have more clarity. And I want to make it clear that I still love and miss my Ex. And although I understand NPD I still find it incredible the lenghts to which these people will go. It’s fascinating and terrifying. The only way to stop the madness is to take control of the only thing you have control over. YOURSELF. To expect him to understand, give you space, let it go, admit wrong doing, value your relationship, value your time or money, respect you or family, love or care for you when your sick is completely unrealistic. I don’t want a relationship with someone who breaks me down. It’s him or me and I choose me.

#4

Excellent !!!

I was planning on posting a topic what books do people recomend to read. There are many on narcissism and its hard to know where to start.

Thanks so much for this. I look forward to reading everyones sugestions.

Good you are feeling some better.

#5

Doubledee that was well said,because most of my pain have come from the confusion that arises when i feel love for him, question the insensitive things he has done and said to me,remember all the sweet things he did and said to me at times,remenber all the love and caring that i showed him,and know that i have to love myself and put me first.Yet i still love the person that i fell in love with but not the one that i have grown to know.
At the end of the day,N`s are unhealthy and life is too short.
Healed1

#6

I agree 100%

I think the worst of it is how confusing it all is…how mixed all the feelings are…

I too miss my friend so much it hurts . I tell me hes not that person really, not the one I miss…hes this N …but I still care about him and feel cheated that now I know how he works kinda hes no longer around for me to know how to be with him … I know I probably behaved the worst way possible while we were friends…but hey I thought he was a NORMAL human being at the time…

Im trying very hard to tell me Im better off with him not being part of my life now…but I cant convince me. Im so wanting to call him cos he was so nice last time we spoke…and I want to tell him about my mum cos I do think hed care …

For now Im resisting the urge…

Id defo not want an N as my partner a friend was hard enough…

#7

Well I’m on to reading another book, I pick it up tomorrow. It was recommended by someone on this forum and I ordered it from barnes & noble.

When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself
by W. Keith Campbell

I’m not in the best of moods today. After reading “Help I’m in Love with a Narcissist” I cut off all contact with my Ex. He hasn’t made it easy either. He called me all week, stopped by the house on Sunday and then on Monday he started calling again. One of his messages saying “Dee, tell me what I did wrong, why won’t you speak to me?” It’s funny but after everything he’s done that message broke my heart. I’ve often said how do you keep saying no to someone you love? I sent him an email telling him how I felt and reiterating no contact please move on. Now I’m sitting here feeling sad. This is so fcukin hard!!! I am convinced that he’s a narcissist. Every time I read one of these books it’s like reading a page from my life. Sometimes I get upset and want to throw the book across the room. This is the last book I plan to read. After this book it’s time to put the pieces of me back together again. Now that I understand him, I must take a long hard look at myself.

#8

Hi DoubleDee - Just read your post from last Thurs. He’s still bothering you and you’re still dealing with him. Me too.
I’m so emotionally numb and wanting of real affection…something I know I’ll never get from him. I’m still his “narcissistic fix” - I wish he’d find another, although it about killed me when he did before. I can so relate to what you said about his phone message being the saddest thing and how it broke your heart.
Stay strong girl. I got to the point I couldn’t read about NPD anymore and tried to work on myself. Counseling helped, but I haven’t totally evicted him from my life. I want to read the books you recommended…

p.s. how did the summer romance work out??

#9

Book Reccommendation: Conscious Loving-The Journey to Co-Commitment ; Hendricks.

I recommend this book not because it discusses narcissism, but because it’s one of the best books I’ve come accross that describes and outlines what a healthy relationship looks like and each individual’s responsibility IN that relationship. It often speaks as though advising a couple on what steps to take to have a healthy relationship, one based on co-committment rather than co-dependance,…but you need not be involved in a relationship to gain a lot of knowledge from this book. It is refreshing to study what ‘healthy’ looks like, as opposed to what “unhealthy” looks like. I’ve already read just about anything I can about narcissism and what is unhealthy…and as the song goes…I don’t want to study war no more…

Best, Sue

#10

Hi,

Healthy vs. Unhealthy

These may be of help - click on the links:

Surviving the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive
Narcissists

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html

The Dependent Patient - A Case Study

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html

Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

The Cult of the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html

The Narcissist’s Victims

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq38.html

Take care.

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “smg” npd-cpt5763@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 6:11 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Books that help you grow

#11

Wondering, I have been trying to respond to you for days! lol Yes he still contacts me and I’m learning to deal with it. I fell off the wagon and had a long conversation with him. He told me how messed up I was and how he didn’t want to be subjected to my issues and that’s why he left. I breathed a sigh and said OK then just go, what are you holding on for. I certainly wouldnt’ hold on to you if I was so unhappy. With all the damage you’ve done I would have preferred if you just left me. He didn’t know what to say to that. I found it quite funny. So what I’m saying is I’m not sure trying to forget is the answer. Knowledge is power. When you understand Narcissim you will understand the man. You won’t be able to predict the behavior but you will know what you’re dealing with when you see it. You can say Oh! That’s him trying to project his issues on to me! I’m not going to let him do that. Or, hey, that’s him not accepting responsibility for his actions again. I’m not going to let him do that either. When you understand Narcissism you understand what belong to you and what has nothing to do with you no matter what he tells you. CLARITY. And with that clarity comes forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for him. He has a problem and you can walk away from it.

The summer romance fizzled. I called it off when I realized I wasn’t ready. I wanted to unload some of this baggage before I get into another relationship. Get comfortable with Dee again and besides, I’m really enjoying my solitude.

SMG, Thanks for posting that book. There comes a time when we need to focus on our own issues. The first step for me was understanding Narcissim and the second step is understanding myself and why I’m attracted to these types of men. It’s been an interesting journey and not all the revelations have been pleasant. A book on healthy relationships sounds like an excellent idea. Since I’ve never had a healthy relationship it would be nice to read about how one works.

Mr. Vaknin, Thank you for your input. Your book has been the cornerstone of my education on this disorder. It was the first book I purchased and one I go back to again and again as reference.

I hope that others will keep this thread alive by posting whatever books or articles that gave you insight or hope. After dealing with Narcissim we all need hope.

#12

Hi,
Have just read Help, I’m in love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I found this book very helpful, was a bit slow to being with but picked up at the end. A very good read.
Thank you DoubleDee for the recommendation.
Regards T

#13

Hi - to add to the pile:

“When your lover is a liar” by Melody Beatty was my bible! great help from that book!
“Women who love to much” by Robin Norwood (scary to find yourself laying on the operating table)

and naturally; “out of the shadows”, by Patrick Carnes.

All good reads!

Inge

#14

Thank you for your input! Yes “Help I’m in Love With a Narcissist” is a little slow in the beginning. I think because you just want to get to the point already!!! However I found the stories of other people’s experiences invaluable by the end of the book. I didn’t feel alone, like I was the only person on the planet dealing with this mess. It also put my experiences in perspective.

I read “When Your Lover is A Liar” very good also! Sorry I didn’t put that one down!!! I’m going to reread that one. The Ex is still contacting me and I’m sure he’s LYING his A.S.S. off. I love these books, they help keep me grounded in reality. And “Women Who Love too Much” sounds really familiar. I think I read it or I have it someplace.

#15

You might read Enhancing the Good by Dr. JoAnn Cannon
— DoubleDee npd-cpt5763@lists.careplace.com wrote:

~--------------- sent
via careplace.com
~-~ DoubleDee posted the message below in the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum.
~-~ The entire conversation can be found here:
http://www.careplace.com/forum/topic/5763
~-~ To respond to this message, reply to this email
or sign in to CarePlace.com
~-~ To start a new conversation, email
npd@lists.careplace.com or sign in to CarePlace.com
~-~ To see DoubleDee’s profile, go here:
http://www.careplace.com/view/DoubleDee
~--------------- all
text below this line will be cut off in your reply

Thank you for your input! Yes “Help I’m in Love With
a Narcissist” is a little slow in the beginning. I
think because you just want to get to the point
already!!! However I found the stories of other
people’s experiences invaluable by the end of the
book. I didn’t feel alone, like I was the only
person on the planet dealing with this mess. It also
put my experiences in perspective.

I read “When Your Lover is A Liar” very good also!
Sorry I didn’t put that one down!!! I’m going to
reread that one. The Ex is still contacting me and
I’m sure he’s LYING his A.S.S. off. I love these
books, they help keep me grounded in reality. And
“Women Who Love too Much” sounds really familiar. I
think I read it or I have it someplace.

__
To control the emails you receive from CarePlace, go
to http://www.careplace.com/account-notifications

  ____________________________________________________________________________________

Check out the hottest 2008 models today at Yahoo! Autos.
http://autos.yahoo.com/new_cars.html

#16

This book looks good, anyone read it yet?

Share your own customer images

Search inside this book

When He’s Only Into Himself …: A Memoir & Guide to Understanding a Narcissist (Paperback)
by Ella Scott (Author)

No customer reviews yet. Be the first.

List Price: $14.99
Price: $14.99 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25. Details

Availability: In Stock. Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.

Only 1 left in stock–order soon (more on the way).

Want it delivered Wednesday, September 26? Order it in the next 18 hours and 15 minutes, and choose One-Day Shipping at checkout. See details

12 used & new available from $10.77

Also Available in: List Price: Our Price: Other Offers:
Hardcover $22.99 $22.99 10 used & new from $17.92

Keep connected to what’s happening in the world of books by signing up for Amazon.com Books Delivers, our monthly subscription e-mail newsletters. Discover new releases in your favorite categories, popular pre-orders and bestsellers, exclusive author interviews and podcasts, special sales, and more.

Editorial Reviews

Book Description
Awareness of the pernicious epidemy of pathological narcissism has been steadily growing over the last decade and has resulted in a prodigious and copious output of self-help guides,textbooks,and personal memories. Still,in all this cornucopia,it is difficult to find something akin to Ella’s work:part textbook,part self-help tome,part personal and painful memoir. Narcissists are an elusive breed. They are shape-shifters and the nature of the disorder renders them alien,a sub-species of cunning artificial intelligence. Their ability to mimic human emotions is unsuprpassed,their charm sometimes irresistible,and their thespian skills unequalled. Narcissists defy,therefore,well-intentioned compilations of warning signs and batteries of psychological diagnostic tests. There is scarcely anything more painful than self-delusion. The narcissist is a cardboard cutout,the mere projection of a false self,unable to love,empathize,get intimate,or commit. Loving the narcissist is an exercise in protracted futility that invariably ends in heartbreak. What you see is never what you get. The narcissist is a drug addict. His psychological survival as a coherent,functional whole depends on the attention he garners(often,coerces)from others. He is a singleminded,single-purpose automaton. Behind the elaborate facade of these Potemkin humans lurks the void. The only way to effectively defend against a narcissist is to learn from the harrowing experiences of those who fell prey to the narcissist’s advances and were subsequently victimized by him(or,more rarely,her).The emerging genre of victim lit is seriously enhanced by Ella’s contribution. She has gone to great lengths to acquaint herself with the latest scholarly literature and to scrutinize her own encounters with narcissists with brutal honesty. The result is a compelling narrative:the detailed anatomy of two failed relationships with narcissistic men sagely set in the framework of the most current knowledge about the disorder. Makes for a riveting tour de force of the tortured landscapes of the la-la lands of malignant self-love. SamVaknin,author of"Malignant Self-love-Narcissism Revisited"

#17

This is for dragonflywings. She asked about books, so I wanted to bring this post back to the top of the list.

#18

May I also add

real growth, not just growing understanding, but growth from within that makes us better men and women is done through relationships. Its WITH other people.

The value of books and the internet when we’re confused and in pain and need some different, clear information coming into our baffled minds from the cool expanse of the outside cant be measured. When a lightbulb goes off and we can say “THATS whats been going on, thank gawd, now I know I’m not crazy” we know the money we spent on those books was worth every penny.

I’m not certain though that growing understanding has the same impact on our growth as human beings as when in our relating to our N’s, we make choices we didnt know we had before, when we see them in a different way and act accordingly.

Or probably more importantly,

when we spend more time in relationships with other people, supportive family, loving friends, and eventually new partners.

Its when we stay with our hearts open, giving and receiving, dealing with conflict, being generous, supportive, knowing when to leave room for other people’s growth that we become better people.

Thats what I want.

I used to want to encourage my ex’s growth because he was so immature and emotionally underdeveloped when I knew him.

Thats changed now.

Now, I know, life’s about becoming a better person…me…growing not in spite of my ruined relationsip with a N, but because of it…trial by fire, rising from the ashes more spectacular than before to have better relationships, stronger connections, greater respect and tenderness for people…and finding it coming back to me too.

lets read our books and then go out and be with people.

#19

Here ya go.

#20

if you reqad the john powell book…he states that in the bible…somewere…god says…if you dont have a bloody good time while you are here…he wont be happy!(good enough for me!)…i was really surprised by this book.as i am not overly religious…but itisnt bible bashing stuff…i was surprised as he is a jesuit priest…!