Breast cancer in young women

Breast Cancer
#1

My only daughter was diagnosed with stage one, grade three cancer just about four weeks ago. She has already had the mastectomy and has started the process of reconstructive breast surgery. She is only 32, married, and no children. She had just started to think about having a family when this happened.

The cancer is estrogen driven and very aggressive. We see the oncologist this coming week. We were to see him two weeks later, but when eight of the 19 lymph nodes were positive, her chemo was moved up.

Right now, we are just walking zombies, trying to take care of her, and not scare her any more than she already is. As her mom, I am so scared of the chemo and what it will do to her. I wish it was me instead of her.

I’m interested to hear from family members who are also taking care of loved ones with breast cancer, and how they are dealing with it, and what can I do to make it easier for my daughter to get through this.

We don’t have a big family, but we are all ready to do whatever it takes to help her through this. Even shaving our heads!

I would also like to hear from women in her age group who have beat the big C, and gone on to have families.

How do I get around to not wanting to cry all the time? Her dad is so freaked out, I’m scared for him. Please help us!

Debbie

#2

When I was diagnosed 4 years ago it was of course a great shock to all of us.  I was 43 with 2 young sons.  My husband and children always depended on me for everything.  Now they had to depend on themselves.  My husband was in denial.  He acted like nothing was wrong.  He didn’t help at all.  He would act surprised that I couldn’t make dinner and clean the house any more.  I would beg him not to leave me in the morning when he went to work.  I was scared of dying because the chemo made me so extremely sick.  He would just walk out and act like nothing.  My mom on the other hand was great.  She came and stayed with us for quite a few weeks and helped with the cooking and housework.  She was so good to me.  I had friends who called every day and supported me so wonderfully.  But there were other friends and family members who wouldn’t call me at all.  they avoided me.  It scared them too much.  Everyone reacts to it differently.  So you learn to lean on the supportive ones and don’t judge too harshly the others who are too scared to help.  What helped me the most was knowing my mom and my best friend were there by my side the whole time and that my kids were being taken care of.  Knowing that put my mind at ease so I could concentrate on getting better.  That’s the best thing you can do is let your daughter know you are there for her no matter what.  When you need to cry, you cry, but try not to do it around her.  Show her your strong and she will feel strong. 

#3

I am not right now what you would call a survivor but hope to be someday. I am 39 and was diagnosed with stage 2 estrogen driven breast cancer. I have two biological children and two very young adopted children so I am very scared for them but I wanted to tell you how lucky your daughter is to have you. Your love and support will help her through this if only all of us could have a mom like you it would make a scary time like this easier to get through. I too will be starting chemo soon an I am scared to death.  What treatment is sge getting, I am getting all of the medications at one time for 6 treatments instead of the 8 treatments where the meds are split in two different sets of treatments. The doctor told me it will knock me on my butt and I will definately lose my hair within three weeks, and I am going to try and still be a mom. Hopefully your daughter will be able to have children after but if not adopting has been one of the most rewarding thing I have ever done and I couldn't love them any more than I do. I wish your daughter the very best.

Monique

#4

Hi Mom, It is me, Suzie. She finally convinced me to join the site. I feel that it is very important to have all the support you can get. I am the luckiest person in the world to have a mom like her. She is amazing and wonderful and all the other things you can say. It is such a rough road, but I know I don’t walk it alone. I believe that what is happening to me is happening to my entire family. We face this together, and no one person is less important than the other. All the emotions are the same whether they have the treatment or not. And I would never have her do this instead of me. Being young gives me an advantage. I am scared, but I don’t believe anyone could scare me more than I already am. I want to be able to talk about everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I start chemo in a few weeks, after a few million x-rays. I am already tired of being pooked, and it has not even started yet.

#5

Hi Suzie,
I know what you mean about being poked, scanned and xrayed, I have had more than in my whole 39 years, yikes. I start my treatments on April 3rd and even tommorow I have to have another mamo and a bone scan coming up. We are young and can fight this and win. I still have my bad moments but in whole I try and keep a positive attitude. There are alot of us out there and so many of them are kind and want to help us get through this. I love this site this seems to be one of the best to meet kind people. Have you signed up for the Look Good Feel Better given by the Cancer Society? I have heard it is great, I am going tommorow. Take Care and we can talk again, we will conquer this…together!:slight_smile:

Monique (4kmom)

#6

Hi fourkmom,

It is nice to have a place to vent.  I have found that everyone is very eager to help.  Do tell me, what was the look good feel goo thing like.  It sounds like something I would be interested in.  I know that I will be starting chemo in a few weeks myself.  I want to go look at wigs soon.  I told my husband that I would let him shave my head when it starts to fall out.  I have really long hair now.  My oncologist says that I should go ahead and get it cut short so it won't be so drastic.  I am having a hard time bring myself to do that.  What do you think? 

#7

Hi Suzie-  I hope you don't mind me jumping in and giving you some advise on the hair loss/hair cut.  I had really thick long curly hair when I was diagnosed.  My doctor told me I would lose it all by the second treatment so I should be prepared and cut my hair short so I wouldn't be so shocked.  Well, to be honest nothing can prepare you for the day your hair starts to fall out.  12 days after my first treatment I was getting ready to take my son to a birthday party.  I went in the bathroom to brush my hair and as I just touched it with my hands, it started coming out in giant clumps.  I did get it cut before hand, but it was still very shocking.  I didn't know what to do so I stuck a hat on my head (it was winter) and ran out the door.  I didn't mention it to my husband or anyone.  When we got back from the party I took my hat off and it was full of hair.  It was just falling out in giant clumps.  I had bought a wig already so I was somewhat prepared.  I called the wig shop up and the girl told me to come right over.  She shaved my head and refitted my wig and styled it for me.  It was like getting a great new hair style.  No one could tell it was a wig.  I have to say that I was scared to show my husband and family my head once it was shaved.  It was a big adjustment.  I did cry that night.  But once I got my cry out of me I was ok.  I soon realized that a wig is very hot and itchy.  After spending $450 for this great wig I have to say it was a waste.  I ended up going to the dollar store and buying bandana's in every color to match all my outfits.  It was very comfortable to wear them and before I knew it, I didn't feel embarrassed about my bald head at all.  In fact I often went out without anything on my head at all.  No one stared.  No one made me feel funny.  I realized that no one can make me feel bad if I don't let them.  Nothing can get me down if I don't allow it.  I was empowered.  The look good feel better program is fantastic.  I would suggest everyone to check it out.  Its a fun afternoon and you get to meet lots of other women going through the same thing you are.  We are all strong women and we will not let this disease get us down.  We are all here for you.  Don't ever feel you are alone. 

 

ps- My husband and sons also shaved their heads when I lost all my hair and we had lots of laughs over it.

#8

Thank you so much for the tip.  My husband already shaved his head for me, but it was not really that drastic because he use to wear it that way all the time.  But it is the thought that counts.  I accepted that it would just fall out like that.  I cried just reading your story.  I decided that my hair has become part of my personality.  Like an extension of me.  Long and blonde.  Most people who can’t remeber my name call me blondey.  I know that I will overcome this.  It will only make me stronger, but I guess I am a little vain.  I try not to be.  I have heard that the wigs are really hot.  I figure I will get one for special occasions, but I will probably be like you and stick to hats and scarfs.  I try to tell myself it will take half the time the get ready in the morning, but I feel like I will look like a freak.

#9

You wouldn’t be human if it didn’t effect you greatly.  Its just such a drastic thing for a woman to go through.  Hair is so important to us.  For the first week I went to sleep with a cotton hat on my head.  I refused to let anyone see me bald.  But then I looked at my kids and I felt I had to show them that I was ok and there was nothing for them to worry about.  So I asked them if they wanted to see me bald and if it would bother them.  They meekly replied that they wanted to see me and that they wouldn’t get freaked out.  So I showed them and they were so reassuring.  It really made me feel better.  They were so encouraging through the entire ordeal.  And you know what?  It really didn’t seem like I was bald for very long at all.  As soon as the chemo was done it started growing back.  And it came in super thick and curly.  My hair is more beautiful now than before I had chemo.  It truly is.  Everyone comments on how beautiful my hair is now. 

#10

I have heard that you hair comes back more beautiful than before.  Do you think it is because we appreiciate that much more?  But you are right, it won’t be for long. I have a step daughter, but no other children.  I guess I waited too long.  But, my family is wonderful.  I am so lucky.  When I had a mastecomty and reconstruction, my sister and some very close girl friends were dying to see what it looked like.  Now whenever I see them, they want to see how it is healing.  I think they are just amazed at how natural it looks.  I am sure they excepted something gruesome.  I am sure they will be the same why about my bald head.  It will help to see peolpe not get so shocked by it.

#11

Wow, I'm so glad Suzie has come here.  You guys told her stuff that I am sure will help.  Thanks so much.

Debbie

#12

Hi Suzie,

We sound alike, I am also blonde and have my hair half way down my back. I too have been told to change to a shorter style to lessen the shock. Well I haven't been able to do it yet but like Jo says I think even if it is short it is going to be one of the hardest things, especially when it shows our girly side. I know that is one thing I am extremely scared to see happen, is my hair coming out, I also told my husband he has to shave it for me. The Look Good, Feel Better is through the American Cancer Society. You cll the number and they let you know when the classes are in your area. I have to tell you I walked into a room where I was the youngest by 10 years but quickly made friends. Of course, I am an emotional softy and I felt soooooo sad to be sitting in that room but when they put this video on that talked about our hair loss and showed all of the women with no hair, I cried. I was the only one in the room crying but I did get some hugs and by the end of class we were laughing. It was a very positive thing to go to, plus you leave with makeup, hats, scarves and even wigs. Call 1-800-ACS-2345. I know it will help, it did for me. And now I even exchanged phone numbers with another lady with breast cancer that just started her treatment last week, she lives 5 minutes from me. Good Luck..Lets get through this together:)

Monique (4kmom)

#13

Hey again, 

I just wanted to let you know I called that number as soon as you gave it to me, and I am going to that class on Monday.  It sounds like fun, and very helpful.  I hope to make some friends myself.  I can't thank you enough for the info.  I have been talking to my best friend about things.  But I get the feeling that she is here for me, but can't quite handle everything.  I have decided to talk to her about the normal stuff, and keep talking here.  And if I make a friend in the class.   My mom is going to have to drive me because I haven't been cleared to drive, and we are placing bets that everyone will think she is the patient.  Thank you again.  They were so wonderful on the phone.  I really want to be active in these kind of things.  It is good for us.  And I am better at helping other people.  Which I know in return will help me.  And you.  Definitely in this together.

#14

Hi,

I am soooo glad you called because it is good to go to and that number you csn use for lots of things. They can help get you rides, but you sound like you have an awesome mom, they also can match you up with a survivour with the same type of cancer and they try for around your age. That also is a nice thing. I totally know what you are talking about my friends try and help but I think they are scared and sad for us and don't really know what to do. I have spoken to the lady I met at the class and it was great. I love you guys but it is nice to actually get to talk and do things with someone going through the same stuff. You will be so happy you went. Let me know what you thought after you go!!!!Take Care:)

Monique

#15

Hi Monique,

Well I went to the Look Good Feel Good class and was very disappointed.  There were only 2 other ladies in the class, and one of them had pancreatic cancer.  The volunteer running the class was a 8 year survivor, but did not show us one thing.  Nothing.  We got our wonderful bags of makeup goodies, but she did not show us one makeup tip.  I thought they would show us how to apply fake eyelashes, maybe draw on eyebrows.  At least show me how to measure for a wig.  Nothing.  The one other breast cancer lady was more helpful than the lady running the group.  She never even really added anything to the conversation.  Fortunately, the other lady had gone somewhere to get a awesome wig, and she shared some information with us, but other than that I didn't even get to make any friends.   I won't give up entirely on a support group yet.  But wow.  I am really glad you had a better experience.  I wil keep trying.  The ACS has been great.  They are still looking to match me with someone similar in my area.  I bet you they can't find anyone anywhere near our ages.  I sound negative.  I wil try to perk up some.  Just disappointed about last night.

#16

Hi Suzie-  so sorry your experience was not a great one.  I would call your local ACS and let them know what a dissappointment it was so they can improve for the next time.  I had about 15 ladies in my group when I went and they showed us how to apply make-up.  How to draw in eye brows and use fake lashes.  They showed us all kinds of tricks and great tips.  I didn’t make any friends to keep in touch with.  But it was a really great experience.  I would love to have a friend around my age going through the same thing that lived near me.  But I have been unsuccessful in finding one thus far.  However, I am really enjoying this web site and talking to all you great ladies.

#17

Hi Jocap,

Thank you for the advice.  I may just do that.  The lady was very nice.  And anytime you get to met a survivor is great motivation.  But I need to learn things right now as well. I am not going to give up on finding a group yet.  But finding a friend in the area is hard.  It is nice to have this outlet though.  No personal contact, but a good place to find some sympathy and understanding.  And great advice.  I wonder if they would let me join another class.  

#18

I bet they would let you join another class since this last one was so dissappointing.  I don't see why not.  They are so nice at ACS.  I would definitely mention it to them.  That's the whole point in participating is to learn how to apply your make up properly because you don't have any eyebrows or eyelashes any more.  Its suppose to help you to look and feel better.  ACS would not want you to be left dissappointed like that.  Pls do contact them and ask to attend another one. 

It is hard to find a friend in your own area going through the same thing as you.  You wouldn't think it would be that hard.  But ACS is great at helping with that too.  And if the person they hook you up with is not to your satisfaction, you can let them know and they will find someone else for you to talk with.  They hooked me up with someone when I was getting my mastectomy.  Unfortunately she was interested in creating a close friendship.  She talked to me about what I was about to go through.  And she had gone through the same thing.  But I really wanted someone to meet and have lunch with or go shopping or just hang out and talk with.  I could have called back and asked for another hook up but when I got out of the hospital I was more concerned with healing and then right after that I went back to work.  So I didn't persue it any further.  Sure wish some of you gals lived near me.  You are all so friendly and wonderful.  I feel so comfortable talking to you all.

Let us know if you attend another class and how you enjoyed it.

#19

I went with Suzie last night to the make-up class.  She's right, the leader was a dud. But I like Suzie's idea about another class.  I haven't talked to her today, but I have an idea about another hospital that I bet has a class, and they're the ones that have the wig and bra ladies.  You have to make appts.  but sounds like  you get great one on one attention, and the wig looked wonderful on the other lady. Atlanta is such a big city, surely we can find something.

Debbie

#20

Hi Suzie,

WoW I am sorry to hear that she was a dud, our teacher showed  everything from cleaning and moisturizing to drawing eyebrows and using eyeliner for eyelashes. Jo's right, call and tell ACS and see where else they have a class. I know there were a few classes around where I live. There were suppose to be eleven women and only eight showed but it was fun and I made one friend. Try again because it really was fun and informative. Kinda reminded me of a Mary Kay party but with hair and scarves added. ACS is very helpful I'm sure they would help. Let us know what happens:)

Monique