Hey all –
I’ve got a couple of things i’d like to comments on regarding our mutual loss of DraKim, and some of the things I think lead quickly enough to the departure of narcissists who come here looking for help.
First, Kim made the remark that much of what she’s struggling with is learned behavior. And there have been lots of supportive messages backing up her idea. Others had a different opinion – namely that NPD is systemic, personality-wide, and that it’s not possible to promote change in someone with “full-blown” NPD. Some people, they say, merely have “narcissistic traits,” and might therefore be reached. Kim sent me a message before she left remarking that her inbox was full of messages attempting to correct her, to justify alternative conclusions, and to Kim some of them seemed spiteful. Nasty. And she left.
Kim’s embroiled in the pursuit of her Ph.D in forensic psychology. She might’ve been a real resource to us! More the pity then that Kim’s disordered personality would rather give up on and cut off sources of conflict (read “people”) than waste any time on debate. It offers her no supply at all, and so will not be pursued… It’s her loss, of course, but that doesn’t make it any less discouraging. It illustrates why our prognosis is so poor.
And what of it? What of our poor prognosis, people? This might come as a surprise to all of you, but Kim and I had one important factor in common on the day we entered this forum on Careplace called “Narcissistic Personality Disorder…” we both thought it was a place for people with NPD to discuss the disease of character that has brought each of us to so low a spot. But it’s not that. Is it?
See, i don’t see anyone on here talking about living through the dream of NPD…I only see people arguing about whether or not the N. in their lives should be held responsible for their actions, or if it’s impossible to communicate with them and the lady involved should run instead. And THAT debate is the only one that seems to matter here. It’s important, that service – people need somewhere to go.
So don’t think too harshly of Kim. She just thought she’d find people with NPD here. I don’t think she was ready to hear all the gorey details of what life with us is like, or didn’t care about that either way. Who knows. For me, it was effective to listen to how behaviors indistinguishable from my own created the nightmare of our common lives. That’s how I’m getting healthy. But it’s not because this is the NPD board.
It’s not.
This is the “my-lover-has-npd-and-I’m-miserable board.”
Which is all I’ve got. It’s all Kim had, too. Maybe she’ll come back and listen. Try to remember that there are N.'s lurking and reading. I lurked and read for fifteen minutes before I wrote my own story. Remember that it’s not just about YOU when you write. You’re on a message board. You’re trying to relate to others and allow them to relate to you. Don’t tell N.'s that there’s no hope for them. Don’t imply that because YOU haven’t seen it happen, it never does, or never will. Here I am, people – sick sick sick and telling you it’s working for me. Why not accept a hopeful message?
Tim