Everyone please read domestic violence

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I receved this about an article I wrote at divinecaroline.com Narcissistic abuse "How we get hooked into our abusers and "Should you stay or leave." It is not very well written just expressing my thoughts at that time. A few people who read it had a light bulb moment and have come onto this site from reading the articles I put on there.

This is the email I received.

I am a volunteer for a magazine. www.theonemag.com  It was started to help fund a memorial for Sharen Fisher Basset who died from domestic violence and eating disorder. The fund is through Bucknell University and is used for trainings and teachings to fight domestic violence. We are a voluntary bunch who write, fundraise or what ever we can do to get the word out. We would very much like for you to write an article for us or give permission for one you have already written at divinecaroline. There is no compensation only the knowledge that you are helping us with the fight. Please check out our website and see where you might fit in." Picking up the pieces" is a new section on line starting December first 2007. It was a regular column when used to distribute it to the community. Now we are reaching a greater audience. PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD TO YOUR FRIENDS TO CHECK OUT THE MAGAZINE. God bless you in your journey

 If you go to the site click on Sharen Fisher Basset and read. I was stuck by a few things said.

She started to die mentally, emotionally and psychologically approximately 35 years earlier. The Womens center of Columbia/Montour Counties Inc. states" that the center strives to promote an atmosphere where women can strive for equality and respect and gain confidence in their abilities and potentials. SEE, SHARON DID NOT HAVE THAT ATOSPHERE IN HER FIRST MARRIAGE.

October was domestic violence awareness month, they had a service to honer the women killed by domestic violence

This exibit showcased a casket draped with flowers to represent the untimate price of domestic violence. Above the casket, the inscription read,

"HE BEAT HER 150 TIMES, SHE ONLY GOT FLOWERS ONCE"

I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SIMPLE ABUSERS YOU CALL THE PEOPLE WHO GO TO SUCH EXTREEMS WITH THEIR TORTURE  AND VIOLENCE ON THEIR PARTNERS. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS IS "JUST" AN "ABUSIVE" PERSON, IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. COULD THEY BE PSYSOCIPATHIC OR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDERED, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THEM?

Kathlene Russell stated at the beginning of her presentation, "every 9 seconds a woman is sexually assulted or abused" She followed up that statement with this fact. THE QUESTION MOST ASKED OF THE VICTIMS IS "WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE" THAT IS THE ASPECT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THAT TOO MANY PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND, THE DYNAMICS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

 It does not happen over night, it happens slowly as stated in the beginning of this, she began to die, mentally, psychologically AND emotionally, at the hands of someone who said he loved her. Why did she stay comes from people who have no idea what life is like when you are caught up in relationships like this.

They have a clear mind, the women caught up in "do not," THEY NEED SUPPORT AND HELP TO FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF IT, NOT BLAMED FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT. THE FOCUS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHOULD BE WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THE ABUSERS AND HOW TO CHANGE THAT ASPECT OF SOCIETY.

THANK GOD FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTERS THAT HELP WOMEN GET AWAY, BUT WHAT HAPPEN TO THE ABUSERS, OH, THEY JUST MOVES ON TO THEIR NEXT VICTIM AND IT GOES ON AND ON. NO DISRUPTION TO THEIR LIFE, NO CONSEQUENCES FOR THEM. IS IT ALL SIMPLE ABUSE OR IS THERE SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS GOING ON IN THE MINDS OF THESE PEOPLE? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THEM?

check out the site, submit something about your experience, it could help someone have a light bulb moment.

                                                                   Hugs mamolie

#2

OK Woody!

(sigh) I’m already suspecting I might end up a fly-by-night. My therapist tells me I have post traumatic stress ADD.

We both laugh (its better than crying most days) but 3 months seems like a long commitment I may not be up to just yet.

Lemme think about it and I’ll get back to ya.

#3

So if you can read, but not interact, how do you know its NOT GD or one of her friends? You must have interaction to find out who is who.

W

#4

So for three months I’m just reading, not interacting?

#5

True. This is intended to ferret out troublemakers, fly-by-nights, and
narcissists.

I don’t want to belong to a group who would accept me as a member!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “thephoenix101” npd-cpt6716@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 6:11 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] EVERYONE PLEASE READ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

#6

Mamolie,

I would love to post the articles you have authored to the 15,000 members of
my various support and study groups.

If you are interested, kindly let me know.

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “mamolie” npd-cpt6716@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 5:01 PM
Subject: [npd] EVERYONE PLEASE READ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

#7

First, you join the main group and receive literature for 3 months.

Then, having established that you are NOT Gaye Dalton (or her ilk), you are
invited to join a study group (a private affair), where we discuss monthly
themes, based on literature, until we have exhausted them (or ourselves).

On both groups we make it a point to be exposed to a very wide range of
literature about personality disorders. My own writings are just one of many
offerings on the ever evolving menu.

I warned you I was cute - but no one would listen to me! See?

Sam

PS:

Three months having elapsed, you must REMIND me to invite you to the study
group, it is not an automated process.

----- Original Message -----
From: “thephoenix101” npd-cpt6716@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 5:52 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] EVERYONE PLEASE READ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

#8

Thank you so much Mamolie.

I dont know if I told this story on here before.

In my region we have an award given to a gr 10 female student every where, in every highschool, thats in the honour of a teen girl who was abducted, raped, and murdered. SHe was one of a very LARGE number of teen girls who were targeted on an infamous rape/murder spree.

Her mother and father attend the grad ceremonies of the schools so that they can physically and personally give the award to a teen girl who best displays the character strengths their accomplished daughter did.

I met and spoke with the mother one day. I was shocked by how hard and cold and empty her eyes were. After we parted company I thought, of course she would be that way, she’d experienced the worst thing a mother could experience at the hand of a violent man.

I dont quite know why I’m telling this right now. I think because I was worried for awhile in feeling my own hatred I might turn to stone too. In fact I sometimes still worry about it. I cry an awful lot, but its mostly anger I’m full of, not regret or grief or sadness.

But when I read things like this:
“strives to promote an atmosphere where women can strive for equality and respect and gain confidence in their abilities and potentials”

I’m reminded that the world doesnt have to look and feel like an unfriendly place, it doesnt have to feel like theres a threat at every corner, it doesnt have to feel dark and cold and forbidding, especially when there are other people who have lived through abusive relationships who extend kindness and understanding and a hand up.

So Mamolie,

thank you for a hand up this morning.

You made the world (and my heart) seem a little less cold and hard and empty.

#9

Sam,

you have study groups???

#10

Yes, I do.

The biggest (has 5300 members):

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

90% of the daily content posted to that group is NOT MINE.

See the archive:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/messages

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “thephoenix101” npd-cpt6716@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 5:30 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] EVERYONE PLEASE READ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

#11

Or, if you would rather worship Sam Vaknin INTERACTIVELY try:

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder/messages

GD

#12

Sam,

THATS piquing my interest for sure.

How exactly does the “study” part of the group take place? Assigned readings? homework? discussions?

(stop saying and doing things that make you seem likeable! I’m getting confused)
:stuck_out_tongue:

#13

Mamolie,

A few facts below for those of who want to do something about domestic violence. In brief summary - 24% of relationships (age 18-28) experience physical violence. 71% of nonreciprocal violence was done by the female towards the male. Men are harmed more than women. Very respectable study by Center for Disease Control, over 18000 in sample.

When I can find the stats, I am pretty sure they will show that Child Protective Services finds similar with mothers constituting the majority of abusers of children, not fathers.

When you want to help a problem, set your personal issues aside. Do your homework and get facts first. Trying to make it a women’s lib issue only distracts and takes away from the real problem being identified and addressed. And it is more likely making the problem worse actually.

http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a

Men Shouldn’t Be Overlooked as Victims of Partner Violence
Joan Arehart-Treichel

In addressing intimate partner violence, the focus is usually on women who are physically battered by husbands or boyfriends. However, women sometimes hurt their partners as well.

Women are doing virtually everything these days that men are—working as doctors, lawyers, and rocket scientists; flying helicopters in combat; riding horses in the Kentucky Derby. And physically assaulting their spouses or partners.

In fact, when it comes to nonreciprocal violence between intimate partners, women are more often the perpetrators.

These findings on intimate partner violence come from a study conducted by scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The lead investigator was Daniel Whitaker, Ph.D., a behavioral scientist and team leader at the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (which is part of the CDC). Results were published in the May Journal of Public Health.
In 2001, the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health attempted to amass data about the health of a nationally representative sample of 14,322 individuals between the ages of 18 and 28. The study also asked subjects to answer questions about romantic or sexual relationships in which they had engaged during the previous five years and whether those relationships had involved violence.

Of those subjects, 11,370 reported having had heterosexual relationships and also provided answers to the violence-related questions. So Whitaker and his colleagues decided to use the responses from these 11,370 subjects for a study into how much violence is experienced in intimate heterosexual partner relationships, who the instigators are, and whether physical harm accrues from the violence.

The 11,370 subjects, Whitaker and his colleagues found, reported on 18,761 relationships, of which 76 percent had been nonviolent and 24 percent violent. That almost a quarter of the subjects had engaged in violent relationships may seem high to some people, but “the rates we found are similar to those of other studies of late adolescents and young adults, a time period when interpersonal-violence rates are at their highest,” Whitaker told Psychiatric News. Also, he added, “these rates demonstrate the magnitude of interpersonal violence as a health and social problem.”

Furthermore, Whitaker discovered, of the 24 percent of relationships that had been violent, half had been reciprocal and half had not. Although more men than women (53 percent versus 49 percent) had experienced nonreciprocal violent relationships, more women than men (52 percent versus 47 percent) had taken part in ones involving reciprocal violence.
Regarding perpetration of violence, more women than men (25 percent versus 11 percent) were responsible. In fact, 71 percent of the instigators in nonreciprocal partner violence were women. This finding surprised Whitaker and his colleagues, they admitted in their study report.

As for physical injury due to intimate partner violence, it was more likely to occur when the violence was reciprocal than nonreciprocal. And while injury was more likely when violence was perpetrated by men, in relationships with reciprocal violence it was the men who were injured more often (25 percent of the time) than were women (20 percent of the time). “This is important as violence perpetrated by women is often seen as not serious,” Whitaker and his group stressed.

Of the study’s numerous findings, Whitaker said, “I think the most important is that a great deal of interpersonal violence is reciprocally perpetrated and that when it is reciprocally perpetrated, it is much more likely to result in injury than when perpetrated by only one partner.”

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, upon which this investigation was based, was funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development with co-funding from 17 other federal agencies.

#14

WOW Susiejo,

Now THAT is a hornet’s nest you opened.

Of course any stats that show the majority of child abusers to be women would need to take into account the proportion of families that are effectively in the hands of a single mother. That is going to be way higher than single fathers.

Still, fact is, mothers are just as likely to abuse their kids as fathers.

Battered men?

Truth is, men ARE stronger than we are, but is that the whole story?

I am prejudiced because the only man I knew well who claimed to have been battered, and got his alcoholic wife institutionalized and custody of his kids because of it, was a 6ft 4" armed Detective, which, in itself wouldn’t have been too damning in I hadn’t been aware that, not only was he in the habit of using his gun to “influence the decision processes” of an old friend of mine ten years earlier when his marriage (which he somehow never got round to mentioning to her) was breaking up, but also that his ex wife had worked and lived with some friends of mine for years, and was a very gentle and timid person…

Still, I can’t help wondering if a lot of women do not play the same kind of game as he did?
GD

#15

All you have to do is lean back, shed your shoes, put on the soft music,
pour some wine and let Uncle Sam send you a daily gift of relevant
literature.

Now, is that so horrible to contemplate?

PTSD = Post-Traumatic Sam Disorder

----- Original Message -----
From: “thephoenix101” npd-cpt6716@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 6:28 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] EVERYONE PLEASE READ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

#16

Men tend not to tell the world that their wife beat them up.

To me the bigger issue is that the stats reflect the problem is not one of “victimization” or men trying to control women.

Possibly it is that women have greater frustrations and stressors in life, issues not being addressed such as the pressures of working while also being primary caretakers of children. Maybe too much on their plates? Maybe women’s lib did not really save them but rather further negated their most special unique quality of feminism which is to bear children and to need the help of a supporting father?

#17

Sam wrote:Now, is that so horrible to contemplate?

No horribleness no.

 

Only trying harder to be more accountable and saying yes to things (post N) that I WILL in fact follow through on.  I'm just sayin...3 months is probably more than I am capable of following through on right now.

 

I dont expect preferential treatment, just not liking the idea there may be one more thing I wont be following through on.

#18

Wow, its nice to see the male perspective of abuse brought up. I can’t say I was battered though I was slapped and bonked on the head once or twice, but the emotional aspects are just as distressing. I was lied to and decieved, and even held hostage in my own home. My ex did everything she could to get me to get physical.

It was quite scary at times, because it was more than easy for her to convince those around her that I was the abusive one in the relationship. I lived with the threat that all she had to do was tell one cop I hit her and I was done for. Its very hard to convince some people that your girlfriend is being abusive and heartless. Its also tough when your girlfriend goes on some rage related rampage and look at you and ask, “Who wears the pants in your relationship?” I’m faced with responsibilty of “putting my girlfriend in her place” where any action I do is some form of abuse against a woman. Its a tough place to be in… and not something guys stand up and talk about.

#19

I don’t think domestic violence is a feminist issue either, FAR FROM IT.

In many ways it could be that the more repressed women are in the wider society, the more likely they are to be violent and abusive behind closed doors (and you certainly will not get stats on THAT).

When the wider society acknowledges you and empower you in the open, there is nothing to prove in private.

When the law of the land gives you an abusive degree of control over your wife there IS no need to beat it into her.

Though repression and formal ritualized assault (female circumcision, wife burning) is still far too widespread in repressive societies there is absolutely no reason to believe that spontaneous violence is any more prevalent. Common sense suggests it may even be far less.

I think, in many ways, we DO need to re-examine our overall attitudes to feminism. We have a right to CHOICE (beyond wifedom and motherhood) about how we live our lives but should we be under quite so much social pressure to exercise all of the options?

I can’t even BEGIN to understand how working mothers get through the week.
GD

#20

WYouth

I’m so glad youre out of that now and sharing your story.

I think it takes a bigger man than most to be taunted and harrassed and goaded and then on top of it asked “who wears the pants in the family?” and STILL not engage in reciprocating.

wow…mindboggling.

I wasnt able to do it. I cant imagine how you did.