FOCUS on the PRIZE

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I am trying to be stronger. Jamie showed up for my counseling session on Wednesday with Nate and I just sat there and listened to how he tried to explain away his behavior. I listened to how he told Nate that he is not using anymore and why Ashley tells me the things she does. I listened to him say that Ashley just says they are together to get back at me for acting so irrational and crazy. That they aren’t together and that he doesn’t believe what I tell him but does believe what Ashley says. I was so happy that Nate was there and interjected -

He said,“So basically you love Heather but you live with Ashley because you can’t be with Heather because one minute she is calm and collected and the next minute she is flying off in a rage and accusing you of cheating and lying and using drugs and it is all a figment of her imagination?” and Jamie says “yes”

Nate says -
“So really we need to get Heather some help because she is basically bi-polar and she really needs to be medicated” Jamie says - “maybe”

It took all of my energy not to break into hysterical laughter - what a freakin joke.

So after listening to Jamie I knew in my heart that he would try to lie his way out of anything and any situation. We are in a counseling session where we are supposed to be open and honest and he still could not tell the truth. WOW! What an eye opening experience for me. He tried to explain away and would not admit any wrongs he had done.

I listened to him tell Nate that I have try to knock down Ashley’s door all of the time (I admit I did this one time - she said F*** you to me and slammed the door in my face when I asked for Jamie - I felt disrespected and I started banging on the door screaming for Jamie - It doesnt mean my actions were justified but I admit to doing it once - I have not done it since then)

  • that I listen to his messages (I admit this too) and cuss the women out that call him (I did - when I heard these hoes offering to be his bed buddies).

So I asked him what he would do if I had male friends saying these things to me and he said, “You aren’t allowed to have male friends.” Nate said “why?”

Jamie said - “Because she might sleep with them!!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - what a freakin joke -

So this is where I am today —

My whole focus is obtaining a new position with a new company. I have given myself a goal of MAY 31, 2007 to obtain this new position. I have many reasons for moving/changing companies/trying to move forward in my personal life. I have had 4 phone interviews in the past 2 days. I also have a full day of interviews with a perspective company in Chambersburg, PA on 3-16.

Everytime I feel like calling Jamie - I apply for a job on Monster. Everytime I feel like going past Jamie and Ashley’s love nest - I apply for a job on Monster. Everytime I feel like crying - I cry and then I apply for a job on Monster.

This weekend the kids and I are working on packing up our nonessential items and going through boxes of stuff we have in the attic from when we first moved into our house in the burbs.

#2

One of the main problems is finding an area where my kids will feel comfortable. My children are multiracial so I CAN NOT move to an area that is predominantly white or black. I need a population that will not make my children feel uncomfortable or pass judgement (and believe me it is out there) Any ideas???

#3

Heather I think you are doing the best thing for you and your kids and I am really proud of you that you are looking to move on I know its not easy but take each step one at a time. Good luck and many hugs.

#4

YES!!! You got it, girl. You are all about you and your kids now. I’m so proud of you, I’m smiling from ear to ear! Ashley is getting exactly what she deserves in keeping Jamie. Talk about a match made in heaven. Soon enough she’ll be where you were 2 weeks ago and trying to knock down the door of a girl named Cici or something.

You deserve way better and you are on your way to getting it. Again, I’m so proud of you and happy for you.

#5

diva good for you but becareful… if he finds out yourpacking he might get real forcfull at you or towards little jamie… he might even take him and hide him so you can’t move please i don’t want to scare you but sometimes you have to think that way. when you are looking for jobs and if you find one you like look in areas that have white a nd blacks living near each other because they both will go to the same school or find out what schools in the areas have both going to that school. IT is a shame you are still judge by color of skin if you open us up we all spill out red blood. if it was green then i would be concerned…good luck please be safe!!!

#6

Last night I saw Jamie at his job - we were supposed to have dinner together - the next thing I know Ashley pulls up behind me and Jamie goes to get in her car - to make a long story short - Ashley hit me three times and then Jamie tackled her.

I should have beat her ass but I have too much to lose - they dont have anything to lose because they dont have anything at all. The state police ended up showing up and Ahsley claimed I tried to key her car and that is why she hit me (she lied). They wanted to site us both with harrassment but I talked the troopers out of it. By the way Jamie took off so he wasnt there to get in the middle.

Today Jamie calls and is all apologetic. Last night I was up crying and I am just so sick of this whole mess. I started feeling numb again. I have been making such good progress in counseling and in my life. I just keep praying I land one of these jobs I have been applying for so I can get out of this mess. I am basically venting right now but I just have to get this out so please have patience with me.

I know he is playing us both - I just wish he would drop dead and her too. They both make me sick. I told him to just leave me f’ing alone and stop calling me and stop coming to coounseling and stop making me think he wants to work things out and to get out of my f’ing life.

He had promised he would never let anyone put their hands on me - now that it has happened he is saying that it never would have happened if I wouldnt have got out of my car - NO IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU WEREN’T SITTING THERE PLAYING 2 WOMEN AGAINST ONE ANOTHER AND LYING TO THE BOTH OF US.

I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. I hate everything about him and everything he does. I ended up cussing him out and slamming the phone down in his ear this morning. I wish I could get my phone numbers changed but I can’t because I am in the middle of trying to land these jobs. When he calls I want to talk to him but I dont want to.

He denied sleeping with me and she said I was nasty and he just let her talk junk to me. All of this happened in his work parking lot and I know it sounds bad but I really hope he gets fired. Jamie said he has to meet with his probation officer once a week now because he hasnt been paying his fines. Ashley told the cops that they make the payments on my truck (the one Jamie has been driving) - YEAH RIGHT!!! I PAID THIS TRUCK OFF IN DECEMBER.

JAMIE HAS HER BELIEVING THAT he doesn’t have any money because he is making truck payments and giving me money for our son. In reality - he doesn’t have any money because he is blowing it all on drugs.

OK guys and gals - now tell me what a stupid loser I am for not following everyone advice and wasting my life away on a piece of dirt who doesn’t care about me at all.

#7

You are not a stupid loser. …you got off track. OK, let’s refocus. Why were you going out to dinner with him in the first place? I think that was where you slipped. Sweetie, he is going to sweet talk you for the next 10 years if you let him. Remember? You need to forget they exist. Don’t answer his calls…don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you. Any time you are near him, he takes a shot. Please please please stay the hell away from him…you can do so much better without him. You don’t need this guy or any other guy…although, a good guy is always nice to have…and you can have that, but you gotta get rid of Jamie first. Otherwise, when your prince rides by, he’ll see your busy. Hang in there. Take a breather and regroup to get your strength back. We’re all behind you!!!

#8

Sue - hopefully you are still there. I do need to refocus and yes he does come in sweet talking me and then he makes me feel like I was the one who was wrong for kicking him out and that he wouldnt be with me if I ever talked to anyone else. He always flips it around like he is the victim of my cruelty. I did tell him to leave me alone and to stop playing me. That is why I really need to move bacause I always get sucked backin. I wish I would meet someone else just so I would get over Jamie.

But I really am so sick of everything that I dont want to even meet anyone else. Jamie makes me feel like I owe him my loyalty and that I should stay faithful to him despite everything he does and did to me. He makes me out to be some psycho who won’t let him go but if he even thinks that I am talking to someone - he says things like I hope that “DI&* is good to you” or “I hope you have fun with him” that makes me feel like such a whore - I would never just randomly go and be with just anyone even though I have every right to. I feel like I am only still sleeping with Jamie so I dont have to go meet someone else and put any effort into a relationship that will just end up like this one.

Sue - you are so right and I feel like a jackass because I know in my head what is good for me but in my heart I still go after him because my pride gets in the way.

Heather

#9

You’re not a jackass, and certainly could never be a whore. You are simply a woman whose getting screwed over by a man you gave your love to. It’s happened to about 90% of us here…and me. I’m only trying to give advice based on my own experience with the father of my 2 older kids. To this day I can’t stand to be in a room with him…I HATE having to call him about the kids. To this day it still hurts. And he turned things around on me. He beat me for 3 years and after several attempts at leaving him, I finally cheated on him so he’d kick me out. Going back and forth went on for years until I finally met Phil and found out what a good man is like. You are no different than me. That’s why I want to help you. You just have to keep trying to be strong and don’t beat yourself up for when you can’t be. It may take a while, but you will come out on top.

#10

Jamie had a hearing with the district justice - I went to the hearing to try to get my truck back. I also have 2 tickets for about $400 because he got pulled over driving without a license. I told the district justice that I have these 2 tickets and all I want is my car back. I told him that I have been tring to get my car back. Jamie said he didnt have the keys even though he drove to the hearing in the truck. I pled not guilty to the fines and found out that Jamie has been pulled over 15 times for driving under a suspended license. The District justice told me to go file a complaint to get my truck back. I had to come back to work but I am going to go file the charges after work. It is funny that while we were there the cop that came to Ashley’s house that one day was in the office - He was the cop who said Jamie was playing me and that he was no good for me - I heard him talking to the staff at the office and he said that Jamie was a real loser and a repeat offender. Hopefully when I go file my complint for the truck that cop will be there so he can go get my keys. I tried to get my truck but was unable to with the help of the district justice. But he did give me good advice and told Jamie that he recommends that he return my vehicle.

Jamie said - I guess the 2 Heather’s are back. He always says stuff like that when I try to be strong - he says that this Heather is the psycho and the other Heather is the nice one. He likes the Heather that does whatever he says and he can walk all over her and he can just use her. Whenever I try to be strong and set boundaries he says that I am being vindictive and trying to get him back and punishing him for what other people say and do to me. That its not his fault.

I know I am all over the place right now - I just cant wait until 4:30 to get to the police dept and file to get my car back.

#11

Good for you on filing the charges! Next time he makes a stupid remark about 2 Heathers…say You should meet the 3rd Heather, she’s the one who doesn’t need your sorry ass…or she’s the one who’s gonna kick your ass. I don’t know…something along those lines. This may sound really dumb…but do you ever watch wrestling? Have you heard of the Rock…I love him…he’s so super funny when he used to wrestle talking all sorts of shit…“I’ll kick your candy ass” It’s just funny. Whenever I have to face Todd, my ex, I just think of things like that.
Anyway, you’re doing just fine. This is a hard battle, breaking up, but you’ll win. I promise.

#12

Sue your to funny you make me laugh but you are right and a very stong woman may I add.

#13

So after work I went to the Police Dept and talked to a very nice officer about my whole situation - he explained that he will call Jamie and tell him he needs to return my truck. He said there is something called case law that states that when a person loans another person a vehicle even one time that they can not press theft charges against the vehicle. Of course Jamie does not know this so the officer is calling Jamie and telling him that if he does not return the vehicle they will file charges. Also I told the officer that Jamie has a po - so the officer said that he will tell Jamie that he does not want to get jammed up with his po and if he does not return the vehicle then the officer will be calling his po. It felt really good to take a stand and then I waited and waited and nothing. Jamie called the house twice and asked for little Jamie - I did not answer the phone - but Jamie only asked my oldest son where I was. Yes I was disappointed that he did not ask to talk to me and so I took a Lunesta and went to bed at 8 pm - woke up at 4 am and then laid in bed for 2 1/2 hours. Got up and went to work.

so why am I disappointed/depressed/numb - I already know he is all about himself and no good for me - Why am I not happy that he didn’t call me and talk to me? Why do I feel unsatisfied unless Jamie is in my life.

Its a good thing I see Nate today at 4 pm.

Cant wait - he is the best.

#14

Heather you are on the right path now and you will soon see that you really don’t need him it may take some time but that day will come I am proud of you for going so far and being stong you keep going girl and your end results will benefit u you will see keep stong and let me know how everything goes with Nate today wishing you luck and sending you many hugs to take with you.

#15

Thanks to everyone for their support. I am grateful that I have a place to vent. I have 1 friend who can be kind of judgmental and I have another friend who is really helpful. Neither one of them think I should move but for me I am looking at it as a great opportunity to get me, my life, my family and my career back on track. I have wanted to move back south for the past 4-5 years. That has always been along term goal of mine. Both of the companies I am interviewing with are solid companies. I need to set up for a realty roker friend of mine to put both of my houses here on the market.

#16

uggghhhhh — I have not heard from the police yet about my car — Patience is not one of my strong characteristics. I did receive 2 calls for jobs today.

WOOHHOO

#17

Hey girl,
The reason you felt sad, dissapointed, and hurt when Jamie didn’t ask to talk to you is because you’re human. You still want the love from him that you gave. That’s natural to feel that way. You’ve put out a lot of love to this guy and for some reason, he’s just incapable of giving it back to you. Stay strong, sweetheart. You are doing good. You’re on the right path and you will find the man for you who will love you like you deserve.
(naughty thought - isn’t the power of holding a po over the guys head fun? I had the same thing w/ my ex… that’s a story I’ll have to tell you about!)
good luck with Nate today. Let us know how it went.
Love you,

#18

Jamie called me at work a few minutes ago and it took all of my effort but I told him that I was really busy and had to get off the phone. He said he just wanted to talk to me but I told him I was busy so he said call me when you aren’t busy then.

YEAH RIGHT - How could I possibly not be busy - I have to find a new job, work on me as a person, interview, cook, clean, still work my current job, and eventually pack up me and my kids & move plus try my hardest to not go postal.

Must be nice not to have to worry about anyone but yourself and have someone take care of you.

#19

No kidding.

#20

Great session with Nate yesterday.  Have new homework - I told him about when I start feeling sad and down and I just go to bed.  He does not want me to do this anymore - He says I need to stick it out throught he pain and write down why I am feeling sad and tired and depressed.  He also wants me to find a hobby - something that I like to do.  We talked a lot about how I used to be before I met Jamie and had the kids and ended up having my life revolve around Jamie and the kids.  Nate says I am not taking care of myself and that I need to find Heather again.  I will write more later - I have to get some work done this morning.