FOCUS on the PRIZE

Narcissistic personality disorder
#61

well, i am going to attempt ot not be mean, though it might come out a bit harsh....

ok, how should it make you feel about yourself that a drug addict, a liar, a cheat, and a thief... one that is constantly having legal problems, can't take care of his kids, puts them in dangerous situations, is now seeing a young, stupid girl?

well, i think that puts that nicely, now on to the second part...

you are still listening to his lies... i understand that you want things to work... and at one time there might have been love, and now chasing that seems like a worthwhile thing.  If you chase this the only thing it will lead to is more and more pain. Stop being the victim.  Don't let this control you anymore.

Now, i think that i have asked this before, but i will ask it again, have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?  It is a place for those that have been caught in the wake of family members/friends/loved ones that are lost in addiction.

#62

Jimmy - No I have not gone to alanon.  I wouldnt even know where to begin there. 

I have been still seeing Nate in one on one counseling.  That has worked out but since I have been seeing him bi-weekly I get weak quicker in terms of my Anti-Jamie Bullshit shield.  I hate being the victim but then my brain starts thinking about it over and over again - like a compulsive disorder and I cant stop thinking about it and him and her and everything.  I feel like a worthless pile of garbage and fall into this depression.  You should see my house and my laundry - There is so much to do now and I dont think I will ever get done with it and I dont even want to start it.  I have no energy.  I feel fat and unattractive and all I want to do is throw up everytime I eat.  I feel like I am 2 seconds from a mental breakdown.  ALL I want is for the pain to stop and for me to stop crying and for my life to go back to when I was happy again.

 

 

#63

www.al-anon.alateen.org/

www.ola-is.org/

here are a couple of sites for ya... as for the rest... well, i need more time than i have now to properly reply to that

#64

The things he does makes me flip out and cry and get all hysterical. I wish I would have never met him. I can’t remember the last time he actually made me happy. I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy period.

Another problem is that I so want everything between us to work out and for us to be a family but I know I will never be able to trust him. He has every excuse in the world for everything wrong that he does. He has completely broken my faith in how I see men and relationships.

What is bad is that all I do is think about him and what he is doing and think about him and her and what they are doing. He doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions or the damage he has done to me and to our life together. He won’t take ownership of anything in his life. He dismisses my feelings like they don’t even exist.

He keeps saying he is going to move back in and then he does something like get a car in Ashley’s name and I get all hysterical and upset and then he uses that as his excuse for not moving back in. He says: “I am not moving back in – look at how you were acting yesterday!” So then he puts it back on me – like it is my fault he isn’t moving back into the house. Then I get even more upset because I was only upset because of something he did. When in actuality he does something to make me upset on purpose so he can use it as the excuse for him not coming home. When he got pulled over in the truck and took Ashley to the impound yard to get it out and had her pretend she was me – I flipped out – then of course he wasn’t moving back in because I flipped out for no reason. And that was his excuse for not moving back to the house.

He also said he couldn’t move back in because of being on probation – then his po said it wasn’t a big deal. When I wanted to get the U-haul – he said he couldn’t because he was afraid I would kick him out again. He has an excuse for everything. I look at Ashley and she is everything opposite of me and that hurts me so much. I wish I would just meet someone so I could get over him. Everyone says I need to be alone and get used to being me again but they do not understand that there is no ME – My whole life is him. Where he begins and ends – I am there. I do not have a beginning or an end. I do not even feel smart or beautiful or even alive anymore – All I feel is pain and defeat and hurt and ugliness.

I had an old ass ugly bald man call me fat the other day and I knew he was right. I don’t even have the strength to defend myself to some loser. I am crippled by this whole situation. I throw up every night after I eat dinner. Its not making me any skinnier – I just feel like such a fat hog that I don’t even want food inside of me.

My self esteem is totally devastated. My kids don’t even make me happy anymore. I feel like they would be so much better off without me in their lives. All I show them is how to be a weakling and crumble under Jamie’s every whim. I have no boundaries anymore.

Jamie: • lied to me non-stop and I took him back • cheated on me and I took him back • hit me and I took him back • hit my son and I took him back • used drugs and I took him back • stole from me and I took him back • disrespected me and I took him back • degraded me and I took him back • wouldn’t work and I let him stay • would work and spent all of his money on drugs and I let him stay • used me for years and I took him back • had a year long affair with Bobby Birdyne in Erie, moved her into our apartment, all while I was pregnant with our son & I took him back • took my son over to Brenda’s house and left him there and I took him back • had a year long affair with Jodi behind my back – lived with her for 3 months while we lived in Harrisburg • moved in with & lived with Ashley for nine months: o talked to her for at least the last 3 years behind my back o slept next to her and with her every night o went to parties with her o celebrated holidays with her and her family o went to movies with her o went out to eat with her o went X-mas shopping with her o bought groceries with her o let her drive a truck I bought o drove her car around o let her call the police on me repeatedly o told everyone she was his girlfriend o let her put her hands on me o let her disrespect me o allowed her to feel like she was number one in his life o chose her feelings over mine o lied about her buying him a four wheeler and 2 dirt bikes o bought a car w/ Ashley and all I can do is beg for him to come home I could go on & on & on

 

So yes - I am screwed up --- I have lots of issues --- I wish I could turn back the last 10 years of my life but I cant.

#65

heather...believe me i understand the wishing to turn the clocks back...oh do i ever understand!!!  Unfortunately hind sight is 20/20...and you obviously can see what kind of man Jamie is and how low he brings you...over and over again...he has given you a beautiful son...and because of that you are tied to him in a way...STOP letting him control you...STOP letting him win...he doesn't deserve the shit on the bottom of your shoe much less anything else from you...and he especially doesn't deserve to be with someone as good as you!  you are a strong person...i've seen it come thru in so many of your posts...stay strong!!!  you have to for your son!  STOP LETTING JAMIE WIN!!!  look what he is doing to you!!!  You have turned things around with a great new job and the opperatunity to move forward in life...stop letting him pull you backwards!!!  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!  Break every last tie you have with him and only tlak to him about your son...nothing else!  block his calls or screen them with your voicemail... I think it's time you start focusing on Heather and what is best for you...

thinking of you...i'm really not far away if you ever need anything!!!

#66

Mommy -

I've been going back & forth about this and I think it is time I got my phone number on my cell changed.  He keeps me on a leash by having that number and this way he will only be able to call the house.  I did not want to get it done because it is such a pain but this will make it a lot easier for me.

Heather

 

#67

i think it is a good idea...just don't cave and give him the new number!!!  Are you still thinking of relocating to closer to you new job???? i think it is a great idea too...the farther you can distance yourself from him the better...i know you know all this..i just wish you could get (and stay) pissed off enough to stick with it...it will only get easier on you with time...and everytime you let him back in even a little you are back at square one!!! 

i really know you can do this!!! 

<3

the other heather :)

#68

Well I did get my cell number changed - that was a good thing.  At least last night I got a half way decent nights sleep.  He called the house a couple of times and drove past when he got off work but I just told the kids to tell him I wasn't home.  I did get a list of Alanon meetings off of the wesites that Jimmy gave me.  I have to find one close to my house and that fits my work schedule.  Hopefully that will work out. 

Moving is my best option because he uses my hopes and dreams against me and takes my niceness and love for him as a weakness. 

I get pissed and then I get sad - when I am sad is when he moves in for the kill.

Hopefully it will get better soon

#69

I hate to say it…then you need to stay PISSED!!!  everytime you start to get sad…remember how bad he ends up hurting you and making you upset!  You deserve soooooooo much better than that!!!   

#70

So yesterday I get home from work and I start cleaning out the old truck.  He shows up and taked the speaker box, amplifier, and cd player out of the truck.  He threatened to call the police on me because "he had the receipts for the stuff & I needed to ruturn it to him.  He tells me the old CD player is in the garage.  I say well I need for you to put it back into the truck.  He says - I dont know how to do that -- but he always telling me how he is installing radios and boxes for his friends.  So he just took the stuff and sped off and left the old stereo on the seta of the truck.  SO now I have this truck that needs inspected, registered, an oil change, needs the radio reinstalled, the check engine light is on & I cant take it to where I alsways take it because Jamie racked up a $1000 bill there a year ago when the truck needed inspected and never paid on it &  I have only got it down to $600.00.  And he now has a new car which Ashley is paying for and he is smug & arrogant and rude --- please explain to me how this as*h#le keeps coming out smelling like a rose when all he does is Shi* on people.

Also - I spent the evening with a friend and her boyfriend at their new house - that was fun.  I am just trying to stay busy so I dont keep chasing after him.  UGHHHHHHHHHH

 

#71

well, he is acting smug because he actually thinks that he is winning… he doesn’t see this as a relationship ending, he is looking at like, “ha, look at what i’ve got now”… he doesn’t realize that he is morally bankrupt, that he is just going to go on living a pathetic, petty existance that will amount to nothing.  i can guarantee that if he keeps doing the things that he is doing, that within 5 years, he will be in jail.  He is cashing out right now… and rwriting IOU’s that he can’t cash… whereas you… you work on yourself, do the right things, grow and live, and take care of your kids(with which he should NOT be involved with, unless he quits using), you will have a happy life… yes, you are dealing with more crap than you should have to… but ultimately… you are going to be the one to have that happy life… and he is not going to be a part of that equation.

#72

I dont want to be angry and sad - I want to be indifferent to what they do but that is going to take time.  i DONT STAY AWAY - i AM TRYING TO JUGGLE EVERYTHING - HOUSE NEW JOB KIDS BILLS i CAN HARDLY KEEP IT STRAIGHT ANYMORE.

#73

Heather

OK so this thread alone has been going on since March 9th and after all the crying and the "please help me's" and " I don't know what to dos"  It's getting kind of stupid now...

There's that saying "God helps those who helps themselves"

I have been trying and trying to be there for you and to give you advice and not candy coat anything... but I'm starting to believe that you live on this drama... You want it in your life...

I just barely skimmed through the latest posts... and I saw somthing about Jaime saying he wants to move back in with you... WHAT THE HELL CONVERSATIONS ARE YOU HAVING WITH HIM THAT THAT WOULD COME UP?

So Ashley bought him a car.... WHY THE HELL DO YOU EVEN CARE?

I"ve said this over and over and over and over...... The only way this guy is going to get out of your life is if you put him out!  Quit calling him, quit calling her, quit taking his calls... change your fucking number and move and DON'T TELL HIM WHERE. 

This is getting so redundant... Your son is going to be better off without him at this point.  I know it's bad or socially wrong to say that any child is better off with out his father HOWEVER, if during Little Jaime's entire life, this ASSHOLE has been cheating on you and out all night doing drugs and whores and who knows what... WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF FATHER IS HE ANYWAY?  SOCIAL SERVICES WOULD HAVE TAKEN JAMIE AWAY FROM HIM AGES AGO. 

I"ve tried and I've tried to help you and give you support and remind  you... and shared my stories with you... and give you advice from experience.... but it's not working... you're not hearing it at all...

I truly believe now that If Jamie came back and was on your front doorstep with his stuff, you'd let him in....You don't want to be rid of him, you want to be rid of Ashley. 

GET OVER IT.  IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  To him, the way I imagine you behaving is like a pathetic whiny needy woman who just can't live without his and her daily drama.  They probably sit around at dinner and laugh.

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?  DO YOU THINK YOU DESERVE THIS?  I DON'T.  SO WHY WONT YOU LISTEN?

AGAIN, SORRY IF I'M BEING CRUEL, BUT LIKE I SAID... I DON'T CANY COAT ANYTHING.

#74

Sue -

You dont have to candy coat anything but you dont have to talk junk, be rude, or talk down to me either.

#1 - Yes this string has gone on since 3-9-07 because I think it should all remain in the same post- so I put it there. I am not going to put the same topic in 10 different posts because then it gets to be too difficult to follow.  All of the crying and please help me's & I don't know what to do is getting kind of stupid now -- screw you -- I am getting out of a 10 year relationship -- its ok for me to cry and be upset and look for help -- isnt this what CAREPLACE is all about?  God does help those who helps themselves but unless you are minister/preacher/saint - Don't throw God at me.  I have a great relationship with God - he's not the one I need help with.

#2 - Yes you have given me advice - but you also said that it took you years to get over what your ex did to you - so I am sorry if I am not healing fat enough for you or on a certain schedule that everyone has to follow.  I do not live on this drama - this drama has taken over my life -- why do you think I am counseling??  I just like throwing $$$ out the window???  NO - I want to be stronger.

#3 - Jamie always says he wants to move back in with me -- Its how he tries to stay in my life... its how he sucks me back in --- I don't believe him.  With the counseling and help from people here who just listen and try to give good advice and with the 2 friends I have - I have been able to see through his lies.  They still upset me but as Nate told me yesterday -- I have to work on becoming indifferent to what Jamie and Ashley do -- because yes it bothers me....

#4 - As for being pathetic & whiny - You sound just like Ashley.  I really appreciate that. 

By the way - if you dont want to read my posts - as you pointed out they are on the same string - so just pass it by.

I will continue to post because this is a good outlet for me and I am getting stronger and I do have moments of weakness but I have gotten tons better.  So if it hasn't been quick enough for some of you - TOO BAD!!!!!

 

 

 

 

#75

Heather,

GOOD I'm GLAD YOU GOT MAD AT ME!!! That's a good thing.. don't take shit from me!  DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE!!!!!!

I know you can do this... it has nothing to do with timing.. how long it takes... that's not what I was implying.  I constantly worry about you... you stay absent for a long time and everytime you come back it seems that Jaime or Ashley have done something - givin you shit in some way - and got under your skin.   I want you to stop being hurt and upset and start getting  madder.  I know anger isn't usually a good thing... but anger can help get you through this particular situation.

I'm sorry that I sounded like Ashley.  I wanted you to get mad... get mad at me for a start... Maybe you'll stay mad at me... but always know that I care about what happens to you.

 

#76

I didn't mean to imply that you stay away on purpose.... OH NO!!!!  I know how very very busy you are... I meant it as it's unfortunate that you have to stay away due to your business so you can't come on and get a daily dose of backup and support... THAT'S HOW I MEANT THAT...and I don't want you to be sad either... and you're right... indifferent is the perfect way to be in regards to them.... but until you are able to do that... I think it's better to be mad than sad.

 

#77

So Sunday I ended up meeting someone and we were flirting and he stopped by the house (The kids were in bed). We ended up talking until 3 am - then he went home. ( I am a good girl - no hanky panky here.) So before he left he said he would call me yesterday - but he didn’t.

My friend Mel says that I have to be careful because I am still real vulnerable because of the mess that I have been in with Jamie. I really just want to find a way to move on. She says that because I am such a good person I have to be cafeful because most men are players. I think he didnt call me because he didnt get any. I let him kiss me on the cheek goodnight but that was it.

By the way I know this is not a dating sight but this story is part of my continuing saga to try to get away from this bad situation. Plus I haven’t dated in 10 years so I am pretty sure that I don’t know what I am doing anymore. In fact I know it. I have a few male friends that tell me stories of how women just throw sex at the drop of the hat to men. That’s not me - in fact I would probably make a guy wait like 6 months. I am not a prude – I’m just not easy.

I am going to try to get in and see Nate this week so maybe he can give me some guidance.

#78

heather,
i think it’s great that you went out and spent time with someone new…you know the old saying…the grass is greener on the other side of the fence??? i am 100% positive in your case that that is true!!! If he doesn’t have the decency to call you back…his loss…there are more out there and you will find them…or he will find you…and if that is what it takes to get your mind of someone else by all means…go for it!!! there really are good people out there and you deserve to find happiness!!!

#79

Yesterday I get home and my brother tells me that his DVD player is missing from his room and that the downstairs door was left wide open. (This door is always locked). I look around and my digital camera is missing. We have a Rottweiler - there is no way that someone just came into my house and took these items. Not with a 115 lb dog there. Plus I live in a good neighborhood.

Jamie told me he was going to Erie yesterday to visit his sons before he gets locked up at the end of May. He has not been to work since Friday So I am calling him and calling him to ask him if he was at my house yesterday. He doesnt answer - so I go to the apartment at 7 and he is there in his car. I ask him if he was at my house and he says no - he looks all zonked out and sweaty. He gets a phone call and says he is meeting someone (aaron) on Union Deposit - Aaron knows where he lives - so why would he have to meet Aaron. Anyway - Jamie gets all defensive and is like FU FU FU and takes off.

I know he took that stuff from my house and sold it for drugs - I just cant prove it. This isn’t the first time stuff came up missing at my house. Now I have to get the locks changed. UGHHHHHHH!!!

#80

well, do you remember me telling you that this type of shit is what addicts do? Hell, he might even feel guilty about doing it, but right now… and for a while, getting high is more important to him… there is nothing you can do for him. He is lost, and the only thing that you can do for him is to let him go his merry, and hope that one day he can get sober… but right now he is lost in the grips of addiction… change your locks, call the cops, report your missing items, and go about your life, also… an alarm system might be a good idea.