I am hopeless. I have had enough. I have tried all kinds of medicine I can’t afford. I am in debt and my debt reduction payments are too high. My children are grown and gone. I have broken up with my boyfriend a year ago and remain alone. I am over weight. I am sad. I want to die and be done with it. Because I don’t want to kill myself and hurt my children I pray before bed each night that I will die in my sleep. I have nothing to live for. I have lost my best friend of 20 years to cancer. I have no other friends. I am weird and unloveable. I am tired and sad. I have had enough.
I’m really sorry you are feeling that way. It’s okay to be sad and down, even feeling hopeless but it’s NOT okay to feel suicidal. Your situation sounds bad, I’m not going to sit here and tell you I understand because I don’t. Everyone has obsticles, challenges and devastating situations in life. You need to stay strong and find some help. There is always help. Keep your chin up and drive on. That’s what life is about. you should think positive and stop focusing on all the bad in your life. Honestly, I don’t know how to reply to this message… but i gave it my best shot.
Good luck.
Hi Sea,
I am glad someone wrote back. So here is feedback no. 2. I think it is okay to accept all your feelings. Just DO Not act on the suicidal ones. Reaching out to us here on careplace is a great first step. I think keep reaching out to people until you get someone who listens, understands and can help to make a baby-step at a time plan for living. I have called Women’s Crisis Support phone numbers and Suicide Preventioin lines over and over if I need to. Even more than once per day. Sometimes I get a listener who does not get it. So I call again. Rest and then call AGAIN. I have to focus on one day at a time for myself. I even have had to do one minute at a time sometimes. I am weird too. I seriously doubt you are unloveable even if it is what you currently believe and tell yourself. Perhaps you could start there with the affirmation, “I am loveable.” I know you are because you have even thought about not wanting to hurt your children. That is a noble altruistic feeling. So, do not hurt your children and stay alive for one more period of time. Perhaps tell the careplace folks, like you did just in your post, some specifics. One by one you deserve help to tackle each “problem” at you are ready. I am new here but have suffered depression/anxiety/abuse/ill physical health etc. It is so hard sometimes for me to find joy in a day. But I think If I can see joy in the flopping of a dog’s ears when she runs then tomorrow I can build on that. I am not saying anything here That I do not need to hear and practice myself. Thank you for writing in, asking for help, and giving me the opportunity to hear my own self. I will do my affirmations (positive) and even write one down today, if you will?? Please give us and yourself a chance. I am overweight too. You and I are loved.
Take care,
femmgrrl
I am writing to you because I have been where you are My children were kidnapped from me when they were five and nine by there father I did not see them again until they were 20 and 24 I wanted to die every day but I went to counsleing for 7 years sometimes everyday if need be to learn to live and I have. I too prayed at night to die because the thought of living with out my children was just to much. I hope with all my heart you will find the strengh to get in touch with someone and find a way to cope with the hurt. It will help I promise You can add me to your friends and I will listen anytime you need somone. I still strugle with depression and anxiety everyday but I survive because of people like those we meet here and in life who are our friends. Again Please don’t give up you are so loved and beautiful. Blessings to you dear one.
Love Susan
You will be embraced by a beautiful spring day.
A small child will touch your hand and smile at you.
You will be caressed by the fragrance of honeysuckle.
A small animal will make you smile.
Someone loves you more than you can imagine.
Someone needs your friendship and love.
Be there.
It's well worth it!I don’t know how to reply to anyone personally. I thank you aiswifey, femmgrrl, susan and spiritriver for reading and replying to my post. I don’t know what to say anymore really. I just feel I have fallen into this hole and can no longer climb out. I don’t know if I even want to climb out. I have had depression for nearly 20 years now. When my son was six, he was kidnapped. He was beaten, tortured and raped for nearly 8 hours until I got him back. Believe me I know how fortunate I was to get him back and the man who did it is serving 66 years in jail. I just can’t forgive myself for allowing that to happen. I was very unloved as a child. My mother gave me away then took me back then gave me away and took me back. Usually just as I was feeling loved by my foster family. She hated me. She really did and she let me know it in very clear terms. I am not sure exactly who my father is. My friend died a few years back. She was my mother/sister/friend for nearly 20 years. When I lost her I lost myself. She was the one person in the world who knew me through and through but still thought I was worthwhile. She loved me for me. Since she died I have closed up. I’m not interested in feeling that kind of pain again. I was hospitalized in October for depression. When I get very, very depressed I sometimes become psychotic. I was going to jump off a 10-story building but was hospitalized. I don’t want to be hospitalized again as I nearly lost my job and my house. That’s why my debt reduction payments are so high. I couldn’t make payments for the three months I was out of work. I have tried every medicine you can think of and nothing works for any length of time. I am sorry to go on and on here but I just want SOMEONE to hear me and understand me. I am not saying I am going to commit suicide. It’s something I wish for and I’ll be honest its something I think about everyday but I’m not there. I think that for some people, there is no joy, there is no getting better. I think for some people, depression is like a terminal illness and the best we can do for people like that is allow them to end their lives in a dignified, painless way. I guess I should not play games and say instead, people like me. I know about thinking positive and seeing joy where you can get it but I don’t have the will to do that anymore. I guess posting here proves me wrong though doesn’t it? I guess I am still reaching. I am so tired.
It's wonderful that you are still reaching out!
You have definite value and purpose here.
I stand by my previous posting, but with the addition, we ARE listening.
Well, sounds like you are emotionally exhausted. Bankrupt. You really haven’t written enough for me to make too many intelligent arguments on whether you should check out or not. Personally I think you don’t want to die, you just want to stop feeling the way you do. Same here. My “wanting to opt out” feelings stem from both mental and physical issues that are here to stay, therefor even more intolerable. And debt? Don’t make me laugh. It’ll be here after I’m gone.
Loneliness is something I can do something about, if I am willing to give up what it is I want and accept that what I can do for others is more important-to be of service. Some days I throw tantrums and think I deserve to have wild sex (like I can do any of those positions these days!) with a committed partner who will hold me, support me and make it all fade away for a bit. I don’t want to be responsible for my own happiness or bills for that matter. I have enough to deal with with my health, and life just seems to get harder. . . one rude awakening after another . . .
So, be more specific and the dialogs will get better, lol, and maybe we can both find the answer to why there is such suffering and why the hell we should submit to it.
Phoenix
LOL, in the time I was composing, 3 posts were added here!!
I think you know there are measures you can take to work through some of what you are facing. And, OMG, I’m so sorry about your son!! I have something I am truly trying to forgive myself for in my own life, because I see that subconsciously or unconsciously my anger at myself is killing today and all the tomorrows ahead. So, not the same as your burden, but I get it.
You see here you have many people here who will listen as long as you have breath. Start the primal screaming, girl. We are here. Get some of it out and your heart will lighten bit by bit.
Phoenix
Listen you…YOU, ARE NOT- ALONE!!! I know exactly how you feel, God knows I do and I know I can’t see you personally, but, but I am here!!!
I am also a human being alone and wishing and hoping to find some purpose and I keep thinking…Gosh, even at what I could possibly think of that could seem live-able…it just seems like there’s no reason…why the hell deal with this crap anylonger…why…But, there’s a why- we just don’t know what it is yet…we don’t know yet.
Nobody, not one, single person has ever really learned anything-ANYTHING worth learning- when everything in their life is going oh-so-good…it’s the most horrible, undescribable times when although, there’s no light coming in----those are the times that- infact- make the “good times” so good…
I don’t know what more to say…cause it sucks…it just sucks…
I think the best thing to do at this time is to sit down and write and write and write- each and every single thing you can possibly dream up that would be your version of what would be worth living…it will give you something to do and at least in some sort of way—it will have to focus on the positive—please try it…don’t stop writing until you have covered every single, solitary thing you can think of that sounds good, something you want, what color carpeting you might like sometime soon…how nice you might look in a bikini…yes, I said a bikini…(we are all not aspiring to be skeletal here)…a vacation you want…all the places you haven’t gotten to visit with that very-special-someone who is going to find you just completely adorable…perhaps a beautiful diamond ring that has had your name on it for years and years, but it just hasn’t landed on your hand- YET…try it please…JUST WRITE!!! I will be here…let me know all of the wonderful things that you think of…
Mis
Concerning the need of drugs. Write or call all the large drug companies in your area. Many of them provide free drugs to people who cannot afford them. See if you qualify. call Social Services in your area . They may be able to guide you. Don,t give up . Reread Spiritriver,s entry. many times. Its all true. You will be needed. Love and warm hugs, gramms
Seaspray,
Please hang on…I was so deep in debt 2 years ago I was frozen with panic, so bad I couldnt work. I had no support, no boyfriend, no family, but I did one thing for myself that I will never regret… I filed bankruptsy! Dont beat yourself up about it, dont listen to folks who tell you you are a failure, it was the best decision I ever made for my health. Now I can get counseling, a better job, becasue I can concentrate, and I no longer have thousands of dollars hanign over me night and day.
Look it is not the end of the world, credit card companies are EVIL! Just let it all go hun, nothing NOTHING especially financial institutions are worth precious days of your happiness and life ok!
Life will get better… it will I promise! Even though I just hate living, my life is definately not sucking right now! two years ago I was ready to hang it all up. I am still here.
Please stay with us.
Clover…over
I never dreamed that anyone would even read my submission let alone reply. I am sitting here crying over it all. That’s okay though as its been a long time since I could even cry and it feels okay though I am really screwing up my make-up for work here.
Sometimes I get so angry at my kids. They are the only reason I am still here. I wish sometimes that they were grown and far away so that I could end it without feeling guilty about them finding me or having to deal with the details. I think about driving home from work on the interstate and aiming my car at a concrete bridge support. I think about jumping off a building since that is sure to be lethal. I think about buying a gun and shooting myself in the head. Please, please don’t be disgusted by this conversation. I just want to tell someone, anyone, what’s going on in my head. I don’t have plans to kill myself. I don’t think I actually would kill myself. It’s like Phoenix said. I just want to stop feeling so bad. I can’t tell my doctor about these things as she’ll get overly excited and have me hospitalized. Doctors don’t think about the fact that we have jobs to go to and bills to pay.
I know I am getting worse though. I know the warning signs. I can’t eat anymore. I am sleeping every minute I can to escape. I can’t concentrate enough to read or watch tv. I am crying. I don’t know what to do to stop this downward spiral. I just am tired. I just can’t think about making myself get up and do something. There is nothing worth doing. I have seen my kids this week and I am ashamed, very, very ashamed to say I just wanted them to go home. It was too hard to pretend. I love them. I do. I feel guilty and like a horrible mother for even thinking those things.
But my heart hurts. My stomach carries all these feelings. Deep depression. I don’t believe anymore. I think I may be one of those people for whom depression is not curable. So I go to work each day and I come home each day and I sit in a chair until I can go to bed. I literally sit in a chair. I am too paralyzed by grief to move. I cannot think happy thoughts. I cannot get out and see people. I cannot eat. I cannot breath sometimes.
Mis: Now THAT sounds like very good advice. I can’t believe you even made me smile. It’s been a while since that crossed my face. But I am going to do it! I am going to scream at all those people out there. I am going to scream and scream and scream until I am hoarse. Because while I am very tired, I am also very angry.
Sea…I cannot believe that you are strong enough to even go to work!!!
Freakin Cheers to you-seriously!!! I can’t even do that. I just hope the lights are on tonight…I’m very proud of you!!! So, today, try this…roll your windows up…hopefully you have air conditioning…and scream at every driver that drives by you…they won’t hear you or even know…scream at one of them acting like they are your mother…scream at another one just because she has pretty hair…and really let someone have it…thinking of your son and the pain you feel guilty about…it’s not your fault…your love is and has always been there for him and that,that,that is absolutely undescribable…say every dirty rotten thing you feel like saying…say every darn thing that you felt like when your mom treated you like a damn beach-ball…let them all have it…and then,buy some secrets…those cough drops to sooth your throat…Ok,I will want to hear about this later… Have a great day!!!
I will be thinking of you with a smile on my face knowing or thinking just what might be coming out of your sweet little mouth for once!!!
Love ya, Mis
Sea, you’re probably working right now and I hope you don’t have to use the telephone at work, but if you do…who cares…smile as to the real reason why your voice is so hoarse(sp)…and then on your way home- do it again…every single car that drives by you- scream at them…with the windows up of course…say every rotten thing that has bothered you from when you can even remember- SAY IT!!! and then don’t forget the cough drops…you will most likely need 'em…
Now, your notebook of dreams must be getting a lot of pages…and remember…there’s is no - buts, ifs, if onlys, …none of that…it’s all about everything you have ever wanted…still want…still deserve until your very long- long- oh-so-very- long away- dying day…write and write and scream and scream and I will be here waiting to hear about it…OH, and if—if in case you’re in the middle of a real good scream-a-thon and somebody looks over at you and sees you…like if you’re at a stop-light…just shake your shoulders around and act like you are really into whatever song might be playing on the radio…who cares…screw it… Hey, you never know…that special someone might just find you that way…yep…they might think you’re blowing little sweet-nothings towards them :)))))) never know…but don’t forget the cough drops.
I will be here waiting. I need to hear from you!
Mis XOXO
Sea…We want to know how you’re doing…Hope you’re having a great weekend…Hope you got the cough drops… :*)))))
HI MY NAME IS SAMMI. WE WILL LISTEN. WE DO CARE. THE BEST DECISION YOU HAVE MADE IS TO JOIN CAEEPLACE. GIVE US A CHANCE. YOU ARE SOMEBODY AND YOU ARE LOVED…
Dear Sea:
I know exactly what you are feeling! The idea of driving and thinking about crashing your car… I have had those same feelings!! These feelings are something you need to share and maybe this is the best place to share them. When I have shared these same feelings with my therapist he helped me understand that maybe I am having these feelings not because I truly want to kill myself but that I feel there is no other way to stop the pain that I am feeling. This may not be the case with you but maybe this helps… I hope. As far as being paralyzed I have been there too. I find that doing small tasks helps and giving myself credit for task completed also helps. I have found that the important thing is for me is that I have to learn to love myself and forgive yourself. Maybe this applies to your situation and maybe it does not. You are reaching out to us and that is important.
The thing that is so overwhelming to me is that for every weird feeling or idea I have, every thought I am kind of ashamed of (like wrecking my car on the way home) someone here has had that same thought! You can’t know how comforting that is to me! I can’t believe this. I was scared to post thinking you all would be so disgusted with me and my talk of wanting to “end it all”. That you would think right away that you needed to have me put in the hospital but you all seem to understand that I’m not out here planning my death. I’m just trying to think of some way to deal with all this pain. I have received good ideas from all of you. I like the writing about my dream life. It is making me think of good things. I was screaming down interstate 540 this weekend on the way home from visiting my daughter. I felt so good but also so stupid that I started laughing! What a lovely feeling!
I have done some thinking over the last week or so that since I take medication and am still so horribly depressed that maybe my depression is not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and that’s why the meds don’t work. I can’t afford them anyway and am weaning myself off and trying to work instead on my attitude and my life. I’m trying to make things better for myself physically and emotionally. I don’t know how this is going to work but I am tired of taking tons of pills and still being miserable.
My psyche visits and therapy visits are nearly used up this calendar year. Last year when my visits were used up my doctor and I applied for extra visits. They said no because I still had hospital days left. They would rather spend thousands of dollars and have me put away then spend a couple hundred and keep me out of the hospital. I can’t rely on doctors and insurance to save me. I have to find a way to save myself. Has anyone out there tried this?