Alright I know you can kill them buuuuut how can you disengage if they show no signs of moving on. Especially if they use third parties to mine for information. I think we need a concrete list of things we have tried that have worked.
ignoring…yes
looking bored…yes shouting back…stressful but yes
using sarcasm…they dont get it…think you are being nice…yes
Joking with them…freaks them out…YES!!!
I think a sense of humour is the best defense of all…they havnt got one.
Hmmmm in my experience ‘Ignoring’ worked the best. Actually, ‘ignoring’ with a non-reactive face/ voice.
I feel they thrive on people’s reactions towards them or their actions but if you do not react it drives them nuts.
Apart from that working on their paranoia will also keep them away.
-Nancy
its awful isnt it…we get drawn into games…when we just want to"be"and we spend so much time tryingto keep the"balance"from going there way…(perhaps because they are unbalanced?)…tedious and tiring stuff.
i agree that having a"bored face"and ignoring them works really well…but being cheerful really p…s them off and they retreat and leave you alone…problem withthat one is,they will try to bring you"down"…so i agree,…but perhaps the best way is to"give in to win"as my buddhist bro.says…nothing to fight or put down,just humour them…its a minefield!
I didn’t know that a lack of a sense of humor was common among Narcs.
My entire family is funny except for my Narc dad. We can spend hours laughing at each others jokes and Dad just stands there being awkward.
My friend sent me an article that said children of Narcs are largely a funny crowd. The article didn’t say why.
I agree with the others. Jokes are an excellent suggestion when a Narc is on the attack.
I admit in the past I have used jokes with my Dad when he wasn’t attacking and that wasn’t very nice of me.
I am thinking about all those times I made fun of his leather Member’s Only jacket. It is one thing to own a Member’s Only jacket. It is entirely another thing for that jacket to be leather. My Dad really loves his leather Member’s Only jacket. He thinks it makes him look foxy.
Grr. I hope this comment isn’t too mean to get posted.
Nat
In my situation ignoring and having no responses to created conflict worked the best. As long as she was getting some attention, be it good or bad, she would not disengage with me. When I stopped paying attention she moved on to people who would give her the time of day.
wasredyouth are you sure your mother isnt the histrionic type?..my bro.is and the fastest way to get left alone is to be boring as hell…he thrives on attention!
Going no contact does seem like a cruel measure to take sometimes, but I had exhausted myself to a point where I couldn’t do anymore. I tried my hardest to help, get her to recognize her issues, and get her to get some help, but it was just fruitless. Sometimes it comes to a point where you need to invest your time into taking care of yourself and not the other person and there is nothing wrong with that.
I admire the people with BPD who recognize their issues and make their way to therapy to work on their lives and healing. But when you’re dealing with someone who can’t work with you and who sees you as the enemy, you’d just be sacrificing yourself.
When I stopped reacting there was something gratifying about it. She did up the anti, and did have to resort to making things up. I too found comfort in just knowing I didn’t do those things. I also found comfort that it made her quite angry and resentful that I found a place to forgive her despite her behavior and not hate her or get angry at her for her actions. You wanna think I’m a terrible guy for overlooking the horrible things you do? Go right ahead =) I found it peaceful.
I was referring to my last relationship, not my mother. =) There were phases where she did indeed seem to exhibit traits of a histronic PD. In fact, she seemed to exhibit traits of ALL the traits of all the cluster B personality disorders at some point through the whole ordeal. But, I’m not a doctor and I don’t have the experience of case studies and such to be qualified to diagnose anybody. Me, and the professional I consulted, both were leaning towards borderline as being the greatest factor at play due to the self harm aspects and splitting type behavior. He even mentioned there were bipolar aspects too, though she never seemed to go through phases.
But yes, she did have a SEVERE almost obsessive compulsive need to be the complete center of attention. I think I;ve also read the histronic types are focused on the physical appearance and bodies and she certainly did things like that too.
So, I guess honestly, no I’m not sure she wasn’t histronic. =) I do know I’ve never seen so many quirks in one individual in my whole life.
Being boring did cause lots of conflicts and earned me some time to myself and away from the toxic enviroment, but I don’t have to try hard to be that way. You could say I’m the polar opposite of somebody who needs to be constantly entertained and be the center of attention. We were an odd couple indeed… but so is anybody else with one of these types.
Oh, and as far as my mother goes, I haven’t put a lot of thought in to the causes of her behavior in my childhood. After my last relationship I got a little burnt out on psychology. Something has just GOT to be wrong with somebody who goes into rages against small children. I think your thought process has to be a little screwed to be cruel without being influenced by guilt or empathy. I don’t know whats up with her, but she can go off on a dime. She’s got issues, but I don’t see her as somebody who is completely devoid of empathy or someone who lacks a conscience. Its there, though often overridden by anger, unlike my ex who didn’t understand the meaning of empathy.
Maybe she just has high levels without going into the realm of a disorder, but the behavior is still just as destructive.
so many quirks in one individual…thats not such a bad thing…she sounds like my ex!but it does get waring!
my bro is a diagnosed bpd/histrionic…and by god he can put on a show!!!a good one is to look at something past/behind him while he is performing…guarantee he will…say why arent you lookingat me!/sorry by the way for mistaking your partner for your mother!
I suppose quirks aren’t so bad if they don’t aren’t around in such high abnormal levels. Something I eventually caught on that my ex was doing was kissing with her eyes open when in public. At first I thought it was odd how forceful she was about it, but I eventually realized she did it to put on a show for all those around who might admire her. Of course, I was more into kissing for emotional reasons or expressions of love, so she couldn’t quite get why I no longer wanted to show affection for her in public. That made me very uncomfortable.
You could probably say that my refusal to play along with the histronic traits led her to be more NPD or BPD because she couldn’t express the others tendencies while I was around. Some people thought I was quite cruel for not showing affection in public, and she certainly played that card quite often. People didn’t seem to take into account that the behavior might make me uncomfortable or have the effect of making me feel used.
It can be true that if after years of attention you cut off the supply the narc may truly up the anti for a while until he or she understands that there is now a brick wall between you. But if you are prepared and know what to expect then you can stand back and watch the show. It does sound mean and I don’t want to play games but if being truthful and trying to talk to them openly doesn’t work then what option do you have? Actually doing nothing feels great. I had a period when people were making up stuff cause there was no reaction from me. That was silly. I had these hysterical friends saying oh my god you did that to so and so and I was like really relaxed and laughed because I knew I hadn’t. Turning the other cheek is hard though. Jesus wasn’t offering the easy solution.
my thoughts are similar wasted…I look upon it as taking care of me not being horrible to them. I was spending so much energy trying to convince others as to what was going on and dying a little inside each time I lost a friend so I realised that the narc has no power until you start reacting to them. If you sit there ignoring the games then they have to show more and more of themselves and are more likely to expose themselves. It was with the help of this website and others I put it together. The keep Amber healthy routine! Ignore ignore ignore smile…
I too have respect for anyone who realizes they have made a mistake and try to change themselves. If my narcs were to stop and get counseling I would be happy for them…and me!!! You see so many victims who never forgive and live with the hate forever. This mom on the tv lost her son the other day he was stabbed to death age 15 by another young man and the next day she was talking about how she forgave and felt sadness for the parents of her son’s killer and the killer himself. Now that takes strength. I believe that keeping hate alive is destructive to yourself. Not everybody can forgive everybody but leaving things behind and not keeping the chain of anger going is healthier.
I heard somewhere that if you ask to borrow a large sum of money you will probably never hear from your narcissist again....
"My friend sent me an article that said children of Narcs are largely a funny crowd. The article didn't say why."
I would be curious to read that article if you still have it, my bf's mom is very narcissistic and he has a very funny sense of humor (although I don't think the mom gets humor).
Lovely posts WastedYouth and Ambergirl. They surely hit a nerve. N’s do drive you to a point where you know it’s in your best interest to ‘not react’. When my N dumped me and while we were separated. It was then I realized that he just took my words and twisted them into these fantastic tales.
He called me one day (it was the first snow of the season) and said 'It’s snowing right now and you are the first person I thought of.'
I just said a cool ‘ok’. I was busy so I said we’d talk later. Within an hour he called again and just started screaming of how I was not ‘grateful’ enough to know that he had thought of me! Hahaha.
SMG,
You wrote:
"I heard somewhere that if you ask to borrow a large sum of money you will probably never hear from your narcissist again… "
Why didn’t I know this before? How much time could I have saved by asking to borrow money years ago!
From now on, whenever I suspect someone is an Narc, I am going to ask to borrow money.
This should save much time, and then more time.
My motto for life at the moment is …Stay Calm Patient And Curious… This works so well with narcissists and bullies of all types. For anyone else out there coping with a nest of narcissists withdraw to an extent if possible. Do not react do not show emotion. Be calm and any contact you have with the narcissist or his snake like tentacles treat it as interesting but not the main attraction. Also see it as a chance to observe and learn. Smile or yawn if it is getting to you but do not be drawn in to it. You may ache to expose the narcissist and the behaviour but unless you are lucky you will be pissing in the ocean. The narcissist has his corners guarded in advance and has anticipated your emotional pleas to others around. So you do not want to get caught up in the web. Confuse them all by smiling and enjoying life. Make new friends and wait to see what the future brings. You may hurt true friends by trying to make them see what is going on and you may end up losing them anyway. If you have to talk do it with a counsellor or people totally totally unconnected with the situation. Watch how emotional people always loose out in situations. They may be in the right but they end up being arrested or sectioned or disciplined. Meanwhile the actual perpertator is whistling and smiling having got away. Take the case of a young boy in the city who was walking with his friend and his friend was stabbed for no reason by a gang of racist thugs. The police were called and the young boy was arrested as the thugs were running away. The police thought the emotional young man screaming and prostrate with grief was the one who had stabbed the boy on the floor. The 15 year old boy died from the injuries. The murderers got away. I am going to keep this picture in my mind and use it to calm myself when I am stressed with life. It is a true fact that we judge people we don’t know by the outward appearance they give off. By reacting you are making it easy as a knife through butter for the narcissist to prove their point.
think you are so right as regards not reacting…but it is so very very hard to do!
Another way to loose and narcissit is to try to make him responsible for his actions and words, they really can’t handle that. Oh and in our story, god for bid they should take any responsiblity for their own unborn child…they can’t stand the fact that they might have to share the spotlight with the innocent child, even if it his is own flesh and blood.
Don’t ever make the mistake of defending yourself that is just not the right thing to do in the N’s world, don’t ever ever stand up for yourself. My son in law claims my daughter was rude for not putting up with the abuse from his sister and mother, my daughter was just supposed to sit back and take it and not say a word. WRONG!!!