and this is where it gets difficult…we can list all traits to recognize so we are prepared for the next narcissist that walks into our lives, true, but we can also turn equal attention to WHAT it is about a typical narcissist that we find so compelling and/or what blind spots WE might possess that would cause us to lean toward NOT listening to our guts when it is telling us something may not be right.
I am reading yet another book on narcissism, this one is called Disarming The Narcissist and it’s written by a LCSW. She spends equal time educating the reader about what is happening in a narcissist’s head, AND what is going on (what patterns/schemas) are seen time and time again in those folks who seem to partner with narcissists. Some of the schemas mentioned are: self sacrafice, subjugation, abandonment issues, etc…these are typical schemas that get triggered by narcissists. There is NO victim bashing here…the author has specialized her practice toward working with narcissists and people partnered w/ narcissists. She readily conceeds, the kind of defenses and lack of maturity that is inherent in Narcississm…drives most clinicians wacky too. She was sorely tested in the beginning wi/ the first few encounters she had in her practice (it is generally frowed upon in the profession to spend a session fantasizing about chocking your client to death). She was triggered and frustrated in all the ways we are, and she was not dating these people! There is a WAY to tend to yourself so that someone elses garbage does not stink up your own emotional state. One is to recognize it and stay away; but it’s always a good idea to learn how to ground yourself no matter what crazy making person you come up against.
The way our society operates today, I think we will only see more and more unhealthy narcissism…the ME generation has swung a little too far and it needs to swing back and settle into a balance again. We celebrate individuality, autonomy, being self made, materialistic success…we all have instant access to porn on our desktops (I don’t know why men even bother to leave the computer and seek companionship anymore, what an inefficient waste of tiem when you have everything right on your computer screen) famliy life is old fashioned/silly, image and career are emphasized over human connection. In the counseling profession, in the 50s, the trend in therapy was about people who self sacraficed for family or kids or their country etc., so much so that they came to therapy feelings conlficted and drained and lost. The fantasy of doing something for yourself was so threatening that people would go to therapy to see if they were insane, classic neurosis.
Now, therapists are seeing just the opposite, a lot of narcissism and the insistence that everything be OUR way seems to be the trend, and if it’s not, something must be terribly wrong. The sense of entilement we have in the country as a whole is sometimes truly shocking. I truly believe the narcissism we have had to face and suffer in our own personal relationships is just part of a greater whole. It use to be, A person’s word meant something, it was considered shameful as an adult to still be lying and sneaking around the way you might have from time to time in your childhood. Now we have reality shows where this kind of means spirited scheming is considered fun, smart, entertainment. We have had a trend of kids raising themselves, latch key kids, daycare kids, kids left to figure life out on their own and turning to other kids for comfort. Kids use to be raised by ADULTS. In the past, The goal was to grow up and be an ADULT. Now, moms are busy getting botox shots so they can look like their teenage daughters. Most of the TV shows today show aults ACTING like teenagers, cause THATS cool and youthful and sexy. Okay…I will get off my soap box now; however, I will say this; when our society decides that being a grown up is once again desirable and even preferable to the fantasy that we can all be “young” forever, we will see less narcissism in our lives.
