I am dying

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I am dying… a slow, painful, drawn out death and nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. And all because of a damaged man who has wormed his way into my heart, my soul. I feel love, but it can go nowhere. I have tried to get away, but my words are empty. He knows it and I know it. My soul is dying and I cannot seem to stop it. I cry almost every day. Yet I still sit and wait for his pitiful phone calls. Still hoping beyond hope that he will wake up and see the light when it is I who need to wake up.

I go out to social events and always manage to attract someone who wants to go out on a date, but it is meaningless because no one, in my mind, can mean as much to me as HE does. I know that I need to stop his calls and stop the contact, but I am weak and helpless when it comes to following through and i hate that.

If you knew me in person, you would never know that I was going through this turmoil. I hide it so well… I am the quintessential actress! I appear to be so together, so poised, educated and articulate. No one would know of this secret world that lies beneath the surface of what is me. It sickens me to the core.

#2

OMG, I am right there with you at this moment! I hear you and feel you and am only maybe 1 baby step ahead. What do you need? vent? Please, know every single person here is amazing and is making me feel or I should say helping me feel hopeful and I love love love that I found careplace. I became obsessive today and have spent my whole day on careplace, I just don’t feel that I could face the world today.

Every word you said, I felt.

lots of hugs to you!

i cried every single day for months and now I am in the anger stage. I was getting self destructive and also hurting my N too! It was not good, I was out of control and now I am finding my way back to myself but am still trapped in this helll since he has made sure that he has the upper hand.

But I will find the happiness I need with or without him.

How long have you been with him?

I know, arn’t we all faking it? Hiding our pain? Not showing how badly we have been hurt? But what is so crazy is that… I did not know how hurt I was until it was too late.

So many women here have such wonderful advice and every single person is at a different stage with a different story but all the same at the same time.

We all know how it tears you apart. The deadly N who kills you inside.

what do you need? do you have good friends who can help you?
What is your situation?

lots of hugs, hopetoday

#3

ignore some of my questions! I just read your profile and remember reading it before.

what can we do for you???

#4

Lucia, I’m so sorry. I wish there was somthing I could do for you. Unfortunately this is part of the healing process. It’s like going through withdrawal because when it’s good it’s SOOOOOOOO GOOD! And when it’s bad it’s SOOOOOOO BAD! We keep thinking if we can just hold on to the good by jumping through hoops and doing everything we can to make our N’s comfortable we can have that SOOOOOOO GOOD feeling all the time. When the relationship ends we wonder why? How? And then there’s the rejection and feelings of worthlessness. It’s simply devastating, I had chest pains from the stress of it for months.

Just keep doing what you’re doing. Smile when you feel like throwing up. Get your hair done, get your nails done. Spoil yourself, love yourself because you deserve better. Remember Mamolie and Mormor, women who have lived a lifetime with N husbands and wish they could turn back the clock. Remember that there is no happy ending with this man. The only way out my love is through, and you will make it through.

#5

DoubleDee-your words are amazing and right on the nose! thanks! Lucia, we are all here for you, sharing what WE know you are feeling. parayers and hugs!

#6

so hard. I know. I am right where you are … can’t stop the contact and feel trapped, when it is good. it is over the top good and when it is bad… it is over the top bad! The pain is too much to handle and it hurts so bad… why. i keep asking myself why!

please email anytime or write on here when you feel you should not contact your N and you want to. If you cannot tell, that is what I did on sunday. ugh. back to work.

lots of hugs to you!

I am dying inside too and everyone here is helping so much!

#7

lucia,

 You have to reach in there with all the strength you have in you and get this man out of your life, call it off, break up, end this today, tomorrow, end it, as fast as you can. No contact is hard but it is the only, you can begin to get over him. Doubledee posted some good books to read,stay away from him and read the books over and over till you get that he has this disorder, he is toxic for you, he can not love you or help through this difficult time you are going through with the loss of two people you really cared about. He is adding to your suffering, please get him out of your life. Others can help you and support you through the no contact. You need time away from him and to read those books to get your mind wrapped around the fact he can not love you the way you deserve to be loved. You know you deserve more than he has to offer. You are hurting, it won't be easy but you can and will get through this. Break it off with him. You have family and friends lean on them, you have children, do things with them, anything to keep your mind off him. everyone here will help you. I am here hugs mamolie

#8

Thanks to all of you for your care and concern… and good advice. I registered on an online dating service and am going on 2 dates this week. I think that will help divert my attention away from him. My concern about myself is that I always seem to attract and become attracted to the same kind of person. I am working on getting away from that, but other men seem so ordinary and boring. Anyway I will have a date later on in the week with someone who sounds like he is fun… smart and quick witted. I talked to one really nice guy on Friday night and almost fell asleep on the phone while he was talking… so nice, but so BORING. I am also participating in a few great singles social events that have kept me away from thinking about him so much. But it is uncanny… as soon as I do these things, he must feel the distance and he always pulls me back.

The good news is that I got a promotion at work and today was my first day. The new job is difficult and is serving to keep my mind off of all this other stuff and I had a really nice day today. Sometimes the weekends are the hardest because that is when I have way too much time to think and obsess.

Anyway, thanks again!

Lucia

#9

Lucia,
What were you like before you met your XN? What were your likes/dislikes? After my XN left, I was lost. He left me a shell of a person. I had to SLOWLY regain and relearn what I had surpressed the short 5 years we were married. Each new thing that I remembered from my past was exhilarating and gave me extra strenght to continue on. It kept reminding me that I WAS that deserving, loving, strong, smart girl that I used to be who didn’t need a man in her life to make her feel whole. Friends and/or family help tremendously. You say you hide your pain so well. Sometimes you have to let your guard down to someone trustworthy. Lean on someone you trust. I’ve never been one myself to open up to just anyone. I keep a lot of things inside. We are all here for you and available to talk. I have felt the same feelings that you are going through. I’ve come many miles away from that place and I can tell you, the world is a better and brighter place. I am so much stronger now, happier and wiser as will most of the people here would tell you. Keep your eyes focused on the goal. You will find happiness again.
mgcg

#10

It is in the storms of life where you have special blessings come your way .You have a special blessing in your job promotion.Keep looking forward and pressing on to your future.Dont let the past control your destiny.You can and will come through this.

#11

Lucia, CONGRATS!!!

Don’t let him win by hurting you and hurting your future… that is what I have been doing. I can’t work, I can’t see friends, I hide when I am hurt…

But i have been trying to set my hurt aside to build my company.

Now you have a new job promotion and this is awesome and I am happy for you! You need to find new ways to build a life without him.

hugs.

#12

Lucia, CONGRATS!!!

Don’t let him win by hurting you and hurting your future… that is what I have been doing. I can’t work, I can’t see friends, I hide when I am hurt…

But i have been trying to set my hurt aside to build my company.

Now you have a new job promotion and this is awesome and I am happy for you! You need to find new ways to build a life without him.

hugs.

#13

It is OK to say that you will always love your misconception of him. You are not in love with a real person because the real person hates you. You are in love with an illusion.
Remember it’s not that they love you, they love you loving them. You may resist accepting the truth of a N for many reasons including the feeling of self-hate for having bought into caring for a monster. It one of the most painful and difficult issues in the aftermath of a N encounter – accepting that one was an idiot. I was one several times. It’s just a fact – a sad truth but one must love truth above all including oneself. If you cried then you’re the human being and be grateful that you are a person who feels which means you are alive and cannot raise the dead.

#14

Congrats for the promotion !!! Go you !!

Im sorry you feel so bad in other ways tho…and it is amazing how we have to hide it at times and others would have no clue of the inner turmoil…

Good luck with the dating site…that must be a worry, meeting someone new. Im so glad I dont need to do that and have to admit Im wary of making new friends even ! An encounter with an N really shocks us to the core…

Jims words really saddened me…but they are true and thats what Im finding hard to completely accept. On a level I do, but part of me refuses to believe he was an illusion…

Its all so damn hard we are our own worst enemies hanging on as tho life depends on it…wow I have such internal battles with myself…the half that sees sence - my head , and the half that wont let go - my heart…

Were all with you…if only there were magic words we could say to each other to make it all ok…

HUGS

#15

Thanks for all of your supporting words. Something very enlightening happened last night. I just began in my new position on Monday and, of course, I have been very excited and I have shared that with him. We used to work together, so he is well aware of my job and how I work. Anyway, with this promotion, I am above him, not as a boss, but on a higher level now. Although he is supportive, I have noticed that he seems to want me to fail and revels in any troubles I am having. When I told him about a problem last night on the phone, I could sense that he was secretly happy about it. When I am happy and enthused, he tries to bring me down. I can feel it, although it is subtle. This really bothered me. He even told me that he had discussed my excitement with another co-worker and they talked about it and were noticing that I wasn’t facing the reality of the job because I was so enthused. I told him that I didn’t want to talk anymore and we hung up.

This relationship is dying a natural death, on its own, with each word he says. The irony is that one of the things he likes about me is my positive outlook and optimism… yet that also really bothers him and he wants to take it away. Fortunately he has not been able to do that.

lucia

#16

Lucia,
I too have been there,i know too well how you feel,this is a normal stage in healing.Please stay connected to careplace at this time.Read as much as you can.Look at the books that Doubledee has suggested for growing.Knowledge is powerful.As you become more knowledgeable about this disorder,you can put things into perspective and distance yourself,reccognizing him for who and what he is.

#17

DYING a slow death if arn’t already ded inside. I seriously feel empty and dead inside. I can’t breathe. I wish this would stop. I hate myself for being in this. I see nothing positive right now and yes, I have read every self help book, seen a therapist, have been writing on here, and been trying to pull myself out of this and just to get deeper in it. why is this happening? I feel like I have nothing and I have to go through this alone and I can’t stop crying and I have no money to run my busy and soon no place to live… how can this get any worse?

i never imagined feeling this bad for so long and I have been depressed and been in a bad relationship before with an N.

what is even more pathetic and I am stitting here wishing he would and could be here for me. How pathetic and dumb is that?

How did I even end up being this sad person who can’t seem to get her shit together.

I hate myself.

I would never do this and I promise I won’t… but I do wish right now that I were just dead.

I can’t handle this and I am hitting rock bottom and I knew it is going to get worse and he is off in la la land, beign happy!

I hate him!

I hate me!

my whole body is about to fall apart, I can’t stand this and I wish I was stronger and I wish I was one of those women who can pick her self up and brush her self off and not care what someone else said or did.

But the truth is, I do care that he has treated me like this, I do care that my realtionship is over, I do want it to work and I do wish he would come around and I wish that he could see that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was patient and I cared and always had his best interest at heart. now I sound like an N.

I feel robbed.

I feel like he has physically beat me and he hasn’t.

I can’t stand this pain and I am know venting and you all probably think I am this sad pathetic person who needs to be in a mental institute. I am about to check myself into one. I can’t seem to function.

sorry, I know that someone this has to end but I don’t want to live this anymore! I don’t want to drag this on and I want a resolution. I want my happy ending for once. why do I always feel like I get fucked in the end of every relationship? I know this is my own fault and my own pattern and my own issues, but I am sick of myself and I am sick of working on myself!

I am sorry to be such a downer.

#18

and he thinks I am out to hurt him too!

#19

Hope…

If a loved one had died, you would be greiving like you are now…but without the added pain of beating yourself up for greiving.

You are greiving right now…no differently than if a loved one had passed away. Give yourself permission to greive…there is no reason to hate yourself or beat youself up for feeling this way; indeed it contributes to a negative spiral…

if a dear freind were going through this you would be telling her she had a right to greive and feel the way she does and telling her that in time everything will be alright. Treat yourself the way you would treat a freind or small child that is greiving…

and, isnt’ it a gift that you at least have the capacity to feel deeply, unlike some of the folks that are the topic of this forum? It’s easy to assume they have the best scenario and hold all the cardes because they can just move on and do not feel the pain that we feel…

but walking through life without the capacity to give or receive love…this to me would truly be hell on earth. Being fully human means experiencing both great joy and great pain…

the pain will pass. You will go on to experience great joy and love in your life. hang in there. be kind to yourself. seek professional assistance to get help and to steady yourself through the worst part if needed…don’t suffer in silence or unnecessarily. it will get better. promise.

#20

PLEASE GET SOME HELP IMMEDIATELY… THERE IS THIS FORM OF
HYPNOTISM THAT I AM DOING CALLED ENTMP WITH VIBRATIONS (LOOK IT UP)
GET A PSYCHOLOGIST FOR YOU TO START NOW. IT IS WONDERFUL. IT WILL
ERASE (AND OR DULL) THIS PAIN…I JUST CAME FROM A SESSION…
YOU GO TO YOUR LOWEST LOW AND LITERALLY CONVULSE WITH TEARS, BUT YOU
WORK YOURSELF OUT OF IT IN A TRANSE LIKE STATE. DO IT HOPETODAY.
CALL AROUND…

On Oct 2, 2007, at 1:42 PM, hopetoday wrote: