I have had a set back

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

My husband has the dual personalities, which has been the hardest part of trying to deal with this, it is next to impossible to tell anyone he is not what they see, Mr Wonderfull.

I have tried to tell my SIL, that left his brother, about this disorder, she remembers my H from the drinking years and she does not get this disorder. Her husband, his brother, at least acted strange, mine looked more normal, but crazy when he drank. I think I am sounding really crazy to her.Drop talking about a disorder to her.

I wore out my dear friend, so I don’t call her much, she does not get this disorder either, she only knows him as Mr Wonderful to her also. It is so difficult to try to change that in anyone’s mind, she knows I would not lie, but just does not get this disorder, I just sound crazy the more I try to explain, so I gave up with her.

My kids think I am living in the past also with his drinking years, that is what he told them every time we went for help, Your mother is having trouble from the years I drank, over and over, nothing wrong with him. They sure know he drank and acted crazy, so I guess they think that is my problem and he pounded it into their heads. He told me recently that he thought he was admitting to his problem when he told them that. Problem was, he was no longer drinking, and I did not know exactly what the problem was.

Thats the thing about N, they tell you what to feel and convince you what your problems are. I have been told how, over sensitive I am, through out our marriage, while he said and did such cruel things, that were not suppose to hurt. Eventually you start to numb yourself, believing you are, and it hurts less and less but it gets stored in your mind, waiting to be released from the archives some day.

So my kids do not understand and want me to just move on, impatient with me that I am not. Son has treated me like his father, has N rages if I ask for better family relationship.

First he didn’t want to do holidays, cause he hated his Dad, told me I would never have a family, drinking years, were fresh in everyones mind then, 11 years ago. Of coarse I had magical thinking then, that if I worked a little harder, get help for H , My family would be come together. Magical thinking and fairy tale, I believed in to keep me going.

Things only got worse with them all together in that small restaurant. So my kids do not understand. I try to talk myself up and somedays I actually can, I believe I will get stronger and get some sort of family back. I am no picnic to be around these days because nothing in my life is ok. Some days I wish I could get away from myself, I cant stand myself. No matter what I do with myself, my family is a mess.

I am living a lie, that is killing me. I am living with a disorder that no one knows about, nor can I seem to get anyone to understand, what has happened to me. Why I am so sad and he is still Mr Wonderfull. My H is an actor who has performed his way through life, small part but I became a supporting actress in his traveling show. You could say I was the stage he walked on. What has brought me down so bad, is my MIL is telling family members, that she feels so bad, for her son, he is so sad, I AM BEATING HIM DOWN TO NOTHING.

You see he does look sad, he is suffering narcissistic injuries hearing about what he has done to me, he is hearing about his other side that he saved just for me. He didn’t pay any attention along the way, I was invisible. I have tore down his defenses and in stead of feeling empathy for me, amazing he feels worse than me, hearing about it. This is quite a disorder, he ends up feeling worse than me and is now getting all the empathy. My daughter, says what do you care about what they say, don’t pay any attention, she does not want to hear about her fathers disorder either. Well, I am this way because he has a disorder, he had to beat me down to live.

I care because I struggle to live in realty and with some truth and that is a lie, and just more than I can bare right now. I don’t know what to do next, tired of living the lie and no longer able to act like it does not hurt. How do you change the hearts and minds of so many people around you, when you just want to live in truth and reality and not live the lie?

#2

Can you tell me again why you stay?

#3

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that you are made to look like the crazy one. I was the same way and even now, my ex-husband has people fooled. He appears to be so perfect, but little by little, as he gets older it becomes more and more apparent that he is not perfect in the least. Even the children see it at times. He lets his mean side seep through subconsciously, but it is apparent to others.

Best of luck, Mamolie. This is a wonderful place to be and we will all support you in any way we can.

#4

I know exactly how you feel. My children just can’t understand that we had a past that is not so easy for me to just “get over” and go on with your life. He has changed remarried and woman 20 years younger and I appear vindictive and jealous. I am left questioning my reality. I have heard too many women and men who feel like we do so we have to believe in ourselves and take back our power. I know that that is so much easier said than done. Hang in there and remember you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Subba

#5

My son has has our life life tied up with his restaurant, loans in our name, my home to secure them and retirement money thrown in also. I get my home back in November. My dream was another house, and was looking when it was paid off, but that got put on hold for son 11 years ago and more loans along the way. Son is paying the loans and started paying back retirement money. We are retired,if we split, I didn’t want to give, barely able to make a try at this point, so I talked myself up and into finding another home and living around my H. New home new life. I am not ready for a senior apartment that goes on your income and I love working in my yard. I looked at all my options, and thought I do deserve my dream home that I wanted, so I will do that and live around him. Well I am not as together as I thought, I know I go up and down, but this MIL thing brought me down and points out how twisted my life of lies is. I didn’t realize when I am saying I will live around him, I am saying I will keep living the lie. Oh God, more thinking about what I need to do. I just found out this evening what my MIL said and it has thrown me for a loop. Maybe in the morning it won’t seem as bad.

#6

MIL’s are deadly. When my Ex lived with me I bought a jumbo bottle of Hazelnut spread called Nutella. Now I don’t have a big sweet tooth so I expected the Nutella to last for awhile. About a week later I opened the jar and there was nothing in it! I was scraping the sides! Now Nutella is 90% FAT. My Ex has heart disease in his family so I was concerned. When I asked if he ate this all by himself he got defensive. I told him I was concerned for his health and I would never by that stuff again. The next day we went to visit his Mother and he told her this story, she turned to me and said “you eat what you want don’t you?” I said nothing. When we left I told my ex “knowing your family history, if that woman wants to feed her husband whatever he wants that’s her business. But my job is to look out for you”. He said OK and we dropped it. The next year his Father had a heart attack and Mother scrambled to change his diet. My Ex cooly reminded her of our conversation.

MIL’s can be problems wether you’re married to an N or not. But I’ve noticed that some men who are N’s have critical controlling Mothers. You and your husband are Grandparents!! What business is it of hers to be so involved in your relationship? Married how many years now?? Her son is a grown man!!! That just pisses me off.

However, trying to make people understand his Narcissim is not working. Children don’t like dealing with their parents issues. I’m not surprised by their reactions. I know you’re having a weak moment because you’re always so level headed with this N stuff. I think deep down you know the answer. And from my prospective, if you’re going to stay in this marriage you must eventually let it go. Forget about the MIL for a minute and look at your future with this man. Things can’t go on like this. The only person you can change is you. You can adapt ways that protect and take care of you. Don’t try to fix his relationship with his son. Work on your relationship with your children. Let your husband be responsible for his own life and choices. You have been his soft place to fall, let him hit the ground. Take care of you while letting him be himself. Let go of the dream of a united family you can’t fix everyone. If you decide to go back into therapy (for support) go for you, leave his butt home. You have our support here! We understand what you’re going through.

#7

Mamolie,

Stay strong in yourself. Your MIL can’t hold a candle to your resiliance, fortitude, insight and your big heart. Her words are just “words”, and they are coming from a person with limited insight and no way of knowing the reality of your situation. Know and honor your own truth, regardless of what is being bantied about around you or even about you by others who have no ability or vested interest in seeing or dealing with the truth. Sometimes you have to take the mental stance, to hell with these people and their opinions! They can’t take your truth away from you unless you give them the permisson to, the power to. Even if it’s only in your mind, visualize telling your MIL to keep her big fat mouth shut and to keep her stupid opinions to herself, as they are not doing you or anyone else any good. I’m sorry, but she pisses me off. You are not beating him down to nothing…you are simply telling the TRUTH about him, his behavior and the reality of the situation. In doing so, you are upsetting the sick dynamic of this family’s status quo…the equillibrium is being upset because someone is finally saying enough! This is very typical…the troops will rally around and try to squelch or demonize or finger you as the “identified patient” …the one person who is not willing to pretend to not see the strings behind the puppet show any longer. Don’t let her words make you feel badly about yourself…take them instead as a sign you are getting stronger and not playing by their rules any longer and they are noticing that, and they are not liking it one bit.

#8

Mamolie, I totally agree with sma. The reason why you cant convince your mil is because she is part of your husbands problem and for her to believe you she would have to take a true look at herself and the role she played in all this crazyness and she cant handle the truth…it’s called denial.Better for her for you to be the bad guy Know what I mean?I think you should stop trying to fix everyone and heal yourself.Do onto yourself what you do for everyone else.You give all your good away to people who aren’t appreciative.

Love yourself girl
maryb

#9

I second, third and fourth that. In other words I agree with smg and maryb2100.

#10

mamolie, Changing is a two steps forward and one step backwards process. My in-laws are really neat. My mother-in-law use to apologize to me for the way her son treated me. She still loved him but she was honest. At his funeral, his brothers and sisters were just super to me and his kids. All of them apologized for what he had done and supported me. They told the kids they could understand their embitterment towards him and it was okay. My family on the only hand just always blasted him for being an ass and a bastard, and I was emotionally ill for being involved with him. They destroyed my relationship with them through it - they blamed him for doing that. But then I have schizophrenia in my family. A cousin who had it died last year. I have sisters who still believe his problem was that he was a spoiled brat who found an easy way out of working. Yea right. I’ve been close to my mother the last few years but the other day, I was crying and she said “why are you are crying over that asshole” and I said, bye talk to you another time.

I don’t think dumping it all on him is going to help any. He cannot process it in his mind. And being unable to, it will beat him down. It is like expecting a person who does not have legs to walk. It really is like having Alzheimer’s or dementia. That is what is so horrible about this disorder - you really cannot win, you cannot resolve it. You have to accept it to find peace in your heart.

#11

Mamolie, I feel for you very much, I am so sorry that your children cant see it, your husband must be much more cunning than mine.

I know exactly what you are going through, they can put on such a show to others & be so different to you wneh you are alone.

My husband could not keep up the show for long enough, my sons saw through him & do not tolerate him at all now we have left him (nearly 3 months ago).

I have found that just by reading sites like this one, trying to undestand the disorder & talking to other people who actually understan what you are going though is the most helpful.

I am in the situation now where when I feel down and swayed to go back to him, I read all my notes on this disorder, I read all my documented treats, broken promises & the diary of my lfe to remind me why I am so much better off now.
Keep talking to people who understand & get as much stregth and encouragement as you possibly can from chats like these.

I understand what you are saying about living a lie, ew have been doing that for years, in the past 3 years my husband has turned to other women, prostitutes etc, that is waht really tipped me over the edge, I could no longer ear to have any contact with any of our friends, putting on the show that we were all loving & normal like they were when we had so much hidden behind closed doors.

Talk to everyone you possibly can about this abuse, you will be surprised how much help you can get from other s who have experienced this for themselves.

As my doctor said to me - Be strong, do what is best for yourself -

Take care.
JennyinOz

#12

I hope things are going better since you wrote this mamolie …Ive not been here so trying to read up everything now…

I totally understand the dual personality thing…I never knew with my N which of his sides Id meet each time…and I still cant believe more people dont see him for what he is…I shake my head in amazement he fools so many into thinking hes Mr Wonderful…

#13

Mamolie,
Baby you ARE going to make it! For months you have been the “steady” on careplace. You might have suffered a setback, but you are strong in the power of God’s might, not your own. You are going to find yourself some time, find a radio station that plays a song that makes you want to dance and shut the door. You are going to learn how to laugh at yourself, in the sweetest way. Sometims I think I must be entertaining to God and the angels, learn to laugh at yourself again. Dig your fingers in that dirt when you work on your flowerbed…and start talking to yourself, if even just in your head. Say this, this is what I say: I’m balanced, steady, stable and focused.

Read what the bible promises you as an heir of God. Look up blessings in the concordance, look up peace. Look up faith. Start taking God at his word, ask him for “crazy faith”…to actually believe it, fully! We all struggle with unbelief, babe. We’re human. We fall down everyday, if even in our fallen thought life.

Start saying (praying), I AM going to make it, the bible says “No weapon formed against me shall prosper, every tongue that rises against me in judgement will fall”…You can and will make it through this. No one around you understands your “prison” that you have been in. But remember a butterfly…when it is in a cocoon…no one else can be in there with it. This season of darkness and trials…is not going to last forever. There is peace after the storm. It often gets the scariest and toughest to hang on when something wonderful is closeby.

Don’t give up, just give in…give over the battle. Just keep telling God (and yourself) The battle is not mine, but yours.
You deserve many hugs, as many as you have sent me.

HUGS!!!

#14

neednewstart - thank you for your post. I am really happy to see that you practice positive affirmations. I included this concept in another thread here and it got totally lost in the mix - affirmations - positive, constructive, and daily - are key to everybody’s feelings of self worth. I have always believed that a positive mental attitude can overcome just about everything and that it is something that we DO, ultimately have total control over. Not always easy to achieve, but, in the end - you DECIDE to have a negative or a positive attitude. And if you wish the latter and you are going through some “stuff”, saying positive, nurturing affirmations to yourself help immensely - as corny as they may sound. I do a lot of self improvement in the business I am in and I can tell you, it is vital in all the aspects of our lives. Again, thank you for pointing out that, while we are all here to learn and understand our N, we must also take care of ourselves and our thinking - because, at the end of the day and the beginning of a new one, it is ME/WE/US who will always be there!

#15

I hear ya!
Well, the biggest tragedy to dealing with this condition is that it prods away at your positivity, your security, your mental stability. It is a dangerous and dark place to be in, when you live with a “monster” who has two faces.
We, fall into having two different schools of thought, as well…

ex: “He’s not that bad, he does have a heart…maybe this can be repaired, I should just hang on”

v/s

“Oh my Gosh! If I don’t escape this prison, I’m going to go crazy, and for what…for one person?! Was I put on this earth to tend to every wound and whimper of this one person in life, yet be absolutely useless to any other person in the world, including my children and myself.”

The book of James, in the Bible, talks about a “double-minded man” being unstable in all his ways…it goes on to say that he won’t receive any good thing in life.

That is what goes on when you are intensely connected with someone who is bound by pride, for their own “self-preservation”. The pride that they have made their “god” undermines every possibility to have or attain true joy, freedom, or happiness.

I have been trying to maintain my peace. As soon as I notice that I am thinking on something that robs me of joy or peace, I try to change my thoughts to something positive.
(Philippians 4:4-9) Whatsoever things are of a good report, think on these things. If you don’t have a bible, I think Biblegateway.com can give you the passage.

Life breeds life, death breeds death. If we cut out the death (bad habits, poor attitudes, sadness, critisism, etc.) and start incorporating “life” into our lives (roll down your windows and turn up some silly song that you know every word to)…do things that make you smile, watch a comedy. Do something stupid…(good habits, encouragement, joyous moments, acceptance of yourself).

It’s really the only way.

#18

neednewstart, glad to see you back and doing so well. I am doing much better since this post. I went through an N family funeral and saw them all for what they are, my H didn’t have a chance growing up in a family like that. I realized that I am so much more than them, I have the capacity to love and feel, even it hurt sometimes, I am the lucky one, they will never enjoy anything in life. I am still a work in progress, not stuck like them. Thank you for your kind supportive words and hugs. Mamolie

#19

I think I have come to the realization that my dad and brother are very sick people. I was always tip-toeing around them and trying to please them, but they could never be pleased.

Nothing I did mattered much. I was good for passing appetizers and cleaning and that is about it. My brother in recent years, since my mother passed away, he has literally cut me out of his vision. Words come out of my mouth, but they are not heard, they are not discussed.

I don’t exist in his world. His friends are always surprised to meet me because he has never once mentioned that I existed on this planet, although he speaks of my older brother often. Since my stress breakdown in May, they have pretended to care, and it is so evident to me that it is all an act. They can’t physically, spiritually, mentally come to terms with me in a humane way. It is like I am the one who has ruined everything for them. The man behind the mask has been revealed. But I CAN’T feel guilty about it. It is not my fault!!! I have feelings too. And I should be able to show them.

#20

You know, this might sound immature and fundamental…but, knowing that God loves you, really loves you, really has made you for a reason…is so key.

I really don’t think we can know it enough. People hurt us, we hurt people. We all say harmful things, and have been told harmful things. We damage one another with our mouths, sometimes in other ways as well.

I challenge you to just take a moment and bask in the thought that you are of worth, of value, and special. There is only one you.

Maybe our fathers, husbands, family, friends, co-workers, etc…haven’t been able to relay that to us…that’s ok. It’s sad, but, it is often times outside of our control. Whether the situation is that you stay or you leave…it’s not an easy road. The more we can come to the realization that we are truly loved with an everlasting love, the more joy and strength we will have.

Love yourself. You are so worth loving, even if the people around you haven’t had it in them to see that or show you that…for their own insecurities. You are. You need to know that the fact that you are immensely valuable doesn’t lean on anyone else’s opinion…Fact is fact, no matter who agrees? Is that not the truth?

We spend our time trying to enlighten our counterparts ("N"s) to the fact that we are not accusing, we are not critisizing…we accept, we love, we encourage. We pour our Life into them…and in turn, drain ourselves of that much needed life…we need as well.

That’s not to say those people are not worthy of love, they indeed are. It’s saying that you need to survive, you were not meant to just help one other person on earth feel worthy…there are others, your family, people around you, yourself. It is not, in the very least selfish, it is imperative.

Take care of You!

Think for one second: when you are flying on an airplane, the flight attendant says to the parents of young children, “Before securing your child’s mask, secure yours first”.
I though about this, this isn’t instinct. Our instinct is to put an oxygen mask on our children first in an emergency…but, that child is not able to take care of themselves in an emergency. You must make sure you are there to take care of them.

Take Care of you. It is nothing to feel guilty over. Think about that. The stronger, more healthy you are, the more useful you are to the world around you.

#21

Neednewstart,
This is very true.There are so many other people around us that need help,love and care.Yet we are blinded and extend these gestures only to The N.Initially an N projects a loving and caring disposition,enabling their partner to surrender,then they take as much as their partners are willing to give.The reason one has such a difficult time after cutting ties to an N is because of the inability on the part of the N to appreciate,reciprocate and acknowlege their partner`s love.

#22

Neednewstart, I am so ready to quit this board but your post is very meaningful and I have to respond. Yes we are protective of our children, and we should be also be protective of those who are their primary caretakers. I think that is in the Ten Commandments (honor father and mother with no qualifications) - true in most all cultures.

If any person tells you that you have no value (that can come in all kinds of forms), and you accept that as some statement about who you are, than you have a problem there that you need to deal with. You are failing to believe in yourself and your perceptions of reality - what God dictated for us. He is about truth.

Our relationships with other people are not simply about them making us feel good and worthy. We should be deriving that from God. Than, we can more clearer assess the behavior in others. And God forbid, we can comprehend when a person is physically sick if our own selfish desires are set aside.