I need support =(

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Once in awhile I have a really bad day or couple of days for that matter. Currently I’m having a bad week.

Back in March my Ex’s best friend gave me hints regarding my Ex’s behavior. I was invited to a dinner party and when my Ex left the room the best friend started spilling his guts. I just listened and let him talk. We had a few drinks but not enough for me to forget the conversation. That conversation opened my eyes and I began to notice things. He said that I put up with too much crap and that I’m very patient. Also, I should start seeing other people. What am I supposed to say to that? I didn’t tell my Ex, I wasn’t certain of the best friends reasons for telling me. I wasn’t about to dismantle my relationship for jealous mutterings. In the end it all turned out to be true and I have been devasted.

The best friend works in a restaurant across the street from my house. So about a month ago I went in to say hello. I hadn’t seen him for awhile. I told him that I was grateful for his honesty. If it wasn’t for him I might still be blind to what was going on. I said I never realized what an amazing liar my ex was. He said don’t worry about it. Come to the restaurant and have a meal sometime. When I left I felt like I had some closure.

Fast forward to the present. My Ex calls me at work on Monday to ask me why I went to his friend and bad mouthed him? He asked what my problem was and why couldn’t I leave it alone. He told me how they laughed at me. That I’m acting like a crazy person. So this “best friend” lied and told my Ex that I came to talk about him and call him an A-hole!!! This pissed me off so I told him EVERYTHING his friend said. I let him know how his so called friend put him down. And then I asked what was the purpose of him telling you about our conversation anyway? He told me to give it up and get over it (didn’t acknowledge the friends betrayal). That I was just a piece of A.S.S. and maybe his friend was trying to sleep with me. And that he wasn’t going to fight about it because he has a new girlfriend. And they have an open relationship, he can sleep with whomever he wants until they decide to take it to the next level. He told me that we didn’t have a future. Recently I was trying to explore a tentative freindship with my Ex. He’s been calling my job asking how I’m doing. Showing up at my house etc. Sometimes we talk, sometimes I don’t answer the phone or the door. Especially if he comes by at inappropriate times (like 3am). So this new information really hurt me. And it was designed to hurt me. Rather than listen to more crap or try to argue my sincerity I cut him off and said “you’re right and we should just cut ties”. He tried to continue the conversation by asking what was I thinking going to his friend, I said it didn’t matter, have a nice life. He said but I just don’t understand, I said again, it does not matter, have a nice life. He says, I don’t believe you will leave me alone. (I didn’t argue) I will leave you alone, have a nice life.

I have jumped through hoops for this man. And over the years his friends mean more to him than anything. Even when they stab him in the back. Everytime I open myself up there’s nothing but heartache. And lets get something clear about the best friend. This is someone who’s hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Told me how wonderful I was and told me I deserved better!! I am totally confused, all I can say is like attracts like. Or the Ex could be lying. Either way I’m left hurting and trying to sort this out. He’s telling people how it’s been over for 2 years and I just won’t let go. It occurred to me that I don’t know how long he’s been with this girlfriend. Or how long he’s been seeing both of us at the same time. I’m so tired, I keep trying to get away from this ridiculous drama. It just hurts.

#2

I am so sorry for you. There are a few things in our stories that are the same. I also know about the feeling physically ill bit - with him and without him. The truth is I know that it is best to just completely let go, pick up the pieces that once made you and put them all back together again. I just don’t know how. I know that if he showed up at the door today I would be right back in his arms. I would give it another go if he asked me to.

So, how do we stop this insanity? I don’t know. I know the only way is to not have contact however excruciating it is. Have the hurt all in one go - maybe you’ll feel as though you’re dying, but you won’t and eventually, one day you’ll come out stronger on the other side.

I’m thinking of you.

#3

Doubledee, It sounds to me that his friend was being sincere. He likes his friend (your ex) but he also saw his faults - that is actually a good friend. Boy people use to tell me how mine treated me so badly, how could I put up with it. I just sucked it in. I never really faced all he said behind my back until now. That friend most likely did not your ex you were in there “bad mouthing” him. You ex has taken an honest sincere exchange and put it on his level of comprehension, added a bit, twisted, and used it to severe any more communication between you and his friend. That is all. You should go back and get that dinner.

#4

Btdt100 - I hope you’re right. I would hate to think that I embarassed myself when I was trying to come from an honest place. I’m not going to address it with him. If I see the best friend in the neighborhood I’ll be polite and let it go. That’s between him and his God. I just can’t be sure, I know how guys stick together.

Yareli - It’s amazing how we all have such similar stories. Just makes me really believe in this disorder. We experience the same symptoms from the same sickness. NarcissistBR got me thinking…if he came back to me and said, I’m sick, help me, I would open my arms and do what I could. I’ve been struggling for closure with someone who won’t leave me alone because he knows I care. He knows he can extract “narcissisitc supply” from me. And that’s all. It means nothing.

#5

Doubledee, you have it backwards. The nice guy is your ex’s friend. You ex is the one not to trust - EVER. He just won, he destroyed your trust in his friend, he destroyed that relationship between you two, he made you a bit more scared to ever speak what you feel to anyone, especially those connected to him.

Don’t buy into.

#6

You are right, I am terrified. Ok I will seriously consider what you’re saying. I just don’t want to be labled the crazy person. I’m hurting, not crazy. And I have damn good reasons to be hurting. I don’t want that made fun of. It’s just wrong.

#7

doubledee, I know how hard this is but you have to try no contact again. With everything he did why would you explore trying to be his friend. Sounds like he is not done with you and pops in and out when he feels like it. You are not together and he is still attacking you and messing with your head calling you a crazy person. You do not deserve to be treated so badly and you don’t need a friend like that either. He is never going to treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve. It is not you ,he does not have this to give to anyone. He will keep using you as long as you open the door for him or give him an inch, build a moat, a wall what ever you have to do to potect your heart from him, no contact again. You know you deserve better than this. Hugs mamolie

#8

That is why you need to find someone else - someone who is capable of a relationship. Will they be perfect, no. But they will care and put forth effort. They will be capable of feeling love. They will be available when you are hurting to work through such issues.

If you are young, you likely either have children or want to some day. Think of how this man makes you feel, and think about how he will make your children feel. You have a wound, heal it by finding a nice guy. Go have dinner and enjoy the fact that your N did not win.

#9

Mamolie, I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it would be nice if he valued me. I know that he doesn’t or that he just can’t because of his NPD. He values nobody. I’m finally at the point where I’ve given up hope. I’m in therapy trying to figure out why I would put up with him for so long in the first place. I think he takes sadistic pleasure in making me feel bad. I’m totally prepared for no contact. I want and need peace in my life. He’s never going to change.

And btdt100 I would like to get married and have a child some day. I can’t imagine him being a good Father, provider or husband. All of that would mean responsibility and he doesn’t do responsibility. I need time to get to know me again.

#10

Update…

That argument was last week Monday. On Friday I was admitted into the hospital with complications due to Bronchitis. I was misdiagnosed with an allergy when I really had an infection. Anyway, I had no access to phones, spent the weekend in the hospital and I didn’t return to work until Wednesday. I wondered briefly if he called but with my health issues I didn’t give much thought to it. Then my phone starts ringing, first I see his number (caller ID), I didn’t pick up. Then I see “outside call” he blocked his number, I still didn’t pick up. This goes on all day Wednesday, and Thursday. Thursday afternoon I got tired of it and picked up the phone. He tells me how happy I he is that I picked up. I asked him what he wanted. He says I just thought we should talk, I asked why. He says do you want me to leave you alone. I say YES, leave me alone. OK he says. I hang up and I’m OK, oh well I say. Two minutes later the phone rings and it’s him again. Yes I say. Then he says this:

Him
I don’t want you to go away without understanding where I’m coming from. I know my friend is an A-hole and I’m sorry for what I said to you. Now you’re trying to cut me out of your life?
Me
I said Dude, you have a girlfriend. Let me go and get on with my life. I deserve to be in a monogamous relationship. That’s what I want.
Him
Now you’re penalizing me for going on a few dates?
Me
Dates??? You have a girlfriend, what do you want from me?
Him
She’s not that important, I know that I’m not ready for a serious relationship I don’t want you to go away and I loose my chance with you. I never meant to use you, when I have the money you will have it. I don’t want you to think I’m a looser. I said what I said in anger. I didn’t mean it. It’s just that I waited for you to change over the last few years and you never did. Your goals are more important than I am.
Me
I don’t know what to say and I’m really not interested in having this conversation. If you’re not happy with me, leave. That’s the right thing to do. Let me go. You can’t pop in and out of my life and expect me to play the game by your rules. If you’re not around I have nobody to answer too. A single woman can do what she wants. Over the last few years my goals are all I’ve had to keep me going while you’ve had other women in your bed.
Him
I don’t want to let it go like this, let’s meet up and talk this through.
Me
I’ll think about it, I need to go now. I’ll talk with you later.

Later is never going to come. I tried reasoning with him, I gave in, took all the responisbility and still?? I don’t want to address my goals after the risks I took hiring him to work on my home! If you don’t see the real me you never will. From a purely analytical point, it’s interesting how he tries to switch the blame to me. Sometimes I wish I lived in a different city.

#11

doubledee, It is too bad you do live so close, he does not have a clue, so he will not go away. He can’t have it all his way and that is how he wants it, so he blames you, hoping you will try his way. You are really going to have to work hard to block him, he is not done with you. Sorry to hear about your hospital stay, hope you are feeling better. Take care of yourself and stay strong, you deserve better than him. He is not a loser, not a clue. hugs mamolie

#12

DoubleDee - the only thing I can add is that his friend probably didn’t say anything that the EX told you he did. My only source of experience is this: when we broke up last month it was because he raged at me for being “insensitive and selfish” because I had the gall to simply ask him when he thought we’d get together that evening (it was a Saturday, really the only time we spend together and overnight - his brother’s wife’s dad had died and he was going to go give his condolences and I was just trying to figure out if it would be a short period of time and I should hang around town, or it might be hours and I should go home between - a 30 mile trek each way). Too long a story to go into here, but: when we spoke next, his first words were “I want you to do a 3 way call with someone” - I said “what?” and “who?”. I thought it absurd and had to stand my ground and refuse until he told me, his brother. He said he wanted me to hear from his brother how wrong I am etc. etc. Now, mind you - I had actually SPOKEN to his brother before on the phone, expressed my condolences and offered any help I could provide - we had a lovely conversation. I was pissed at the 3 way suggestion, but then decided “why not?” - we had already “broken up” and he was “just trying to teach me a few things for my own good” and fix us - right! Anyway, I agreed and he dropped the call trying to “patch” the brother in. Convenient, right? Claimed he tried again and just couldn’t understand why the brother wasn’t answering. So, we spoke further and he yelled at me that his whole family agrees with him - I AM selfish, I AM inconsiderate etc. etc. They all are amazed at my lack of compassion etc. etc. The interesting part here is that I haven’t met any of them yet (except his aunt), but have had phone conversations with mom, brother, and sister - they seem to be lovely people and wouldn’t have been able to form bad opinions of me based on those. After really being upset over the fact that he seemed to have poisoned and turned everyone against me, he LAUGHED and said he really didn’t do that!!!

#13

I was close with his family at one point so I know what you’re saying. Every time we had a problem he would lie to them about what I did or didn’t do. Then they would here my side and say yep that sounds like him. I think this infuriated him so he started lying about who said what regarding his family. They hate me they’re angry with me for what I did. In the end I just let it go. His family doesn’t call anymore and I’m sure it’s because they want to give me space and time to heal. I respect that. I’m sure it’s not because of all the awful things he’s said. As for the friend it really doesn’t matter. I have a strong feeling that he’s a Narcissist too. When I went to the restaurant he said all the right things but seemed detached. I left hoping that I did the right thing but I felt better having done it. Anyway it’s his friend not mine. Like I said I’ll be polite and leave that between him and God.

Mamolie, thanks for the good wishes, I’m feeling much better already.

#14

Yes it’s hard to believe this behavior comes from intelligent educated people. My Ex spent 3 years in the Army and 3 in the Navy. Has medals and honors galore. His best friend was the editor of Source Magazine and is currently exploring a career in the restaurant industry (his passion). But then again there are folks here married to Doctors and Lawyers I guess it really doesn’t matter.

It is horrible and one of the reasons I’ve been sick is due to the stress of it all. But I feel like I bottomed out emotionally. I’ve got no place to go but up from here.

#15

This is really hard to read. Sounds like you are running with a rough crowd here. I think it would be wise not to be in contact with him anymore.

It all sounds very familiar to me – the same thing happened with my ex, he dragged me around for a year after we broke up, showing up for sex, lying to me, etc.

Finally just two weeks ago I forced him to “break up with me” – acknowledge that it was over so he could have no more excuses to torture me. He did. And he said something very similar to what your ex said “what’s your problem, we haven’t been together for over a year!”. As if I hallucinated everything that happened over the year.

Then a few days later he sent me an email saying he missed me and when were we going to see each other again.

??

We can spend our lives trying to make sense of this stuff. But the fact is that if you have to spend all this energy trying to figure out – it means that the problem is HIM and he’s never going to get it straight. He is totally and completely conflicted. With himself. It has nothing to do with you, you are just trapped in the middle of the confusion.

He may care, he may miss you, he may even have some real feelings (as much as he can) but that won’t change the conflict. It’s so horrible. I’ve been through it. You love this person, you want to believe it will be different. But it won’t.

#16

DoubleDee, you bet you. Mine was Navy Seal. You crossed paths with a high achiever. They make the history books while we have nervous breakdowns and commit suicide supporting them in in the process.

So figure out how to enjoy the remaining years of your life and tell me please.

#17

I think letting go is a start. After letting go you can rebuild. My Birthdy is coming up in October. I mark my Birthday as my New Year! I’m looking forward to a new year and a fresh start. I used to be so positive and outgoing. I don’t even know who this drab depressed woman is? I want her to go away! I want the old me back!!

#18

DoubleDee, I hope that we can find happiness again.

#19

doubledee, I know this is so hard, The old doubledee was a beautiful person, The new doubledee, will expect to be treated with respect and loved for the beautiful person you are. You are special, and that is the way you want to be treated from now on. hugs mamolie

#20

Hi DoubleDee...please stay strong and keep away from him.  You sound like a really cool person, you don't need this bs.  This line from the conversation he had with you...

 "She's not that important, I know that I'm not ready for a serious relationship I don't want you to go away and I loose my chance with you. I never meant to use you, "

 This tells you everything you need to know...The woman he is supposedly with right now is not that important to him??? (I betcha she thinks she is!)  And, when he is with you, he is of course saying the exact same thing about you to other women...either he plays that you don't exist at all..or, if they know about you...he tells them your just not that important to him, or the relationship is winding down, or just ending or whatever.   What he is REALLY saying is that NO ONE is that important to him. He's telling you that.  In a way he is being 100% completely honest...people are not that important to him.  We are interchangable units.  If one unit stops performing well, another unit can easily replace it.  Even better, have a couple of units stored away for safe keeping at all times, just in case.  He probably can't help it, but you can get away from it.

Unless he was in serious therapy, taking full responsibility for actions and statements just like the one above and all the other bs and kissing the very ground you walk on in an effort to keep you in his life...HE IS NOT WORTH IT.  And, even if he were doing all those things...it's still risky, risky business. 

One more thing...have you read When You Love A Man Who Loves Himself...?  If not, I highly recommend it especially now with what you are currently going through. 

Good luck to you, and stay strong.  You're totally cool, he's not.