I try to tell myself today will be a good day

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

What is a good day though? Everyday I wake up and I am still in an abusive relationship and the best I can hope for is a false sense of security for the day. I can hope to get through the day without a jab or worse. Then on the days that I make it through without him causing me pain I cause myself pain and beat myself up for not leaving when deep down I know I don’t because I am scared of being alone. I can’t decide which is worse: my false sense of hope or my fear of being alone.

I just feel so stuck, weak, worthless, and alone anyway.

#2

BUT IT NEVER HAPPENS AND I DON’T THINK IT WILL.

#3

I’M TALKING ABOUT ME NOT ANYONE ELSE.

#4

we are thinking of you anna : ) you CAN do it…you are special and you will be able to leave. ((( HUGS )))

#5

I am so mad at me right now. I am mad for not loving me enough to get me out of this. I am mad for always falling victim to his “kindness” and becoming subject to more pain at his hands.

I am mad that deep down part of me believes that “this time” he’s changed for good…

#6

If feel very raw inside and I wish they made “inside bandaids”. One other time I said on another forum I am a member in that I trade this emotional pain for 1,000 bruises. I am sure it would hurt less…

But why would I want to do that if I could leave ALL of it? I don’t know the answer to that. I am confused. I DO want to leave. I am just so hurting

#7

ANNA YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE YOU GET HURT SO BAD YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO. HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ALONE. THERE MUST BE A WOMENS SHELTER WHERE YOU LIVE. YOU NEED TO GET OUT PLEASE. HE IS NEVER EVER GOING TO CHANGE. YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE TO CHANGE FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY AND WELL BEING.
MY PRAYERS FOR YOU AND YOUR SAFETY ARE WITH YOU.
DREEN

#8

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

I am so torn.

I don’t feel physically in danger, the pain he causes is usually deep beneath the surface where noone can see.

#9

Anna…good luck. At least you recognize that there is a problem and that is the first step. Hopefully, soon you will be able to find the courage to find what is the best thing for YOU. It’s never easy getting out of a relationship, any kind, especailly an abusive one. By talking to people, maybe you can find your way to one day find your way out, and into the daylight again.

Being alone is not that bad, in fact, at times it opens all kinds of wonderful new doors!

#10

EVEN SO HE PROBABLY FEELS LIKE HE IS DOING NOTHING WRONG AND YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE ABUSED WETHER IT BE PHYSICAL OR MENTAL. SOMETIMES THEY BOTH HURT THE SAME AMOUNT OF PAIN.
HUGS
DREEN

#11

LISTEN TO BON. SHE HAS HELPED ME ALOT. SHE GIVES VERY GOOD ADVICE.

#12

thank you… some days I feel like I am so strong I can take on anything and then the next day I am back down thinking I’ll never be able to break free. I don’t know, I guess the idea is just to hold onto the strong days

#13

I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can send you love and support, I can be here for you to talk to and share with ~ You are a unique and splendiferous being… simply by birth. Feel your own value and hold yourself as a precious commodity. Your sense of self has taken a blow but who you are is not defined by what happens to you. be sound

#14

Anna, I can’t tell you what to do either, but I can tell you you deserve better. You sound like a great person who has so much to offer someone . You must put yourself first. Sending hugs and good wishes…

#15

For a long time I wonder if my relationship was to escape a situation and have a different place to livecause i couldn’t do so on my own , till one day I had no choice but to survive on my own . And you know what? I did soooo well that I refused other friends that were looking to move in to so call " help me out" . So now this is a saying I believe strongly in, " In order to live with somebody else you first must be able to live with yourself" and heres another," I can do bad all by myself, and by myself I do pretty darn well" I say all this to say we , as individuals, are really stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Emotional abuse is actually worse than physical in the sense that it distroys our self esteem quicker. That doesn’t mean physical abuse is better, please don’t get me wrong , but how do you put a bandage on the innerself…

#16

hehe you said the nut house. haha I love nuts! Hopefully I will fit right in. If I were a nut I’d be a hazelnut cause I’m allergic to them hehe

#17

Hi, Anna…

  You are not weak and worthless.  You're a survivor...You said that at times you feel strong.  The strength is within you.  Remember that....

hugs to you,

Susie

#18

Please leave while you have the wherewithall to know you HAVE to leave and this relationship is sick. I am sure that it is hard and for him it is all a matter of CONTROL. His abuse of you is all a matter of control over you, his need to control you. You have to get away from him. Abuse is abuse. His abuse will eventually turn physical, it always does. Be strong, listen to Dreen and Bon and please get out before it is too late. I am very worried about you…I will be praying for you.

#19

anna, i know exactly where you are coming from…several years ago i was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. the abuser eats away at who you are till you lose yourself - worse is that they manage to kill you. my ex was the most sweetest funniest man i met, but 3 months later he gave me the beating of my life…in short i thought i was going to die that night. we lived abroad and i had no support network out there. i managed to save money and was eventually able to leave with my beloved dog. apart it took me a good 2 years to get over the abuse. abusers are clever, they go about cutting all your family and friends ties so you are isolated and they have more power over you. they act kind to manipulate you…and then the vicious cycle continues…you know it. i suggest you getting as much help as possible. i will be happy to talk to you if you want to. as others have said here you do need to get out and go to a shelter…i’m sure you know this but are too afraid to leave. believe in you, you can’t see this now but you have a lot of strength and courage inside…just give it a chance. be happy.

#20

THIS IS TRUE. WE ALL KNOW DEEP DOWN WHAT WE SHOULD DO BUT THE HEART AND THE BRAIN NEVER WORK TOGETHER. IT’S TOUGH. I BATTLE THIS DILEMA EVERYDAY. BUT I KNOW WHEN I NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM MY GOOD FRIENDS ON CP TO SAY YES YOU DESERVE BETTER. IT HELPS. WE ALL NEED THAT REINFORCEMENT. CP IS HERE FOR YOU AND I AM SURE YOU WILL BE GIVING US ADVICE SOON ALSO. JUST KNOW THAT WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS ON CP TO TRY TO HELP YOU GET THRU THE DILEMIAS OF EVERYDAY LIFE. I KNOW IF IT WASN’T FOR LINDY AND BON I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. NOONE WILL EVER TRY TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. IT IS JUST ADVICE. WE ALL KNOW EASIER SAID THEN DONE SO PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT AS SOMEONE TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. BY THE WAY WELCOME.
MANY HUGS
DREEN