I try to tell myself today will be a good day

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

Thank you all so much for all your kind words. It really does feel special here and I feel like you all are so sweet and supportive. It is so true that the heart doesn’t always listen to the brain. I guess I just believe that everyone has a good heart deep down and they choose to be bad sometimes, its just when they choose to do bad to others so often that it becomes such a problem. I do feel like I’ve lost my footing. Every tiny step I take toward leaving allows me a little strength. I have been battling myself with this decision for a year now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it, but I do know that I deserve more. You know? I mean I know what I would like to see happen in my life, but when I even think about it I actually begin to have an anxiety attack. Imagining myself healthy and happy is not what does it. I am terrified of finding myself alone and rushing into the arms of yet another abusive man. I know that I need alone time or “find me” time. I need to believe every single day that I am worth it, not just on “strong” days. Once I get to that unshakable point will I be able to try again.

I got side-tracked. I just really do need to stick to my plan and try to stay on track and remember that he isn’t changing-only pretending. It gets hard though when it feels like I’ve been starving for so long and then when he is nice and sweet its like putting a huge cake in front of my face. I am so tempted to gobble it up. Then I am right back where I started- starving for a long time.

I really do look forward to helping you with any and all advice. It seems I can be so strong for others especially if I’ve felt what they’re feeling. It is harder to be strong for me, you know? it’s strange.

Thanks for being here.

#22

Were all here for each other Anna.

That is what keeps us strong. When some of us feel down or need help, the others pitch in and pull us back up. Together, we are a good team! Welcome to the nut house! :slight_smile:

#23

I watched helplessly why my sick sister and her 9 year old daughter get verbally abused by my sister boy friend the only reasons why he was with her until she died was the prescription pain meds that he took from her the money disability money he took from her the free house and food he took from her and the free babysitter for his boys he brought in the house of a dying woman he is a sick guy in my book thats the nicest thing I can say about him in other words he is with you out of selfishness not love if he loved you he wouldn’t treat you like crap as for my niece she has emotional scars from his verbal abuse not to mention her mothers death the abuse didn’t have to happen it doesn’t have to happen to you either leave or have him leave call the police he has NO right to treat you that way and its his problem you did nothing wrong

#24

Thank you for saying I did nothing wrong. It is programmed into my brain to automatically blame myself for the wrong I see around me. I am working on reprogramming that malfunction, but I helps to be reminded that I truly can not control other people’s actions or words.

Your story was sad. I am so sorry you lost your sister and that she fell into such an unfortunate relationship. I feel like I am slowly inching along and I am closer to being ready to go.

#25

I am praying for you, Anna, and we are all here for you whenever you need us.

#26

vicki, it is very sad your sister had to go through this…to be spitefully used from a freeloader.

#27

Please through family and friends GET OUT! I was in an abusive relationship verbal, sexual and physically and abused on a daily basis. Because of that, I almost died. I kept this a secret from everyone. My best friends kinda guessed, but I never comfirmed. I was always bruised.

It looks like he's taken your self esteem PLEASE don't let him take your life to. Your a good person and your are worth alot to alot of people.

Hugs Lisa

#28

I  forgot to say it is not your fault. Don’t let him put that in your brain.

#29

I love coming here everyday when I come to work. You guys are so helpful. I look forward to it. It helps me get out of bed in the morning. I look forward to coming to CP and it gives me purpose. thank you

#30

I repeated myself like 10 times in the last post, but I think you get the idea. I am very grateful to be blessed with friends here.

#31

WE ARE ALSO GLAD YOU ARE HERE TO. SOON WE WILL BE HAVING ANOTHER PARTY WHICH I AM SURE YOU WILL JOIN. WE GO ON CP INTERNET TRIPS. THEY ARE FUN ALSO. IT IS AN ESCAPE IF ONLY FOR A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR SITUATION. ALTHOUGH YOUR SITUATION IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE OR OTHER PEOPLE ON CP. IT DOESN’T MATTER. WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. WHICH MEANS WE MAYBE SHOULD TAKE A CRUISE. THINK OF A PLACE YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO AND LETS MAKE INTERNET PLANS WITH OUR CP FRIENDS. GLAD YOU SEEM TO BE BETTER.

#32 
  I'm happy to know you, annabanana!  I'm glad that you're here.

Susie

#33

thats how i felt with my abusive father. i felt trapped with no way out. But if you can gather the strength you can do it. i know its going to be tough but in the long run you are going to get control of your life back. these abusive people usually dont get better without counseling and he sounds like the type that wouldnt be intersted in counseling. your tougher than you know. this relationship is making you dependent on him. to be dependent on an abuser can not be good. gather up the strength and leave him. you might want to have a plan first.

#34

read littlebittie’s statement as much as you need to

#35

I was just reading all of your posts in this thread and remembering my ex-husband. I wanted to leave but I was afraid. I thought no one knew but everyone did. They saw when I never left home, I gained weight, my hair fell out, I was wearing the same clothes every day. I never picked up the phone. I was totally depressed and I thought I was hiding. I told myself I would not make it on my own with my small children when actually, he was a financial burden. I HATE this topic because now I feel like “What was my problem?” That person is NOT the person I am now. I had NO self esteem Zero. I felt like his abusive words didn’t affect me because I was used to it but, I was affected. His words kept me from taking any steps to change my situation. I didn’t have the support of all you wonderful people here but, I made it. And so can you, AnnaBanana, C-Shells, Mariasecor, GimpyBear and anyone else enduring an abusive relationship. You don’t have to be strong. The strength will come when you make the move and you see the results. I didn’t want to leave my husband. I wanted to die. It was so hard pulling myself up from that point but, here I am. I told myself that the kids needed a father. My kids told me years later that they were afraid of him and they hated him. I didn’t know that. I was not able to see clearly. I am sorry I didn’t know you all back then but, I know you all now and I am so thankful.

#36

littlebitty, i am glad you got out too. : )

#37

lady, gosh, my ex use to yell the nastiest of words at me and over time eroded all my confidence and made me feel like a nothing. well done you for leaving, i can’t imagine how much harder it must have been having little children too… words DO hurt.

#38

anna, it is shocking when i read how, little by little, your abuser is gaining control of you, from destroying friendships to insisting on knowing your passwords and all the rest. lady’s advice is the best… i hope he hasn’t jeopardized your job… are you able to leave him sooner rather than later? HUGS x

#39

UGH! I know I’ve mentioned that work is my “safe zone” so I really only get on careplace here where my husband can’t snoop or anything.

Well, he came to bring me lunch today and while I was in the bathroom he got here with it. That is sweet.

So why the anger then? When I got back from the bathroom, he was sitting at MY computer (I work in a computer lab, so he could’ve used any of the others) which is a controlled government computer which I have to have a special security clearance for since I deal with people’s personal info. Anyway, when I came back I told him he’d better move before someone sees him there. He started laughing and told me my boss had come in and saw him there playing on my computer.

I got angry because my job is in jeopardy now, and all he did was chuckle and say that sucks to be you. What? HE did it? I felt uncomfortable getting too mad at him since he brought me lunch but it seems quite disrespectful on so many levels. Not to mention, I will probably AT LEAST get lectured on computer security. That is, unless they just fire me. I am going to try to smooth things over with the boss before that happens.

I know I should’ve locked it before I went to the bathroom, but nobody else would have the audacity to snoop around my stuff. Anyway, long story short, he knows about careplce and I am not sure how much he read, but I know he saw some of it.

I feel walked on and angry. i plan on having a long discussion with him when I get home and will ask him not to come to my work anymore. He will just want to come here even more then. UGH!

#40

Okay. I am no professional nor do I claim to have all the answers but my advice to you here would be not to even mention this. He knows what he did was wrong. He is trying to ruffle your feathers. Just be extra careful with your computer now since you KNOW he will sit at your computer and read what is there. Hopefully, he was lying about your boss in an attempt to upset you. Hopefully he didn’t really read your private materials and if so, hopefully he didn’t know it was you. In any case, if the boss did see or hear about this incident, you may have to reveal a bit of your ordeal to keep your job and then make sure you always lock your computer. You can’t be too careful . he may try to sabbatoge your job thinking that if you have no job, you can’t take care of yourself thus, you have to stay. Protect yourself from him. You may have to start looking at him as if he is the enemy. I know that sounds cruel but if he is desperate, he may try anything. And I do mean anything. My husband would leave with the car and not come back so I couldn’t go to work. He wanted me to lose my job so I would be dependant on him. He did it almost daily. I had to confess to my boss what was going on. Of course, he never came back for me after my shift and so the Dr. would drive me home. Everyday. I was humiliated but they were kind. I bet they talked about me when I wasn’t there though. OMG!!! How did I endure???